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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

432 replies

Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 10:42

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

OP posts:
FrontForward · 22/04/2014 18:42

Yes. Completely separate issues.

However if someone chooses to identify as girly with a blokey husband is it right to judge? If she wants her man to take the lead that's up to her.

I guess what she's saying is she's opted out of the current expectation of relationship dynamics and is opting to take what she considers to be more traditional. People do obviously find that hard to stomach. Fortunately it's not their relationship they are being asked to change!

Maisie0 · 22/04/2014 18:59

By taking the lead, doesn't she mean that he is taking initiative as well ? I can always tell what a person feel and mean. If she said that he is taking the lead and taking the initiative, then it really means that the OP truly wanted this kind of setup to begin with and that she is happy about it. Whereas it is obvious that this is not the same desire for other posters who do not agree with the "taking the lead" comment, and they used more negative comments like "submissive" and "inequality" and so forth.

I too wish to be in the OP's shoes actually. I have also done things the hard way is how I see it. I go into work, and I get berated and not appreciated. It is very different to be appreciated by your loved ones, than to be "respected casually" by random strangers or random people who do not care all that much for you to be honest, as long as you fix their problem for them, then they would not complain. People in the workplace would want your job above theirs and always compete, and they do not always appreciate or show kindness. There is a difference somewhat.

I know that in this day and age, this kind of setup is known as "traditional" in this country, but to be honest, I was raised by a working mother too, and who was also a housewife before too. So yes, I do appreciate that this is and should not be a case of "either/or". If the time is right, and that a woman want to feather the nest or to see her young children grow up, then she should be given this opportunity to do so, and not always to actually step and follow that equality rule for equality sake. Why throw away your own happiness for the same of being respected by others who are not in your own shoes and can never phantom the desire to be close to your children and loved ones ? I actually quite detest the displacement of others' expectation on me jut because a few women did this in the past. My mother did things differently, so whatever "feminism" or not, it truly does not apply to us. Definitely not so in my family. She was a working girl for family's business, and then was a SAHM, and then worked also in a business with my dad. Times were good because she at least had a chance to spend it with her children. I shall always appreciate this.

Feminism in the UK back then was really not to do with other women doing other things across the world, but it was about a set group of women, and their politics in this country. Whether it could have gone this way or it went another way, it is all remain to be seen. Sometimes when I talk to some ladies, they too would want to see their children grow up and that they be a SAHM. I do not see anything wrong with this personally. I wish I had the gumption to say to other people when I was young to "sod off" and not influence my thinking. Cos I really regret this now being childrenless, and missed a lot of opportunities to be with someone and have kids. This really hurts the most. This kind of self regret can never leave one's heart. Regardless of whatever political climate exists in this country.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 19:04

OP hasn't elaborated on the "he is taking the lead" comment, despite being politely asked to do so several times.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 19:06

Do WOHM's not "see their children grow up" ? Confused

Beggar me, what have I been watching and facilitating for the last 18 years then ?

Creamycoolerwithcream · 22/04/2014 19:15

I just assumed the OP meant in the bedroom (but that could be my over active imagination).

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 19:21

I didn't get that impression, tbh

Fairenuff · 22/04/2014 19:47

The thing is, OP did not have any choice over the housework and childcare. That is seen as her role, regardless of whether or not she works.

Her dh has just said that she can give up work. But he hasn't given her permission to give up 50% of the housework (ie his share) because he has no intention of doing it.

OP says she is ok with this so I guess that's fine for her. But obviously many other women would see this as disrespectful and demeaning.

Twinklestein · 22/04/2014 20:01

Absolutely, she didn't have any choice over the housework. She had to do it on top of her work. If her husband 'lets' her go back to work, you can be sure that he will not take on 50% of the chores, because he thinks he is entitled not to. The longer he goes on in that belief, the harder it will be to change, the more resentful he will be when she asks it.

The question in thread title is:

'Do men just take the lead?' ie - Is this just what men are like? Is this something that I have passively to accept?

The answer's no.

Melonbreath · 22/04/2014 20:12

Blimey. The only thing from the 50s I'd like in my life is the fashion.
I suggested to dh I have his tea ready when he comes in and he looked a bit scared, my cooking is legendarily bad. I even screw up gravy granules.
Whatever works for you but just because you're happy with your setup doesn't mean everyone else would be.

Offred · 22/04/2014 21:57

It's not about being a SAHM. It's about accepting that a man has ultimate authority over you. You can be a SAHM or a WOHM if you accept that your male partner has ultimate authority that may appear fine for as long as you want what he wants but as soon as opinions differ that lifestyle might not seem so rosy.

