Should I tell DH about past relationship with old friend before he comes to stay?

[GladitsnotJustMe]

I have an old friend coming to stay with me and DH. He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and DH has never met him.

When we were young, many many years ago, we had a 'friends with benefits' type relationship. We slept together a few times, but decided we were happier as friends, especially as he lived abroad. He is now happily married with 2 children, and our past is not an issue between us at all.

DH doesn't know about our past. Should I tell him?

I'm worried that if I tell him, it might upset DH and put him on edge. However, I'm also worried that if I don't tell him, it might slip out when my friend socialises with my family (who know about our past), or it might just be obvious, and I don't want DH to feel upset at all.

What would be the best thing to do?

No, all she's trying to work out is how to drop it tactfully into the conversation that she and her friend had the odd shag years ago!

He isn't her 'ex'. He's a friend with whom she had occasional sex.

Well, we have interpreted what the OP is saying slightly diffferently.

As many posters have said, the issue isn't whether he was a 'proper' boyfriend or not, or how long ago it was, or that she has a sexual past. The issue is how the husband feels about having breakfast with someone who has had sex with his wife, however long ago. It might be an issue for him or it might not. If you were in this situation, you clearly would be just 'telling' husband this person was coming over and not interested in their feelings about it. I do think the OP is interested in how her husband feels. She really wants to see the friend, but can see potential issues.

Anyway, time for me to go.
OP I hope the conversation with your husband goes well and that both of you are able to move forward happily, feeling respected and loved. I'm sure it is possible, so best of luck with that conversation.

Some interesting food for thought there.

He most definitely isn't my ex - just wanted to reiterate that.

If my partner told me to cancel him that would say quite a lot about the respect he gave my feelings, and would surely cause resentment in me. this resonated with me - as did most of what motherinferor posted.

However, I do appreciate and agree with a lot of what Chocolate has said too. I do respect my DHs feelings, would hate for him to feel 'lied to' in any way, and will certainly tell him.

However, if he were to insist that I didn't see this friend, that would be a different issue. I don't think he will though, my DH is a reasonable bloke.

But cancelling just isn't an option. He's coming from overseas. He's in one part of the UK for his work, and is then coming over to our part of the country for the weekend. This has been planned with full discussion with DH (although granted he doesn't know about our history yet). There was the option for me to go alone to visit my friend up north where he's staying for work, but I persuaded him to come south to stay with us so he could meet DH.

Cancelling now, just because DH wasn't happy that I've shagged this bloke years ago, would not only be embarrassing, but damaging for all the relationships involved.

But like I said, I hope it won't come to this, hopefully DH can laugh about it.

I'll keep you posted

I think personally you must be bonkers to play with your perfectly good relationship. I also think your bonkers to say calling his visit off to your house is a no no. Give your husband a bit more respect.
The was he an ex etc etc is academic. Wake up.
Chocolate has a lotta sense here. But of course its your decision to live with no one here will help you if things turn sour. Sorry.

I'd say something along the lines of: "look, lovely sensible DH, you know my friend who's coming to stay? You should probably know we once had a bit of a drunken fling - it was about a million years ago but I realised I'd never mentioned it before. It was long before he met his wife and I met you. And obviously it was all a bit of a disaster and we realised we just were much better off as friends."

YY motherinferior, that's exactly what I'd say too. And, if DH said it to me, I'd be fine with it.

And actually no, I don't think going all caveman about other previous sexual partners is particularly acceptable. Or, indeed, workable for many of us

OP - if your husband wasn't happy would you really insist on this visit going ahead? Surely asking your friend to stay over in a hotel instead, if (and I say if) your husband was a bit concerned, would be a reasonable compromise all round for the sake of your husband's feelings? It seems very much all about you and your friend and sod any possible feelings your husband might have.

Mother - so, you are suggesting the OP lies to her husband, because this wasn't just a drunken fling, was it? And if the friend, during the visit, makes it clear it wasn't just a one-off drunken incident, then the OP is going to made to look an even bigger liar and then I think her husband may be less reasonable in his reaction!

I think quite a few of us are saying minimise it!

And saying "no, you cannot stay under this roof because a decade a go we had a couple of sexual encounters" strikes me as really bizarre. What's supposed to happen? Is the OP's DH supposed to feel his domestic sphere has been tainted by strange pheromones or something?

Back again.

As far as Im concerned, there is no 'telling' each other what to do in grown up relationships. This shouldn't be a case of the husband saying 'he can't come' nor should the OP be saying 'well I don't care, he's coming'. Those who are very keen to assert their rights and make sure that their partner doesn't have a say in what they do, miss the point of finding ways through things together, and being willing and happy to put the others needs above ones own sometimes, when important things come up.

Great that the OP is going to tell husband. That's important. It may not be a big deal to him, but it might. He might be surprised himself about how he feels about, so it's hard for us or even the OP to predict. What I find rather sad is that the OP is not prepared to put her husbands feelings before her desire to see the friend, if it is necessary. And I think he would be gutted to realise this......there's a general principle here, as well as this specific issue.

It may all work out fine and I hope it does, but I wouldn't take that risk, as others have also said. The risk isn't just in terms of the impact of telling husband that the friend is definitely coming, regardless of how he feels, but also I. Terms of the wider, bigger message it sends him about where, as husband he comes in the Ops priorities.

