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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know it's partly because I'm ill & everything is worse when you're ill but...I am raging.

299 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 06:25

I can't be arsed to name change.

Long story short, been with my partner for almost 2 years. We don't live together but are saving up. I've had lots of health issues this year (MH related, a cervical erosion cauterization & biopsy that lead to the diagnoses of precancerous cells which will be treated in a few weeks and an unexplained bowel issue that is being investigated and I've already had a laparoscopy for). To DP's credit although it's not been easy at times he's been very supportive.

This time last year there was a hockey festival (it's on the same time every year and lasts from fri to sunday and involves a few games of hockey and getting very very pissed every night...so fun Hmm ). He let me down last year by getting so drunk he can't remember coming home (I was waiting for him at his) and was very upset he'd lost it. I'm of the opinion that it's disrespectful to get that drunk in a relationship as you're putting yourself at risk. I wouldn't do it to him etc. He agreed and we moved on.

Well it's festival time again and all was well until I got a call at 4:30 asking if he could come to mine as his 'mates' ditched him. He didn't sound pissed though. But no, he stinks and is dead to the world, stinking the house out...

His phone went off and I guessed it was his friends making sure he was ok (he told me he just walked off Hmm) so I went to reply, pressed the wrong button bloody touch screen and up popped a download picture of a naked woman (suicide girls photo, sort of soft porn).

And he's one of those 'Oh I'd never watch porn, I don't fancy skinny girls I'm a size 14 since DS and we have sex loads so I don't need to do anything in between' Hmm

It's not a massive issue as I then looked at his history (not very mature I know) and found nothing similar in the last month but I now feel like shit and like waking him up and telling him to fuck off.

I also have a stinking cold so probably being OTT.

I've just got so much on my plate health wise, and DS wise and life wise Brew Brew Brew

I also left it so when he opens his phone it'll be on that picture...I should probably close it but I'm too angry to care atm tbh

It's just early and I just want to cry but can't because DS is awake.

I felt shit enough before all this.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 03/05/2014 11:21

She's put more than enough information actually, the drunk episode and the porn pic are the least of it.

Twinklestein · 03/05/2014 11:22

That was to herald ^^

herald · 03/05/2014 11:27

Really ? I have read the op again and don't think last night is the least of it ...maybe I am reading it wrong

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 11:38

Out of context it doesn't sound awful, I know.

it's just on top of the other issues. Just feel fed up.

OP posts:
crispyporkbelly · 03/05/2014 11:40

God, if I was ill and someone rang me at 4.30 I'd tell them to leave me alone

Twinklestein · 03/05/2014 11:52

it's just on top of the other issues. Just feel fed up

Quite.

I would be fed up if I had to put up with your bf's behaviour. You don't though, it's not this or nothing.

AnandaTimeIn · 03/05/2014 11:55

Yea, selfish to turn up (wake you by phone) in the night...

I would also not be impressed with the porn... or having to monitor him on the hour while he, s out.

However, (can, t cut&paste) what would worry me more is his total unmotivation re. driving lessons or actively looking for a job.

I, m a LP myself and no way would I have someone like that moving in, it would be like having another child around....

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 12:09

I've done more since we have been together than him by miles yet it's harder for me to do that sort of stuff. He always says he will in another month or so etc.

Each to their own but I do wonder if we're just totally wrong for each other in terms of direction and motivation.

OP posts:
anonacfr · 03/05/2014 13:13

Why the hell is it call suicide girl?

Vivacia · 03/05/2014 13:35

Read the OP's earlier link.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 14:22

Well he only just left. Just kept saying he'd get up and go in a bit as he felt too ill to move Hmm

My house smells like my teenage brother's bedroom tbh.

Won't be picking up my phone in the future anyway!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/05/2014 15:45

Sorry OP but I think you are massively overreacting. If it was every night / week. then I could understand it but once in a blue moon?

If someone said this to me "I'm of the opinion that it's disrespectful to get that drunk in a relationship as you're putting yourself at risk." I would tell them to take a running jump! You sound like his mother!

OK, if you think there are other problems, that's one thing. But this just seems like s storm in a teacup to me. Dump him for being a lazy arse, by all means. But for getting drunk with his mates, once a year, erm no

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 15:54

Well im not a fan of having a hungover beer fumey bloke taking up my living room til 2pm. Even if it's once every now and again. We don't live together so there was no need.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/05/2014 15:56

I'm sure you don't. But once in a while it's not the end of the world is it? You sound a bit uptight!

But if he's not a keeper for other reasons, then fair enough, ding him!

Vivacia · 03/05/2014 16:05

I wouldn't want to have to suffer his hungover presence either, but I wouldn't end a relationship over it. I would have woken him up before the children were up and poured him in to a taxi though.

Twinklestein · 03/05/2014 16:07

Uptight or pissed off with everything else about his behaviour so that this is the last straw...?

