Managing it all. Being happy & fulfilled. Affairs.

[Arewethereyet3]

Our relationship started being less sexual after our 2nd child. It was never the best sex I'd (or I'm sure she'd) had. We work well as a team. At the time I'd come out of a heavily sexual relationship-where the girl I was with was extremely highly sexed-as was I.

Now, we don't even sleep in the same room. I snore and come to bed late. She likes to go to bed early. We don't excite or may not even fully find each other attractive anymore.

Things have been going really well for us both with our careers but we have really grown apart and barely even manage to encourage each other anymore.

I've had a few affairs since our children were born. - they completely took me unawares. I just got chatting to a lovely woman who was passionate about food and cooking, it got late, I walked her home and we tore each other's clothes off outside her flat. I was clear that I only wanted sex. She said she was ok with this, but after about 6 months, she told me she'd fallen in love with me. I called it off-there was no way I was leaving my partner (we've been together 16 years, but not married).

Things were ok again for a while but then I found I really fell for a woman I was working with. We had great sex and really enjoyed each other. So much, that I was on the verge of leaving my partner for her. She however called it off and said that she wished she hadn't gotten involved-it was all too much at a time when she was mourning her brother's death and my situation.

My partner has clearly picked up that all is not well with us; probably knows that I've been unfaithful and right now thinks I'm just selfish and not giving enough time and thought to her and the children.

Neither of us want to rush into a situation we both regret. It'll be me that has to go. We have all our assets tied together, still show signs of fancying each other, still enjoy the comfort we get from coming home to someone after a hard day and knowing that there is money in the bank, good food on the table, happy confident children.

I cannot bare to leave my kids and I've seen how she struggles (as I do) when dealing with them/work etc all alone.

Yet, we both miss intimacy. We both miss sex. I have been seeing someone else. Typical cliche-she's much younger, sexy, extremely intelligent and beautiful. I don't want to start all over again-as flattering as all this attention is. But, it's not just an ego trip. It's not just sex. This woman offers a whole new experience and we only have one life.

I had a health scare a few years ago and it has made me realise how short life is to be unhappy or cause unhappiness.

My partner and I are unhappy with each other. There was a time when we were in love. Part of me felt as though I'd compromised on the sex issue-but I found sexy women difficult to cope with full time. No doubt she compromised a fair bit too.

We both love our kids so much and they will be taken care of however which way we go.

I don't want to trap my partner into accepting me as a man who has affairs. She wouldn't let that happen anyway. I don't even want to be a man that has affairs. I just want a good sex life, with passion and intense lovemaking. How do you sustain that over the years?

Is it wrong to deny yourself this?

We've been in this limbo for 6 months and there is no obvious direction to go in.

I'm not looking for advice I don't think. Just want to have a frank, open and honest conversation with someone going through the same.

If you're going to senselessly judge and transfer all your own frustrations with your partner, please don't. I'm not interested. If you intelligently want to share some ideas and experiences that are relevant, mature and 'modern' you're very welcome....

"Modern" might be an honest agreement about an open relationship.

Screwing around behind your partner's back is as old as the hills...

Why not talk to her about a open relationship? That doesn't mean she accepts your affairs; it means she gets to have some of her own.

(BTWWhen do you have time for all this sex in between work and caring for your children??)

'Knowledgeispower' additionally 'no sex for 5 years' is completely at odds with claiming to have a high sex drive...........it indicates a very low/absent sex drive

Also I don't understand these witless women who knowingly get their knickers off for involved with married men. Suppose it's the lines they get spun. If they had any brains, surely they would understand that they run the risk of getting shat on by said man in the future.

The thing is she might have been happy to have an amicable and close co-parenting relationship if you hadn't lied and cheated and behaved so disrespectfully. It may well affect whether she wants to co-parent with you.

Me and h split in sept and he moved to a bedsit over the road (as I'm SAHM). He comes over for breakfast, I make his tea every night and he is there for bedtime everyday, he spends all weekend days here, we still do family things and go to his mum's for tea on Saturday as a family, we basically share the house and have our own personal private space. He's still invited to all the family things and he stayed over on Christmas and for the dc birthdays. We chat and laugh and joke with each other. Everything is the same but we don't sleep together or show each other any affection because we aren't in a relationship anymore. The children understand we don't love each other and that he has moved out.

We've been able to do it this way because there hasn't been any of that bullshit, I ended things but I think he was also unhappy. It ended at the right time I think and I'm glad of that. I think you've pushed it way too far and made poor decisions to disrespect your partner that make this kind of separation unlikely. The stakes are now pretty high.

I don't blame the women who have no commitment to anyone and can 'take their knickers off' for whomever they like.

Wild bill - do you only ever have sex with yourself then or are you aware that having sex with someone else requires them to desire and consent to it?

Offred, well you and I will have to agree to differ. Most people have a moral compass. But some women knowingly get involved with married men (and vice versa).

So you've had "a few" affairs since your children were born.. so when she was at home looking after your children, cleaning up their shit and ensuring they are safe and loved you are spending your energy not on helping support your wife or being at home but by fucking some other woman? And you wonder why you've drifted apart from your wife...? Seriously?

