Managing it all. Being happy & fulfilled. Affairs.

[Arewethereyet3]

Our relationship started being less sexual after our 2nd child. It was never the best sex I'd (or I'm sure she'd) had. We work well as a team. At the time I'd come out of a heavily sexual relationship-where the girl I was with was extremely highly sexed-as was I.

Now, we don't even sleep in the same room. I snore and come to bed late. She likes to go to bed early. We don't excite or may not even fully find each other attractive anymore.

Things have been going really well for us both with our careers but we have really grown apart and barely even manage to encourage each other anymore.

I've had a few affairs since our children were born. - they completely took me unawares. I just got chatting to a lovely woman who was passionate about food and cooking, it got late, I walked her home and we tore each other's clothes off outside her flat. I was clear that I only wanted sex. She said she was ok with this, but after about 6 months, she told me she'd fallen in love with me. I called it off-there was no way I was leaving my partner (we've been together 16 years, but not married).

Things were ok again for a while but then I found I really fell for a woman I was working with. We had great sex and really enjoyed each other. So much, that I was on the verge of leaving my partner for her. She however called it off and said that she wished she hadn't gotten involved-it was all too much at a time when she was mourning her brother's death and my situation.

My partner has clearly picked up that all is not well with us; probably knows that I've been unfaithful and right now thinks I'm just selfish and not giving enough time and thought to her and the children.

Neither of us want to rush into a situation we both regret. It'll be me that has to go. We have all our assets tied together, still show signs of fancying each other, still enjoy the comfort we get from coming home to someone after a hard day and knowing that there is money in the bank, good food on the table, happy confident children.

I cannot bare to leave my kids and I've seen how she struggles (as I do) when dealing with them/work etc all alone.

Yet, we both miss intimacy. We both miss sex. I have been seeing someone else. Typical cliche-she's much younger, sexy, extremely intelligent and beautiful. I don't want to start all over again-as flattering as all this attention is. But, it's not just an ego trip. It's not just sex. This woman offers a whole new experience and we only have one life.

I had a health scare a few years ago and it has made me realise how short life is to be unhappy or cause unhappiness.

My partner and I are unhappy with each other. There was a time when we were in love. Part of me felt as though I'd compromised on the sex issue-but I found sexy women difficult to cope with full time. No doubt she compromised a fair bit too.

We both love our kids so much and they will be taken care of however which way we go.

I don't want to trap my partner into accepting me as a man who has affairs. She wouldn't let that happen anyway. I don't even want to be a man that has affairs. I just want a good sex life, with passion and intense lovemaking. How do you sustain that over the years?

Is it wrong to deny yourself this?

We've been in this limbo for 6 months and there is no obvious direction to go in.

I'm not looking for advice I don't think. Just want to have a frank, open and honest conversation with someone going through the same.

If you're going to senselessly judge and transfer all your own frustrations with your partner, please don't. I'm not interested. If you intelligently want to share some ideas and experiences that are relevant, mature and 'modern' you're very welcome....

From the relationships and marriages I see around me-all 40 somethings, relatively ok off, I see and have heard all sorts of horror stories-domestic violence, drinking, drug taking, swingers, break ups, violence towards the kids, working-a-holics, long spells away from home, prostitution, counselling....absolute hate/boredom/disgust directed towards their partners

Where is this utopian ideal some of you seem to have?
Not in my neighbourhood.

Freely flows the blood of those who moralise.

I'd like to see into some of the peoples minds and relationships that are being so judgemental.

Ok...I take back modern. I'm a dick. I should do this I should do that. TBH I've no desire to 'should've' on myself, but if it makes you feel better-should've away

I think that you need to admit that you don't respect your wife here. Because you can't- it's at odds with your actions.

Pathetic.

I strongly suspect the reason you don't want to tell your wife is because you are scared. Scared of finding out that actually she isn't the problem - you are.

