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Original poster

Please Read (Social Services)

364 replies

Rivah · 16/04/2014 20:25

Hello

(Sorry if I have posted this in the wrong category and sorry for the bad grammar, I am using my phone)

Feeling quiet alone right now and would appreciate some kind advice please.

I am a mother of 2 boys age 5&6 there father was recently remanded in custody,

I got a phone call from his aunt yesterday she told me that he wants the boys to go and stay with her until he gets out, because he “doesn’t trust me with them” he is only doing this out of spite because I stopped him from seeing the boys. (Due to him leaving them at places, and taking them to places where children shouldn’t be going to, and exposing other women to them)

I have told his aunt that I will not give them to her and that they are staying with me, now she has threatened to call social services.

I was admitted into hospital last year where I spent 6 weeks due to having an emotional breakdown during early stages of my breakdown I had the home treatment team come and visit me daily. There was a day (when it was decided I should go into hospital for a break) I was really low, my symptoms were (low mood, continuously crying, not eating) I wasn’t doing this in front of the boys. They said that they were concerned about the welfare of the boys and got in contact with social services who came and paid a visit, they had no concern about my living conditions, but they were concern about the boys staying with me whilst I was feeling the way I was.

So I called for their father’s aunt to come and get them (We were close at the time) she helped me a lot with my recovery which I am very grateful for.

Since my Boys father has been in custody my eldest is like another child (both of them are usually so well behaved) he has started being very aggressive, hitting me and his little brother, swearing, not listening etc.

Today I took the two of them out with a friend of mine I didn’t want to due to the way he has been behaving but it wouldn’t be fair on my 5 year old, he played up all day we all just choose to ignore him, until punched his little brother in the face in a shop knocking him to the floor, I couldn’t ignore that, I was so angry I slapped him I didn’t mean to slap him as hard as I did.

I am really worried now in case EX’s aunt calls social services and my son tells them that I hit him, me and her are not on good terms anymore and she can be very devious.

So could I please have some help with how to deal with my Sons behaviour he hasn’t stopped since we got in this evening, and he is just getting worst by the day.(Worried that I might have another break down) And please some help in how to deal with Social Services if they pay me a visit.
Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Offred · 18/04/2014 07:43

I'm glad to read that update and glad he's reaching out to you, that's really great. :)

It can be really disheartening when, having been lovely and loving they switch back to being awful though. You probably need to prepare for him doing that because it is one of the coping mechanisms he has learned - the acting out behaviour. I'm guessing you'll all be tired after being up in the night too which might make acting out more likely today.

Some people will judge but occasionally some people will help when ds is having a meltdown. I remember one awful time when dd had a terrible tantrum after school and although she finished at 3.30 we couldn't leave to go home until 5 and I had to call MIL to help with the other 3. Another mum from school stopped, tried to help and gave me a big cuddle, I was so grateful. The judgy people don't understand what's happening with your family, try to ignore them, it is likely they would not be able to cope with all this either.

Offred · 18/04/2014 07:45

Oh xpost. Let them in and don't run. You don't have to be afraid, really, I totally understand as I have a terrible irrational fear of SS too but you need to face it head on and see them as one way you can get some support.

You're not a bad mum for needing support, vast majority of people would not be able to cope with this situation.

FolkGirl · 18/04/2014 07:50

SS only get concerned when parents aren't meeting their children's needs. If you run, you are not meeting their needs. If you talk to SS you are showing them that you are open to receiving help.

They can't just walk in and take your children, they need to complete assessments, write reports, present them in court... all that takes time.

Unless they go for an Emergency Protection Order. Which they are not going to do unless they think you are not on board with protecting your children.

Do not run!

OvertiredandConfused · 18/04/2014 07:55

OP, please listen to the posters who have said that you should talk to SS. You can't hide for long and it will be so much worse. Be proactive with them, tell them everything you CAN do and ask if there is any support they can give you. If you run, they will find you - schools, doctors, hospitals etc - and then it will be so much worse.

It's clear that you adore your DC. SS don't want to split up families and they can provide help as others have said.

Original poster
Rivah · 18/04/2014 07:58

I am going. I am not staying here, I am getting our things together

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 18/04/2014 08:16

Then you are being very foolish.

I understand your fears and your concerns, but you are not prioritising your children's needs if you run. And that tends to worry SS.

FlankShaftMcWap · 18/04/2014 08:35

No, please don't do this. I have been where you are, I promise everything I say here is from direct experience. I had the most hideous accusations made about me and my DH to SS and I got through it. I was struggling, I was 6 months pregnant and dealing with a violent, school refusing child and my entire family had turned against me. I wasn't coping at all, but SS could see that it was with good reason! I needed support to do deal with the situation that someone else had caused.

I promise you that running is the worst thing you can do. I moved hundreds of miles away from my family to escape, but the first thing I did when I got there was contact the local SS and explain my situation as my family had promised to call them time and time again until I had lost my children. If you really feel the need to run, keep SS in the loop. Tell them why you are scared, tell them the damage these people are doing to your DS's state of mind, tell them you need help.