I'm no angel. I've been an other woman when I was 18 and he was 32. I was naive and stupid and didn't really know what it was like to be on the other side of the fence as it were. Ten years later my husband left me for some random woman and I knew how it felt. (incidentally husband was not the same man from my teens).

Any relationship only has that initial lustful dirty sex every second type stage for a maximum of 2 years. Honestly. If you can begin to accept that and start valuing other things like loving sex with a partner who you have a long term connection with then you might be happier. Chasing woman after woman for new sex is a very empty existence. It's like being a drug addict chasing a high that you can only replicate for so long and then it fucks off and you're back to square one again. .. just a little more lonely and empty again.

I've been married 3 times. Don't be in a relationship that you're not happy in. Life is too short. But equally don't fuck about either. It's not fair to anyone.

"suppose it's the lines they get spun. If they had any brains, surely they would understand that they run the risk of getting shat on by said man in the future."

Maybe they are also only in it for the sex?

Are you saying 'Knowledgeispower' is undesirable as she hasn't found someone to have sex with for 5 years? that's a bit harsh...... Someone with a 'high sex drive' will have easily found someone consenting and desirable well within 5 years. I just don't think you can claim to have a high sex drive but at the same time admit you haven't had sex for 5 years. Women can always find sex.

Was going to say not everyone understands the implications or knows their partner is married. Anyway I'm not into stoning people who have affairs with married people. It's the married people who have made and broken the commitment, focusing on the other party is often just a way of deflecting the blame from the guilty party IMO.

KiP may be married to someone who isn't interested in sex but wants to stay in the marriage. For example.

Or she may not want to have "can always find sex" despite her high sex drive.

You have some strange views wild bill. No I'm saying that if you are in a marriage or relationship you need you partner's consent to have sex so sometimes people with high sex drives don't have sex for 5 years because they don't want to end their relationship, don't want to sexually assault their partner and don't want to have an affair.

I don't know if knowledge is male or female btw are you assuming female because of not having sex for 5 years.

Fallingovertoys- maybe, but why knowingly pick a married man? Oh well I don't know, never had the experience.

Indeed then again another possibility is maybe she's not had sex for 5 years but her hubby has it regularly - you missed that one out.....

I have read the whole thread, and it occurs to me that OP's wife may very well know what he's up to, and that's why she sleeps in another room and does not have sex with him!! But he needs to start being honest with her and everyone else in his life, as the possibilities for several types of fall-out pop into mind.... I remember a thread from someone who had just found out her hubby has a child with another woman and expects her to integrate that child into their life.... The honesty and respect parts are missing here.

What's your point bill? You make no sense. Assuming the poster is female and married why is saying not having sex for 5 years because you have to both consent to it is 'forgetting' that her husband might be having an affair?

You seem a little incoherent.

Offred - My views aren't strange,just different to yours, It's revealing that another regular poster has changed their name on this thread in order to 'side' more with the OP.

I'm amazed that people think a sexless marriage will carry on for ever without infidelity rearing it's head. I live in the real world.

You need to separate from your wife and give her the chance to find a man who loves her.

You need to own what you have done. You are still trying to fulfil a self image of you as 'the good guy.'

Why not be the good guy who is honest with his partner, who separates and gives her space, who does his fair share of childcare, honours the financial commitments of having children, loves and supports his children through their grief at the splitting up of their family? Why not do that?

Or alternatively accept all the childcare, domestic work and financial advantages your wife brings and use it to buy time so that you can fuck who you like in a grotty Travelodge.

You know which you should do. I think we both know what you are going to do though

Has the Op fucked off ?

The best thing to do here, OP, is to tell your wife what you are doing and do your share of watching your kids while she goes out and finds herself some hot young cock. I reckon her sex drive will pep right up, because you sound like quite the most sexually-selfish person I have ever read about on here

Sound like a good plan ?

Yes Wildbill I'm in a relationship and we haven't had sex for 5 years. That's a whole other story...

My point is I'm not an animal, I've made a decision to stay (up until recently) in a sexless relationship. If the OP is not happy in the relationship that shouldn't = affairs it should = a frank discussion with his partner.

Sounds to me like your marriage is probably over.

But that's incredibly inconvenient for you because, with it, you get a lot of perks - not least the facility to keep up appearances and conform.

So you have affairs because you're too scared and lazy to do anything else, ie be alone again.

Unsurprising that you're still feeling dissatisfied since that path is never going to lead you where you want to go. Despite it being the path of least resistance.

I'm female and not married and yes I do have a high sex drive but due to the years of torment and denial my self esteem is rock bottom.

It's the OPs decision to stay and to have the affairs.

Maybe OP's wife is a Mumsnetter and has read the thread and booted him out!

AF

OP, have you taken any steps to sort your snoring or to better mesh your bedtimes?

They are quite strange bill because you seem to have been saying your partner's sex drive has no effect on the amount of sex you as a couple have which is both strange, and I hope, untrue.

I'm amazed people can still, in 2014, be so hung up on giving the pretence of long term monogamy that they choose to stay in in unsatisfying relationships and make choices to do unnecessary things which damage their relationship with the co-parent and their ability to have an amicable split once they realise the relationship is over.

I don't see why dissatisfaction shouldn't result in communicating respectfully like an adult and freeing yourself to be happy.