Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

[Blossum123]

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

To the ladies who have said they have similar lifestyles could I ask a couple of questions ?

How do u handle the issues it brings up with others do u just ignore it ?
Do u feel guilty having so much free time ? He's actively encouraging me to take up dance lessons again ( something I never had time for b4) so he's happy with it but I sometimes feel bad .
What division of labour do u have when he's off work ? I tend to do most of the jobs still as I have my routine and he does more with the girls so gets quality time - although he will ask if he can help me .i tend to give him the jobs I dislike lol x

OP I am a stay at home mum, NOT a housewife.
I am here for the children's sake, not my husband's.
My dh makes his own packed lunch.

As I said my children are at school so I'm not a sahm . I don't think there is anything wrong been at home to look after ur whole family . My husband works long hours for us so I look after him
. I see myself being at home for my families sake not just the girls

I wonder what the men who want to opt out of earning, and making the decisions, and taking the lead do....

You have said he normally makes decisions but you have clarified that this is only after consulting you or already knowing your views. The way you describe your relationship is odd.

What you have a very ordinary relationship where both of you are happy in your roles, you support each other, talk about major decisions together and compromise. This is normal.

The only thing that is out of the ordinary is the language you choose to use to describe your relationship. I get the feeling that you enjoy a submissive role and want others to know about it.

It comes across as a little bit creepy to me. I feel like I'm being drawn into some weird 'secret joke' between you both, or something.

Can't put my finger on it. All the 'lol'ing, girlie girlie, text spk is probably clouding my judgement

Anyway. Seems like there's nothing really to discuss

I'd hate to stay at home - it would bore me senseless.

My job is very important to me and makes me a more interesting person. I also like being financially independent.

Being at home is lovely , iv lots of friends hubby's and interests so I'm not bored . I guess it depends on what interests u have .
Even when I worked full time I didn't see myself as financially separate or independent - it was our money as is just his wage now

Fair enough - I'm glad u have decided u no longer need to be concerned for me and will inform my husband tomorrow you have deemed us normal / creepy / exhibitionists !

I have had chance to chat to some like minded people so the post has been beneficial to me - I really think ur over thinking things

I wonder what the men who want to opt out of earning, and making the decisions, and taking the lead do....
Be house husbands ?

I would worry about the example this set up gives your children.

It's not normal and would not work for most people.

You think house husbands opt out of all decision-making, and let their wives take the lead on everything...........?

Add message | Report | Message poster JapaneseMargaret Fri 25-Apr-14 21:21:21
You think house husbands opt out of all decision-making, and let their wives take the lead on everything...........?

Iv not got a clue and tbh I don't really care what others do

Add message | Report | Message poster phalanges Fri 25-Apr-14 21:16:53
I would worry about the example this set up gives your children.

It's not normal and would not work for most people.

Both girls are normal confident girls - .we don't argue he's a good provider he doesn't go out drinking .we spend time as a family .
I don't think me looking after their dad and cooking him his fav meals and doing his pack up along with theirs will cause them any long term damage !

Don't you worry they might go on to be surrendered wives?

My husband's parents had this sort of relationship. He has nothing good to say about it.

Here's my point, then...

1. Men, as a social group, do not have the option to 'opt out' of decision-making and taking the lead when it comes to relationships, because it's so frowned upon. It's nice for you, that you do, but there's inherently no equality in it, because it's something that society only deems OK for women.

1. Most people would think any man who did opt out of, not only earning (which is fine and socially acceptable), but also all the desision-making taking any initiative as perhaps a tad, um, pathetic and incapable of being a grown-up. I'm going to be honest, I would. And the thing is, harsh as it is, I feel exactly the same way about a women who does so.

There is nothing wrong with conducting one's own relationship in a way that works for that couple. But to divulge oneself of any right to be an equal partner, with a right to compromise and disagree and sometimes be the one to take the lead is to revert to a child-like state that many people simply cannot respect.

My post was to chat to like minded people with similar lifestyles- not to discuss my relationship or analyse it . This has been partly successful - however it's attracted endless questions . I think iv been very polite and tried to answer them for u .
Many of u have said u wouldn't want my lifestyle but I would hate yours . I don't expect you to want to live like me or have my beliefs . Yet some of you try to force yours on others.
My husband doesn't force the way we live on me it suits us both .i enjoy been at home looking after him - some of you seem to find this hard to understand . I find that odd that u can't accept someone thinks differently to you .
Regarding my children . We have always said they are to be what ever they want . Me looking after their dad isn't damaging them .they are both happy and carefree - what more could I want .the oldest says she want to get married and have children .the youngest wants to be a solicitor .both totally different and unique .
We aren't perfect by any means but we are great parents.save ur putty and concern for children who grow up with parents who don't have time for them / don't want them etc .
I think many of u are judgemental . U only believe in equality and the right to choose if it's ur choice

Add message | Report | Message poster phalanges Fri 25-Apr-14 21:29:32
Don't you worry they might go on to be surrendered wives?

My husband's parents had this sort of relationship. He has nothing good to say about it.
God no they are far to gobby !!!

In that case, I think you've been naive, starting this thread on the Mumsnet relationships board - a forum with feminist leanings, on a sub-board that exhorts women to stand up for themselves. But you're new, so I guess that explains it.

The question you posed in your thread title invited controversary ('do men just want to take the lead?'), so quite how you expected this to go, is anyone's guess!

