Please Read (Social Services)

[Rivah]

Hello

(Sorry if I have posted this in the wrong category and sorry for the bad grammar, I am using my phone)

Feeling quiet alone right now and would appreciate some kind advice please.

I am a mother of 2 boys age 5&6 there father was recently remanded in custody,

I got a phone call from his aunt yesterday she told me that he wants the boys to go and stay with her until he gets out, because he “doesn’t trust me with them” he is only doing this out of spite because I stopped him from seeing the boys. (Due to him leaving them at places, and taking them to places where children shouldn’t be going to, and exposing other women to them)

I have told his aunt that I will not give them to her and that they are staying with me, now she has threatened to call social services.

I was admitted into hospital last year where I spent 6 weeks due to having an emotional breakdown during early stages of my breakdown I had the home treatment team come and visit me daily. There was a day (when it was decided I should go into hospital for a break) I was really low, my symptoms were (low mood, continuously crying, not eating) I wasn’t doing this in front of the boys. They said that they were concerned about the welfare of the boys and got in contact with social services who came and paid a visit, they had no concern about my living conditions, but they were concern about the boys staying with me whilst I was feeling the way I was.

So I called for their father’s aunt to come and get them (We were close at the time) she helped me a lot with my recovery which I am very grateful for.

Since my Boys father has been in custody my eldest is like another child (both of them are usually so well behaved) he has started being very aggressive, hitting me and his little brother, swearing, not listening etc.

Today I took the two of them out with a friend of mine I didn’t want to due to the way he has been behaving but it wouldn’t be fair on my 5 year old, he played up all day we all just choose to ignore him, until punched his little brother in the face in a shop knocking him to the floor, I couldn’t ignore that, I was so angry I slapped him I didn’t mean to slap him as hard as I did.

I am really worried now in case EX’s aunt calls social services and my son tells them that I hit him, me and her are not on good terms anymore and she can be very devious.

So could I please have some help with how to deal with my Sons behaviour he hasn’t stopped since we got in this evening, and he is just getting worst by the day.(Worried that I might have another break down) And please some help in how to deal with Social Services if they pay me a visit.
Thanks for reading

Oh rivah... You need to get a referal to cahms for yr dc, and some support for you too. Counselling, perhaps?

Hi Rivah, glad you came back.

Glad to hear social services are offering support - that's a good start. Well done for getting that far. Please talk to them about how you're feeling - it might kick start some proper support for you.

Have you ever had support for self harming? Can you ring anyone else for support?

Some other resources for you that might be able to give you some support:

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx

www.offendersfamilieshelpline.org/

How are your boys? Really hope you and they are ok.

Rivah I'm just looking at the offenders family helpline - they have some good downloads, one here for supporting children:

www.offendersfamilieshelpline.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Supporting-a-child-with-a-close-relative-in-prison.pdf

I know your struggling with you own feelings right now, but maybe they can help with some advice for how to handle really difficult conversations with your dc. None of it's easy and it might help a bit.

The boys have been speaking to dad on the phone.

That's good for them I hope. How have they been finding it? And you?

It is upsetting them even more, when they come off the phone to him they both cry. He is demanding I take them to vist!

It's a really hard situation for you and them. It sounds like you need to get good advice on the way forward. It's good that you're opening up about how difficult things are.

You say your eldest got excluded from school - I wonder what's going on for him there. It's really tough on children, other children can be really mean - do you know if he is being bullied?

Have you been able to look at the Offenders Family Helpline website? I know it's really hard sometimes to wade through pages of writing, but this is what is says about children who might be bullied:

Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to stop other people from knowing about your situation, especially if it has been reported in the press. This may mean that other people say or do things that upset you or your child. It is important that your child knows that they have people to turn to for support, reassurance and comfort. This can include you, their teacher and other close relatives or trusted friends. If you need someone to talk to, please call us on 0808 808 2003.

They're there to support you as much as the boys. I really hope you can find someone you can let know what's going on. I know it's really scary, but keep trying, there will be someone out there who understands what you are going through and dealing with, and can help.

rivah that's really great advice from hoopy.

My daughter suffers from anxiety, she is 5. We see a child psycologist every week to help us it's her. It is slow going, but having the professional support makes me feel a lot better when we are dealing with her terrible behaviour day in, day out.

You really do need support also rivah, to help you, and to be able to help your boys properly.... My gp was the one to refer me.

HoopyViper

My son got excluded from school.. Why are you suggesting that he is being bullied? Why would you come out with something like that? Both my boys know how to stick up for themselves and they would never let anyone take advantage.

