Please Read (Social Services)

[Rivah]

Hello

(Sorry if I have posted this in the wrong category and sorry for the bad grammar, I am using my phone)

Feeling quiet alone right now and would appreciate some kind advice please.

I am a mother of 2 boys age 5&6 there father was recently remanded in custody,

I got a phone call from his aunt yesterday she told me that he wants the boys to go and stay with her until he gets out, because he “doesn’t trust me with them” he is only doing this out of spite because I stopped him from seeing the boys. (Due to him leaving them at places, and taking them to places where children shouldn’t be going to, and exposing other women to them)

I have told his aunt that I will not give them to her and that they are staying with me, now she has threatened to call social services.

I was admitted into hospital last year where I spent 6 weeks due to having an emotional breakdown during early stages of my breakdown I had the home treatment team come and visit me daily. There was a day (when it was decided I should go into hospital for a break) I was really low, my symptoms were (low mood, continuously crying, not eating) I wasn’t doing this in front of the boys. They said that they were concerned about the welfare of the boys and got in contact with social services who came and paid a visit, they had no concern about my living conditions, but they were concern about the boys staying with me whilst I was feeling the way I was.

So I called for their father’s aunt to come and get them (We were close at the time) she helped me a lot with my recovery which I am very grateful for.

Since my Boys father has been in custody my eldest is like another child (both of them are usually so well behaved) he has started being very aggressive, hitting me and his little brother, swearing, not listening etc.

Today I took the two of them out with a friend of mine I didn’t want to due to the way he has been behaving but it wouldn’t be fair on my 5 year old, he played up all day we all just choose to ignore him, until punched his little brother in the face in a shop knocking him to the floor, I couldn’t ignore that, I was so angry I slapped him I didn’t mean to slap him as hard as I did.

I am really worried now in case EX’s aunt calls social services and my son tells them that I hit him, me and her are not on good terms anymore and she can be very devious.

So could I please have some help with how to deal with my Sons behaviour he hasn’t stopped since we got in this evening, and he is just getting worst by the day.(Worried that I might have another break down) And please some help in how to deal with Social Services if they pay me a visit.
Thanks for reading

Your child does not need more pain. He does not need to know how it feels to be hit he needs some support with channelling his feelings more productively.

What he's doing is taking his feelings out on someone smaller and weaker. How you are responding will make this worse, he will see you favouring ds2, hating him and using your size and power to hurt him and thinking this is ok.

You are not helping him with his feelings (which are the cause of the acting out) and you are teaching him that the correct way to behave when you are angry is to hit someone smaller. Can you really not see that?

The way you describe your childhood it seems you maybe never learned the lessons he needs to either. Sounds like you learned to bottle up pain until you explode. That's all he is doing, the feelings have to come out somewhere and if he can't/won't talk then they will come out as aggression. You are blaming him, but it isn't his fault, you need some support with parenting. When you blame him and hurt him you just increase his pain and reduce the likelihood he will learn a more productive way to deal with it resulting in even worse behaviour IMO.

My dd had a time of behaving like this relating to daddy issues (xp never been interested in her, treats ds as favourite and has been unreliable and emotionally abusive) and difficulty integrating with school, I understand how hard it is to deal with but you need to be more proactive and instead of blaming ds1 you need to take responsibility and control IMO/E. Your local women's aid may well provide a support worker who will go to his school and give him some therapy. You could investigate this as well as anything the GP could refer to, that's what I did, thought it was more appropriate as it was specialist for the problem she had.

It was really important to dd to know that I love her even when she is angry and hates me and that I understood she was just acting out because she had feelings which were stuck inside. Also that she is normal and that being a child always involves learning how to manage your temper productively and that how she was reacting to sad things was a normal way to react but that she needed to understand it posed a risk to the other dc in the house and she needed to channel the reaction in a different way. We did feeling pictures when she had something bad stuck inside, the idea being she gets angry, she does pictures of her feelings until she is calm because she felt unable to talk about the feelings and would just explode with rage at times.

