Please Read (Social Services)

[Rivah]

Hello

(Sorry if I have posted this in the wrong category and sorry for the bad grammar, I am using my phone)

Feeling quiet alone right now and would appreciate some kind advice please.

I am a mother of 2 boys age 5&6 there father was recently remanded in custody,

I got a phone call from his aunt yesterday she told me that he wants the boys to go and stay with her until he gets out, because he “doesn’t trust me with them” he is only doing this out of spite because I stopped him from seeing the boys. (Due to him leaving them at places, and taking them to places where children shouldn’t be going to, and exposing other women to them)

I have told his aunt that I will not give them to her and that they are staying with me, now she has threatened to call social services.

I was admitted into hospital last year where I spent 6 weeks due to having an emotional breakdown during early stages of my breakdown I had the home treatment team come and visit me daily. There was a day (when it was decided I should go into hospital for a break) I was really low, my symptoms were (low mood, continuously crying, not eating) I wasn’t doing this in front of the boys. They said that they were concerned about the welfare of the boys and got in contact with social services who came and paid a visit, they had no concern about my living conditions, but they were concern about the boys staying with me whilst I was feeling the way I was.

So I called for their father’s aunt to come and get them (We were close at the time) she helped me a lot with my recovery which I am very grateful for.

Since my Boys father has been in custody my eldest is like another child (both of them are usually so well behaved) he has started being very aggressive, hitting me and his little brother, swearing, not listening etc.

Today I took the two of them out with a friend of mine I didn’t want to due to the way he has been behaving but it wouldn’t be fair on my 5 year old, he played up all day we all just choose to ignore him, until punched his little brother in the face in a shop knocking him to the floor, I couldn’t ignore that, I was so angry I slapped him I didn’t mean to slap him as hard as I did.

I am really worried now in case EX’s aunt calls social services and my son tells them that I hit him, me and her are not on good terms anymore and she can be very devious.

So could I please have some help with how to deal with my Sons behaviour he hasn’t stopped since we got in this evening, and he is just getting worst by the day.(Worried that I might have another break down) And please some help in how to deal with Social Services if they pay me a visit.
Thanks for reading

VelmaD Their dad has been in prison numerous times, but he has always been found not guilty. I did let one of their dads friends bring him with him to visit once, but when my son come back he cried for days, he will not be going to visit this time. I know my son is going to behave this way until he can see his Dad. He has started hitting his brother again, so I have let me youngest go up to my room to watch television he is really trying to push my buttons again I don't know how much more I can take. Chocolate I am going to click on those links thanks for the advice

Yes, I would agree with calling the non emergency police to express your concerns. They will advise you and you might find that you do get a swifter response if it's necessary.

It does concern me that you're home alone with this worry hanging over you.

Who the hell does the aunt think she is?? Sorry, but call the police and tell them the aunt is planning to kidnap your children. Show them the texts. They will go and see her.

If you are worried about SS, then you need to both protect your children and BE SEEN to be protecting them.

Contact your GP ASAP for an appointment and start finding some support and counselling. That way, when aunt calls SS, and no matter what DS tells them, you can say these are the steps I am taking to improve the situation and protect my children.

But call the police on the aunt. You have problems enough without her interference!

You seem very passive and letting this happen to you - that's a bit worrying. It probably feels so overwhelming and that you can't do anything. But if you don't start protecting yourself and your children things may well get worse - I know it's hard to do though.

You need to protect your sons from the aunts influence - your boys will behave even worse of they see the aunt trying to take them and you refusing.

I'm worried about you.

Are there any organisations near you that offer support to families of prisoners?

When the aunt comes, don't let her in. Call the police and tell them that the aunt of your DH who is in prison is banging on your door threatening to take your children from you.

Good luck to her trying to take the moral high ground when she's had the police called on her.

Have you suffered DV OP? As has been said the way you think people can do these things to your family and the way they think they can do it, makes me wonder.

I agree it is key that you phrase the phone call to the police to be

"The aunt of the Father of the children who is in Prison, is threatening to take the children and is now banging on the door trying to take them from their Mother."

Miscellaneous I am trying to hold myself together, aunt said she is coming here but I just don't want to call the police beforehand incase she doesn't come (98% chance she will though) Weatherall I need to do a search on that. GiddyUp yes I have suffered from DV he was never violent just very controlling! I couldn't go anywhere I had to stay in the house he made me cut of all contact with friends, the last time he was in prison he made one of his friends come around to my house to escort me shopping and to collect the boys from school, he said he was doing this to (protect me) even though we aren't together he is still trying to control me.

I feel very sorry for your ds1 you are making them into golden child/scapegoat and you are very badly letting him down by not apologising for slapping him.

I am of the mind that every parent loses it occasionally and abuses their power over their children in a way that hurts them but what differentiates the normal parents from the abusive ones is the ability to take responsibility and apologise/work on making things right.

Why are you dilly dallying about making a go appointment? This is easter weekend, surely you can't just wait until Easter Saturday?!

Your ds is not bad, he's going through a tough time and you clearly haven't got the parenting skills to deal with what is specifically happening. That is unsurprising really, I doubt many parents would be able to deal with it alone, we all have moments like that as parents where something is beyond our skills, if you are a good parent you recognise this and you don't value you pride over getting the help you need.