Please love, listen to everyone here. Stop, think and breathe. Thanks

LEMmingaround · 18/04/2014 09:03

please don't run - you will lose your boys if you do :( Social services can help you - you need to be seen to be co-oporating with them. Contact them and apologise for not answering the door, tell them you are scared, tell them your side of the story.

Nennypops · 18/04/2014 09:04

OP, please look now at the Child Protection Resource website - www.childprotectionresource.org.uk/ . It was set up by a number of MNers who really know what they're talking about and has a lot of excellent advice. People are right,running is just the worst thing you could do.

VelmaD · 18/04/2014 09:05

Do not run. You are giving them reasons to doubt you if you do. You are telling them.you have something to hide. Do not run. Talk to them like an adult parent who wants their children. Do not run. Where would you go?

DeriArms · 18/04/2014 09:06

Hi OP,
Have only just caught up with this thread. Sorry you are going through what you are going through and I am very glad you took the advice of earlier posters about having a loving chat with your son. It sounds like you are both in need of some support to get through this period of time as it's stressful, upsetting and frightening for you all and he needs you now more than ever.
If it's of any help at all, I am a children's SW. I am very sceptical that the ladies who came to your door at quarter to eight in the morning on a bank holiday are indeed from children's services as to be honest nobody will have even got to the office to process any referral made by your aunt. So it is really important now that you take a breath, stop panicking and get some breakfast in you and your kids. I can imagine right now that all sorts of thoughts are running through your head, please recognise that this happens when we are very stressed and worried. For god's sake don't go running off anywhere as I can promise you that will solve NOTHING.
If you are feeling harassed by your aunt, who is behaving in quite an inappropriate way by the sounds of what you describe, I agree with other posters that you could ring 101 to ask for advice. Also, if you are concerned about your stress and mental health, I would advise you to go to A&E over the weekend and request a mental health assessment. That way you could possible access some support from your local Crisis team. They would probably refer in to Children's Services to ensure that both you and your kids are getting the support you need.
Please feel free to PM me if you want to ask any questions and I will do my best to answer them.

FolkGirl · 18/04/2014 09:06

If you run and they have geniune concerns, they will alert other LAs anyway. Which means you won't be able to access healthcare or education and risk spending until they are 18 'on the run'. That's no way for you or them to live.

VelmaD · 18/04/2014 09:07

Rivah, you took on the advice about the cuddles, you can do this. Take the advice about ss please.

FolkGirl · 18/04/2014 09:07

And this is exactly why people advised you to phone the non emergency police last night. If you had, your aunt's harrassment would already be logged with them, so when she contacted SS, there would already have been a record of her behaviour.

FolkGirl · 18/04/2014 09:08

So please listen to the other advice you are being given now.

Vivacia · 18/04/2014 09:10

They were calling at your house at 7:30 on Good Friday?

VelmaD · 18/04/2014 09:13

Are you sure they weren't Jehovah witnesses? I sincerely doubt that social services would be knocking that early on good Friday unless it was an emergency order in which case there would be police.

Running now would be foolish regardless.

Joules68 · 18/04/2014 09:17

7.30 is early!

MorrisZapp · 18/04/2014 09:27

They weren't social workers. Most social workers will be on holiday today. The ones remaining in the office will not be dealing with phone messages as a matter of urgency as that isn't how they work at all.

Even if they were social workers, there's a huge raft of procedure to be followed before removing kids. They don't just turn up unannounced at the crack of dawn on a bank holiday on the basis of a phone message left overnight.

Original poster
Rivah · 18/04/2014 09:40

VelmaD now thinking about it they must have been Jehovah's Witnesses I've had them knock early before. I just panicked as she said she'd called them. DS1 has woken in a bad mood and is repeating his bad behaviour.

OP posts:
GiddyUpCowboy · 18/04/2014 09:41

Those two Women were stooges from your dc's aunt designed to scare you.

Phone 101 and speak to them about her harassment and upsetting you and the children.

I am glad you managed to sort things out with your DS. Him cuddling his DB shows it works OP. You model good behaviour and he will follow.

BalloonSlayer · 18/04/2014 09:42

If they come back call the police!

GiddyUpCowboy · 18/04/2014 09:42

Rivah, he is testing you, he will probably keep it up all day.

Try, I love you DS1, I don't like this behaviour.

Try lots of distraction, go out and do something nice, where he can't shame you all.

Original poster
Rivah · 18/04/2014 09:46

Giddy I will break down if he keeps up with the bad behaviour today the morning started with him pouring just over his brothers toast, DS2 doesn't deserve this

OP posts:
GiddyUpCowboy · 18/04/2014 09:52

No you won't break down, you will probably go off and have a cry and then carry on.

You have to keep the children safe.

To get through this, lots of I love you both, lots of I don't like that behaviour and distract the hell out of them.

It will be a hard day, you can do it.

Where can you take them to distract them, that will be safe and won't be too shameful when he starts misbehaving.