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Original poster

Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

432 replies

Blossum123 · 21/04/2014 10:42

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

OP posts:
Offred · 22/04/2014 11:55

And yes, being happy is important. I meant being happy does not mean there is no problem.

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 11:57

But I don't have to offer up any arguments. This is not about what you perceive at all. It's not about you.

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 11:59

You are projecting what happened in your failed relationship onto tge OP. You are projecting potential problems where there are none.

Offred · 22/04/2014 11:59

Well you do if you are saying there is no problem... What a strange perspective...

Jinsei · 22/04/2014 11:59

I would hate the kind of set-up that the OP has described, it would be my worst nightmare. Like ithaka, I thrive on a sense of challenge and achievement, and I don't see much scope for these in the lifestyle that the OP describes.

However, we're all different, so perhaps this arrangement really is best for the OP. She is the best judge of whether she is happy or not. If the current set-up works for the OP and her DH, then I say good luck to them!

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 12:00

You are potentially making her feel bad for her choices and her chosen lifestyle. Her marriage is happy.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 22/04/2014 12:00

It's all a bit deep for me, happiness, family, health is what is important to me. If two people find each other and can satisfy each others wants and needs then good luck to them.

Offred · 22/04/2014 12:01

I've never said even one time that what happened in my relationship is what would happen in hers. I've simply said it happened in mine as a result of that disparity in power and that there are an awful lot of ways it could be worse and I think it is pretty self evident that she should consider the ways it might affect her and her relationship.

What exactly are you saying? 'If you are happy don't think' that sounds incredibly stupid tbh.

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 12:01

But Offred the OP has NO problems. You ate the one who seems to think she will have problems.

Fizzybangfanny · 22/04/2014 12:02

offred SAHM are not slaves. What a strange perception you have.

Offred · 22/04/2014 12:03

And I'm not saying she can't judge for herself. Obviously that's what she will do. I don't see what the point is in the frantic "ooo, shush, don't talk about that". Surely everyone should make as informed a decision as possible.

Offred · 22/04/2014 12:04

I'm saying she should consider how it might cause problems.

For the last time I'm not talking about SAHMs.

I'm talking about 'letting the man take the lead'.

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 12:05

If someone wants their man to take the lead then that is their choice. It's not wrong. It's their choice. You can't go through life judging everything and everyone by your own experiences.

tribpot · 22/04/2014 12:07

The early humans were hunter-gatherers. The hunters may (or may not) have been predominantly male but the gathering still had to get done. I would imagine that, as it is in the poorest parts of the world today, fetching water was a major undertaking and one that fell predominantly to women.

My concerns for you would be that you are financially exposed, both as an individual and as a couple. If your DH chooses to take his earning power elsewhere, or if your DH became too ill to work, you would find it more difficult to re-enter the workforce the longer you have been out of it. Whilst it might suit your family dynamic right now for one partner to be predominantly based at home, I would take a ten year view and consider some of the 'what ifs'. Without an income of your own you are vulnerable. You may feel that risk is one you're prepared to take, but you should do so mindfully and not just because it is a relief not to be doing two full-time jobs because your DH never picked up his share in the home.

Millyblods · 22/04/2014 12:08

I'm out. Offred therapy would be good for you to work through your issues so you stop being so angry with the world and to understand that we are all different and that is perfectly ok. You seem to always want to be right on threads and not be able to look beyond your own perception of the world.

Offred · 22/04/2014 12:09

Yes, if someone wants their man to take their lead then they are able to make that choice.

Why does that mean they should be encouraged not to think about the consequences before they commit to it or that people who point out the objectively recognised problems with giving another person control over your life are bitter?

Offred · 22/04/2014 12:11

Oh ok, how boring now resorting to telling me I'm angry and need therapy...

Maybe one time you could make some kind of actual counter argument instead of just resorting to a pretty uninteresting and standard personal attack.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 12:21

Unfortunately, the relationships board is littered with women who wish they had taken a more long term view of handing their financial security over to a man. Offred is simply using her own experience to illustrate her point, which is a general one and one with which I wholeheartedly agree.

This situation only works for as long as the one holding the financial power wants it to work. Not a risk I would be willing to take to avoid the 9-5 because my partner didn't do his share in keeping the show on the road.

