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Original poster

Please Read (Social Services)

364 replies

Rivah · 16/04/2014 20:25

Hello

(Sorry if I have posted this in the wrong category and sorry for the bad grammar, I am using my phone)

Feeling quiet alone right now and would appreciate some kind advice please.

I am a mother of 2 boys age 5&6 there father was recently remanded in custody,

I got a phone call from his aunt yesterday she told me that he wants the boys to go and stay with her until he gets out, because he “doesn’t trust me with them” he is only doing this out of spite because I stopped him from seeing the boys. (Due to him leaving them at places, and taking them to places where children shouldn’t be going to, and exposing other women to them)

I have told his aunt that I will not give them to her and that they are staying with me, now she has threatened to call social services.

I was admitted into hospital last year where I spent 6 weeks due to having an emotional breakdown during early stages of my breakdown I had the home treatment team come and visit me daily. There was a day (when it was decided I should go into hospital for a break) I was really low, my symptoms were (low mood, continuously crying, not eating) I wasn’t doing this in front of the boys. They said that they were concerned about the welfare of the boys and got in contact with social services who came and paid a visit, they had no concern about my living conditions, but they were concern about the boys staying with me whilst I was feeling the way I was.

So I called for their father’s aunt to come and get them (We were close at the time) she helped me a lot with my recovery which I am very grateful for.

Since my Boys father has been in custody my eldest is like another child (both of them are usually so well behaved) he has started being very aggressive, hitting me and his little brother, swearing, not listening etc.

Today I took the two of them out with a friend of mine I didn’t want to due to the way he has been behaving but it wouldn’t be fair on my 5 year old, he played up all day we all just choose to ignore him, until punched his little brother in the face in a shop knocking him to the floor, I couldn’t ignore that, I was so angry I slapped him I didn’t mean to slap him as hard as I did.

I am really worried now in case EX’s aunt calls social services and my son tells them that I hit him, me and her are not on good terms anymore and she can be very devious.

So could I please have some help with how to deal with my Sons behaviour he hasn’t stopped since we got in this evening, and he is just getting worst by the day.(Worried that I might have another break down) And please some help in how to deal with Social Services if they pay me a visit.
Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Original poster
Rivah · 19/04/2014 08:41

I am going to take DS1 to his aunts house, he can not be here with me and his brother anymore

OP posts:
Varfalli34 · 19/04/2014 08:45

Please please don't abandon your son. Wouldn't you rather get professional help so you can all stay together?

slartybartfast · 19/04/2014 08:51

glad you made a decision to get out

imip · 19/04/2014 08:53

(((Op)))) giving ds to aunty is reaching out to the wrong person for help... It may also give your dp another way of controlling you (by letting aunty control your son).

I'm no where near as clever as all the other posters who are giving great advice. But do listen to them, let yourself be in control of this situation...

thornrose · 19/04/2014 09:01

My ex partner was sent to his great uncle's house to live when his mum had a new baby. He never got over the feelings of rejection and it affected every relationship he ever had, especially his relationship with his mother and brother. Sounds harsh but it's true.

Think very carefully about the message you are passing to your son by sending him away, please.

GiddyUpCowboy · 19/04/2014 09:17

You don't seem to want to get your family help from the right people.

I wish you well, you are going to need good wishes making the choices you do.

Varfalli34 · 19/04/2014 09:38

You are getting such great advice from people on here. I'd really like to understand why you don't want to take any of
It? Were you hoping to hear something else posting on here?

Original poster
Rivah · 19/04/2014 09:52

Right I have got DS1 ready to go to Aunties house as he told me he wanted to go now, now he is crying and saying he wants to stay home with me. I have tried cuddling him but he keeps moving away, I asked him if he wants me to take him and his brother somewhere nice and he has said yes. Yesterday was a bad day for me my mind was all over the place I am going to take them out hopefully everything will run smoothly and when I get back I will call Social Services for the relevant help. Sorry if I sounded as if I wasn't listening to any of you but I was and I was just scared.

OP posts:
GiddyUpCowboy · 19/04/2014 10:00

I don't understand why you don't call SS now, it won't take that long.

Rivah, your son is very like you.

LEMmingaround · 19/04/2014 10:06

See, he loves you and needs you - he is your mum. You are doing the right thing - you know what, today might be another bad day but if he plays up, remember that he is going through a lot (just as you are) and this is his way of processing his emotions. He is moving away from your cuddles because he is scared of his own emotions.

I am so so pleased that you are no sending him to his aunt - her intenions are not good, not what is best for the boy. It sounds like a very scary situation.

You should call social services, women's aid and the police and be advised by them regarding the aunt and your ex. They WILL help you. Then social services will be able to help you or direct you to help for your DS behaviour, it must be really difficult but if you have some strategies to cope hen you will move forward.

Itsfab · 19/04/2014 10:16

Rivah - why are you not listening to the wise ladies on here who know exactly what you need? Do you secretly want someone else to have your children so you can have your life back and have peace? You are giving your child to one of the people who doesn't want him, doesn't love him, not really. They just want to hurt you and don't care if they hurt the child in the process as they don't care about the child or you.

Cutting yourself is not something your child should see and they will see the results. You need to grow up and put your child first. That means getting professional help and admitting you aren't coping through stress or because at the moment you aren't up to it or don't want to do it.

You have to put your child first. Is your duty as a mother. Give your child over to the aunt and he will never forgive you. He might think it is what he wants right now but he clearly doesn't know what he wants as one minute he wants to go then he doesn't. He calls you a bitch then wants love and cuddles. He is very mixed up and you could sort that and stop it with one phone call. Why aren't you making it?

