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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know it's partly because I'm ill & everything is worse when you're ill but...I am raging.

299 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 06:25

I can't be arsed to name change.

Long story short, been with my partner for almost 2 years. We don't live together but are saving up. I've had lots of health issues this year (MH related, a cervical erosion cauterization & biopsy that lead to the diagnoses of precancerous cells which will be treated in a few weeks and an unexplained bowel issue that is being investigated and I've already had a laparoscopy for). To DP's credit although it's not been easy at times he's been very supportive.

This time last year there was a hockey festival (it's on the same time every year and lasts from fri to sunday and involves a few games of hockey and getting very very pissed every night...so fun Hmm ). He let me down last year by getting so drunk he can't remember coming home (I was waiting for him at his) and was very upset he'd lost it. I'm of the opinion that it's disrespectful to get that drunk in a relationship as you're putting yourself at risk. I wouldn't do it to him etc. He agreed and we moved on.

Well it's festival time again and all was well until I got a call at 4:30 asking if he could come to mine as his 'mates' ditched him. He didn't sound pissed though. But no, he stinks and is dead to the world, stinking the house out...

His phone went off and I guessed it was his friends making sure he was ok (he told me he just walked off Hmm) so I went to reply, pressed the wrong button bloody touch screen and up popped a download picture of a naked woman (suicide girls photo, sort of soft porn).

And he's one of those 'Oh I'd never watch porn, I don't fancy skinny girls I'm a size 14 since DS and we have sex loads so I don't need to do anything in between' Hmm

It's not a massive issue as I then looked at his history (not very mature I know) and found nothing similar in the last month but I now feel like shit and like waking him up and telling him to fuck off.

I also have a stinking cold so probably being OTT.

I've just got so much on my plate health wise, and DS wise and life wise Brew Brew Brew

I also left it so when he opens his phone it'll be on that picture...I should probably close it but I'm too angry to care atm tbh

It's just early and I just want to cry but can't because DS is awake.

I felt shit enough before all this.

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 03/05/2014 09:11

I'd be very pissed off about him turning up at 4.30. What a twat.

The porn would annoy me too, but that's just me. I have zero tolerance towards it and couldn't fancy a man who liked it.

Wake him up and make him go home os you can enjoy your weekend. Talk to him when he's sober.

MrsNoodleHead · 03/05/2014 09:15

People should be allowed to go out and get drunk occasionally. If you said that he did this once a week, I'd agree with you, but once a year?

That's incredibly controlling. You are saying that he's never allowed to let his hair down because that's disrespectful to you.

If you want to be with someone who will never, ever get drunk, you need to find a teetotaller who voluntarily shares your philosophy about alcohol. It is unacceptable to impose a ban on an adult who enjoys having an alcohol-fuelled night out from time to time. If this is a big issue for you, it suggests to me that you are incompatible, in which case you shouldn't be trying to change him.

I'm with you on the porn though.

Whocansay · 03/05/2014 09:22

You sound as if you're in completely different life stages, so I would say your just incompatible. He needs time to grow up a bit.

I don't think either of you are 'wrong'. You just sound unsuited.

hamptoncourt · 03/05/2014 09:33

I see both sides to this.

I don't think you should/could stop him going out and having fun.

Your mistake was answering your phone (why was it even on?) when you knew it would probably be him and at 4.30 he would obviously be drunk.

If you hadn't answered your phone/let him in then you wouldn't have this issue.

If sobriety is this important to you then maybe you are not best suited to living together though.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/05/2014 09:37

I think possibly you are just not compatible.

Its not worth trying to control him into being the person you want him to be though.

It wont work.

Sorry..it seems to me that is what you are doing.

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/05/2014 09:42

My take on this is he was always planning on coming to yours otherwise why leave his friends and come over to yours?

TheSlagOfSnacks · 03/05/2014 09:47

If be furious if I was woken up by a drunk DP at 4.30 in the morning and we didn't live together. Why didn't he just go home? Why did he have to drag you into his messy night?

What a liberty.

And asking you to text him every hour to monitor his drinking...??? Does he still need someone to wipe his arse for him? Does his mum still cut up his food?

TheSlagOfSnacks · 03/05/2014 09:48

What do you think he would've done if you hadn't let him in?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/05/2014 09:52

I do think you sound more sensible than him btw.

Just that I do believe it's pointless trying to change anyone, and you can never force people to act in a respectful way, it doesn't work.

