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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last straw - Married Man - TMI

572 replies

heartshaped · 15/04/2014 18:50

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 15/04/2014 20:20

OP I'm going to try and not be too judgemental.

I'm sorry you feel bad about what happened. It's a very intimate act that many people do not wish to participate in. However, there is nothing wrong with it at all when it's part of a loving and consensual sexual relationship.

So why do you feel so bad about it?

I think because it's forced you to think about the emotional and sexual dynamic you are in.

You did something unexpected (even if consensual) and you probably wanted to talk about it.

But he wasn't there. He was with his wife and you didn't like that.

It's one thing knowing (and compartmentalising) that he has a wife and kids - it's another when a specific event brings it home that you are NOT the priority. I think this is the cause of your angst.

So it's a good time to take stock.

Do you really think he loves you?

Will he ever leave his family?

If he does, are you prepared to be a good Step Mother to his kids?

Are you prepared to be in contact with his wife for the rest of your life (through the kids you will be) and be on the end of her distain?

Can you imagine what you will say when his kids say "I hate you - you stole my Daddy"?

Do you think your relationship with him is special enough for your relationship to even survive once the "gloss" has worn off - remembering his wife was presumably special to him once?

Have you really thought about the consequences here?

This is your first little heartbreak over this man. Stay and it won't be your last or the biggest.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 15/04/2014 20:23

There are 5 people in this 'relationship'. I counsel children who are affected by family splits. Think of his family unit and how you would feel if you were the wife with 2 children.
I really hope things work out for you OP and you find peace in knowing this relationship doesnt seem right fir you.

Original poster
heartshaped · 15/04/2014 20:27

Thanks for those still trying to support.

Alch - I am not an easy lay and our relationship is based on more than sex, probably opening myself up to a world of ridicule here but this is why I felt I could be more sexually intimate with him psychologically and then felt so terrible. Anyway i'm sure that's fallen on deaf ears as you appeared to have made up your mind that I am satan incarnate.

bad - i am not the one he just does 'dirty things with' and goes home to his wife for stability and cuddles. Some of these views are so outdated. We go out all the time, he has met my family, talks about how it will be when we are together, our future, to and intents and purposes it is an actual relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartshaped · 15/04/2014 20:28

Thats very helpful Yellow

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 15/04/2014 20:29

Are you family aware he is married with kids?

MojitoMadness · 15/04/2014 20:29

heartshaped I'm sorry that he made you feel so crap and used. Honestly you really need to do yourself a favour and leave this fucker. You can do so much better. He's nothing but a selfish user. He doesn't think you're special, he doesn't have an emotional connection to you, he's not in love with you. If he was he would have left his wife in the beginning, he hasn't, he has no intention of leaving her. When you (hopefully) come to your senses and dump him, he'll just replace you with someone else. You have no future with this man, he's a waste of space.

Really, you deserve so much more than the way he's treating you. It's better to be alone than be with someone who is just using you for sex and slowly chipping away at your self esteem. He will never be what you want him to be, he's a liar, a cheater and a wanker.

ballinacup · 15/04/2014 20:31

But it's not an actual relationship, is it? Have you met his family? Is he making solid, concrete plans to put this future he talks about into place?

Or is it a case of crumbs from the rich man's table? He's an arsehole OP, get out while you can and find a man that's free to give you the future you want.

IAmNotAMindReader · 15/04/2014 20:36

There's nothing wrong with the sex you have. However you are feeling dead inside and used because you are being used and not just for sex.

He's using you to prop up his ego.
He's using you to live out a fantasy life where he's in a perfect relationship without any realities of a real relationship (hence the talks of a non existent life together in an unlikely future).
He's using you for emotional intimacy.

This is why you feel so low as you know deep down he isn't going to leave his wife and he is slowly draining and feeding off all of your hopes and dreams as a parasite.
Don't get me wrong he probably doesn't see his actions this way but it is the effect they are having on you. I'm afraid the only way to build a future with someone is to find a person who genuinely wants the same future as you and isn't just sucking your life away dreaming.

Its this constant idealisation of your relationship particularly on his part which unfortunately leads me to think he is neither prepared nor truly wants the realities of it and living with the results of ending his relationship with his wife. He wants you both in completely separate realities and it just won't work in either case unless he fully commits to one or the other.

badbaldingballerina123 · 15/04/2014 20:37

What the fuck are you on about winter ? Whatever your name is. Ffs.