Auntie showed up just after I posted my last message. I locked the door with the key. I told her to go away and that she is not taking the boys. DS1 was saying he wants to go with her and trying to fight me, which led to him ripping my t-shirt off me. I could hear her saying "The boy doesn't want to stay with you, give me my nephew" I told her that if she doesn't go away I will call the police, she left not before saying "I am going to make sure the boys are taken off you" DS1 then went into the kitchen and smashed all the glasses (by throwing them at the wall) that I washed up and forgot to put away, I just stood and watched him. He has now gone upstairs. I am crying as I write this I need professional help as I am feeling the same way I did the day I had to go into hospital.

I'm sorry OP, that's a bag of shite.

Firstly, I am sorry you are going through this.

I haven't read all the thread so apologies if this has already been posted.

This is a good pamphlet to help you understand how children may feel/react.

www.prisonersfamilies.org.uk/uploadedFiles/2010_Publications_And_Resources/The_Outsiders_Telling_the_children.pdf

With regard to the Aunt, I would phone the police and also take the advice previously given about forestalling any possible reports to social service by visiting GP and getting any help offered.

You need to be strong and take control of the situation now.

call the police and tell them aunt/sister of your partner in prison has come to your home and was banging your door. Tell them that she has threatened to ensure you lose the kids and to take them away from you. Tell them thd children are already extremely confused by tge situation with their father and her turning up making threats has unsettled them further.

Then call the GP and SS to request their support and advice. You need to pick yourself off the floor and take action. YOUR CHILDREN NEED YOU.

Your six year old ripped your tshirt off you and then smashed all the glasses in the kitchen? I think maybe you need to speak to the GP about him tbh, my ASD son at nearly eight and the size of a ten year old wouldn't even do this - you need either a paed appointment or counselling for that poor child.

You do need help, OP.

Do you have a CAF or anything in place? You can ask for one when you go to the drs if you think it will help. From what you've said so far, I suspect you would meet the criteria.

Do you have access to a Children's Centre?

You have said a few concerning things that are going to get in the way of you making things better for your children on your own.

You and your children deserve better than you currently have. If you approach the professionals yourself and start to put things in place, your son's aunt will be completely powerless.

Good luck. x

OP is there anyone you can call to come 'round? If your son managed to take some clothing off you, I think you must really be out of energy and will power and really, really need some back-up.

Please please please do not beat yourself up here.

You are in a horrible stressful situation which would push anybody to the limit. Your DS is as well, except he is 6 so his capacity for dealing with it is much less than yours. It's additionally difficult for you, because at 6 they are usually strong enough to cause some serious damage/be difficult to contain but little enough not to have the control, especially when he is feeling so out of control himself.

Shame it's Easter holidays - you'll probably be able to access the most support through school but you could try the GP first. He needs counselling to help him deal with the enormous stress which is happening in his life (ask for referral to CAMHS) and if you ask about parenting courses, you may be able to access some tools to help get through to him. In the meantime, there's an excellent book called "The Explosive Child" which is about children who tend to react even worse and escalate when they get a punishment which makes it very hard to discipline them using normal methods. In this case it's possibly his current state of mind which is making him "explosive" rather than his personality in general, but I still think you might find it helpful.

You don't need the stress of the aunt - call 101 and report her for harassment. She's upsetting the children which is making things harder for you, you will never get them settled if she keeps coming over and saying "Hey, come to my house, it will be fun all the time!" Just because a 6 year old says they want to go somewhere, it doesn't mean they mean it - what they need the most is someone secure who loves them and that is you.

What a horrible situation. It is clearly escalating but IMO it is because you are not stepping up and taking control. I appreciate it must be difficult because of your past MH issues but others explained that you needed to call the police earlier to prevent the aunt coming and upsetting the dc.

It is entirely unsurprising that ds1 reacted how he did IMO, he will be a very conflicted little boy. Where is he now? Do you feel you can go to him and cuddle him? Do you feel he would be receptive to some loving reaching out if you felt able to do that? Can you give the Samaritans a ring for a talk?

Oh good idea FolkGirl - yes a CAF would be a great move. Children's centres won't help if the child is over 5 as they are not funded for it.