Thislife · 03/05/2014 09:53

I was 27 once and this sounds like perfectly normal behaviour - getting home late and sleeping off a hangover. I can understand you not wanting him to come back to yours though, especially as you have a little one. Just say no!

I also think you sound like you mother him. I can honestly say I have never worried about how a boyfriend is getting home after a night out. That's up to him. You don't live together.

And this getting drunk occasionally is 'disrespectful' attitude? I have never heard of that before. If those are your standards, stick to them, but many people would find that difficult to live up to, including me, and I am decades older than you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/05/2014 10:05

If you hadn't answered your phone/let him in then you wouldn't have this issue..

Well that's one way of looking at it. Which issue bothers you most, the early morning arrival drunk and less than fragrant or the porn?

An annual event he likes attending, fair enough. He overdid it, agreed.

I would not be happy at the porn but was it he who accessed it, sounds like the sort of thing 'mates' might do when he took his eye off his phone and wasn't compos mentis.

I honestly don't know what to suggest beyond talking to him about what rattles you. Hope your cold lifts soon.

patothechiefexec · 03/05/2014 10:14

Crikey, I think you're overreacting a bit. I was far worse than that when I was 27.

If it riles you that much, don't answer your phone/texts/the door that 'one weekend' of the year that he goes on his hockey piss up. Surely it's not that difficult?

herald · 03/05/2014 10:35

Ok a mans perspective.... He is probably wrong to come round drunk and you should have maybe told him that but we all make rash decisions when we have had a drink and he maybe thought it would be nice to see you even though he crashed out and stinks lol...just had a look at the suicide girl link it's not really hard core porn....men look at sites like this and until you have the full story it sounds like messing about with his mates fortunately us men don't really grow up.

I would mention the way you feel about the picture don't play games by leaving it on the phone , just get it out in the open and lay some ground rules about coming around after a night out on the beer, it doesn't seem like it's a regular thing...

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 10:47

I dont mind him going out fgs. He is out lots. I dont want to control him Hmm

And it was a fully naked suicide girl from somewhere.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 03/05/2014 10:52

I'm really glad that there's a man on the thread to explain men to us.

Busymumto3dc · 03/05/2014 10:54

I am 26. This behaviour sounds more like being 19 than 27 to me

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 10:56

I dont want to change him either. Im just not sure its right for us.

Im not a dull killjoy. I just think it was selfish to come over like that. Came back and he's still here, asleep. I dont want to cause a scene in front of ds. ugh Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 10:57

i wont let him in again thats for sure

OP posts:
herald · 03/05/2014 10:57

Vivacia...it's a pleasure Smile

Twinklestein · 03/05/2014 11:00

I can't believe so many posters think the issue here is getting drunk one night, Attila is bang on the money.

The OP has a twat for a bf, and despite saying she does not want to waste her 20s on him, she is. OP: raise your standards about men, it is not necessary to mother an irresponsible 27 year old for the benefit of being in a relationship. You cannot spend your life standing over him.

Forgettable · 03/05/2014 11:13

Orchard what would have happened if you said No Go Away at the request for accommodation last night?

Right now wake him up and send him home

Forgettable · 03/05/2014 11:14

What Twink said

crispyporkbelly · 03/05/2014 11:16
  1. If someone calls you at 4.30am on a saturday morning asking to come round,they are probably drunk.
  1. If you had a nice weekend planned with ds you should've said No.
  1. Most all men, especially if drunk look at porn and most involve skinny girls.
  1. Sorry you're unwell and having issues
herald · 03/05/2014 11:17

I don't think the op has put enough background information in the post to make you arrive at the assumption she has a 'twat for a bf'...if this incident was a regular fri / sat night occurrence then probably yes.

She has said he has been very supportive through her illness and rightly so, and just because he and his mates have looked at a dodgy picture on a night out doesn't make him a regular user of porn or not fancy his girlfriend....but he is in the wrong to turn up drunk and should have gone back to his own place .

It all seems a bit of over reaction to me....

WildBill · 03/05/2014 11:20

Men look at pictures of naked women - always have and always will. Try walking round a museum and see how many statues/pictures are of naked females. The medium is different now that's all, it's pics on phone or the internet. You'll have as much luck banning this as telling birds to stop flying over your house.

As for getting drunk on a once a year hockey weekend - really? is this really that big a deal?!.....

He's an adult you have no right to tell him what he can or can't look at etc if a man on mn tells a woman what she can do/watch/see etc all hell breaks out and she's told to leave him.
Stop trying to enforce your views on someone else, it doesn't work.