Should I tell DH about past relationship with old friend before he comes to stay?

[GladitsnotJustMe]

I have an old friend coming to stay with me and DH. He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and DH has never met him.

When we were young, many many years ago, we had a 'friends with benefits' type relationship. We slept together a few times, but decided we were happier as friends, especially as he lived abroad. He is now happily married with 2 children, and our past is not an issue between us at all.

DH doesn't know about our past. Should I tell him?

I'm worried that if I tell him, it might upset DH and put him on edge. However, I'm also worried that if I don't tell him, it might slip out when my friend socialises with my family (who know about our past), or it might just be obvious, and I don't want DH to feel upset at all.

What would be the best thing to do?

" they only stopped shagging when the guy went abroad and not because it fizzled"

This is SUCH an innacurate reading of the OP and the repeated explanations of the OP. They were never in a relationship TO 'fizzle out'.

Sorry, I should be clear:

If the OP asks the guest to lie or omit, or in any other way pretend that the past didn't happen, that would be a charade, which I would not be uncomfortable with.

It would be lying to some innocent bloke who's roof I would be staying under as a guest of his hospitality. As I said, that would not sit well with me. Because, if I were in a similar position to DH, I'd want to be told in advance.

As the ex FWB, I would probably say to OP " If DH asks me, I'm telling him. I thought OP said" or something like that

My two cents.

I would cancel the visit. It's not worth risking disharmony in your primary relationship.

Whoops! *would not be comfortable with.

Just imagine the reverse: "AIBU to be upset that my 'D'H invited his former fuck buddy to stay with us without telling me about their history, and is refusing to cancel now I've found out?" Cue cries of emotional abuse, LTB, etc...

It's about honesty and respect, people. I can't believe some of you think this is OK. No wonder there are so many divorces these days!

My gob is well and truely smacked by some of the views on this thread.

I am good friends with several exes, as is my DH.

My ex-boyfriend drove me to the church when we got married. He stays with us for one week a year on holiday during which sometimes just the two of us go out together.

DH's ex-girfriend also comes to stay with us with her children, and DH goes to visit her. She came to our wedding. They also go away together to College Reunion events.

DH worked for his other ex-girlfriend (the one that directly preceeded me) for three months while we were together. So they spent days and days alone together.

Somehow we all managed not to have sex with each other, or to undermine our marriage for it to ever be an issue of any kind.

All this bullshit about the sanctity of the marital home, marital breakfast table, OP risking her marriage made me think we had gone back to Elizabethan times let alone the 1950s!

Genuinely, what am I missing?

And the reverse aibu isn't AIBU to be upset that my 'D'H invited his former fuck buddy to stay with us without telling me about their history, and is refusing to cancel now I've found out?

It's AIBU to be worried that my husband left out an irrelevant detail in his sexual history (as have I) and has only now told me that a friendship included a very short-lived sexual element nearly a decade ago

Slight difference in tone there.

I love the breakfast table ones

Other people's breakfasts are clearly much more exciting than those in the Inferiority Complex. We rise to chocolate croissants sometimes...

"Or are Proper Married Wives so in tune with their Married Husbands that they think as one?"

Yes (mother) they are!

Clearly not a situation you find yourself in.

I think its fair to say that different people have different views on this !
I also think some people are being a bit obtuse about the whole thing.
No one is saying that she should be a fifties housewife about it, or bowing to her man's male ego etc etc.
Some people are ok with ex partners fuck buddys, some are not - that's a fact !
The op is not sure of his reaction, especially as she omitted to divulge that bit of information first.
He may be fine with it.
We need the OP to get her finger out and tell him so she can report back here and we can draw a line under it.
I am with Chocolatemummy on this - if it was me, and my wife invited a former FWB over to stay, didn't tell me till the last minute and then effectively said "Oh yes, we had sex a few times, it was AAAGGEEsss ago though darling. Well hes staying and if you don't like it, fuck you!!!" I think we would be in relationship crisis territory and that's an understatement.
Not because hes an ex of any sort, but because of the total disregard of my viewpoint and feelings !
Oh and yes, I agree with some posters who make the point about what would be said if the genders were reversed. LTB would be said for sure.
Oh Well, I suppose it takes all sorts to make a world... !

Don't be silly, re the 'thinking as one'. It's quite idiotic to imply that everyone in a decent relationship knows absolutely everything about how their partner will react in any circumstance.

Personally, I'd find it also very boring.

