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Original poster

I know it's partly because I'm ill & everything is worse when you're ill but...I am raging.

299 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 03/05/2014 06:25

I can't be arsed to name change.

Long story short, been with my partner for almost 2 years. We don't live together but are saving up. I've had lots of health issues this year (MH related, a cervical erosion cauterization & biopsy that lead to the diagnoses of precancerous cells which will be treated in a few weeks and an unexplained bowel issue that is being investigated and I've already had a laparoscopy for). To DP's credit although it's not been easy at times he's been very supportive.

This time last year there was a hockey festival (it's on the same time every year and lasts from fri to sunday and involves a few games of hockey and getting very very pissed every night...so fun Hmm ). He let me down last year by getting so drunk he can't remember coming home (I was waiting for him at his) and was very upset he'd lost it. I'm of the opinion that it's disrespectful to get that drunk in a relationship as you're putting yourself at risk. I wouldn't do it to him etc. He agreed and we moved on.

Well it's festival time again and all was well until I got a call at 4:30 asking if he could come to mine as his 'mates' ditched him. He didn't sound pissed though. But no, he stinks and is dead to the world, stinking the house out...

His phone went off and I guessed it was his friends making sure he was ok (he told me he just walked off Hmm) so I went to reply, pressed the wrong button bloody touch screen and up popped a download picture of a naked woman (suicide girls photo, sort of soft porn).

And he's one of those 'Oh I'd never watch porn, I don't fancy skinny girls I'm a size 14 since DS and we have sex loads so I don't need to do anything in between' Hmm

It's not a massive issue as I then looked at his history (not very mature I know) and found nothing similar in the last month but I now feel like shit and like waking him up and telling him to fuck off.

I also have a stinking cold so probably being OTT.

I've just got so much on my plate health wise, and DS wise and life wise Brew Brew Brew

I also left it so when he opens his phone it'll be on that picture...I should probably close it but I'm too angry to care atm tbh

It's just early and I just want to cry but can't because DS is awake.

I felt shit enough before all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 07:27

He did get the bus to see me in hospital when I spent a fortnight in voluntary 'care' because my anxiety was just crippling at the time. I'm about a million times better now thankfully after a good CBT course and the right medication, which I've now weaned myself off of successfully. It's hard because he's not a bad guy and has tried in his own way anyway to work on it after we broke up. But only a few small things changed. Not the fundamental things that we discussed.

Sorry for the rant. Feel like I was hit by a juggernaut yesterday morning. I've had so much going on elsewhere that I lost sight of the relationship lately.

And I still have a bunged up everything though it's getting better thankfully!

Thinking back to when we broke up, all his apologies were about him. How shit he was feeling, how sorry he was but not mentioning what he was sorry for IYSWIM and how much he missed me/us. We met up to talk about it a week later (he pestered me to meet for the whole week despite me saying I needed space) and I was brutally honest about thinking we wanted different things, feelings aside. And he said he hated his job and wanted to look for something else, wanted more family time and wanted to settle down, wanted to drive etc. But here we are 7 months later and none of those things have changed. He's not as late as he used to be, and is a little bit more considerate. But I do feel it was just lip service to get us back together.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 07:30

I don't care about the hockey thing for god's sake.

I care that he thought it was ok to rock up at 4:30 in the morning (saying he wasn't very drunk and had harldy drunk anything of course) and that he's generally just stuck at a certain point in his life. That's fine, if it's what he wants (despite protesting that it really isn't) but I didn't sign up to date Peter Pan tbh, even if he is a lovely bloke in lots of ways. I know what I want and have always made it clear. That's not bossy that's just honest Hmm

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 07:42

You are waaaaaaay over-reacting, OP.

For God's sake, have you never done anything wrong when a few sheets to the wind? Would you rather he slept on the street?

None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. And yes, you do sound more like a mother than a partner.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 07:43

P's idea of our 'future' is marriage, DC, moving in together etc and he seems to really think that's what's going to happen, but with nothing changing inbetween. Like it will just magically happen. I'm not bothered about more DC though I would if the situation was right this isn't. I have one and he is enough for me. I'm not bothered about marriage personally but P is. I do want to live with a bloke after a few years otherwise what's the point? I want a partner, eventually. I don't want to get to this time next year and us still live apart (but me still be doing lots for him like a bit of a sucker).

I think that's pretty fair, considering my life situation. I can't help the fact that I have a kid. It means my life just is at a different stage. I accpeted that. But if he has no intention of catching up anytime soon then why waste time, for both of us? That's not fair on anyone, surely?

OP posts:
MelonKim · 04/05/2014 07:44

Christ. Be a bit forgiving about the 4.30. Stop telling him where and when he can go. Rough area my arse.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 07:45

Thank you. You either didn't read the whole thread or you'd be happy with the whole set up. Great Grin

I'm not Hmm

Probably going to hide this thread as it's just making me feel doubly shit and I need that like a hole in the head Brew

Thanks for the good advice on the thread anyway to PP.

OP posts:
Busymumto3dc · 04/05/2014 07:46

I really think the op is saying it's not just about the other night. It's her ps attitude to life. He's not growing up. He's saying he's going to do all these things and not doing them, which is frustrating her.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 07:49

Thank you busy Brew

Yes! It all looks stupid out of context, I bloody know. But the whole picture is just shit atm, from my point of view. The relationship is just making me feel shit, rather than loved and respected and I feel like I've been lied to the whole time about what he wants or at least how soon he wants it.

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 07:51

Then split with the guy if he is too immature?

He treats you and your son well and had a bit of excess when out at an annual function and is made to feel like the world's worst boyfriend. I pity the poor guy. He let off steam - probably had been looking forward to this event and catchup for weeks!!! - and yes, he over-indulged, but it is not the big drama it is being made out to be.

Lighten up - you are not perfect yourself.

MelonKim · 04/05/2014 07:52

Plus you've drip fed. To the max.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 07:52

No I'm really not.

And it is not about the bloody night out (though I'm fucked off he came over like that because we don't live together though I'm closer to town so it was probably becaus he couldn't be arsed to walk home).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 07:54

As I said, I was on my phone yesterday wich is a pain in the arse to post with.

It's not a crime Hmm

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 07:56

A man that I imagine treats your son very well on a daily, if not weekly basis overindulged and crashed at yours ONCE at an unreasonable hour.

So many fathers don't give their own biological children the time of day and this man loves and cares for yours. (And no, I am not a single mum with children so this is not coming from a place of jealousy).

This man is the saint, imo.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 07:59

Yes, I am considering ending a 2yr relationship with a saint because he went out once...

Biscuit
OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 08:02

Sounds like you would be both happier with other people.

Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 08:04

You say your partner's idea of a future is marriage and children, but you are not bothered about children. Is he aware of this? Bit of a deal breaker, no?

mummytime · 04/05/2014 08:04

TheOrchardKeeper - the simple answer is : LTB. He may not be all that bad but he doesn't sound very good either.
It's a bit like going to your little local garage to buy a car, they only have one in your budget but its : a bit unreliable, a horrible colour, no AC, makes a funny noise on your test drive, and the drivers seat doesn't adjust properly. Do you buy it?
Well the sensible thing is to leave it and go somewhere else.

As to the GFs here, ignore them.

Key point BF doesn't live with her -so why insist on going round there when drunk just to collapse on the sofa?
Why didn't he just go home to mummy? Maybe she wouldn't have let him in in that state?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 08:05

We discussed it. I said if I get to 30 and haven't had another one I won't (DS would be 10). He said fine. I also said I'm not up for doing most of the childcare like a lot of women do. That's what happened with DS's dad. He said fine.

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 08:06

You aren't even bothered about marriage and your partner is. You are on totally different pages.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 08:06

Mumm she would let him home. She's openly said he can live there as long as he wants to, so long as he's paying £250 rent a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 08:07

I'm not bothered about the 'importance' of it. I want commitment but can take marriage either way, unless it's for legal reasons/security. I think it's very old fashioned and don't want to change my name either (he is upset about the name thing).

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 08:12

Marriage and the importance of it is very important to some people. I really wish you well, OP,but hand on heart, if he wants marriage and children 100% and you are fairly relaxed on the two of them, then someone is going to end up resentful.

As someone in a happy and stable relationship in my 40s (having been through the mill with plenty of men that turned out to be losers), I really think this man is far from a bad guy. He is also 27 - young (at least to me at 40) to be taking on another person's child.

I wish you both well.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 04/05/2014 08:17

I'd love to do those things in the right situation, like most people, but with things as they are I wouldn't do either of them.

He's a lovely guy generally, outside of all these things. That's why it's really difficult.

OP posts:
fubbsy · 04/05/2014 08:22

The relationship is just making me feel shit, rather than loved and respected. If you are not happy, that is enough of a reason to end a relationship.

It doesn't have to mean that he is a bad person or that Orchard is perfect. He may be a lovely bloke, but not a suitable partner for her at this point in her life.

Bluebelle38 · 04/05/2014 08:25

You need to sit him down and tell him everything - that you don't feel enough has changed for you to want to progress the relationship in the direction he wants (marriage/children).

Coming here and ranting is fine - and really cathartic as well - but it is not really helping the bigger picture.

If you are annoyed by him and his lack of change, then this hockey incident was always going to be blown out of all proportion (as I personally believe it was).

You don't want to waste either of your lives. He has made changes, but not enough to your mind. Tell him this. Tell him you feel it was all just lip service. He may think what he is doing is enough if you are not asking for more.

He does sound very committed to you and your little boy - there is little doubt in my mind of that (from what I have read).

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