Offred · 22/04/2014 12:28

I don't think I'd have made a different choice tbh. As a single mum on benefits and with limited earning capacity when I met h my choices were pretty limited if we wanted to progress the relationship and I took steps to protect myself and him financially if this happened which have now proven to be vitally important.

Really just urging the op and any other woman to think. Not to make any particular choice.

badbaldingballerina123 · 22/04/2014 13:34

The jokes about you can have whatever you want as long as tea is on the table and your available for sex made me cringe. If someone made a joke like that about me I would be incredibly angry and I'd consider whether it was a joke or a slip up regarding my value. What happens when your not making his tea , and not available for sex ?

As for this take the lead thing , I'm not sure what he's taking the lead on exactly. He's shit at housework , shit with homework , and more importantly shit with money which isn't acceptable in an adult. Apart from going to work , what does he actually take responsibility for ?

The issue of being a sahm is a personal one. The focus for sahm is their kids. But it sounds like your focus is him with the references to taking care of him. I can completely see why he's a lot happier , his life is much easier than most men's and he is actually doing a lot less , not a lot more. That's not leading.

Also if he needed to do overtime to pay for a spa day , it doesn't sound like your in a position not to work. Technically it was up to him whether you went or not and that's not good. I've been in this position , and when your reliant on them , it can go terribly wrong.

Twinklestein · 22/04/2014 13:49

I agree balding, it was a grim comment.

As other posters have said being a SAHM does not necessarily involve 'taking a backseat' or letting your husband 'take the lead' as the OP put it.

My sister gave up a city career to be a full time mother to 3 children. There is no question of her being in the backseat, on the contrary she is in charge.

This is less about current work arrangements than the OP's husband's attitude. No housework because he doesn't fancy it, more chirpy now he's got a servant. It's win win for him. The OP is happy for now because she found her job stressful, but when she wants to go back to work, he may well kick up a fuss, as many wives have found on here, and he will most certainly do no housework.

Cabrinha · 22/04/2014 16:05

The issue for me reading this is the words you use (your attitude, expectations?) rather than the actual situation.

Compare:

"I hated my job, I'm keeping my hand in but have paid tI retrain as a dental nurse. It feels a bit weird not being a wage earner any more, but the house seems easier RO manage and we're all happy."

and

"oh I'm a girly girl and he's a blokey bloke and he's taking the lead".

Ugh.

If you're happy to take on the financial risk of your career decision should you split up, then that's your business. Personally I wouldn't to be a SAHM, I might for retraining, even to a lower warning career if I was happy with that potentially being my income as a single parent.

But I can't abide all this girly girl blokey bloke claptrap. Makes you sound dim, which presumably you're not.

FrontForward · 22/04/2014 18:18

I would never advocate a woman giving up a career to become a SAHM for a host of reasons tbh. However if that's what a woman wishes to do and has thought it through, then I'd respect that adult choice. Don't make her feel inadequate or weak or stupid. Becoming a SAHM is a valid choice. (I've never taken that choice and never will but it doesn't mean I would be dismissive of a woman who has)

I think it definitely weakens your position should you separate. I think it can change the dynamics of a relationship and can also affect the SAHP so that their horizons become focused on home life. (Please note the 'can' and don't all shoot me down...it does happen)

So that's about her SAHM choice. Loads on here take it. Big deal..

The little jokes and remarks I can imagine hearing from some very nice blokes...would make me raise an eyebrow if it was said to me but they don't mean anything from some men. It's like institutional sexism...but this is a private relationship not a workplace so it's up to an individual whether they accept it or not. I wouldn't. She does. Her choice.

Dentist vs dental nurse. Very few people can become dentists. Not sure what point you were trying to extract by that remark... I'm not brainy enough would be my response and that of plenty others. How does that add to the argument.

FrontForward · 22/04/2014 18:27

It seems to be very uncool to say u like to look after ur man - but hey I'm maybe to old to be cool. i though feminism was about having a choice - no ones forcing me in reality iv often felt guilty for him working so much

I think Blossom's own words sum this up for me. She has made a choice. I'm not going to denigrate her or that choice. Enough people have cautioned about financial security should the relationship sour. The choice is hers.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 22/04/2014 18:35

there is an ocean of distance between being a SAHP and all this 'letting my man take the lead' crap.