Do you think the Op HASNT degraded herself by what she's done ? Because she sounds like she feels pretty degraded and used doesn't she. And no , I don't think his wife has to behave in a similar way to get a few hours of his time. Do you ?

ElseaStars · 15/04/2014 20:37

No sympathy from me either. I'm sorry OP but I feel bad for his wife and kids. They will always make out their wife is terrible but then they always go back. Your being used. I agree when someone said sisterhood is dead. Marriage means F all to so many and if you are married you are a "smug married" on here. Get over yourself and get out when you can.

Alchemist · 15/04/2014 20:40

No, I do not think you are "satan incarnate" at all.

Perhaps this isn't support you were looking for but it is support.

"I may not like what you are doing but surely you are worth much more than being a fuck he can do whatever he wants to?

I hope you are."

Not enough? Silly me.

Purpleroxy · 15/04/2014 20:41

Op I'm sorry for your situation. The way you have described his behaviour makes him to an unbiased observer a complete nasty bastard.

You know how used you felt after he left - there is a good reason for it - you were used. Don't allow him to do this to you. It sounds like he feeds you enough emotional lies to get what he wants from you and then goes. I know you don't think it's lies, but he married his wife because he loved her and wanted to be with her forever. It's likely he has rewritten history or convinced himself she is bad to him or whatever but there was no gun to his head when he said those vows. He meant them. I am sure you do have a connection with him which is unfortunate for you because he doesn't treat you well. He cannot possibly love you as he claims and hurt your feelings like this.

There isn't a future with him because you will always remember incidents like this.

Leave him and repair your life.

Alchemist · 15/04/2014 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ForalltheSaints · 15/04/2014 20:43

I am a man. Thankfully none of my male friends have ever behaved this way. Those who have been divorced and have remarried met their second wife long after the first marriage had ended.

However, I have heard of so many men who said they would leave their wife and kids and never do. It may be the least painful thing to do to end the relationship.

Itsfab · 15/04/2014 20:44

If he has shown you in microscopic colour how little he means to you decide he has done you a favour and finish it.

WalletInspector · 15/04/2014 20:44

Oh God.

His wife is not "better", nor does he love her. If either of those things were true he would not be messing around with op.

OW understandably get a tough time on here but as someone who has been on all sides of this scenario in various relationships, I have sympathy for your feelings op. I suspect he would rather have stayed with you but threw you under the bus because it wasn't worth the hassle at home.

This sounds like a messy situation and I don't think this man is in a position to provide you with anything but confusion and pain. He is tied to another woman which may be regrettable for one or both of you but marriage and children are a nightmare to walk away from. There can be no clean break and even if you truly love the third person in your relationship, it's probably not worth it. I don't think you can expect any more from him in terms of a relationship than you already have.

Original poster
heartshaped · 15/04/2014 20:44

Purple, MindReader, Mojito. So helpful,
thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
heartshaped · 15/04/2014 20:46

Alchemist - hide the thread - think it's best for everyone. Please don't lull me into a false sense of security just to flame me.

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 15/04/2014 20:46

I'll repeat my question in case you missed it. Are your family aware that he is married with kids?

Original poster
heartshaped · 15/04/2014 20:47

Thanks Wallet

OP posts:
MmeMorrible · 15/04/2014 20:47

And OP - what kind of nasty bastard goes round introducing himself to the OW's family and friends? How would you feel as the wife, knowing that not only had your 'D'H been shagging around behind your back and 'fallen in love' but had also met her family etc.

Does this seem weird to anyone else? I think it's more shocking that the bumsex!

WinterMuse · 15/04/2014 20:48

You're calling having (anal) sex "behaving in a (...) way" and "degrading" oneself.
Oopsie, I think someone's feeling a bit frustrated!

Original poster
heartshaped · 15/04/2014 20:49

No just. Only my close brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartshaped · 15/04/2014 20:50

Mme. He didn't 'go around'. It wasn't a planned event.

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 15/04/2014 20:50

Your brother is aware that you, his sister, is having an affair with a married man. Jeez, he must be so proud.