If the rest of the relationship was great, he had a good job, could drive, good around the house, great with the child, then I highly doubt the OP would be here complaining about his getting smashed one night, even with a 4am wake up call.

A man who gets pissed once a year is not a disaster, a man with no job and no motivation, is.

MikeLitoris · 03/05/2014 16:13

His behaviour really doesn't sound so bad to me but the key point is it pisses you off.

You are not compatible.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 16:22

It's more like twinkle says.

It's not this alone but this plus all the rest. I won't dump him over it but have some thinking to do about whether or not 'we' are a good idea.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/05/2014 16:34

I said exactly what twinkle said "But if he's not a keeper for other reasons, then fair enough, ding him!"

Lweji · 03/05/2014 16:43

Even if this was only the once a year, he knew Orchard was ill. He should be nursing her or keeping out of her way, not keeping her up all night and messing up with her home in the day.
It shows the consideration he has for you.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 16:57

Right, sorry. Have been posting on my phone (which I only got this morning and has been doing my head in). Couldn't post anything very long.

Finally got to the laptop.

Long story short, lately I've had a creeping sense of 'wtf' when it comes to 'arrangements'.

He finishes work at 3 and often heads over from work. He then falls asleep on the sofa for a bit (fair enough, he starts work at 7 and is knackered). But he gets really shitty when DS climbs all over him etc and expects me to supervise but that means I can't get on with any other housework/doing supper etc, so I don't. But I get wound up that he expects me to do all of it, like I have 8, super-long arms or something Hmm Just stay home until you've rested a bit then come over. Solves the issue. What do you expect with a 3yr old boy!? I do make him cook dinner once a week but he wouldn't if I didn't ask and that also pisses me off as i can't not feed him if he's here at dinner time, as much as I resent it

I didn't mind that he didn't drive, have a different job, lived at home at first because he complained about it a lot, said he hated it and was going to do something about it. Well, nearly 2 years later and not a single thing has changed. And last week he said he wouldn't mind living at home for longer whilst he still can, as many people do. It is cushy for him as his dad gives him lifts everywhere and his mum picks up after him. He's not obviously entitled but it's starting to come across that way over time.

He's also awful at time keeping. I add 15mins at least onto whatever time he tells me he'll be somewhere (less stressful). I think it's because I'm just at home most eves so it 'doesn't matter' when he rocks up, even if it is in the middler of DS's bedtime routine etc.

Then there's the trickiest bit.

He says all this stuff about how we're essentially a family that just don't live together and how he sees me as his future bride/mother of his future children etc. He is normally good with DS (besides the after work bit) and he has been supportive. I think he genuinely believes it and it isn't just spin etc. But I do sometimes feel like I've had a glimpse into the future and it doesn't look good (for me). If he wants a different job, to get a car/learn to drive, or to move out then he actually has to set things in motion. But he doesn't seem to get it. And if I ask he says he will do such and such...next month. I'm just not so sure lately. He's a nice bloke generally but he is 27 and has had a headstart compared to me, yet I'll soon overtake him. How on earth would a baby work in this mix if he'd never change anything? I wouldn't in a million years have a baby with him unless it all changed (like he said it would over a year ago 'eventually'). I just do wonder.

Then last night happened and I just wanted him to fuck off tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 17:01

And despite all the 'I feel so ill, I can't move, can you get me a water ' he hasn't once asked if I'm alright/if I slept etc.

I was so relieved when he was finally gone. My front room still smells of beer...I was sick half an hour ago as I already felt iffy due to the cold and it was just too much and not going away despite the open windows etc the smell of beer always sets me off since I had DS...some weird lingering morning sickness likeness that I can't explain as it never used to bother me

It's a bit better than this morning though.

Pfft. Have a friend coming over in a bit when DS is in bed anyway. At least she might be nice to me Grin Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 17:02

When I say 'all changed' I mean I wouldn't have a baby with a bloke who was out half the week (literally) and who expected me to do everything. I escaped that fate once already...

OP posts:
rookiemater · 03/05/2014 17:04

That sounds really sad for your DS. If he wants rest, as you say, why would he not just stay at home.

It doesn't sound as if you actually like him that much to be honest - and that there isn't much to like. I wouldn't move in with him, unless you're in the business of looking after two DCs. If he really wants this to be serious then I would suggest he needs to move out into his own property, house share or whatever, so he gets used to looking after himself.

Actually sod it, he sounds like a waste of space. Either just keep the relationship as it is or bin him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2014 17:05

What is your bottom line Orchard Keeper; we get what we put up with.

You do not have to put up with this at all. Are you really on some level just putting up with this because this person is nowhere near as bad as your ex?. Less bad does not equate to being better; it just means less bad. This man is not and has never been your project to rescue and or save.

On another level is this person really a great example of male behaviour to your son?.