I'm with MotherInferior and paq on this. I've a similar situation (although I don't invite/stay with the friend, but he and DH are in the same industry and often catch up) and it hadn't even crossed my mind to share my fling with DH until I read this thread, as I was so young at the time and it was so long ago (we are talking decades). But then neither DH or I are spring chickens, maybe that makes the difference. We agreed we have little interest in each other's early encounters. We are both different people now, with several relationships since.

I don't have a problem telling DH if he asks, but saying something out of the blue seems very inappropriate given it was just a fling and not a relationship. Do I need to then list all my past encounters?

Hi Mo!

I hope the OP doesn't mind us going off at a tangent while she's not about.

"decent relationship"

Is that the best you can get?

Eh?

I'm really not going to rise to this tangential baiting, just as Kalidanger didn't upthread.

The OP has already decided to tell her husband about the past.
Therefore whether to tell him or not is irrelevant now, as she has decided.

The area still under debate is what to do if he is not happy about the friend coming to stay. There is no suggestion that the issue will be that OP resumes relationship with friend, because somehow being in the same house makes them unable to resist each other. There is no suggestion that husband will hit the roof when he hears about friend being former xexuql partner.

If husband is genuinely fine about friend coming to stay, then there is no dilemma for OP.

There is only a dilemma if husband is uncomfortable about it. Minty expressed a mans view and would have had difficulties with it. Lots of people have said that we simply cannot know how husband will feel. There is no right or wrong feeling about it...it is just a feeling. So posters saying he has no right to feel aggrieved, are right that he has no right to feel put out that there is a sexual past, but I think that if he doesn't want to be confronted with that in his own home, he DOES have a right to express that feeling.

The OP can then effectively say, that the friendship is more important than husbands feelings and she still wants friend to stay, citing reasons such as he has booked the flights,mor is an old friend. This is to disrespect husbands feelings. Or she can say, okay she will ask friend to stay elsewhere and see him outside the home. This is to respect husbands feelings.

This is not just like having different views about whether to order curry or Chinese. Some posters seems to see the dilemma as the equivalent of this in its insignificance. For some people, coming face to face with a sexual past, they theoretically accept IS difficult and there is no need to force our husbands and wives to confront it if they would rather not. To insist on the friend coming to stay or to pressure the husband into agreeing to it, when he is uncomfortable, could be damaging long term. And that damage is so easily avoidable...so why do it??

For husband to say he is uncomfortable is NOT to disrespect OPs desire to see her friend. The OP can still see her friend. It would not be the equivalent of OP insisting on friend staying.

So the choice (if husband is unhappy about friend staying, which he might not be anyway) is simply to prioritise own desires, recognsing that will hurt husband, or husbands feelings.

Choosing husbands feelings is not suggesting her past is something to be ashamed of, or that she and friend can't be trusted in same room. It is just saying that husband is now the key relationship and she respects him and is willing to put his feelings first over this single issue. Sends a loud and clear message either way, about the value the OP places on husbands feelings.

"We need the OP to get her finger out and tell him so she can report back here and we can draw a line under it."

Well, that's up to her, really.

PAQ, you asked what you were missing.
You said you are happy with partners exes in the home. Great! That's Fi e for them to be there then.

The point tis that not everyone is comfortable with it. That doesn't make them old fashioned or controlling. It just means they would rather not be reminded too much of a sexual past, that they already know and accept existed.

We are all uncomfortable about different things. Here are some samples I have read about on Mumsnet. Some seem very trivial to me, because they are not my concerns, but they are of some people. For some people it is having meat in the house, for others it is letting workmen poo in their toilet, for others it is having a silent house without the TV on, for others it is people wearing their shoes inside, for others is is different levels of uncleanliness. We don't all feel the same way about these things. We might disagree with other people, but in our own homes, we have a right to express our opinions. And in a close relationship, I think we can expect that when we have strong feelings about something, they are at least listened to. When they are over rare, but sensitive topics, I think we would all hope our partners would respect us and accommodate our concerns, even if they did not fully understand or agree with them.

So the fact that many people may not see a problem with having an ex staying in the house, does not mean that anyone who has a problem with it is wrong. They are entitled to feel like that and to expect some kind of recognition from their partner of their feelings.

Why can't 'husband' put her feelings first? Isn't this supposed to be two-way? If she is his key relationship, shouldn't he be happy to put her first?

I really can't imagine giving a shiny shit about someone my DH fucked a decade ago coming to stay in our house.

I understand that some people do, but it's odd to me!

Mother, you are suggesting that either allowing the other what they want is equivalent. However, it is not so in this particular situation.

