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Original poster

Should I tell DH about past relationship with old friend before he comes to stay?

293 replies

GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 12:47

I have an old friend coming to stay with me and DH. He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and DH has never met him.

When we were young, many many years ago, we had a 'friends with benefits' type relationship. We slept together a few times, but decided we were happier as friends, especially as he lived abroad. He is now happily married with 2 children, and our past is not an issue between us at all.

DH doesn't know about our past. Should I tell him?

I'm worried that if I tell him, it might upset DH and put him on edge. However, I'm also worried that if I don't tell him, it might slip out when my friend socialises with my family (who know about our past), or it might just be obvious, and I don't want DH to feel upset at all.

What would be the best thing to do?

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 15/04/2014 06:44

Chocolate dh and I sometimes posh each others' boundaries because its a lie long commitment.

I a close friend which this thread would be horrified by me seeing, and if I want expecting dh to last I would have put the friendship on ice. But I am and ending the friendship entirely would upset me. DH knows this so doesn't ask it of me.

kalidanger · 15/04/2014 07:50

Hope it went OK, OP :)

I'm of the view that I'd much prefer my partner to be the kind if person who would be cool with this. The idea that a DP who couldn't bear to sit in the same room as someone I'd had sex with would have some funny ideas about 'purity' and Madonna/whore stuff, and that would make me uncomfortable.

My exDP and I invited his exDP and her DP to a party and they declined, saying it would be weird. I guess I understood where they were coming from (kind of) but their reaction was the weird part about it, for me and DP. We were all happily apart/together.... where was the weirdness? Confused

abbykins3 · 15/04/2014 08:11

Well Kali,I don't see the word husband in your post and many mentions of ex's.

So partners of convenience rather than a long term commitment?

kalidanger · 15/04/2014 08:25

My point still stands. Relationships don't magically turn into places where no one has a past because you get married.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 15/04/2014 08:31

Holy mother of what the fuck?

I would tell DH.
I would not expect him to have any issue with it.
I would enjoy my weekend with my friend and my husband.

Hope it is just as straightforward for you, OP.

NotNewButNameChanged · 15/04/2014 08:33

Agreed, Kali. But relationships SHOULD be places where you respect the feelings of your partner if they aren't happy about something. Most of us are fully aware that our partners had prior sexual history. But it is perfectly acceptable if a partner feels unhappy about having a close friend staying over that their partner used to fuck to ask said close friend to stay in a hotel.

Thetallesttower · 15/04/2014 08:33

Yes, but the OP hasn't been upfront and honest about her past, has she?

I don't mind meeting my husband's exes from a long time ago at social events, no biggie. I wouldn't necessarily want one of them staying in my house for a few days, though, especially as they only stopped shagging when the guy went abroad and not because it fizzled.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 15/04/2014 08:37

I totally wouldn't say anything.

And if anyone mentions it I'd say oh yes that was aeons ago, I never think about it, we were young and it meant nothing.

Vickyb2206 · 15/04/2014 08:37

I personally wouldn't even mention it as it's just going to cause aggro. What he doesn't know cannot hurt him and as this relationship was long before him I can't see any reason why he would need to know :) x

NotNewButNameChanged · 15/04/2014 08:40

Of course, everyone will say their response would be identical, but I can't help doing the usual MN wondering of whether every single answer on the thread would be the same if the scenario was that the poster was male and it was a female close friend who was the former FWB and he had kept it from his wife until said friend arrived.

Sorry, as you were Grin

angeltulips · 15/04/2014 08:50

Gosh I would HIT THE ROOF if my husband told me I couldn't have someone to stay I'd previously shagged & was now friends with. What a strange idea...if he can accept that you're great friends now, surely the prior sex thing is irrelevant I can barely remember which friends I hooked up with before meeting my dh but there are definitely some

If you think your friends are likely to tease you about it then I'd mention it to him, otherwise NO WAY. It's not his business (unless he specifically asks ofc - I wouldn't lie about it) and irrelevant to your relationship.

Also, if he knows you're great friends from last years and hasn't asked whether you ever got it on, he probably knows you got it on...that's what I would assume about any of my husband's old female friends (unless he specifically pointed out nothing happened).