Anyway, welcome to Mumsnet. :)

I agree with JapaneseMargaret. It is impossible for me to have any respect for your stance, and as you have posted about it, I am going to post my opinion.

I am sure you are 'great parents' in your opinion. But you are bringing your children up in 2014, they are unlikely to have such old fashioned relationships in the future.

I don't know what 'God no they are far to gobby' [sic] alludes to.

Here's my point, then...

1. Men, as a social group, do not have the option to 'opt out' of decision-making and taking the lead when it comes to relationships, because it's so frowned upon. It's nice for you, that you do, but there's inherently no equality in it, because it's something that society only deems OK for women.

1. Most people would think any man who did opt out of, not only earning (which is fine and socially acceptable), but also all the desision-making taking any initiative as perhaps a tad, um, pathetic and incapable of being a grown-up. I'm going to be honest, I would. And the thing is, harsh as it is, I feel exactly the same way about a women who does so.

There is nothing wrong with conducting one's own relationship in a way that works for that couple. But to divulge oneself of any right to be an equal partner, with a right to compromise and disagree and sometimes be the one to take the lead is to revert to a child-like state that many people simply cannot respect.

1. so are u saying I should live my life as society ( mumsnet !) demands ? It seems that the people with the biggest issue with my lifestyle are other woman . Uv said it's nice for me but there is no equality - how does that work when it's my choice ?! I don't care if men can or can't do it .i will live my life in the way that's best for me and my family
2. I don't need and didn't ask for respect from anyone on here . I wanted to speak to others simular .i choose to answere the questions out of politeness

I was asked do I think my daughters will be surrendered wives ( I am not one by the way !)
I don't no - I don't think they are any more likely to become that than another woman . But would I would hate for them is not to have the courage to live their lives as they want - why should I change because someone's decided it isn't in the best interests of equality . ?! Which I don't get because equality is having equal opportunity and choice

In that case, I think you've been naive, starting this thread on the Mumsnet relationships board - a forum with feminist leanings, on a sub-board that exhorts women to stand up for themselves. But you're new, so I guess that explains it.

The question you posed in your thread title invited controversary ('do men just want to take the lead?'), so quite how you expected this to go, is anyone's guess!

Anyway, welcome to Mumsnet.

Thankyou for the welcome !
I hadn't realised it was a feminist group - so hadn't really expected people to get their knickers in such a twist !

Blossum

I'm pretty similar in lots of respects.

You asked how to handle issues with others. Tell them to shove it if it makes you and your family happy.
I too look after my dh in a way because I look after my relationship with him as he does likewise.
I'll cook something for him sometimes at 2am if I'm still up, he could do it himself as he does if I'm in bed. I do it because I want to.
We both think its important to look after each other and be the best parents we can for our dc.
I think it weird not to think like this, but its each to their own

I agree with JapaneseMargaret. It is impossible for me to have any respect for your stance, and as you have posted about it, I am going to post my opinion.

I am sure you are 'great parents' in your opinion. But you are bringing your children up in 2014, they are unlikely to have such old fashioned relationships in the future.

I don't know what 'God no they are far to gobby' [sic] alludes to.

You can post it,and I have been kind enough to answer you .
I don't need to gain any respect from you for it to make any difference to me - so that is irrelevant .

I'm sure we all parent in a way we think makes us " great parents " or we wouldn't do it would we ?
None of us known what paths our children will take or what the future holds.
Personally I think more woman are getting sick of been told they have to do xyz or it's not equality . Equality is about choosing for yourself .

As for my gobby children I'm unsure what u mean!?

Blossum

I'm pretty similar in lots of respects.

You asked how to handle issues with others. Tell them to shove it if it makes you and your family happy.
I too look after my dh in a way because I look after my relationship with him as he does likewise.
I'll cook something for him sometimes at 2am if I'm still up, he could do it himself as he does if I'm in bed. I do it because I want to.
We both think its important to look after each other and be the best parents we can for our dc.
I think it weird not to think like this, but its each to their own

Thankyou for the advice . I'm maybe to polite ! I agree I find it odd people don't want to take care of their relationship but who am I to judge .
I wonder by the reaction iv got if more woman on here are the same but don't say anything due to the hostility .

I'm pretty similar too however I expect the same in return from any partner.

The issue I have is that your negotiations don't sound like him taking the lead because you say you have choice but you don't say whether you are ever allowed to veto his choice because you have a reasonable view that is reasonably strong.

Are you involved in the decisions? For example with the ear piercing did he exam why he wants to wait until 16 as did you agree or did he just decide and you accepted?

You talk about choice and how important it is but, and I know I keep saying it, so you see how when you say he chooses for you that isn't you making choices? When you are happy with his choices it isn't because you are choosing and have the power to choose, it is because you happen not to disagree? Choice of lifestyle is important but I don't think it is the only important choice - there are lots of little day to day choices which it is important to be involved in as an equal otherwise I can't see how you have a partner, rather what you have is a father and you cannot possibly hope to contribute to life as an adult.

You don't need to let him choose everything for you and the girls in order to look after him or the home or the family. There's literally no reason why you can't be involved in decision equally other than at the moment you are happy to be relieved of that stress. Please please heed the warnings though, it can be very difficult to recover your independence from a situation like this and while independence may not seem attractive to you right now it may be essential to you one day.

*explain

Hmm... a former accountant who can't spell, says 'would of' and talks in txt spk? lol x