Please Read (Social Services)

[Rivah]

Hello

(Sorry if I have posted this in the wrong category and sorry for the bad grammar, I am using my phone)

Feeling quiet alone right now and would appreciate some kind advice please.

I am a mother of 2 boys age 5&6 there father was recently remanded in custody,

I got a phone call from his aunt yesterday she told me that he wants the boys to go and stay with her until he gets out, because he “doesn’t trust me with them” he is only doing this out of spite because I stopped him from seeing the boys. (Due to him leaving them at places, and taking them to places where children shouldn’t be going to, and exposing other women to them)

I have told his aunt that I will not give them to her and that they are staying with me, now she has threatened to call social services.

I was admitted into hospital last year where I spent 6 weeks due to having an emotional breakdown during early stages of my breakdown I had the home treatment team come and visit me daily. There was a day (when it was decided I should go into hospital for a break) I was really low, my symptoms were (low mood, continuously crying, not eating) I wasn’t doing this in front of the boys. They said that they were concerned about the welfare of the boys and got in contact with social services who came and paid a visit, they had no concern about my living conditions, but they were concern about the boys staying with me whilst I was feeling the way I was.

So I called for their father’s aunt to come and get them (We were close at the time) she helped me a lot with my recovery which I am very grateful for.

Since my Boys father has been in custody my eldest is like another child (both of them are usually so well behaved) he has started being very aggressive, hitting me and his little brother, swearing, not listening etc.

Today I took the two of them out with a friend of mine I didn’t want to due to the way he has been behaving but it wouldn’t be fair on my 5 year old, he played up all day we all just choose to ignore him, until punched his little brother in the face in a shop knocking him to the floor, I couldn’t ignore that, I was so angry I slapped him I didn’t mean to slap him as hard as I did.

I am really worried now in case EX’s aunt calls social services and my son tells them that I hit him, me and her are not on good terms anymore and she can be very devious.

So could I please have some help with how to deal with my Sons behaviour he hasn’t stopped since we got in this evening, and he is just getting worst by the day.(Worried that I might have another break down) And please some help in how to deal with Social Services if they pay me a visit.
Thanks for reading

Rivah, I think you have emotional problems far greater than just this. I think this is the tip of an iceburg. You cannot see that by letting your son go to bed angry and crying and without a kiss, cuddle and love from his mum is wrong. Its removing love. Its emotional abuse in as much as his hitting his brother is physical. You are the parent, and you need help.

Please ring your gp asap. And again, I would advise you look into a caf meeting or similar with social services involvement. You and your children need help, especially if you refuse to admit this is wrong.

I'm sure you do love him but he is obviously going to be worried, after everything that has happened, that you don't really love him (children always think everything is about them - your illness, his dad going to prison) and he is partly testing this theory and partly acting out his feelings. He won't know you love him unless you show him love and he won't know you love him no matter what and are not going to leave him unless you prove it to him. His world has been shaken up. He'd rather have the certainty, control and power of rejecting/antagonising you than finding out you don't love him and/or are leaving, which is what he fears.

That's what I believe is going on anyway.

There's not much you can do over this weekend anyway I suppose but you really do need to get support with this, it's not weakness that it is strength, we all need help with things we can't manage and this is undeniably tough. You've got to break this cycle, his behaviour is unacceptable but it can be sorted out, it might take time and investment but with support I'm sure you can do it.

I have just received a call from Auntie (she called off an unknown number) she has said that she has called social services and that they will be coming soon, I don't know what she has called told them, she might not be telling the truth but I can not risk it so first thing in the morning I am taking the boys and leaving, Social Services are not taking them away from me

Rivah, running away is not the answer. Then they will be concerned more for your welfare. You need to be honest with them and ask for help. The first step is not to permentantly remove your children. But you all three need help. Running away may just trigger a worse scenario. Please just stay and try and create some stability for your two young children.

That would be a silly plan. It will make the services suspicious and you won't be able to register for school/dental/health stuff without freaking out.

SS are not something to be scared of.

If you need help and support they will help and support you, they only take children if you are seriously and irredeemably failing to look after them.

Aunt can say what she likes about taking the children but unless you are harming or neglecting them she has no say in what happens and even then the dc would go into care and she'd have to be assessed as suitable to care for them before they'd go there.

Offred speaks a lot of sense.