Yes, I think obviously any career will seem difficult if your partner refuses to share the burden of housework. It can be pretty manipulative to be 'bad' at housework and then to convince you it is your problem.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 23/04/2014 07:52

the OP is not saying 'in my relationship with my partner, we are both happy with my partner taking the lead' (which I personally would find odd and childish but this is my opinion, not some definitively correct view).

she is playing dumb and wittering on about oooh girly girl girls, blokey blokes, quoting men are from mars, men are providers and a load of other arse gravy.

there is nothing wrong with liking the 'girly' things in life but as an intelligent adult.

Blossum123 · 24/04/2014 21:18

The thing is, OP did not have any choice over the housework and childcare. That is seen as her role, regardless of whether or not she works.

Her dh has just said that she can give up work. But he hasn't given her permission to give up 50% of the housework (ie his share) because he has no intention of doing it.

OP says she is ok with this so I guess that's fine for her. But obviously many other women would see this as disrespectful and demeaning.

Iv said earlier that he will do the house work but it's not done to my standard .he also doesn't prioritise it .he physically couldn't do half the house work as he is at work most of the time .

OP posts:
hercules1 · 24/04/2014 21:22

He could physically do half the housework. Dh and I both work long hours yet do half the housework each. Housework isn't difficult either so I don't understand how his standard of doing it isn't okay.

Blossum123 · 24/04/2014 21:25

Add message | Report | Message poster AnyFucker Tue 22-Apr-14 19:04:40
OP hasn't elaborated on the "he is taking the lead" comment, despite being politely asked to do so several times.
I'm sorry I thought I had - .
I mean general in .i do still decide most of the home stuff but he will decides what best to do in general for example if we were deciding on holidays etc . It's worked very well for us . We don't tend to disagree . He makes a point go asking what I think but it's nice the pressure not to be on me . He sorts it .he knows my well as we have been together along time .

OP posts:
Blossum123 · 24/04/2014 21:28

Add message | Report | Message poster hercules1 Thu 24-Apr-14 21:22:45
He could physically do half the housework. Dh and I both work long hours yet do half the housework each. Housework isn't difficult either so I don't understand how his standard of doing it isn't okay.

Even when I worked in my previous profession ( where I did a lot more hours ) he still did aprox 20 hrs a week more than me at times! So I didn't expect him to do it .

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/04/2014 21:28

That sounds very surrendered wife-like. He makes the (usually benevolent) decisions because he knows what is best for you, and you sanction that. Have you made an undertaking to surrender ?

hercules1 · 24/04/2014 21:28

No, could never live like this. It sounds like you have very little control. Great you are happy but not a life for me or my daughter. I enjoy being an adult and making decisions. It's very important to me to have autonomy over my life.

hercules1 · 24/04/2014 21:29

I have to say op you're posts are quite chilling.

hercules1 · 24/04/2014 21:30

Your

hercules1 · 24/04/2014 21:31

What if there was somewhere you wanted to go? Would you think, well dh, doesn't think I want to go there so therefore as he knows me best he must be right and I can't really want to go there so I won't.

Blossum123 · 24/04/2014 21:32

the OP is not saying 'in my relationship with my partner, we are both happy with my partner taking the lead' (which I personally would find odd and childish but this is my opinion, not some definitively correct view).

she is playing dumb and wittering on about oooh girly girl girls, blokey blokes, quoting men are from mars, men are providers and a load of other arse gravy.

there is nothing wrong with liking the 'girly' things in life but as an intelligent adult.
I'm not quoting anything . I do however feel for us it works better with my husband being the main financial provider - I'm not sure why that would upset or offend u so much ? I simply asked if anyone else was the same Not that everybody should do the same .
I prefer that way of life - I can tell it's annoyed some people . There seems to be a view that wanting to or being a housewife is some sort of feminist failing .

OP posts:
hercules1 · 24/04/2014 21:34

Blossum- you are in no way a feminist. Being a sahp is irrelevant in a way as it's perfectly possible to be a sahp and in an equal relationship.

Blossum123 · 24/04/2014 21:36

Add message | Report | Message poster hercules1 Thu 24-Apr-14 21:31:26
What if there was somewhere you wanted to go? Would you think, well dh, doesn't think I want to go there so therefore as he knows me best he must be right and I can't really want to go there so I won't.

I would say I wanted to go . I imagine he would go out of his way for it to happen if I said I wanted something .
I don't understand why u find it chilling . I'm happy for him to take the lead and make major choices .however i know he wouldn't want me go somewhere I didn't want to go so wouldn't push it .

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/04/2014 21:37

You keep swopping and changing your focus. First it is housework, then it is handing over the decisions around how the family lives it's life.

Which is it ? Or both ?

Blossum123 · 24/04/2014 21:38

No I am in no way what so ever a feminist !!!
I think it's the feminist view that thinks it's wrong that someone would be happy to be a housewife .

OP posts: