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Original poster

Please Read (Social Services)

364 replies

Rivah · 16/04/2014 20:25

Hello

(Sorry if I have posted this in the wrong category and sorry for the bad grammar, I am using my phone)

Feeling quiet alone right now and would appreciate some kind advice please.

I am a mother of 2 boys age 5&6 there father was recently remanded in custody,

I got a phone call from his aunt yesterday she told me that he wants the boys to go and stay with her until he gets out, because he “doesn’t trust me with them” he is only doing this out of spite because I stopped him from seeing the boys. (Due to him leaving them at places, and taking them to places where children shouldn’t be going to, and exposing other women to them)

I have told his aunt that I will not give them to her and that they are staying with me, now she has threatened to call social services.

I was admitted into hospital last year where I spent 6 weeks due to having an emotional breakdown during early stages of my breakdown I had the home treatment team come and visit me daily. There was a day (when it was decided I should go into hospital for a break) I was really low, my symptoms were (low mood, continuously crying, not eating) I wasn’t doing this in front of the boys. They said that they were concerned about the welfare of the boys and got in contact with social services who came and paid a visit, they had no concern about my living conditions, but they were concern about the boys staying with me whilst I was feeling the way I was.

So I called for their father’s aunt to come and get them (We were close at the time) she helped me a lot with my recovery which I am very grateful for.

Since my Boys father has been in custody my eldest is like another child (both of them are usually so well behaved) he has started being very aggressive, hitting me and his little brother, swearing, not listening etc.

Today I took the two of them out with a friend of mine I didn’t want to due to the way he has been behaving but it wouldn’t be fair on my 5 year old, he played up all day we all just choose to ignore him, until punched his little brother in the face in a shop knocking him to the floor, I couldn’t ignore that, I was so angry I slapped him I didn’t mean to slap him as hard as I did.

I am really worried now in case EX’s aunt calls social services and my son tells them that I hit him, me and her are not on good terms anymore and she can be very devious.

So could I please have some help with how to deal with my Sons behaviour he hasn’t stopped since we got in this evening, and he is just getting worst by the day.(Worried that I might have another break down) And please some help in how to deal with Social Services if they pay me a visit.
Thanks for reading

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 19/04/2014 21:07

My DS is really into computer games too and not really into cuddly toys, so I think that can be quite normal. He used to sleep with a cuddly winnie the pooh but never actually cuddled it when he was asleep, when I checked on him it was always miles away from him in the bed. I breastfed/cuddled on demand until he was quite old (still cuddle on demand obv! :)) so I think he just never really transferred his "mum comfort" to an object. I don't sleep with him any more but he will ask for cuddles etc if he needs one. He's decided he's "too grown up" for winnie the pooh so he's been relegated to a shelf! He likes being snuggled up in a blanket or duvet so GiddyUp's suggestion is a nice one too. I don't know that they "need" a special toy, DS comes to us or he has "invisible friends", I don't know if he talks to them. He normally plays games with them when he's awake.

I think just carry him up to bed in a bit and if he's unsettled by being moved then sit on the bed with him and stroke his back/hair for a bit, he'll probably appreciate you being there even though he wanted to be alone earlier.

bellediva · 19/04/2014 21:51

OP its great that you spoke to a support worker and dealt with the annoying aunt. Hopefully you can start getting yourself back on track. It certainly sounds like you're starting to make good progress with the boys. You just have to take it one day at a time. ..you will get there. Some days the boys will really struggle with all thats happening, but just carry on with being understanding and be there for them with lots of love and hugs.

Original poster
Rivah · 20/04/2014 07:50

Really worried about DS1 he has been up crying and shaking since 4 o'clock he just won't speak to me. Should I take him to A&E?

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 20/04/2014 07:53

yes that is a good place op.

HappySunflower · 20/04/2014 07:53

Will he let you cuddle him? He might open up if he's snuggled up close to you.n

Original poster
Rivah · 20/04/2014 08:00

I've just asked him he said he wants to be alone. Slartybart what shall I tell them when I get there?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 20/04/2014 08:12

Say he's under a lot of stress and you're worried about him. Tell them the symptoms - refusing comfort/cuddles, refusing to speak, then explain the situation, about his father, about the aunt, about the extreme behaviour.

LEMmingaround · 20/04/2014 08:13

poor lad - how old is he?

Is A&E the right place? I have to admit that was my first thought but will they be equipped for this? Any ideas anyone? Can you call social services again? He needs help but i am worried you will struggle to physically get him to A&E? Call 111 and see what they suggest? If you could get someone to come out to you it might be better? Sorry, not much help, just wanted to offer my support.

He is lucky to have you looking out for him xx

EasyCompadre · 20/04/2014 08:31

This is the first time I've seen this thread OP, I just wanted to say that it really sounds like you've turned a corner these past couple of days and you are doing so so well... What you have been through, and are still going through is so tough, and I hope you can see all of the little steps of progress you are making.

How is DS1 now? Will he let you hold him and cuddle/kiss him? Keep repeating that mummy's here, mummy isn't going anywhere, he's ok, you're here to listen when he wants to talk... Over and over again, like a broken record.

He needs to feel safe and loved, no matter what his behaviour is like, and I think he's finally realising that mummy isn't going to give up on him, but of course occasionally he will have wobbles where he pushes the boundaries to check that mummy really does mean what she says.

You're doing a good job, don't forget it. One baby step at a time. This too shall pass.

Original poster
Rivah · 20/04/2014 08:32

BertieBotts I've suggested A&E to him he is now saying he wants his dad. LEMming he is 6 soon to be 7 and you are right it will be a struggle to get him there.

OP posts:
diddlediddledumpling · 20/04/2014 08:42

I've just read this thread and wanted to let you know how strong you're being now.
Can you ring social services again? Or the NSPCC helpline that someone suggested earlier? I agree, A&E might not be equipped to deal with this. But perhaps visiting there will get you into the system so you start getting the help you need.

Your son sounds like he's really scared, could it be a panic attack he's having? Perhaps his aunt's visit has made him worry about los

diddlediddledumpling · 20/04/2014 08:44

Sorry! worry about losing you too.
Calm and loving reassurance all day and an opportunity to chat or express his fears through writing or drawing might help. A walk in the park (rather than playing in the playground) might be good to calm him too.

I hope you start getting support soon; you should not be dealing with this on your own, and there is help out there.

BertieBotts · 20/04/2014 08:48

Maybe call out of hours GP? If he seems to be calming down maybe it would do more harm than good to take him in.

Vivacia · 20/04/2014 08:50

OP a six year old child doesn't have the knowledge required to make a decision about whether he needs A&E or not. You are an adult and responsible for his health, so you need to make the decision.

I'm not sure about A&E, but they could at least rule out something medical. There's nothing to stop you ringing Social Services, NSPCC and going to A&E.

Alonglongway · 20/04/2014 08:59

Could be exhaustion combined with all the upset kicking in. Has he eaten?

badtime · 20/04/2014 09:45

Can he eat? Would he take some hot chocolate or something?
Sometimes people get panic attack symptoms because they have low blood sugar.

Flux700 · 20/04/2014 10:20

Can you remind them he is away with work and empathise with how awful they feel. Name the feelings DS1 is feeling so that he sees they are acknowledged. 'Yes you must feel really cross and sad'. You must have felt very angry to smash the iPad'. When he is calmer can you chat to him nicely and get him to think about other things he could do to get rid of his aggression. Punching his pillow or holding some ice cubes (could also br good alternative for you when you feel like self harming) or finding a quiet spot to retrieve to (tent, tree) or writing everything down or counting to 20 before acting (and telling you how he feels).

Try empathising with him and getting him on side. Repeat as often as is needed. He need to choose to do the right thing and not be threatened into doing the right thing.

What can you do to get yourself feeling a bit better? If you feel better they will also probably feel a bit better.

Do reach out and get some help though.

Flux700 · 20/04/2014 10:26

I'm wondering if your son is depressed. Can you ring the out if hours Gp. Number will be on your doctors phone message.

GiddyUpCowboy · 20/04/2014 11:00

I guess you took him to A&E, I hope they helped him feel better.

Original poster
Rivah · 20/04/2014 12:55

He still won't eat neither of them will both off them have cried themselves into a nap. I've asked DS2 why he is upset and he said he was crying because his brother is sad and he doesn't like people being sad,

They are both going to make themselves ill, I don't have much junk food in my house such as icecream,crisps or chocolates but I did try and bribe them with a trip to the shop but they weren't interested.

They've go back to sleep next week (not the following) should I try taking them on a short break?

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 20/04/2014 13:02

you mean bacak to school i assume?
a short break sounds good
go for it

clam · 20/04/2014 13:07

I think, if you possibly can, it would be good for you all if you could get out somewhere nice today. I know the weather's not the best, but where is the prettiest/soul-lifting place near to you that you could get a bus/walk to? Just a walk with maybe an ice-cream as a treat might shift your thoughts a bit?
Sounds a bit lame, I know, but staring at the four walls can drive you all mad.

GiddyUpCowboy · 20/04/2014 13:20

After you have seen SS and the GP do take them on a break, you need them to support it, or you will get fined from school.

Original poster
Rivah · 20/04/2014 13:25

Slarty school* yes sorry. Giddy they've got another week off, they would be back in time for school.

OP posts:
Spiritedwolf · 20/04/2014 13:26

I think its fine to acknowledge "You are feeling sad because you miss daddy" and "I know you wish you could have daddy here now" without feeling that you have to try and fix that for him. It is normal for a child to miss their father even if it wouldn't be good for him to spend time with his dad.

Also, if their father has been controlling the household, running things, acting like you couldn't be trusted to do things, like he was the only adult in the house then the boys will feel very insecure that he has gone (even though he was wrong to be so controlling and dismissive of you). It is up to you (with the support of the services we've talked about - social work, getting the boys some counselling, woman's aid for you, maybe counselling too) to show them that actually you are a competent adult and parent (even if you don't always feel like one - everyone has doubts and no doubt your confidence is in tatters because of the way you've been treated) and you can help them get through their upsetting feelings and behaviour.

Their reaction to this situation, whilst it feels extreme and unmanageable at times, does make sense. (Food is a classic thing that kids can assert control over when things outside their control are happening - try not to get too angry or worried) Hopefully you'll be able to access some counselling for them to get them through.

An idea for eating. Maybe sit some nibbles out for them in the room whilst they watch a movie/play a game or something. It might be more tempting for them to pick at bits whilst their attention is elsewhere, and may seem less daunting than a sit down meal. It doesn't have to be just sweets etc - can be little sandwiches in triangles, chopped up fruit, crackers, little sausages, little cubes of cheese etc - think buffet/party rather than meal. If the food is there without any pressure to eat a certain amount of it, they might tuck in. Try not to be upset if they don't though, or make a big deal out of it if they do. You are calm, and just making it available, its up to them. Enjoy some yourself. Milk to drink if they have it will be a bit more fulling and nutritious than water or juice.

Hope things get better soon.