Rivah I work with families in difficult cicumstances, refer families for CAFs and go to the meetings. I agree with the Velma that you appear to have problems that are greater than just this immediate situation. From what you have said, you are currently failing to recognise your children's needs, let alone meet them.

If you are worried about the aunt making a referral to SS then you need to be proactive. I definitely think a CAF could be the way to go. Do you know what they are?

If a CAF is in place and meetings are happening, SS won't be interested, unless they have reason to suspect that a child is in immediate danger when they would have to apply for a court order that would override anything a CAF had put in place anyway.

What's happening in your family, based on what you've said, is you're struggling to cope with a difficult situation, this can be fixed with support so why on earth would they want to take your children?

Ok. Big X post.

If what the aunt says is true, you need to be a grown up and deal with this.

Don't run away.

He's only 6 His father is in prison, he's seen his Aunt and his mum have a row, he's obviously not coping and you won't give him a cuddle? I appreciate that you are having a rough time but he is SIX years old. He's just a little boy who is frightened. Maybe he should stay with his aunt if you are so emotionally detached from him. I think that SS involvement is a good thing because you obviously need help. There is no shame in needing help.

I am just scared I am very fragile at the moment I don't want social services to pick up on the fact I can't cope, because right now I am struggling. InspirationFailed I have explained why I didn't cuddle him today but I will tomorrow, and I am not letting him stay with his aunt because I will not get him back. Yes I do need help I can face up to the fact I do. I am 25 and not getting no support what so ever in how to cope

He absolutely would not be better off with someone who comes round threatening a vulnerable mother and her young children

OP I know it seems obvious when said like this but to get support you need to admit you need support.

With holding love should never be a punishment.

I feel for you I really do, but please give him a cuddle.

I've had some terrible times with my DS, he's now 8. I've been kicked, punched, spat on, he's had a knife out to me and told the happiest day of his life will be the day I die but there has not been a night of his life when we haven't had cuddles before bed. He's under cahms and paeds and we had a caf last year too. With support and counselling he's like a different child, it will get better with help but please just show him some affection.

You do need to see and accept that the slapping incident and withdrawing affection this evening isn't the way to handle this situation though. It's done now but what people are worrying about and what ss would worry about too is your inability to see that doing that isn't the way to handle the situation, we've all done stuff like this but we usually can see when we're it of order and need to make it up to our children. That's not to say what he did was not awful and scary, it was and you're struggling with the same things he is and feeling fragile... But it does come back to support, you need support for you so you can be there for him and he needs some support in dealing with what's happening and no doubt ds2 will too - it may not be as obvious because he's been put in the golden child role by ds1 acting out but you'll all need support just now I would have thought.

If you don't trust SS, is there an org you do trust? What about women's aid?

Rivah, I understand what you are going through to an extent, I have had meddling relatives, breakdowns and single parented - my son can be incredibly soul destroyingly hard work

however - they are small children. small children. little little boys. they need you desperately, now more than ever, to be a comfort, a presence, a rock that they can trust.

Running away would be the surefire way to have them taken off of you - you are young and you have awareness, you've been through tough times but for that to have such a ripple on the future? no. you are tough, strong and wise to be posting about this and still standing day after day.

in your position, I would make a GP appointment urgently. I would go along and ask for a referral to a family psychologist/ support centre asap, explaining that there has been disruption to your home life, you have no family support, and it has adversely affected your boys' behaviour and is having a knockon effect on your ability to cope. Go - be open, honest and ask for help, set a plan in place - then how can anyone criticise you as a parent?

my son has outbursts at me,and I had to tell him off tonight as he was punching me in the street for not getting him sweets, causing a huge scene and refusing to walk 30 yards - I held firm, without losing control though. he cried and I did let him cry .. then he stormed into his room saying he hated me screaming how much he never wants to see me again and is not my friend.
I left him for 4 minutes, then went in and sat on his bed and spoke to him very simply and calmly about why I had been cross, and how it made me feel sad that he had lost it, and I was sad that I had told him off because I don't like having to do that.
then I asked to be his friend/ on his superhero team, and we had a big hug. telling off, explanation and hug - all done in less than 10 minutes

remember children learn what they live/ vice versa - they are young and it's not too late at all to make a change , it's your role as mum to try I think