As for your "young, sexy" mistress who offers "a whole new life experience" - i very much doubt she would be willing to offer that experience if she had to put up with you full time and become a step mother to your children.

You're quite a catch, aren't you? Especially for your young beautiful naive mistress. Perhaps you will be doing the same to her in a few years.
I hope your wife happily waves you off and that she meets someone decent. And no, I have never been in the sad position of being the wronged partner.

What a jaded view of relationships you seem to have. Is that how you justify your failings to yourself - by telling yourself there are others worse than you? I'm sorry to say it seems unlikely anyone here will be able to help someone with such a negative attitude. I suggest you get some professional counselling.

If you want to have an open relationship, talk to your DW and get her consent. It need not be something where you're parading partners in front of each other, but something discreet. She might go for it.

Even if she doesn't, at least then you know what doing right by her will look like, and you can move on from this limbo by either taking responsibility for your nether regions and no longer tripping and falling bits-first into random crotches, or ending the relationship so that you can gorge yourself on passing ladies' attentions.

Also set up a schedule of clinic visits for yourself, if you're going to have multiple partners you need to keep healthy.

If you haven't got the balls to talk to her and ask for what you need, ask for a divorce.

Just be warned, you're not always going to be youngish, able to have sex, etc. Eventually you're going to be old, and likely infirm. It's nice to chase tail, but there is going to come a day, most likely, when you wish you had put all that energy into building up your relationship with someone who was committed to you for the long haul, regardless of you virility or lack thereof.

Sex is great. Passion is great. Then, inevitably, passion passes and you have to love the actual person, work at it, not always feel butterflies; that or move on to the next partner. And one day, there will be no next partner, because you'll be too old and not interesting enough anymore. Just remember that.

Lol you will get torn to pieces on here mate from all these projecting women. Good for you I say, not up to is to judge, or care.

Being a woman and having been there, done that and got the T-shirt. I would say that I am now the happiest being alone. I live alone but have a loved one, who will remain loved, and very much so, as long as I have my freedom to breathe. I have become extremely faithful. We have astonishing sex.
We both work (a lot) and we see each other every other week (more or less).
As you say, life is too short. Sort out your priorities. Your real needs. I was extremely unhappy and I presume my ex husband was as well, perhaps he didn't know it though. Hopefully, he is happier now. I know that I am.
As for the children, mine are grown-up, but my 2nd DD asked me why I waited for so long to leave. I had no idea they knew that all was not well. So don't stay for the children, if you decide to stay.
Think hard about what you really want. I wish you, and your wife, to be happy.

No advice but my opinion is that if there is no sex life then a couple are flat mates/cousins/brother/sister/colleagues/friends etc.The physical intimacy is the aspect that elevates the relationship beyond all those I mention above. Separate bedrooms, no sex results in...Affairs! it's not rocket science. You have 2 choices, decide if it's possible your home life will ever improve and meet your needs in which case you'll need to stop the affairs and work at it. Or admit the relationship is dead and separate as gently as possible. This is assuming your partner is ok with things as they are - she may also wish things are different. You are right you only have one life, separate bedrooms, no sex and multiple affairs indicate this relationship is over, find someone who makes you happy and free your partner to do the same. I don't have experience of this but am female, work with only men over the years and have seen this situation many many times - It's extremely common!

Look. You are in an unhappy marriage, you are not in love with your wife, and you shag around and have done for years yet don't have the balls to actually change anything in your life. Just leave, and you can both get on with the rest of your lives.

Having a happy and fulfilling life requires you behave honestly and respectfully.

I entirely understand how should destroying a lack of intimacy/unfulfilling sex can be and I can understand how people can (out of cowardice) fall into an affair but I'll never understand people who think lying and cheating is justified and who fail to accept their own behaviour.

I actually think that failure to accept yourself and take responsibility is what keeps people unhappy. For example if instead of having numerous affairs for many years you had tried to work things out with your partner or left to pursue a more satisfying relationship then things wouldn't be such a big mess now.

