Managing it all. Being happy & fulfilled. Affairs.

[Arewethereyet3]

Our relationship started being less sexual after our 2nd child. It was never the best sex I'd (or I'm sure she'd) had. We work well as a team. At the time I'd come out of a heavily sexual relationship-where the girl I was with was extremely highly sexed-as was I.

Now, we don't even sleep in the same room. I snore and come to bed late. She likes to go to bed early. We don't excite or may not even fully find each other attractive anymore.

Things have been going really well for us both with our careers but we have really grown apart and barely even manage to encourage each other anymore.

I've had a few affairs since our children were born. - they completely took me unawares. I just got chatting to a lovely woman who was passionate about food and cooking, it got late, I walked her home and we tore each other's clothes off outside her flat. I was clear that I only wanted sex. She said she was ok with this, but after about 6 months, she told me she'd fallen in love with me. I called it off-there was no way I was leaving my partner (we've been together 16 years, but not married).

Things were ok again for a while but then I found I really fell for a woman I was working with. We had great sex and really enjoyed each other. So much, that I was on the verge of leaving my partner for her. She however called it off and said that she wished she hadn't gotten involved-it was all too much at a time when she was mourning her brother's death and my situation.

My partner has clearly picked up that all is not well with us; probably knows that I've been unfaithful and right now thinks I'm just selfish and not giving enough time and thought to her and the children.

Neither of us want to rush into a situation we both regret. It'll be me that has to go. We have all our assets tied together, still show signs of fancying each other, still enjoy the comfort we get from coming home to someone after a hard day and knowing that there is money in the bank, good food on the table, happy confident children.

I cannot bare to leave my kids and I've seen how she struggles (as I do) when dealing with them/work etc all alone.

Yet, we both miss intimacy. We both miss sex. I have been seeing someone else. Typical cliche-she's much younger, sexy, extremely intelligent and beautiful. I don't want to start all over again-as flattering as all this attention is. But, it's not just an ego trip. It's not just sex. This woman offers a whole new experience and we only have one life.

I had a health scare a few years ago and it has made me realise how short life is to be unhappy or cause unhappiness.

My partner and I are unhappy with each other. There was a time when we were in love. Part of me felt as though I'd compromised on the sex issue-but I found sexy women difficult to cope with full time. No doubt she compromised a fair bit too.

We both love our kids so much and they will be taken care of however which way we go.

I don't want to trap my partner into accepting me as a man who has affairs. She wouldn't let that happen anyway. I don't even want to be a man that has affairs. I just want a good sex life, with passion and intense lovemaking. How do you sustain that over the years?

Is it wrong to deny yourself this?

We've been in this limbo for 6 months and there is no obvious direction to go in.

I'm not looking for advice I don't think. Just want to have a frank, open and honest conversation with someone going through the same.

If you're going to senselessly judge and transfer all your own frustrations with your partner, please don't. I'm not interested. If you intelligently want to share some ideas and experiences that are relevant, mature and 'modern' you're very welcome....

Is this a wind up?

Assuming not, a good start would be to have even the teensiest bit of respect for your partner.

Until you stop shagging about then you are never going to have the intimacy you supposedly wish for with your wife.

From reading your post you have clearly justified your double life, pointing out the home comforts are making up for the lack of basically a relationship.

Tbh, I think you are too far down the line to even salvage anything.

The way to a long lasting loving relationship is to put effort into that person and nobody else.

I didn't realise being a fuckwit was "modern".

I realise that may come across as senselessly judgmental though. Such a shame.

No. It's not a wind up. Where do you get that I don't respect her? I do. (Maybe no the way you see it, but it is what it is.)

Why are you using all these women in your life? Jeez... Have some self awareness and respect...

Surely a wind up.....

Have some respect for yourself, never mind your poor wife, that would be a start. What an embarrassment for your wife.

See-that's the sort of comment I'm going to have to sift thru.....

I think you'll be 'sifting through' pretty much every comment then.

So you are by your own admission living this weird half-life, where you are not really there for your wife and kids (yet you still think your kids are happy and confident? Despite you not really being there?) and where the women you're shagging obviously don't find you that much of a catch as you keep getting dumped

So your wife and kids seem to be coping with you only half being in your family, and your random shag ladies seem to cope very well with walking away from you.

You seem to have written yourself out of your own life quite well. Again, such a shame.

"Where do you get that I don't respect her? I do. (Maybe no the way you see it, but it is what it is.)"

Jesus wept... If you really don't understand I think there's no hope!

As far as practical advice goes I think you should tell the poor woman you've been having affairs and let her make a choice about what to do FGS. Not sure why you're saying you'd have to leave if you both work surely it'd be up for discussion?

I think rather than playing yourself as the victim of 'senseless judgement' it might help you and your family if you take some responsibility for your damaging behaviour tbh.

This had to be a wind up, surely!

If not, then you have missed a basic point of this website - if you post a thread, you do not get to choose the opinions that are then shared. You take what comes. So get ready.

And I have a feeling that you won't get many people on this board sharing a similar experience.

Would you like your dd to marry someone like you and be treated the way you treat your dw?
Thought not.

You are the reason lots if women dislike men and avoid relationships. As long as you 're happy though...

what on earth is the 'modern' comment meant to even mean? I'm lost for words

Oh lordy! I have some very 'relevant' opinions (been there, had that done to me!) but I don't think you will think they are 'modern'.

If you had respect for your wife you would do many things differently, for example, tell her how you feel and maybe give her the same options that you are taking for yourself.

If passion and intense lovemaking is your definition of a good relationship and you've never achieved that with your partner then I think you have to be realistic about yourself and honest with her. Anything other than wholehearted fidelity is unacceptable and I'm sure part of the reason for her unhappiness is that, on some level, she'll know something's wrong.

I would suggest you give up all your other women and concentrate on your wife, of course you don't have intimacy, how can you be intimate with your wife when you're having affairs with women who you are being intimate with?
Are you surprised she doesn't want to have passionate sex with you? Are you for real???

Name changed for this (penis beaker etc)

I'm going against the popular opinion here, because through being in a similar-ish position, and speaking to a good few friends (male and female), I think there are a lot more people in to kind of situation than you'll ever know.
I know I'm a different person from the 20-something I was 20 years ago, most particularly in the last 5 years. Dh and I still rub along ok, but have not had anything remotely sexual in the last 3/4 years, and I mean nothing, not more than a peck on the cheek.
I need more than this, and I can't get it from dh, it wasn't even there in the very early days. I've had a couple of short term discreet affairs, I don't know if dh has, but what I don't know doesn't hurt me. I'm not sticking my head in the sand about this, but looking at the bigger picture, which is that we provide a stable and relatively happy home for our children.
We get along perfectly fine, like OP, we have vastly different bedtimes due to work commitments, we both work long days, but whatever there is of our relationship works for the kids.

You said you didn't want to be the sort of man who has affairs. But you are.

Until you face up to the truth about yourself, you are unlikely to be able to make any progress. You seem to be justifying your betrayals - they did not catch you unawares, you chose to act that that over and over again. And it seems you want to continue justifying them here by rejecting any viewpoint that does not buy in to the fantasy version that it's not such a bad thing.

But it is. You are living a poor facsimile of family life and deceiving those who ought to be able to rely on you.

You were able to make the choices that brought you to this position. Only you can choose what you are going to do about it.

It's impossible to tell, through your 'affair bubble' version of events, whether there was ever a good marriage there. Right now there isn't.

Your choice is whether you are capable of being an adequate husband (your history suggests not) or in ending the marriage. Only you can make that choice.

That is the saddest thing I've read in a long time, what a horrible existence.

Do you believe it's possible to have a long-term monogamous relationship in principle? Do you think your serial adultery is because of being in the wrong relationship or is it just something you're incapable of?

That really is the million dollar question for you, because if you believe the latter, why would you make yourself and all these women miserable by striving for an ideal you don't even believe to be attainable?

If you believe in monogamy, then you need to start looking closer to home for the secret to it. I just wrote a long post on another thread in relationships called ending my affair where I went on (at length, sorry) about self-awareness and affairs. You might find that relevant.

You refer to your affairs as if they are things that happened to you and you have no self-control at all. Do you think you can grow up and take some responsibility for your own actions?

I think in marriage you both have to work to keep things fresh, exciting. It's going to get tired if you don't try mixing it up a bit. 6 years married now and I must admit we have nights of passion and then a bit meh. Tiredness probably plays a part there too.
I think if you expect that thrill all the time without both partners making effort things will grow boring and stale and you will always be searching for the next exciting tryst.

Here's a question for you OP - how do you think you would feel if the roles were reversed and you just discovered that your DW had multiple affairs throughout the course of your marriage?

What made you think that this site , which gives wonderful advice to women who've been shit on by men like you , was suitable for you boasting about what a cocksman you are ? Go away.