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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last straw - Married Man - TMI

572 replies

heartshaped · 15/04/2014 18:50

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

OP posts:
Hissy · 15/04/2014 19:39

You are fucking one of OUR husbands potentially.

The father of OUR dc.

Yes this is Mumsnet. Well spotted.

I ask again, Wtaf did you expect? Brew and Biscuit while your boyfriend decides whether to have his Cake or engage in an intimate foray in the anal region?

You might have pressed the total self esteem annihilation button, posting on here to get a good kicking, but you're also rubbing salt into the wounds of those having their entire lives trashed.

I question your veracity, and your motives here.

Original poster
heartshaped · 15/04/2014 19:40

How Itsfab? Who ever decided on the pain rhicterscale and put married women at the top? I know that sounds dreadful as I right it but i can't imagine feeling less fucking awful. Not just this but months of crap. Yes, I know, i'm all the bitches under the sun.

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 15/04/2014 19:42

heartshaped no one forced you to fuck a married man, no one forced you to fall in love with one. There are so many single men out there, a selfish woman out to persuade an man to leave his family deserves no sympathy and you won't get any from the majority of people.

Hissy · 15/04/2014 19:42

You're ashamed. Good. That shows you're not a complete cow.

You're hurt. that's what happens. You're onto nothing but a hiding

Now is the time to take the advice to end this bollocks and move on.

There you go. Advice for anyone who is really in that situation and not here just to upset and provoke.

RyvitaSesame · 15/04/2014 19:42

...... offs, hissy, if she were 'fucking' your husband woudl you be angry with the op or would you think your h was an abusive user. You doth protest too much and that's to do with the state of your marriage more than it's to do with the OP.

Original poster
heartshaped · 15/04/2014 19:43

I am not here to upset and provoke.

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 15/04/2014 19:43

so why are you involved with him - did he promise to leave her?

don't you care that he is lying to you and her. why do you have such low self esteem that you think this is all you deserve?

RyvitaSesame · 15/04/2014 19:44

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/04/2014 19:44

You have a choice here, you could walk away, end your hurt and rebuild your dignity. The poor wife has no choice because she has no clue.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/04/2014 19:45

Ryvita, if she were fucking my husband damn right I'd be angry with her.

NurseyWursey · 15/04/2014 19:45

OP you will get comments like those, because we speak to women everyday on here who are devastated because their husbands have ran off with another woman. Who knows, maybe we will have to comfort his wife one day.

I don't think I would ever be in your position because I couldn't do it to another woman or their children, but if I was I would leave. You are surely better than this

justmuddlingalong · 15/04/2014 19:46

If she was fucking my husband, she'd be bloody welcome to him. Leave the wife for a mistress, create a vacancy and all that...

Pasithea · 15/04/2014 19:47

7 years down the line it doesn't get better. So learn to deal with it and be happy with what you have or give it up.

Rebecca2014 · 15/04/2014 19:48

Sisterhood is dead.

I had chances to sleep with married men but never have done, due to respect for their partner etc yet it seems so many women would never extend that respect to me. It just really fucking sad.

mansize · 15/04/2014 19:48

Persuade a man to leave his family? What a load of bollocks. A decent man would not be persuaded!

Poor, poor married man led astray by this temptress...

Regardless of what you think of OP, making jokes about the anal sex incident is incredibly low.

OP, it doesn't sound like this man has ANYTHING going for him, least of all his availability to you. He will never leave his wife for you - he would have done it by now. Walk away.

Hissy · 15/04/2014 19:49

Nope Ryvita, as every single other affair thread on here the anger is geared toward the OW and the H.

Yes he is the one cheating on the wife

But this OW here is bending over backwards to gloat.

I'm not a victim of an affair. I'm a regular poster who has time and time again held the hands of others on here who have been cheated on.

I tell them to focus on their H, not the bint he's banging.

I do find it reprehensible that a woman comes onto Mumsnet Relationships to ask for sympathy because she feels dirty cos he fucked and ran.

Them's the rules of engagement with sordid affairs! Hardly rocket science is it?

RyvitaSesame · 15/04/2014 19:49

If this scenario involved your husband then 'heartshaped' would be the least of your worries. So wind your neck in and stop abusing somebody that's already upset. That is just bitchiness. I know there's a train of thought on mumsnet that seems to believe only married women are entitled to feel pain or upset or wronged, but that is biased and not true, so take your baggage and stuff it up your arse. I say this as somebody who has not cheated with a married man, but as a human being that recognises that all women are humans. So take your head out of your, well I was going to say arse, but I will say Marriage. take your head out of your Marriage and see the wood for the trees.

RyvitaSesame · 15/04/2014 19:50

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Casmama · 15/04/2014 19:50

You are pushing him to leave his wife, he is not the one bringing it up.
You tell him you are not having sex unless he is staying, he not only has sex with you but initiates something sexual with you that you have never done before and then leaves anyway.

Walk away OP and hopefully you will be able to regain your self respect.
Don't judge him by what he says, that's easy to fake. Judge him for what he does ie cheat on his wife, play along when you suggest leaving her and having sex with you then ignoring your prior agreement.

I would put money on him not having anal sex with his wife. Sorry you are hurt but hopefully this will be the wake up call you need.

Stinkypinky73 · 15/04/2014 19:50

OP, please leave this man and his family alone. Cut ALL contact, no matter how hard it is for you...it is the only way you will have a good life and future. He has children and a woman who do not deserve this betrayal that you are helping make happen.

You feel used because you HAVE been used. The BEST thing you can do for yourself (and his family) is to never contact him again. Even if you think he is loving and caring and a good person...take a LOOK at how he is treating his children and there you have the measure of him.

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 15/04/2014 19:51

But this OW here is bending over backwards to gloat.
I haven't seen this. Confused

Rebecca2014 · 15/04/2014 19:51

RyvitaSesame this is not the OW support thread.

She did this to herself and she came here to gloat, what did she expect people to say?

Hissy · 15/04/2014 19:51

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MmeMorrible · 15/04/2014 19:52

Actually OP regardless of his marital status, the facts are he lied to you to get you to go further sexually than you wanted to and then didn't stay the night afterwards. He's treated you badly and hurt you physically and emotionally.

He also has a wife that you know he still has a physical relationship and two children that will be badly affected by any fall out from this affair.

Explain why you want to be with him?

talullah57 · 15/04/2014 19:53

OMG Ryvita, the OP KNEW/KNOWS he's married with kids. How any human being can do that to another is frankly inhumane. Animals. So many lives at rock bottom, years to rebuild a life, for what? Anyway, I won't say anymore.