Velma DS1 is tiny both my boys are, but he is very strong. FolkGirl I am going to call the doctors on Friday. Vivacia I haven't got anyone who can come round, I am not going to contact the police today because if they come here and see the state I am in they will call social services. Offred he is upstairs I am not going to go upstairs and cuddle him after the way he has just behaved. It is getting late I need to get the both of them ready for bed, DS1 is refusing food and DS2 is copying.

They must be tired after being up so long past their bedtime, in fact I imagine all three of you are exhausted. Will both boys get a cuddle once they're tucked up in bed?

Tomorrow's another day, and all that. I think being scared of Social Services is unwise. Are they not somebody you can ring for help in the morning? There has been repeated advice for you to take the initiative and get in touch with them, before they get in touch with you.

Pls cuddle your child. He is not naughty, he is upset and totally confused! You need to show them as much affection and attention as possible right now. Please cuddle them and tell them you live them.

I suggest you do contact the police, even just on 101 so its on record. That way if the aunt tries anything underhand or makes stuff up to SS, you have something to back up the threats she has made this evening.

If only I could come round and do this all for you, but you need to take control and start doing what you need to.

Love them *

Please go upstairs and cuddle your son, he is screaming out for your attention, cuddle them both and take the excellent advice that other posters have offered.

If you're intent on refusing to show love to him and on blaming him for your inability to cope things are only going to get worse. You need to separate the way you feel about how he is behaving from the way you feel about him. It is understandable that you might not be able to get a grip on this straight away after something as awful as what he just did but you seem to feel it is ok to hate and punish him and he is pushing you and ds2 further and further away as a consequence. You are the one who has the power to change this situation, he does not. He's just subject to whatever you decide to do. You've got several avenues of support available - SS, the school nurse, the GP, women's aid and your local CAF. You can try them all. Check with children's centres too because some have widened their remit to older ages by combining funding under council cuts.

I have given DS2 a bath (he is covered him new bruises from today) and settled him for bed, I am going to let him sleep in my bed with me, to prevent DS1 attacking him. Vivacia both of my sons usually get a story and cuddles before bed. DS1 will not be getting neither he needs to learn that he can't behave the way he has today and I will still be nice to him. Dementedhousewife he has had enough of my attention today and embarrassed me in public.

Please cuddle your son. He is six. He is not a bad child. He is affected by his life. Cuddle him, love him, reassure him. The anger that poor boy must be feeling, the hurt and being unloved. Don't let him cry himself to sleep alone please. Go and lay with your children and make them feel safe.

If you can't show your child this love and care, then maybe you do need ss involvement to help teach you how. They aren't there to take children away, but to support families. And maybe right now your family needs that.

Take away the stories yes, but not the love. Your son needs to feel loved. You can despise his behaviour but as his mother you need to show him love. Its being a parent.

He's six. He doesn't understand what embarrasing you in public is. By denying him that love and favouring his brother are you not seeing that you are creating a vicious circle here??

I agree with PP, please don't let him go to sleep thinking he's horrible and unloved.

Please put yourself in his shoes. You are hardening his heart. Every time you punish him by removing love from him and putting all your love into ds2 you are virtually guaranteeing he will attack his brother and act out with you.

Why can you not love him? Is there more going on here?

What you are doing is not a good parenting tactic, you are the one creating the behaviour here not him and so I wonder if there is more to it than just his behaviour.

oh gosh, you poor woman - what a dificult situation you are in - if i were you i would approach social services and ask for help. Do not be bullied by their aunt - tell her to do one and tell social services about the situation - the next time she threatens you with them you can tell her you have already called them. You sound like you need some help with your DS's behaviour - he is reacting to his dad beng in prison etc, it must be really difficult.

I do agree with those who say you shouldnt withhold afection at bedtime - let it be now, you'll only make him resent his brother more if you punish him further. Tomorrow is a new day - maybe ask SS about parenting classes, you will get some really useful hints on how to deal with his behaviour.

Offred I love him, I love my boys equally I don't see this as removing love he has fallen asleep.

Rivah why do you think so many of us are asking you not to let him fall asleep unforgiven and uncomforted? He's 6 years old for goodness' sake.