One book that was recommended to me is 123 magic - I think you would find its approach helpful if you stick to it rigidly

you may also benefit from speaking to GP about your own matters, but I would think make sure to clearly clearly request assistance for your children in terms of psychological input as a separate issue of highest importance

aunt is harassing you - keep the note she left

if you make arrangements for your DSs to be supported through this difficult time, you are doing what is right in providing an appropriate aware supportive environment

previous mental health issues are not relevant on your part unless it actually does still seriously inhibit your coping day to day in which case you need support yourself

your DS1 would miraculously change I think if you reconnected to him, interact and love him and show him in ways he understands that you love him. I guess you are disengaging with it all and exhausted and angry and resentful at this life and at his behaviour. he will pick up on that in an instant. support is out there, GP should be able to refer urgently to psychologist, poss psychiatrist and ?family therapy

Running away would be a massive mistake. If you had asked the one best way to get your children taken off you... We would have answered 'refusing help and running away.

Please please see that you are not thinking straight and you are heading straight for a really bad situation.

Can you take on some / any of the advice people are giving you? It must be so hard to listen when you're so distressed, but things can get better, and people can help.

You need to ask for help. Quickly. Please stop delaying. You could have already got help today, bit now it's a bank holiday tomorrow and Monday so I'm not quite sure how you'd access help - others may know.

You need to reach out to your son - did you read on here lots of posts about how your son must be feeling right now? Punishments and withholding love and reassurance is adding to the bad situation. It won't help you. It won't help him.

I kind of feel like you're blaming him for alot of things, and have lost sight of the fact that he's a child. A little, vulnerable, scared, insecure child. I know he's making your life more difficult and you are at breaking point, but honestly, punishing him will make it worse for him and yourself.

When your boys wake up tomorrow give them both a cuddle tell them how much you love them and then you and your eldest need to have a chat. I have a 6 year old dd and if she behaved like your DS I would sit down and be really calm and just talk. He obviously isn't having a great time at the moment and may need to just let his feelings out. Let him scream and shout but just be there for him and comfort him. I know you must have been angry when you hit him but you are an adult and you know it's wrong he is just a 6 year old child. Please don't hit him again.

And it's ok to tell your son that you are scared too (although you don't need to go into details and absolutely do NOT make any reference to SS or SWs taking him away if he's naughty... I know a lot of parents use this as a threat - it's horrendous.)

You could go somewhere, e.g. the park, with him and run around and scream to let it all out. It does help, you can fall about laughing afterwards. He isn't bad, or a monster, he's just a sad, scared little boy who needs to know that the world isn't as bad and scarey a place as it looks right now.

Hi Morning

DS1 came into my bedroom in the middle of the night, saying he is scared. We went downstairs to the living room, I hugged him and told him I am sorry that I hit him and that it was very wrong of me. I also told him how much I loved him, he said he loved me too. We watched some cartoons together then I read to him, he said he was tired and wanted to go to sleep next to his brother he fell asleep cuddling him. Thanks for the great advice I can't thank you all enough!

Rival, I've just read this thread. Well done on saying sorry to ds1 and cuddling him. He is probably trying to get your attention and be close to you when the world around him seems pretty scary.

We have a very difficult dd2. Eventually we referred ourselves to the tier 2 cahms team where we are getting weekly support from a psycologist. The world around us thinks we are not controlling our dds properly, but in actual fact we have 3 generally well-behaved dds and one that struggles. Violence, ripping up books, writing terrible things about her friends when she thinks they are 'offside'. We referred via the gp. As someone above said, get ahead of the game, seek their support before they come to you.

I had a terrible upbringing and really had no parenting skills (though I am a lot older than you, none of it is common sense). I think you'd really benefit from some parenting support and I've been surprised at how easily it is available.

I wish you the very best. With dd2 I can sometimes 'get through' to her as you have done above when she is alone, bad dreams etc. as the gets older (she is almost 6) I am getting more opportunity to give her a cuddle and tell her I love her, without her hitting me or running away.

And when I lose my cool with her and shout, rather than ignore her behaviour (I can't always manage her behaviour), I do always apologise to her.

That's so good to read Rivah. I bet you feel better for it, too

Use this as your impetus to get the support you all need now, but hopefully, in the short term, you've been reminded of how this can/should/will be.

Take care and I hope today is a good one for you all.

:) The little boy needs cuddles.

There has just been a knock on my door, from what I could make out through the slit of my blinds, it was two women one was carrying what looked like a folder. I know they are from Social Services I didn't open the door. Once the boys are awake I am going to get them ready and we are going, because I know Social Services will be back! I can't believe Auntie has done this to me