Mother - the difference is, so many people KNOW that it wasn't a drunken fling but a FWB 'arrangement', that it would be very easy for it to come out during his visit, which is why I think minimising it could, admittedly only potentially, backfire.

It doesn't actually matter that YOU think it's bizarre. There are some on this thread, like you, for whom it wouldn't seem bizarre. There are others on the thread who have said they wouldn't be happy about it in the OP's husband's position. But I do think that if the husband DOES feel unhappy then the OP should respect her husband's feelings, even if she doesn't understand them.

It may all work out fine and I hope it does, but I wouldn't take that risk, as others have also said. The risk isn't just in terms of the impact of telling husband that the friend is definitely coming, regardless of how he feels, but also I. Terms of the wider, bigger message it sends him about where, as husband he comes in the Ops priorities.

X2

I wonder if there is a difference of opinion on here, depending in the kind of relationships posters are in.

For many, marriage is seen as permanent and lifelong. For many unmarried people too, relationships are permanent. This means that as far as those involved are concerned, their husband/partner is their last sexual partner. They feel they have made promises which involve putti g the needs of their spouse before their own (doesnt mean being a doormat or submissive....but something people enter into happily and reciprocally) and that this relationship is more significant and to be prioritised above other relationships. It doesn't mean that there were never earlier relationships, but that this one is different and more important

For others, their current relationship is not intended to be permanent. They see this partner as one of many, or that there will be others in future. If you think there will be others in future, the level of commitment is probably less, as is the importance of putti g the other person first. If there is a sense that the partner is not totally committed in terms of lifetime commitment, this perhaps makes the other person behave more defensively and to insist on their rights, rather than being able to put the other person first.

It might sound corny, but I think it's right that in many ways, married people become one. At that point, looking after and out for your spouse is exactly the same as looking out for yourself. It isn't just yourself that has to be protected sometimes from outside issues, but the relationship itself.

I don't expect everyone will agree with what I say here. Im just trying to understand how anyone can say that they are with their lifelong partner, but are going to pursue a course of action regardless of whether it is hurtful to them or not.

I find your posts really insightful Chocolate

I certainly won't pursue something if DH is genuinely hurt and upset by it, but I would endeavour to explain the situation to him properly. I just hope it won't come to that, but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

I still agree with everything mother is saying though, I think there are very different views of what's acceptable on this thread. Trouble is, I don't quite know yet where DH falls on this spectrum.

I think you should just be honest now rather than anything come out later after hes stayed or during his visit. Then your OH has chance to get his feelings put across.

Gosh, my DH has had some female friends since school, I suppose he's probably quite likely to have had sex with at least one of them in the years before I came along, he was in his mid thirties!
I don't care, I don't need him to tell me which ones, that is his business, I'm happy to have them in my home, and I'm happy for him to go stay with them when on business without me if they're in the city he's going to.

The past is the past and it doesn't matter now. I don't think you should tell him, even though I see you've decided to. If I were him it'd make me feel awkward!

Well best wishes with it all. If you can make clear to your husband that his feelings are really important to you and that you will respect and act on them, Im sure you can move forward from this positively. In fact, in a similar way to this whole thing having the potential to send a negative message about where he stands in your priorities, if you handle this right, it could really build your relationship and give you a greater sense of the respect and love you have for each other.
Best wishes xx

Well he obviously didn't think you were purer than the driven snow, when you got together, so I don't see why he would be devastated and beat his chest and get all caveman-like, shouting "Not in my house!" if a previous shag comes to stay. The word is "previous". It's in the past. There will be no illicit wandering into the other's bedroom at night. I'm still good friends with some of my previous shags, who may or may not come to stay. It's simply not an issue.

Should I have told DH which of the wedding guests I'd had fun with as well?

Completely agree with MI. Some of you sound utterly bonkers

No more advice.

Had to re-register.

Want to keep an eye on this one.

Very impressed with the neo hippy types who shag like it's 1963

Schnitzel
I think all most people are saying is that the OP shouldn't try to hide it. She is in a situation where she is concerned that it will "come out" somehow. Most people are saying that it would be best to be up front about it (better to have been up front from the beginning but, we are where we are, so to speak) and give the husband the full facts so he can give his own fully informed opinion, rather than find out from a third party something that may NOT be important to the two parties concerned but MAY make him feel that there was some kind of deception going on.
What's wrong with that ?
Of course, there is the follow on question of what the OP does if the husbands reaction is less than favourable. She seems fairly confident that he would be ok with it - if so then everything's solved - she has "come clean" and there are no secrets, everyone's happy! However, if he is not - and you cannot dismiss his "feelings" (it's got nothing to do with male "chest beating" by the way - there are plenty of females who have posted that they would be upset if it was them) - then she has to figure out how she reacts to that - and it could be a BIG call.
OP obviously has some doubts, despite her protestations, that he could react badly, otherwise she wouldn't even be on here asking the question. As others have said, if she disregards his objections she would be sending him a clear message. Again he might be ok with it -or he might not.

I wouldn't care less who my OH had a sexual history with, I wouldn't want them staying over in my home though. I don't want to be that modern, thanks.

OP you certainly do have a dilemma. How will you feel if you tell your DH and he doesn't want your friend to stay? In fact, does he really have to stay with you? Sounds as if it may cause some issues if he does and the hassle may not be worth it, really.

He's your closest,dearest friend AND you have a sexual history.

My DP would hit the roof at not being upfront about it.