Anyone have or want a old fashioned relationship ? Do men just want to take the lead ,?

[Blossum123]

I'm new so if in the wrong place sorry .
Iv been married 10 years - 2 children . I have worked a lot of hours while bringing the kids up - iv now changed jobs and we have a more traditional role where he is the main wage provider and I'm at home and support him . Our relationship is so much better . I can really see the benifits of a more traditional relationship - anyone found the same ?i love being his wife and taking care of him and in return he does the same x

OP you say you're not a feminist. So you consider men to be better than women then? You don't think you're equal to your husband? You think his needs and wants are more important than yours?

I've been a SAHM for over 13 years, I also consider myself a radical feminist. Feminism is about equality and choice. I chose to stay at home, DH chose to be the main breadwinner (well he was, unemployed atm). We have an equal partnership, I couldn't let anyone else make my decisions for me.

I'm glad your situation works for you and makes you happy. But don't think that every SAHM has decided to have a "traditional" relationship just because she stays at home with the kids. Other SAHMs can quite happily have equal relationships, be active feminists and still do the housework, that's the beauty of feminism.

We have an equal partnership, I couldn't let anyone else make my decisions for me.

That's a key difference. The OP has said he takes the lead, and he takes decisions on things like where they go on holiday. Her decisions are made for her.

I have read too many threads in MN from women who thought they were in great relationships, but now he's walked out; or they missed the signs that were there; they resent having to do everything in the house. I couldn't willingly give up the financial control that my own income gives - even if a man shares all his income, lets you pay all the bills and so on, if he has the only income, he could take it all away whenever he chose.

It's not just about earning your own income - when my father died, all his accounts were frozen, including the joint accounts. The only money my mother had access to until the admin had been sorted was what was in the account that was in her sole name. You just can't tell what the future will bring, and being entirely reliant on someone else financially would make me worry too much, just in case.

And someone doing extra hours to allow me to take a spa day - well, I'd be uncomfortable with that anyway - but what if they decide in future they can't be arsed to do extra hours, and you just have to do without? I'm sure people are thinking, "well, my husband isn't like that," but the relationships board is full of people who thought their husbands weren't like that, and they end up trapped, because it turns out in the end, many of them are.

As iv said it's my choice -we have been together many years - can't see him changing to much - although we could all say that anyone could end up in a relationship failure . And I'm sure that if that happened I would be fine . I aren't thankfully one of the ladies on the relationship prob bit - no one knows the future but are marriage is good

And if we did split I would be fine no doubt - our lifestyle isn't being enforced on me it a lifestyle choice and I guess that's the difference .

As for him treating me to SPa daysPersonally I love it and don't see it as grounds for divorce ! X

Mojito madness - In Answere to ur question I believe men and woman are equal but different ( obv we are all diff as individuals which can influence this )
I dislike a lot of the feminist movement as everything seems to be a issue for them , from how woman dress dome to lifestyle choices such as mine .
The whole point of feminism ( I thought ) was to have choice. Iv not pushed my lifestyle on others yet others seem to think because they don't like what iv chosen I'm being manipulated ( choice is the key word here )

You don't alarm me . A very different life to mine but I'm not reading any dastardly plan by a controlling man to make you submit to his will. I'm reading into it that you both want to live lives that don't really fit people's idea of what is correct and proper in 2014...and people can't accept it

It does seem like that ! X

Yes we have a traditional set-up here too. For us it was a deliberate and conscious choice. I have always wanted to look after my children full time and actually enjoy keeping the house. I am militant about it, (which ironically irritates DH sometimes) When DH and I were dating we talked about what we wanted to do when we had DCs. I'm not sure we would have got married if DH had resented the thought of being the main earner in our home, although I did work up until 7 months before DD came along.

I do most of the housework and caring for the DCs. But I see it as a fair trade off as DH works long ours to provide for us. Actually I feel I get the better deal as once the house and important stuff is done I get to go on outings with DCs, I am loving this period of their lives and am glad I'm not missing any of it. I also get more time for my hobbies, and can spend time looking after my mum who suffers with Chron's disease.

As regards being submissive, I suppose I am to a degree. I rarely argue with DH and make sure I devote lots of time to him when he finishes work, and his dinner is mostly always ready for when he arrives home. We are happy with things this way. He doesn't give me an allowance, but we have a joint account and I make sure all the bills are paid. Sometimes I mention something I like and DH surprises me with it so I rarely end up going into the account for personal things that I don't put in our normal shopping.

It works for us. I have to say it is partly my personalilty as I am happiest at home surrounded with by my family and creature comforts. My home is my sanctuary and energises me. I find I am less stressed mentally (have suffered from depression in the past in my teens and early twenties and had a very unsettled home life) I am lucky to have a husband who doesn't mind giving me the choice of staying at home and doesn't think working outside the home is more important.

Although other people (mostly women interestingly) are a little when I tell them I voluntarily stay at home, frankly I'm really tired of apologizing to strangers for my choices. The only person whose opinion matters to me ultimately is DH and he says he's happy with the status quo. And our family is happy and we've been doing things this way for 5 years now.

