Should I tell DH about past relationship with old friend before he comes to stay?

[GladitsnotJustMe]

I have an old friend coming to stay with me and DH. He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and DH has never met him.

When we were young, many many years ago, we had a 'friends with benefits' type relationship. We slept together a few times, but decided we were happier as friends, especially as he lived abroad. He is now happily married with 2 children, and our past is not an issue between us at all.

DH doesn't know about our past. Should I tell him?

I'm worried that if I tell him, it might upset DH and put him on edge. However, I'm also worried that if I don't tell him, it might slip out when my friend socialises with my family (who know about our past), or it might just be obvious, and I don't want DH to feel upset at all.

What would be the best thing to do?

Hmm, I dunno.

"However, if he felt he didn't want to spend time with this guy, or he just would feel more comfortable meeting him outside their house, I don't think that would be unreasonable."

I have a female friend who shares an interest with DH. I know she's his "type". I don't feel "comfortable" about them going to do the interest together but I'm well aware that's not a reasonable reaction and it's countered perfectly well in my head by my judgement of his and her characters and their feelings about me. DH knows both my feeling and my logic on the matter. I actually think I would be unreasonable to place any conditions on their meetings.

Abbykins, do stop trying to goad me. It's just making you look silly.

Mother, out of interest, IF the husband is uncomfortable about the friend coming to stay, but OP insists he comes, what effect do you think it will have on their relationship in the short and long term?

And what impact do you think it will have if OP accepts his feelings and asks friend to stay nearby in hotel, in the short and long term?

mother dear

Chocolate is displaying wisdom that would put Solomon to shame.

Listen and learn.

How the hell do I know? I'm not a fortune-teller! He could remain huffy...or he could realise that it isn't a major deal, that actually this bloke is rather nice and that their friendship poses no threat to him. Conversely, if he bars the poor chap from his home, the OP might find she really resents what she feels (reasonably or not) is a prurience and suspicion about an important friendship. I have no idea.

having only ever hgad one FWB and then went on to marry his best friend who knew we were FWB when I first met him, this would never be an issue in our house, as DH has much bigger dibs on him than I ever did, but...

I don't think you are disrespecting your DH by having him stay, you are definitely not breaking the "forsaking all others" bit of your vows unless you intend on rekindling your benefits when he stays and though I can understand your reticence about him finding out and it suddenly becoming more of a deal than it ever was, I would keep schtumm and if it does come out thanks to your gobby relatives, then tell him it wasn't a big deal, it was aeons in the past and before you met him and you felt no need to drag it up as it means nothing and would place more emphasis on it than there really is. If he is a) intelligent, b) trusts you implicitly and c) an adult then he will understand.
I am at some of the attitudes on here.

given that the options were for the OP to go and hire a cottage with the friend, or the friend to come and stay at theirs, if the husband does feel weird about it, then surely better to have the friend under his roof than the two of them off in a cosy country cottage somewhere?

friends close and enemies closer and all that?

Kalidanger, this is a forum for adult discussion. We can agree to disagree surely.
Sorry, but don't know what the abbreviation you used as reference to me means.

Chocolate you're sounding like a surrendered wife. I do put my relationship with DH first, but tat doesn't mean its necessary to always avoid even discussing something that may cause conflict.

And when something sensitive is discussed and we are on different sides of the argument we keep calm and decide between us what to do. You know, like adults. Rather than sacrificing everything to never risking the relationship and letting a mountain of resentment build up.

there is agreeing to disagree and being a smug git, which is how abi is coming across with her passive aggressive "dear"

I put my relationship with my DH first in that I married him and share my life with him, but it doesn't mean I don't have a past, and friendships, that are equally as important to me as my relationship with him, as one kind of dictates the other.

abi stop calling people dear, it's PA, goady and totally unnecessary.

Mother, surely it's important to have an idea of the consequences of our actions, before we choose them.

The OP needs to think through how her response to husband possibly feeling awkward about friend staying, will impact in their relationship. She cannot know for sure, but certainly needs to consider the possibilities and let them influence her decision. Surely the key to deciding how to react in any circumstance is to think through the consequences. Don't you do that? do you just act based of a feeling of the moment?

I set out what I considered to be the likely outcomes of the 2 options she has, if he says he's uncomfortable with friend staying. I suggested that going with how husband felt (which isn't saying he demanded friend doesn't stay, perhaps jut expressed a feeling of being uncomfortable with it....more reasonable and likely, considering he doesn't sound like to type to go around insisting on stuff) was less likely to create problems in the relationship later. That is why it seemed the best option.

Is the key thing in all this to protect their relationship? That's what I see as the crucial thing here....but perhaps you see the key issue as something different.

lacka

Calling me a “smug git” is what?

Friendly?

Lacka

I am genuinely interested so please respond.

What (friendship/s) do you have that are as important as your relationship with your husband?

Mines, I agree that discussion and reaching agreement together is important. Most decisions should be reached like that. There are few situations when someone needs to make significant sacrifices really.

I guess my comments are in the context of the OP having decided to tell husband about the nature of the relationship with friend in the past, but also having said she really wasnt keen to tell friend he couldn't stay. Ie she seemed unprepared if necessary,not really deal with husband having difficulty with friend staying....ie putting what she wanted above what husband wanted, despite recognising it could be a sensitive issue for husband.

I was not saying wives should always do what husbands want. As you say, discussion and mutual agreement is the best way forward. Occasionally though, people want different things. Men equally can and do choose to put their women's desires before their own. Give and take eh!

Having said all that, I think that having an attitude that you are prepared to put your other half above yourself is a good general principle, although not applied to every situation. Having an attitude about rights and wanting things all your own way and being worried the other person is having more than their fair share of things their way, doesn't seem conducive to a good relationship to me.

