Last straw - Married Man - TMI

[heartshaped]

I'm so sorry, I am in an affair (myself single). It is loving, I love him and he says the same wholeheartedly (I know the script, i've read up, I can't recognise it at the moment). Only recently have I pushed him to consider leaving his wife, though I previously thought I was okay with things as they were - loving attentive guy, real kindred spirits in every way but I have fallen deep so pushed things. Last night he came over, I thought to stay, we had anal sex (sorry for tmi) which I have never done, and then he left me on my own to go home to his wife. I'm feel so so gutted and used. He's texting all day please can we meet up, why aren't I talking to him but I feel dreadful, drained and dead.

Ryvita, speak Arabic do ya?

Look it up. It means girl.

Is Ryvita a sockpuppet, or just crackers?
She's coming across a lot more rational than you, to be honest, Hissy.
Fair play to other posters who clearly don't agree with the OP's actions but have managed to offer some element of advice for her wellbeing.

You must be kidding? " am not here to upset and provoke." Yes you are.

You feel used because you agreed to have anal sex with him and he didn't stay the night to cuddle and kiss?

Fuck that. What a crock. You are fucking a MM who then goes home to his DW and has "cuddles".

If I was an OW I would sort of expect it just to be a sexual relationship because everything else he would be getting from his wife. Family, stability, home etc.

Some people harbour dreams of more and it's sad.

OP what do you think you're going to do now?

How what?

You might be hurting but you CHOSE to fuck a married man. If his wife finds out and is hurt that isn't her fault! It isn't a fucking pie chart for who is hurt more. You just don't have the right to call is as you chose to sleep with someone else's husband.

You are not 'all the bitches under the sun' op, you have been taken in by a smooth talking wanker. So has his poor wife, but the difference is that she got with him as a single man and she is (presumably) still unaware that he is not as committed and faithful as she is. So you can understand why most people's sympathies would be drawn towards her.
But this post is about you. You seem to have got caught up in the excitement and 'romance' of it all and now reality is hitting home. Hard. Fact is, this really is going to be your life if you carry on like this. You will spend many more nights feeling hurt and taken advantage of whilst he trots home to his nice comfy real life with all his sexual needs taken care of. The only thing that can change here is you - if you decide you deserve better.

I am not gloating - what do I have to gloat about exactly? The fact that I did something that made me feel really vulnerable and got left alone in the middle of the night by someone who is said they love me? I didn't intentionally try to attract loads of hurt wives by my thread title Hissy. Thanks for the support Ryvita, Casmama, Stinky and others.

The fact that I did something that made me feel really vulnerable and got left alone in the middle of the night by someone who is said they love me?

I'm really sorry you feel so bad, but what did you expect from him :( if he can do it to his wife and children, he's going to do it to you too

I may not be completely rational at the mo due to the fact H left six months ago for his OW. 20 years and 2 children.

OW must have cunts of gold.

Leave him NOW.

• he doesn't like women as he is putting his needs before those of 2 other women.

• he has no respect for families as he is having an affair that might cause huge damage to his children

• he encouraged you to do something you were uncomfortable with and then left

• his repeated texts are all about HIM and his feelings - he is worried, he needs to know how you are etc etc.

• even if he does leave his wife, will you ever trust him not to have another affair, leaving you as the wife rather than OW?

Please, get out now and find someone who puts you and your relationship first. Someone you would actually want as a role model for your sons and daughters.

Alchemist, no I didn't want a cuddle and kiss all night. What I didn't want was for MM to show me in glorious technicolour how microscopic I mean to him.

op I can see both sides. I was the ow many many years ago. im now married. (not to the same man). I understand how badly you are feeling, although a lot of your pain in self inflicted. Affairs are like this, they are painful to most involved. its a relationship based on lies and mistrust. There is a better, healthier relationship for you out there. you must LTB for thats exactly what he is. No one should have to be in a relationship with somebody who doesnt put them first. neither you or his wife

Hi OP, what is it that you want? Final goal? Him to leave his wife ? If so, has tonight's behaviour changed that, or do you believe it's just the situation that makes him behave so badly towards you?