People like you really upset me, always jumping to conclusions and coming with the most silliest thoughts, go to hell!!!!!

You need to calm down, Hoopys advice was good and worth thinking about.

Rivah, Hoopy was trying to help. Why on earth would you think the suggestion your child was being bullied was some sort of insult? Even boys who "can stick up for themselves" can get bullied, bullying isn't always physical, and it's never the victim's fault.

Well my son is not getting bullied, he is liked by his peers and has plenty if friends.

Rival, stop. There was no insult there. You are being offensive. You will get and indeed are getting such good advice here.

Oh rivah, hoopy is definately supporting you...

If ds is excluded, I would jump to the conclusion that he has done something wrong (that may or may not be the case). A reasonable assumption may be that he was responding to bullying.

My own father was often arrested, only locked up overnight, not incarcerated (to my knowledge). There was one sexually-related offence, not too sure of the details (and frankly I don't want to know). This has caused me trauma as a kid. Your ds's have definately experienced a traumatic event, as have you. Everyone here is supporting and trying to encourage you to get the help you need. Frankly, I think your dcs should be automatically given the support, it's a shame that you have to find it for yourself.

Everyone here is on your side... (((Xxx))))

You should have asked me what he did and not jumped to conclusions and think it was down to bullying. I wont be replying anyone, it seems like all people do on here is assume and jump to conclusions!!!

Well, I think (speaking for me) that people might be respecting your right to privacy, Rivah... That's why no one has asked. If you wanted to tell us, I do assume you would have mentioned it when you said he was excluded. You didn't mention it, hence I respected your privacy and why I would have assumed.

You need support, your children need support.... I wish you all very very best, and that is sincerely meant. Having grown up in a seriously fucked up, violent family; I have seen the long-term effects of a traumatic childhood. I'm not saying that your children have had a traumatic childhood like mine, but you cannot doubt that they have experienced some form of trauma. Gp would be my first port of call....

Rivah, I'm guessing you have a different mindset to many of the posters on this thread.
The bullying suggestion was mentioned probably as a possibility for your child's disruptive behaviour which may have lead to the exclusion.
For example, your child may have lashed out at another in response to taunting or something similar regarding his father being in prison.
Any child can be bullied, it is not about whether a child is popular or well liked. Almost all posters here would not have considered the popularity of your ds I'm sure.
Do people around you consider that only weak, unpopular children get bullied? Because here that's not what people think.
To me this shows that you really need a lot of parenting support, you have a lot on your plate and deserve help.

As someone who spends about half their time with bullied students, students who have bullied and their parents/carers, this concerns me:
Both my boys know how to stick up for themselves and they would never let anyone take advantage.
That isn't how bullying works. It's not a cartoon where a bigger kid hits a littler kid, or a situation where if they know how to push or hit back they'll get left alone.
In fact many bullies are experts at getting their victims wound up and 'defending' themselves so they get caught swearing/fighting. That was the nasty thing they had planned all the time.
On the other hand, some of the parents of students who bully have told me their child is "just sticking up for themselves" and cannot see when it's not that, it's that the child is angry and taking it out on others.

I second everything Galvinised just said.

How long has he been excluded for rivah? When's your return interview? Have you made the school aware of issues and asked for a TAC (team around the child) meeting?

How long has he been excluded for rivah? When's your return interview? Have you made the school aware of issues and asked for a TAC (team around the child) meeting?

Rivah I really did not mean to upset you or assume anything, it was as Galvanised and others have said. My own brother was "different" for his own reasons, and he was bullied at school because of it. I wouldn't judge or think badly about any child who was bullied - some kids can just be horrid and pick out victims just because they are different in some way.

I can understand a child lashing out in these circumstances and wondered if that was what was happening, that's all. If it's not, that's good.

Hoopy

There you go again assuming that my son is "different" there is nothing wrong with my son, he has no learning difficulties and he isn't disabled in anyway. He is just missing his dad. I don't know why you would think MY son is "different" like your brother, he is MY son not YOUR brother. I have never indicated that my son is different. I hope you feel better now!!

There you go again assuming that my son is "different" there is nothing wrong with my son, he has no learning difficulties and he isn't disabled in anyway. He is just missing his dad. I don't know why you would think MY son is "different"

He is different. He can't see his dad. He can't see his aunt. He is sad and angry.You are sad and angry. His peers will pick up on this, and it is a difference.

Having a dad in prison does mark him out as different. It's extraordinary that you can't empathise with your son and see that.