Looks like a few people here rate their friendships on an equal par to their relationships. Not sure if these relationships are regarded as 'lifetime and permanent' or not, or if that affects the priority people give to their relationship.

In my book, my husband is my no1 adult relationship. I have lots of friends and several very good ones, but they are different and lesser than my relationship with my husband, with whom I share my life fully now and intend to do so into the future. I am close to some friends, but not so close, partly because those other relationships are not sexual, partly because we have not made lifetime commitments to each other, partly because we don't live together and as our lives progress, the nature of our friendship may grow or weaken according to circumstances. So it is different.

I hope to maintain my close friendships for many years and do have friends I have known for 30 years and hope to know for another 30. But my husband is my life partner, journeying along the same path as myself and our children. The decisions of one of us, affect us both, for good or ill because we are a unit. This isn't true in the same way of other friendships.

No doubt I have done lots of things which have hurt the relationship I have with my husband. I have been selfish many times. He is very caring and an d I can see that he really wants the best for me and tries to put me first. His attitude towards me has shown me what love can be like. He makes me feel supported, respected, valued and that he is always 'for' me and I want to treat him like that too, even if I don't always manage it, because I love him, not because I have to.
Relationships can break down easily. The divorce rates and break up rates tell us that. Maintaining a relationship (if that is what we want to do) involves protecting against things which can damage it, such as lack of time spent together, lack of respect shown to each other etc.

I want to be with my husband still in 40 years time and beyond. We work most things through together. When we can't and have different views, there are times when he will happily go with what I want and times when I go with what he wants. We are happy to do it and don't see it as having 'lost' in a battle. We are both in the same team.

I would definitely not tell him you were friends with benefits. Suggests a very sexual relationship. Maybe just say that you saw each other for a couple of weeks and it wasn't a big deal, obviously not compatible, but thought you should fill hubby in.

Chocolate: that argument could also explain a very sad case I'm very close to where a father has stopped seeing his adult children because his (new) wife has problems with them (jealousy etc). Putting your spouse's feelings first isn't inherently the right thing to do.

The op should be prepared to consider other options but her dh should be prepared to meet her halfway

Mines, yes I did make clear that I was saying it isn't always right to put the others feelings first. I said, generally, it is good to work things through together. There are times though where there is a difference of opinion and someone has to be willing to either compromise significantly or let the other half have what they want. Clearly, JUDGEMENT needs to be applied to each issue, rather than a blanket rule.
Doesn't sound like the OP or her husband have such extreme or odd views, that one choosing to go with what the other would like, will create a problem.

I expect the husband WILL be prepared to meet her half way. I don't imagine he is gone to go 'caveman' as some people have called it and insist that wife never sees friend again. There has never been any suggestion of that. He may be willing to have the friend to stay, or to meet him in a pub for a meal, if he stays elsewhere, or prefer not to see him but understand OP wants to spend time with him.

He is 'on the back foot' as it were. The information about the past is bei g given to him late In The day, after the invitation has been issued. It is difficult for him now. He knows this is a good friend of wife, but he may find it surprising that she is mentioning past now, rather than earlier before invitation was issued. OP can see and has says she wished she had told him earlier, and can see that this is not ideal. It is partly a recognition of this, and the fact that she could have done things differently, as well as the potential for damage, which disregarding his (possible)feelings on a sesisitive issue could cause, which means IN THIS PARTICULAR case she should be willing to rearrange friend if necessary.

I'm sure there have been other times and will be other times again, when they will work things through together and when husband will happily let her have her way.

Anyway, I think I have said enough here and been quite clear.

I hope the OP works it through with her husband.

And to everyone else, in Their relationships, I wish you all well . I have been amazed by some views expressed here. Amazed that people want to argue until they are blue in the face, that they are right in wanting their own way, regardless of how their partner feels. That they are unwilling to recognise that a sexual past, suddenly brought very close, can be sensitive. Seemingly unable to base their current decisions on the likely consequences, or even to consider what the consequences might be....or to care. Seeing their relationship as some kind of power struggle, where you can either win by getting your way, or lose by letting the other person have their way. Not seeing that putting someone else first sometimes, is a sign of strength in a relationship, not of being a doormat or subservient to men. And that people seem to place low value on their lifetime relationship...not seeing it as special or more significant than the other relationships in their life. Perhaps it is this last one, and the implications of it for how people react to situations that surprises me most.

Still, it takes all types etc etc and as ever, mumsnet continues to enlighten me about different views to my own.
It does make me question my own ideas and sometimes to revise them, but not in this case, where I hold to my view that with the OP putting her husband in a difficult position by telling him late in the day about the former nature of her friendship and out of respect for his feelings and her desire to build rather than damage their relationship, that in this case (and this doesn't mean she has to do the same in other situations) she should be willing to rearrange the visit if (and it is a big if, because husband might not be bothered at all) her husband is uncomfortable with it.

OP if you have any sense you will do what is right for you and DH and your relationship, and not have your ex fuck-buddy to stay in your home. Its actually ok to put your partner's feelings 1st to be able to do that doesn't make you a lesser person, it makes you a better person. If you don't respect your relationship, who will? Certainly not women who will encourage you to hide sensitive info from your DH when in RL they probably wouldn't dare broach this subject with their own DHs and would absolutely hit the roof should the tables be turned and the DH tried that on them. There's nothing wrong with respecting your relationship before all others and it may be an idea not to let others convince you that it is, and that your DH would be a fool if he feels upset, or jealous. They are human emotions.

See the ex fuck-buddy if you must but let him stay elsewhere, not in your home. Don't bring situations into your home and relationship where it could somehow look as if you have something to hide if info you have omitted comes out. You only have to look at the Relationships board on MN to see that its a road to disaster.

Christ, there are some right sanctimonious twats on here!