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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would anyone else love to have an affair, but don't have the opportunity/guts etc???

216 replies

Jazzi · 23/08/2006 19:19

Just following on from the other threads?????

OP posts:
mellowma · 24/08/2006 15:49

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Jazzi · 24/08/2006 19:31

I am very sorry to have upset anyone - the reason I started this thread was not to cause offence. I spent most of my childhood with both of my parents having affairs, so I am fully aware of the consequences. I wanted to know how many of you have thought about it? There are large amounts of men and women who are having affairs, some of them maybe on here - this thread was not intended to cause offence and for that I am sorry.

OP posts:
IrisGower · 25/08/2006 16:49

Jazzi

I'm having an affair. I don't think that makes me a figure of hatred or contempt. I don't think I'm the only mum in Britain who is cheating. I don't think I'm ruining my child's life.

I'm astonished by some of these reactions to your post. How can it not be 'appropriate' to discuss infidelity? Extraordinary! What is the point of Mumsnet then? Surely if the subject matter disturbs you then read another thread!

A big percentage of men - AND WOMEN - have affairs. And they always will. A lot of people on this very site have met their life partners when they were still with someone else.

It does not mean it is nice or commendable. But neither is being rude and judgemental and, dare I say, ever so slightly superior!!!!!!!!

Alibaldi · 25/08/2006 16:52

Do you ever stop and think of the consequences of what you're doing and the hurt it causes though . I know people get unhappy in relationships but my god I wish my husband had never ever met this woman and could and talked to me instead of jumping into bed with her. Now I'm desperately trying to safe not just my marriage but my way of life and that of my childrens'. I don't feel superior I feel gutted and emotionally battered.

NannyStar · 25/08/2006 16:53

I think you're incredibly selfish Iris. How would your DP/DH and kids feel if they found out?

noddyholder · 25/08/2006 17:02

I think affairs are the cowards way of trying out something outside their everyday life but without having to have the guts to really go for it.Iris why not just leave your husband and let him get on with his life with someone who really loves him and doesn't lie to him and decieve?I guess having your ego massaged is too seductive

MegaLegs · 25/08/2006 17:03

My bil affair caused untold heartache in this family two years ago. His w and kids left devastated not to mention his parents, his ILs, my dh, SIL, me, my kids etc... he announced his affair a few days before mine and dh's wedding. I'll never forgive him for what he did to all of us.

IrisGower · 25/08/2006 17:10

NannyStar

And I think you're incredibly thick. You know nothing of me or my circumstances, not one tiny fact. You can't even engage in a conversation without making an instant judgement.Perhaps my dp beats me and the children and I'm planning an escape with my lover to give us all a better life? What do you know? Nothing.
Didn't come on the website to be abused. Goodbye.

KBear · 25/08/2006 17:13

Bye

SaintGeorgeMarple · 25/08/2006 17:13

Not read the thread and don't want to but please knock off the personal insults.

Thank you.

Scoobydooooo · 25/08/2006 17:17

I just don't see the point in an affair like someone else has said why cheat, if your unhappy just leave?

I would never ever in a million years cheat on my dp, i have respect for him, i also have had 2 children with him & i adore him & care about his feelings.

I notice people who are having these affairs seem to have very selfish attitudes & also seem to need alot of attention, is your partners attention not enough? why do you seem to feel the need for extra?

For what it's worth my sister had an affair, she had been with her husband 14 yrs then met someone off the internet, her hubby was heartbroken & so was her daughter, the affair never worked out the bloke was a twat in the end & she was so so lucky to have her dh take her back. but another 3 years down the line & she is still chatting to men on the internet & "thinking" of meeting one.
I am so annoyed, upset & hurt by hwat she is doing it makes me want to shake her. Her reason for searching for someone else is because her dh works from 7am till about 8-9pm & sometimes works away for the odd 1-2 weeks & she feels lonely, feels she is not getting enough attention.

I don't know i could go on but to be quite honest it makes me angry not only are you screwing your relationships up your being very selfish on your childs life & also making alot of people unhappy in the long run.

lemonysnickett · 25/08/2006 17:17

Jazzy started this thread to open a discussion about a taboo subject for some. I have had these chats with friends...most are of the opinion that they would not and love DH to much. I too hold that view. However, there are many in unhappy marriages. Often, women feel relationships have changed and often feel neglect, lack of romance etc. People do change, relationships do change, it is not always easy to walk out on relationships especially where children are concerned. Let he without sin.....