Your relationship with your DP will end I think and she will likely discover the extent of your infidelity and that will make it very difficult for you to split amicably. If you had taken steps to sort this out earlier you could be happy now, you would not be facing as acrimonious a split and your dc would have been younger and therefore less likely to be badly affected.

These are poor choices you've made, I really think you need to accept that.

It bothers me when people are so invested in this ridiculous cult of monogamy that they believe action like this is justified. This way of doing things is so much more hurtful for everybody than just talking things out and splitting up in a friendly way.

On another thread someone recommend a book called Stay or Leave by Beverly Stone.

I would highly recommend you read it.

You need to at least commit to your relationship 100% or leave. You living a lie and your partner knows you are not mentally there. If you respect her as you say you do you need to grab the bull by the horns and make a decision.

It bothers me when people are so invested in this ridiculous cult of monogamy that they believe action like this is justified. This way of doing things is so much more hurtful for everybody than just talking things out and splitting up in a friendly way.

Agree. It's still incredible to me that people sleepwalk through their own lives to this extent.

I'm not tremendously invested in the idea of monogamy but I am tremendously invested in the idea of honesty.

You're not providing your partner with either. Level with her, or actually better still, level with her and then end the relationship. You don't seem to have the capacity to provide her with the kind of relationship that a person deserves, that is, one based on honesty and mutual respect.

And it's crap that no sex results in affairs. No sex plus the inability to end a crap relationship plus someone who feels entitled to cheat results in affairs. It's a lazy and cowardly choice which results in an unsatisfactory outcome for everyone involved IMO.

Agreed, Offred.

OP, why do you appear to think you are entitled to her fidelity, comfort, respect and domestic servicing, when you have undercut the (presumable) terms and conditions of the relationship?

You are thinking only of yourself and your own desires, while simultaneously pretending to yourself that you are some kind of hero for nominally staying with her.

What exactly did you hope to gain from starting this thread?

Totally disagree with Wildbill. No sex doesn't automatically lead to an affair, I should know! I've not had sex for 5 years and I have a very high sex drive when in relationships (normally)

Don't you care about your partner at all? Doesn't it bother you at all that she is also unhappy in her life in a similar way that you are. let alone that you have betrayed her? Really? Where is your humanity?

I see no point in berating you, I simply wanted to know how you can be so callous to someone that presumably on some level you still care for?

I agree with most others on this thread, end the affairs and try to fix your primary relationship, or leave her as respectfully and amicably as possible.

Managing it all. Being happy and fulfilled

Are you talking about you or your partner?

'Knowledgeispower' are you saying you and your partner haven't had sex for 5 years or you are single? your post is confusing.....I'm talking about people in relationships/married having affairs outside the relationship not single people.

Rathter than fix your marital sexlife you are literally burying your head in another muff.

Grow some balls and face up to what is left of yor marriage.

I’m not quite sure what you’re hoping for. MumsNet is not really the most likely place to find other men who are having affairs and about to be found out, is it? If you wanted practical advice, my suggestion would be simple: show your DW your original posting. She’ll sort things out for the best. My guess is that to begin with she will indeed be deeply upset, and she may never stop being angry with you, but you’ll both survive. And while I understand that neither of you wish to rush into anything you will regret, if you do split up then in the long run you may find that she doesn’t regret leaving you as much as you will regret losing her.

Or if you don’t want to take quite so direct an approach, I also notice that you don’t actually seem to know your wife very well, because your post contains a few surprising assumptions about how she “no doubt” feels, or would feel, or has felt in the past. In your place, I would try to assume less and doubt more, and make much more of an effort to find out about her actual feelings. There are no guarantees, it may already be too late, but that is the best hope you have of finding any kind of fulfillment within your marriage.

You might also consider that counselling is not quite in the same class as domestic violence, drug taking or prostitution; it might be uncomfortable for you but it might offer a practical way forward.

Best of luck, and do keep us posted.