Harsh but necessary.

Alonglongway · 19/04/2014 10:31

He's too little to know what's best for him and you'll mess with his head if you keep threatening to send him to the aunt. You all need a peaceful day - is it sunny where you are? Any chance of heading out to the park and let the boys run off their energy?

Vivacia · 19/04/2014 10:39

You can ring Social Services now.

bellediva · 19/04/2014 10:56

That is good to hear OP. Your sons both need you and sending one to the aunt would have been a big mistake.Take them away for a few days for a break if you can, but I strstrongly suggest you call SS first. You can tell them about the aunt trying to take the kids, their dad being in prison and the upset its causing with the boys. They will help and give lots of advice. You will feel such a sense of relief in actually talking to them and taking that first step to making sure you and the boys get through this. And you will do it! Stay strong for them and get the help you all need.

FlankShaftMcWap · 19/04/2014 11:18

Don't be disheartened if he acts up again today, it will happen and there are no quick fixes. It's how you respond to him that's important right now. Don't give up on him OP. Take one day at a time. Don't put off making those calls, you need professionals in your corner if you want to get through this with your family intact. Hope today is going well for you Thanks

mummytime · 19/04/2014 11:20

Another person you can ask for help from is your GP. Really show just how hard it is for you to know what to do about his behaviour, and how much you want to help. There are ways of getting family therapy or even counselling for children. Even a good parenting course (one for parents who are really struggling - it might even just help with you not feeling alone).
He may not like cuddles - but see what he does like: a pat on the hand, a high 5, sitting next to you watching TV, snuggling up under a blanket.

I also made it a rule at one point to ensure I told my children every day that I loved them. It was hard at first, and took a long time to seem as if it had got through, but it has and has certainly helps at times. If you think back to your own childhood there are probably certain phrases that just pop into your head, I wanted one of those for my children to be that I loved them.

Its okay to be scared. But remember when it came to it, your DS wanted you not "Auntie".

BuzzardBird · 19/04/2014 11:21

Will you just listen? Those children need help, you must help them now, not later. This is so frustrating, lots of good advice being given.

Original poster
Rivah · 19/04/2014 13:39

I have not long got the boys home from the park it didn't go so well, he hit another child I apologised to childs mother and left the park with the two of them. To my surprise DS1 didn't have a tantrum when we got back into the car I told him I love him but I'm disappointed with him and asked him why he did it he answered "I don't know I just did it" then started to cry, he asked for some "alone time" because he wants to write me and his brother "sorry letters" when he comes back downstairs I will have a chat with him, plenty of kisses and cuddles.

I do want help and I do think I need social services involved how do I approach them? And sorry once again if I seemed like I was ignoring all of your kind friendly advice, my kind wasn't in the right place. I promise to keep on updating you.

OP posts:
GiddyUpCowboy · 19/04/2014 13:40

YEAH, this is so good. Can you see you apologising and saying you love him is working.

Go on your local authority website and email or phone them, do it today.

GiddyUpCowboy · 19/04/2014 13:42

Next time rather than disappointed in him, which is an attack on him, can you change it to disappointed in his behaviour which is something he can change/has a choice over and is not about him as a person.

BertieBotts · 19/04/2014 13:48

That sounds great. Yes he's still struggling to control his actions but he's actually thinking about it now and trying to make it better by himself. That's brilliant.

I think you can google "Children's services [town name]" and it will come up with a website, click through to find the contact page and then you can either phone or email them.

Check out the Child Protection Resource site linked above, that was set up by some mumsnetters who were frustrated to see people being given bad advice online/by family and friends etc and wanted a moderated source of good, reliable information about how is the best way to interact with social services, what they want, etc. There might be some good information on there.

Write down a list of what you want to say before you call/email and then you can just work down the list and it won't be so scary. We might be able to help if you like?

DeriArms · 19/04/2014 14:28

Hi OP here are some Thanks from me as well for hanging on in there in a horrendous situation. As others say, your little ones now need you more than ever and you are going to need to keep being strong. Definitely keep posting on here.
In terms of seeking support, one avenue I would recommend is approaching your children's school and asking to speak to the school nurse or pastoral manager/learning mentor about your family situation and your son's behaviour. This may also help with seeking the right referral for your family's needs and you can ask them to refer you in to children's services. OP remember that we and those services are here to support you on your journey, keep taking it a little bit at a time.

thornrose · 19/04/2014 14:36

Well done Rivah I was really worried for a while there. Thanks

MiscellaneousAssortment · 19/04/2014 15:00

Please keep on the right path now, for all your sakes. Well done, but also, so worrying hearing how close you are to unravelling. I can only repeat the need to get help ASAP.

You've come so close to really dangerous territory (giving one of your children away to someone who hasn't got good intentions)... And your own son has pleaded with you to keep him at home and it seems that it was only his change in behaviour that led you to back down. That's really worrying as he's not going to keep it up, and he shouldn't have to given what an awful state he is in.

I'm very glad you made the right decision but worried that everytime ds1 hits out your fragile sense of control will collapse.

I hope you find some strength and resilience to keep loving your son, and being the grown up he needs.

Vivacia · 19/04/2014 15:10

Well done OP it sounds as though you're coming back to us. Your children really need you to be a strong and caring parent right now, no matter how difficult things are for you. I share Miscellaneous' thoughts that things are going to magically become perfect, and you need to have support for the next time you're feeling low or challenged by one of the boy's behaviour.