Original poster
Jazzi · 25/08/2006 17:18

Iris, please don't go. I am sorry I started this thread because it has lead to alot of insults flying around which is really sad. I think it took guts to admit an affair, on other threads everyone has been very supportive of others having affairs, double standards methinks!!!

OP posts:
Scoobydooooo · 25/08/2006 17:21

IrisGower - If you are in a bad relationship there is no way you should be having an affair, maybe you should be looking for ways to remove yourself from this relationship & not by grabing on to another man but doing it by yourself, there are many places & people out there who can help with violent, abusive relationships having an affair is not the answer.

NannyStar · 25/08/2006 17:22

attention seeker. don't say goodbye. just go if you're reaLLY GOING TO go.

MrsFio · 25/08/2006 17:25

I have often thought alot of affiars are due to insecurity, well most lets face it. People who arent happy with theirselves and need someone else to do it for them

God I love sex, i just dont think i love it enough to hurt people in the process

Alibaldi · 25/08/2006 17:49

Maybe insecurity. My H works all hours - travels greatly I never ever contemplated an affair was too busy with our children anyway. He had the affair, because I'd made him unhappy - still all my fault lol. I was battered emotionally in our counselling session this week and he's still off and about working whilst I have to hold it together at home. I'm sure alot of people get caught up in the rush of emotion - lust that they feel and it's an escape from the humdrum. Leaving is the easy option believe me. If I could leave I would, but then I would give up a wonderful, home, school for my children to have to return to no home, friends, school, job in the UK. Perhaps some people who have affairs are in the same position as me. But they are destructive acts as many woman/men on here would state. Once you find out it's like your whole world gets torn into millions of little pieces. Please people if you consider that your life is boring and somebody offers you something better, consider the emotional fall-out for all those around you and yourself aswell.

UnquietDad · 26/08/2006 00:03

View From Bloke Corner. After which I will duck.

I think there's a bit of messenger-shooting going on here. It's a bit unfair to have a go at poor Jazzi for bringing the subject up. After all (as far as I can tell, only having been signed up for a week) every thorny subject under the sun gets discussed here, many of which could upset people who have had the experience. It seems she is interested, for whatever reason, in what leads people to have an affair. Giving Jazzi the benefit of the doubt and assuming she is not Lowri Turner doing some cheap vox-pop research for a slapped-together article in the Sunday supplements, I think people should discuss it if they want to and leave it if they don't.

UnquietDad · 26/08/2006 00:24

forgot to add - there must be people who actively go out looking to have one. I don't know any personally, but I have vague memories of some woman on the Jeremy Vine show about a year ago who was running a 'discreet infidelity' website and claimed to have thousands of members signed up. As I recall she got a right pasting from the listeners.

ohwhyohwhy · 26/08/2006 02:40

A few of my friends and I discussed this a while back and they reckoned that just because I had a good friendship with a particular male friend that I ran the risk of having an affair. I was ed by this. I have a male friend who is nothing more than a brother figure to me and I would never dream of having an affair. My husband and children mean more to me than anything else in the world and the guilt would kill me. I know of people with "open" marriages but I don't think it is healthy in the greater scheme of things.

suzywong · 26/08/2006 03:03

I thnk few people would love to have the emotional mind F and crap that is supposes to go with an affair but I think everyone would love to have the special attention too.
Cake and eat it syndrome really

mellowma · 26/08/2006 09:57

Message withdrawn

fattiemumma · 26/08/2006 22:47

Jazzi this is a subject worthy of discussion the same as any other.

Iris - if your gone then bloody fantastic. You came on and gave your own opinion and then became insulting when someone (with morals) disagreed. good riddance.

there is never an excuse to cheat. if your partner was abusive (which i know all about) having an affair is probably the last thing on your mind.

if you feel the need to be with someone else then first finish with your partner. To have an affair is nothing to do with "being brave enough" it is a feeble and inexcusable act of cawardice and selishnes.

man or woman, if you cheat you should be bloody well ashamewd of yourselves and if you have chil;dren you should question just how much you really care about them.
As a mother there is nothing i wouldn't do to stop ,my kids from feeling emotional pain. to go out and seek to destroy my family and inflict such pain on them is beyond belief.

greeny - happy to entertain

Joolstoo · 26/08/2006 22:48

no, never, it's simply not in my nature to be unfaithful in any way, shape or form.

Gobbledigook · 26/08/2006 22:56

M, check your email x