What damage could be done to OP if husband request friend does not stay, because he feels uncomfortable with it? Sounds like she wouldn't fully understand, but could still see friend while he is in hotel. Might feel a bit aggrieved, but not totally surprised. If you look at her first post, you will see she thinks he might have an issue with it. Damage to her is pretty minor, and she understands in advance that he might feel like this. His attitude is not disrespecting her desire to see the friend, only that HE doesn't want to spend time with him, or at least in his house.

Potential damage caused if OP tells husband, but insists friend comes despite husband not feeling uncomfortable, is friend stays and husband has a truly horrible time and feels resentful and awkward. Under surface resentment might spoil it for Op too. After visit, resentment grows, because husband has taken from this, that OP was not willing to respect his opinion,and appreciate it was a sensitive issue for him if not her. He expects less support from her in future as a result, and is less willing to support her too. Result is relationship has been undermined and is less strong.

There is a difference.

Mother, under what circumstances would you be willing to put the wishes of your partner above your own, if not in this? What would be a valid reason for you to put their desires first? Or are you making a general point that everyone should do exactly what they want all the time, regardless of how their so-called partner feels? Doesnt sound much of a partnership to me.

No, of course I'm not. But I - like quite a few others - am disagreeing with your fundamental premise that this particular issue is one where his wishes override hers. (Putatively. He sounds, frankly, like a sensible bloke and not someone who's going to sound appalled and horrified that a few times, over a decade ago, his wife and her friend had not very fabulous sex.) You don't think friendships are very important, compared to the Husbandly Partnership; I do. I also give my partner a bit more credit than to assume he'd behave like a nettled caveman.

I was wondering mother.

Is your idea of a long term relationship, a second date?

MotherI agree that he doesn't sound like someone who will be appalled that his wife has a sexual past and is unlikely to behave like a caveman demanding she never see him again.
However, if he felt he didn't want to spend time with this guy, or he just would feel more comfortable meeting him outside their house, I don't think that would be unreasonable. You and I might not have a problem with the guy in the house, but he might. Some men will and some won't. If they do have a problem with it, I don't consider them idiots, but perhaps you do. I just accept that there can be a range of attitudes towards this and feelings about past relationships are not always logical or easy to understand, but can be complex.

I think friendships are very important, but I DO think that a spouse or lifetime relationship is more important....don't you? And when you are talking about a spouse or lifetime partner, most people would say that protecting that relationship is very important. Friendships are very important, I absolutely agree. But sometimes, in order to protect and build that lifetime relationship, which IS the most important relationship, friendships have to take a bit of a back seat. I'm not saying dump your friends or don't consider them important. However, if they have potential to damage the most important lifetime relationship, that is not good. Other friendships should not be allowed to damage the lifetime relationship. To knowingly make a decision which you realise will undermine the sense of mutual support and respect in a lifetime relationship, just seems foolish.

On many occasions, a spouse does have to take a backseat because of other friendships. You may choose to go on holiday with friends, which inconveniences lifetime partner......not damaging to relationship, so not an issue and just one of those things. However if aspects of a friendship undermine or damage the lifetime relationship, I think they should be considered very seriously and avoided if possible.....that is, if you are serious about that relationship being a lifetime one!

I think the OP failing to respect her husbands views (if and only if he isn't happy to have friend in house) is more potentially damaging to their marriage, than husband failing to say with honesty, that he is happy to have this guy in the house, if he isn't. That is why I think in this case, his wishes should override hers and she should see why that is so. I'm sure that in many other circumstances, what she wants is more important than what he wants and he would be happy to put her wishes first.

I think long term relationships are built through mutual respect, love and putting the other person first....not because we have to, but because we want to, because we love the other person. There can be upward growth in a relationship, where someone behaves like this, makes the other person feel loved and valued, which enables them to reciprocate that love and putting the other first......which builds the other one up and allows them to reciprocate......a virtuous upwards cycle.

On the other hand, there can be a downwards cycle too. Demanding ones own way, putting oneself always first, showing disrespect......all makes the other feel less loved and supported and means they are unable to love and support the other person so much......downwards vicious cycle.

Things which build the other person up =good and to be encouraged.
Things which reduce the sense of respect, love and understanding=bad and to be avoided if possible.

Final point.
Relationships are under pressure all the time. We know how many end in divorce and how many unmarried couples split up too.
If we are in relationships which we value and want to last, they need work and we need to be aware of the many things which can weaken them and guard against them. I am absolutely convinced that the lifetime relationship should be given priority, viewed as important and given the effort they require to flourish, rather than dwindle away.

Little things and big things build and weaken relationships. If in doubt about the impact something will have, go for the option least likely to damage that all important relationship.

You can see I highly value the lifetime relationship/marriage. I realise not everyone does.....but I think most people do.