If the financial situation changed I would go back to work, but I know I would be more stressed and less able to juggle all my other responsibilities with the same focus I am able to give now. If it works for you OP own it, be happy, and stuff everyone else.

Yes iv found it's mostly woman as well - . I'm
Very simular as I say if something really bothered me I would say but I'm quite happy for him to decide / and he's very thoughtful. I enjoy looking after him and in the same way he likes to treat me - have separate accounts ( never got round to changing them ) but I Transfer money as needed his is just used as a bills account .
I wouldn't say I was militant with housework but my husband would say I was ! X

The whole point of feminism ( I thought ) was to have choice

Then how is it unreasonable for people on this thread to be concerned about you deciding to give away your ability to choose to your h? You don't get the choice anymore remember, he chooses for you! You speak like you have choice but what you are posting about is deferring to him as the man of the house.

I worry, as I have all along, that you aren't really aware of the implications of this 'letting him take the lead' stuff. It's not to do with the work you each do in the family or that so far he has made choices for you that you have been agreeable to you, it's that when someone else decides for you you do what they say. If it happens that you agree with their choice you may not see it as a problem but what happens when you don't agree and you realise you no longer have a choice or any control and you are simply required to do as you are told? How happy will you be then?

It is unreasonable to expect that a partner will 100% of the time know what you want/need/like and that given that huge power will never ever abuse it for his/her benefit. I suspect to a certain extent you will try to like the things he tells you to do but what will happen when there's a big thing that you feel really strongly about? He chooses remember. There's no picking and choosing when you let him take the lead otherwise that wouldn't be letting him take the lead would it?

Offred - I do see what ur saying . But like thr other lady I choose to follow his lead 99% of the time / but like I said previously if I felt it was wrong I wouldn't stand for it - so if he said I don't want u to retrain or something to do that had serious consequences for the children . I wouldn't blindly follow dangerous suggestions, I'm allowing him to lead I'm not brain washed .
However he has never suggested anything awful dangerous or plain wrong - so I choose to let him lead . I would be shocked if he suggested anything awful as he isn't like that .
For example I would like our daughters ears pierced - they would love it . He's said not till they are 16 . I don't maybe agree that's nessercery but I won't challenge him
On it . Had he said I want out daughters tattooed and married off at 13 I would ! X

I'm confused.

I still don't see where he is taking the lead.

OP is in charge of the finances. He sometimes chooses where to go on holiday but sometimes she chooses.

Yes it is nice to let him make the decisions. That's not to say we don't talk about what we both want - but ultimatly I let him get on with it - and tbf e normally picks what he knows would make me happy

This is what is confusing OP. You say he makes the decisions. But, actually you talk about what you both want. Ultimately he gets on with it but picks what you like anyway.

Isn't this just normal couple stuff, where you talk, agree and compromise?

I think it's horses for courses.

Would drive me POTTY. My parents were traditional, but my mum is very talented and bright and I got the impression she held herself back sometimes, different times really. Nowadays it's far more a matter of choice not expectation.

I used to try to be the domestic one when we first moved in together and it ended in rows (I would work, and try to have a perfect flat and cook from scratch. DH would get bored after work, not enough to do, and make mess).
During some health problems and very busy work times for me, when DH was under employed (he is self employed and was short of work), he started doing the house chores and I took the more 'breadwinner' logical role.
We found it worked much better! :)

In fact, he's apprehensive about my upcoming maternity leave: he would love to be the primary caregiver but sadly doesn't have the boobs for the first 6 months well he does, but they're purely beer based not milk
!

He has never said anything iv felt iv had to go against - yes I may think maybe not my choice ( as with piercing ) but I choose to let him lead . He has asked me what I think . Iv said I think they are old enough but understand he doesn't want it x

I think it sounds fab too, OP. As long as you're all happy, then do what works for your family! I always wanted to be a full-time mom; I'm happy taking care of all the domestic things and extremely grateful that DH is supportive of that and earns enough that I can spend my time doing exactly what I want to be doing. I LIKE our relaxed and simple life. I LIKE taking care of the house. I LIKE cooking and baking and cleaning and gardening. I LIKE having time to walk the dog and time for my running. I LIKE DIY. I LIKE that I can hang out with my husband and family in the evening instead of running errands or doing chores. I even like packing lunches and yes, I pack my husband a lunch on days when he doesn't have client meetings because it saves money and if I'm doing them for the children anyway, why wouldn't I make one for him too? It's thoughtful and it would be silly and petulant to not do so just to prove a point. I also enjoy reading and learning and chasing 'selfish thrills' and serendipitously, my occupation also allows me time for those things too! Who would've thought? . Most of all, I like that my daughter (and sons) know that they have choices when they have families of their own. Staying at home to look after your family does NOT mean that you are boring, thick or brain dead....saying that you would be 'bored senseless' staying at home is just silly. There's a billion and one stimulating, thrilling and amusing things to do in life and they don't all come from the work environment; take a course, volunteer, learn a language or an instrument, do a craft, raise money for charity, start a blog, research a subject that interests you, learn a new sport...I find that threads from happy SAHMs are always met with little negative digs from people who've made different choices. Ignore them...if you can afford the luxury of having a parent at home, you're supported by your spouse AND you enjoy it, then you are lucky indeed . Just enjoy .