I take it you grew up with this nonsense too?

Did you get any help working out what a healthy relationship should look like?

Offred I am not apologising to him, he hurt his brother (sorry) he needs to know how it feels to be hit. Doctors surgery is closed and tomorrow is a public holiday so I have to wait until Saturday and you are right I haven't got the parenting skills to cope with his behaviour :( GiddyUp when you say grew up do you mean I grew up with my sons fathers nonsense? I did put up with it I've never been the strongest person.

Rivah you should apologise. Same as he should apologise to his brother. If you hurt someone, intentionally or accidently, you apologise. You are teaching him here, you need to teach him about other peoples feelings and respect. He knows it hurt, but you now need a conversation about it all.

Rivah,

What type of things do you say to your DS about hitting his Brother?

Why do you struggle with suggestions of you apologise for hitting the child? You realise it is wrong as you worry about SS, yet you don't want to apologise, I don't understand your thinking here, can you please explain it to me?

I meant did you grow up with parents like you and your ex/dh?

The world is not black and white, people are not good and bad.

Rivah you are his role model. You have to show him how to behave when he makes a mistake and hurts his brother.

Have you read about "love bombing"?

Has anyone explained to you that you can love the person and not love their behaviour? Has anyone explained that you name the behaviour and state that you are not happy with that behaviour.

GiddyUp

I tell him that he is wrong and he shouldn't be so horrible and that is brother is younger than her. I am struggling to apologise because he has been hitting his brother for too long.

In terms of my childhood I was raised by my nan as my mum passed when I was two months, my nan was very gentle with me and spoiled me with love. I was bullied in school until I couldn't take it no more that's when I lashed on out the bullies (I am the kind of person who can only take so much)

What does lashing out mean to you?

Would you be able to rephrase it to?

"I know you are hurting because Daddy is not here, you are very loved by me no matter what. When you behave as you did when you hit your Brother, you scare him and hurt his body, and I don't like that behaviour. I like it when you behave like you did when...insert a good example. When I hit you that was wrong, I did it to help you see how it hurts when you are hit. I realise that was not good behaviour and I am very sorry I did that to you as it must have scared you and hurt your body. Do you forgive me? Do you feel you could say sorry to your Brother?

Do you think that would work?

OP, you have a number of problems here. But the first one to deal with is the easiest: put Auntie (and the boys' father) on notice that no one takes these children from you. Call the police. I don't understand your objection to this. Could you explain? Is there a backlash that you're worried about?

If you call and she never comes over, great. But she threatened to take the boys and this is enough to put the police on warning. She will threaten again even if she doesn't show today. The police can warn her off. If you have any texts or emails where she threatens, then save them! There is enough drama in your home without bringing more in from outside. So have the police help you block Auntie out, and your interfering ex.

Your son's behaviour is another area, and obviously a much more complicated problem. You are starting to act out against him and don't know how to make things better. I'm glad you're going to call the GP and start down the path to getting support and help. That's really positive.

You do seem in need of some parenting advice and support. Please seek it out. And don't feel bad for doing so - these are big, thorny issues and lots of us would need help. Good luck!

Look, when someone commits murder they don't then have the right to say who brings up their children.

Don't open the door to your aunt and if she kicks off, call the police. Tell them that your husband is remanded in custody for murder and he has asked his aunt to look after the children, but that this is not what you want and she is disturbing everyone and upsetting the children.

I hope you can get help from your GP. It must be a very stressful time for you.

Have a look at the Barnardos website (say if you want a link) as they do a lot of work with children whose parents are in prison.

I am confused is it the Aunt of the children or the Aunt of your DH?

Protect your kids ffs!

One phone call to 101 NOW will prevent massive drama and upset all round later! Explain you are the parent, you have PR and that the aunt is interfering with your plans which include getting proper professional help for your child who is understandably upset as his father is on remand for murder. It'll take less than 5 minutes of your time.

I'm afraid I'm a little irritated with you for not at least phoning for an appointment with your GP today. This would have given you professional back up against the bullying Aunt.

You are setting yourself up to fail! If you continue to insist on playing the extreme wet & passive "victim" then maybe not today but eventually you WILL lose those kids to a foster home where the adult/s are prepared to protect them.

1. Call 101 NOW
2. When the Aunt turns up - do not open the door, just dial 999.
3. Phone the GP for an emergency appointment on Saturday morning, and then don't make excuses for not attending the appointment.

Sadly I suspect you'll hand the kids over to the aunt tonight and be on here in a couple of months bewailing the loss of your children, while refusing to accept your own fault in it.

Please phone 101. They can be prepared then and there's a log if she keeps up this threat.

Apologise to your DS. The poor boy is little, confused and testing you to see how naughty he would have to be to be sent away like daddy. You need to show him that him and you are not going anywhere.

Despite its ridiculous name I think love bombing is a good idea.

Best of luck OP.

OP I tell him that he is wrong and he shouldn't be so horrible and that is brother is younger than her. I am struggling to apologise because he has been hitting his brother for too long.

As has been said, it's important to name the behaviour, not the child. So it's wrong to hit (hence why you need to apologise). Don't tell him that he is horrible and wrong.