All I keep thinking is I hope his wife is not still sleeping with him and got tested for stds. He has no respect for either of you op.

Rose made a really good post there, Heart. Summon up all the strength you have inside you and leave this man...no contact, ever. You can build up your sense of worth again, and one day you will meet someone who will stay at your side and committed to YOU, not scurrying away like a rat in the night. It will be so hard to leave, but it DOES get easier and it is the ONLY way for you to have a happier life.

Whether she's better than you or not , your MM thinks she is. And that's the point , he doesn't want you in his life permanently. He doesn't want to live with you , marry you , publicly acknowledge you , and he doesn't want you being step mum to his kids. You are for fucking , for doing dirty things with and then leaving , as you have described. You know this , which is why you indicated you didn't really want sex unless he was going to stay.

For those who found my comment shocking , feel free to debate that MM doesn't think his wife is better . Presuming the wife doesn't have to degrade herself sexually to spend time with him.

You have said you are in too deep, and that is quite clear. From the moment you suggested that you would want to take your relationship further, you are going to be feeling more 'open' to him and vulnerable, so things that would otherwise not have been as much of an issue are likely to become it.

I think the key is that you need to clarify exactly where you stand. Ignore all the shrillness upthread, there are many long term successful relationships that start as affairs. But there has to be a genuine desire from the married party to build a 'proper' relationship, not just a situation where he or she is caving to the lover's demands.

I suggest you sit down and talk to him, and then try if at all possible to be honest with yourself as to where exactly he stands, and what he is going to do (immediately, not in the long term) about it. Make it clear that you are no longer OK with no strings sex, but don't lie to yourself that he wants a relationship 'eventually' and let yourself be strung along.

Well, fuck a man who is not your partner? Get what you deserved.

Perhaps you will be lucky enough for him to leave his DW and then you can have all the lovely anal sex you want, without feeling microscopic.

My heart bleeds.

Well this is all quite unedifying. I agree that some of the responses have been way, way WAY beyond the pale. Laughing and joking about the anal sex - which has clearly distressed the OP - is vile behaviour and I'm saying that as a woman whose XH cheated on her for years, so I have no "OW agenda"

OP - this relationship you are engaged in will only lead you to pain. You will never be able to foster a normal, loving partnership with this man. I think that me banging on about the wife and children will have zero impact on you - but I can tell you that even in the "best case scenario" in which he leaves them for you... You will have YEARS of damage to make up for, he will probably resent you for forcing the issue and losing his children, and you will resent him for pining after all that he once had.

Delete his number from your phone, delete every text message you have ever received, delete his email address. Go no contact. Save yourself.

Why did you think you meant something to him?

Do you think this man thinks of you any higher than the woman he married and had children with?

The only person who means anything to this man is him.

He is happy as long as he gets what he wants.

Push him too far and watching him dump you like a hot potato rather than upset his cushy life.

He will just move onto the next woman stupid to have sex with him because it is 'love'.

I mean engage in meaningful/filthy/forgetable coitus with whomever you like.

Try and make it with someone who actually sees you than more than an easy lay with whom he can indulge his sexual whims.

I may not like what you are doing but surely you are worth much more than being a fuck he can do whatever he wants to?

I hope you are.

Presuming the wife hasn't got to DEGRADE herself sexually to spend time with him ????

Jesus Christ ballerina or whatever your name is! Go back to your vipers neat set in the 1950s !

Heartshaped, I am sorry you feel like you feel. We all make mistakes and sometimes one of these mistakes is to fall for a man who is already taken. That doesn't make you a bitch and it definitely does not make his wife a saint. All I can suggest is to tell him how it made you feel and also to ask him what future does he think your relationship has. I was OW once and I am now with the former MM who yes, did leave his wife. (Go on, feel free to throw the stones!).
I never had the guts to ask him where was relationship was going and I suffered longer than necessary.
Not everything is black and white in life.