ChocolateWombat · 15/04/2014 08:59

Thinking about the general principle here rather than this specific issue, I think we would all like to feel that our other halves have respect for our feelings and that if something is a big deal for us, would be willing to put our feelings and needs above their own. We all have things we are sensitive about and hope our other halves respect this.
This isn't saying we think we should have our way in every single matter. But we hope our husbands and partners know us well enough to be able to see when something is an issue for us and to just accept it, because they love us, and act accordingly.
Isn't it this which builds relationships. Isn't it being willing to sometimes put the needs of our other half above our own, that is the sign of a healthy relationship?
Regardless of how husband feels about the friend coming to stay (and he might be genuinely fine with it) he will appreciate it if the OP is very clear that IF he is not fine with it,the OP is willing to put his feelings about it first and not have this other man to stay. Otherwise, if she insistes that because the flights are booked and because he is a dear ild friend, that he MUST come and stay, husband will know that his feelings take lower priority, even ovr this sensitive issue.This perhaps is the crucial thing. It really isn't about having a sexual past, or how we feel about it. It is about how we treat our other halves.

abbykins3 · 15/04/2014 09:05

At the risk of a right flaming.(It is a cold day!!)

I wouldn't be surprised if,in a few months, we are advising the OP to LTB because he's turned in to a right cunt since he heard the news!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 15/04/2014 09:06

" poster was male and it was a female close friend who was the former FWB and he had kept it from his wife until said friend arrived."

I don't think OP kept it from her husband - they don't se to have chatted much about past sex lives except for serious relationships. I think she should mention it in a "shit, it was so long ago..." way but I think from the sound of her DH he's unlikely to be bothered (given he had no issue with the two of them going to a holiday cottage without him).

NotNewButNameChanged · 15/04/2014 09:43

Chocolate - he's coming over here anyway, not just to see the OP, so the OP saying it would be a big deal to cancel is a red herring. The only bit that potentially might change is him not being able to stay at their house, in which case he simply books a hotel for a couple of nights.

Doctrine- true, I didn't mean to imply a deliberate act of keeping something from the OP.

Itsfab · 15/04/2014 09:48

Is your friend really likely to mention your previous shags in front of your DH, Glad?

Bogeyface · 15/04/2014 09:58

Itsfab has a good point. I can hardly see the friend sitting down to dinner, turning to the DH and saying "Cor, me and your missus used to go at it hammer and tongs most weekends. I gave her a right good seeing to!"

Not very likely is it really? Unless the guy is a complete tool, he wont want it mentioned either!

abbykins3 · 15/04/2014 10:41

The OP sounds like a really nice,caring,sensitive,intelligent, articulate woman.

Shouldn’t she KNOW how her DH will react?

motherinferior · 15/04/2014 10:48

Er... she sounds lovely but she's not psychic. Or are Proper Married Wives so in tune with their Married Husbands that they think as one?

ChocolateWombat · 15/04/2014 11:02

It is impossible to know for sure how he will react. This is part of why it is a dilemma for OP. she can probably guess, but might be wrong. He might surprise even himself by his reaction.
He is very unlikely to go berserk about it. He is unlikely to absolutely demand this other guy does not come to stay. However, he may feel obliged to say he can come, when he is actually very uncomfortable about it....I expect the OP will be able to gauge if he is really feeling like that from his response. The Q is what she then does if she senses he is not entirely happy....ignore it and go ahead, or decide to ask friend to go to hotel instead, to avoid long term resentment.
I don't think there is a chance she won't see the friend at all. Surely, this is the thing she really wants. Whether he stays in her home or not, doesn't affect if she can see him, but may be helpful for husband.

Annietheacrobat · 15/04/2014 11:03

I don't think I'd mention it either. We're going on holiday in a few weeks time with another couple - one of my university friends and her husband. I spent the night the bloke in

Annietheacrobat · 15/04/2014 11:06

Posted too soon. I spent the night with the husband in the early days of university. This was several years before my friend got together with him. I wouldn't dream of mentioning it to my partner. My sexual past is very much that.

Minty73 · 15/04/2014 11:58

Registered to post this.

As a man, in the position of the visiting FWB, and assuming that the following is true:

A) that my wife knew about the history and was fine with it
and
B) that I had no current designs on OP

I think I would be extremely uncomfortable to be asked to play out this charade during my visit.

I would feel that I have been put into a position where I would be forced to bullshit the OP's DH when discussing old times.

I would also feel it is disrespectful to the innocent party, and it would not sit well with me. If I liked the bloke, how could I continue a friendship with him without the deceit hanging over us?

Other people may of course feel differently

motherinferior · 15/04/2014 12:04

It's not a charade. A charade would be if they were still locked in a passionate and illicit affair. We're talking about a few incidents when they had sex the best part of a decade, long before the current partners came on the scene.

It's actually none of his business, as several posters have pointed out (unless ione holds to the idea that the fact he currently has access to the OP's genitalia gives him some kind of retrospective droit de seigneur).

motherinferior · 15/04/2014 12:05

Best part of a decade ago, that should have read.

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