I'm confused.

I still don't see where he is taking the lead.

OP is in charge of the finances. He sometimes chooses where to go on holiday but sometimes she chooses.

Yes it is nice to let him make the decisions. That's not to say we don't talk about what we both want - but ultimatly I let him get on with it - and tbf e normally picks what he knows would make me happy

This is what is confusing OP. You say he makes the decisions. But, actually you talk about what you both want. Ultimately he gets on with it but picks what you like anyway.

Isn't this just normal couple stuff, where you talk, agree and compromise?

I started the thread to see if anyone else had simular views / I didn't really want to have to explain it but understand what ur saying . He will often choose what I would like to do but if he says no as in the piercing that's the end of it ( unless of course he was suggesting something totally immoral as iv explained x

I think in practice I agree with fairenuff (although don't agree doing the budget equates to controlling the money when the money is paid into his private account) that the actual things you describe are sometimes normal couple negotiations and compromises but it's the mentality that you'll let him lead and in him that he wants to lead which worries me. I think it is an unnecessary risk to your relationship. Why couldn't you just say you are a normal couple who negotiate things and when one of you has a particularly strong feeling the other things is reasonable you defer to each other or is that not what actually happens?

Do you ever have the final say on things like ear piercing just because you have a strong view?

He has never said anything iv felt iv had to go against - yes I may think maybe not my choice ( as with piercing ) but I choose to let him lead . He has asked me what I think . Iv said I think they are old enough but understand he doesn't want it x

Are you saying that you wanted your dcs to have a piercing and he said he didn't want them to, so you agreed not to have it done?

If I've read that correctly, that is a normal discussion parents would have and, if one parent was against the idea, the children would be left unpierced (until they were old enough to take themselves off to get it done behind their parents' back ) and is not about one person 'taking the lead'.

He is working a extra day next week so I can go on a spa day with my gf for her bday

...be careful of this. A friend of mine had exactly this situation. And at first it seemed lovely. Then slowly, she realised that out of 'gratitude' and him having 'best interests' he had taken over her mind in a weird way: e.g. she opened her wardrobe, and because she felt a debt to him, she'd started wearing things he liked (she had different taste), because he paid for the food she loved to cook to see him smile their diet changed to 99% his favourites etc'. It was a drip-drip-drip thing. I don't think he realised he'd changed her or controlled her: and for many years she thought she was getting a great life.
She wasn't 'ordered' to do things, but it happened. Just that 'gratitude' for being 'looked after' and the D H took advantage.

She raised this and they tried to change, but it was too late. They are no longer together.

it's great that some old fashioned relationships are still there.
just make sure you have some hobbies, friends you see in the week so you being at home is not so depressing after a while.

Hi there - I do tend to cook all of his fav foods most of the time anyway , and like the previous lady said it would seem very silly not to do his pack up !
Oscar winning and round and round
I do feel I get some digs which is why I wanted to see if others were similar -so it's nice to hear from u as the meaning of the thread was sort of lost In having to explain my life style . I do find the digs irritating at times , and it does always seem to be from other woman . I can only imagine people's reaction if I wear to say u need to pay more attention to ur relationship !
I do have a lot of hubby's - which is lovely as I'm getting lots of time now - I feel a little guilty but think if I look after him we are all happy and benefiting from the situation x

Lol hobbies not hubby's - he make take issue at that !

I don't think OP is ever going to be able to explain how he 'takes the lead'.

I think in practice I agree with fairenuff (although don't agree doing the budget equates to controlling the money when the money is paid into his private account) that the actual things you describe are sometimes normal couple negotiations and compromises but it's the mentality that you'll let him lead and in him that he wants to lead which worries me. I think it is an unnecessary risk to your relationship. Why couldn't you just say you are a normal couple who negotiate things and when one of you has a particularly strong feeling the other things is reasonable you defer to each other or is that not what actually happens?
I guess we all have our view of our relationships - I understand others may have questions but I don't want or need our relationship to be fixed .in his eyes it's his job to look after me and our children . I take care of things at home . I don't tend to have as strong feelings as him on a lot of things . I'm quite happy for him to take the lead as iv said b4 . I think it's Daft he wants the girls to wait till they are 16 to have thier ears pierced , but he likes to look after us and it doesn't seem important enough to disagree with him . He knows I think it's a bit ott tho !

I don't think OP is ever going to be able to explain how he 'takes the lead'.
I'm
Not sure why u want me to explain it - ? As I said I started the thread to see if others felt the same - i have answered many questions as understand it may be different . Iv said many times that he normally makes the decisions - iv given examples - not sure what else u would like to know ?

I think in practice I agree with fairenuff (although don't agree doing the budget equates to controlling the money when the money is paid into his private account)

It has to be paid to him it's his wages ! I could arrange for a joint account but tbh i see it as compleatly pointless - I transfer the money in between accounts as and when needed