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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Today I did something truly terrible

268 replies

Holyshit58 · 12/04/2014 14:25

And I am totally horrified at my actions.

DH & I have been having marriage problems for the last year. I love him very much but I find him very controlling.
He's very critical of me & I feel like I can't do anything right.
For example, I couldn't order the curry last night, I had to wait for him to get in from work. Obviously I'm unable to use the phone- I'll only do it wrong.

Fast forward to today, we were going out together, I was supposed to drive, prearranged. I could see how difficult it was for him, noone ever does anything as well as he does.
DH proceeded to tell me slow- fast- watch your speed etc. this was continual he then told me where I should get off so we could enjoy a cup of coffee. When I dutifully pulled of he then directed me where to park Hmm

I expressed how unhappy I was with the constant commands & he apologised but got cross with me, he then told me to shut up as he'd apologised.

Once we got inside I went to find a table after 5 min DH hadn't joined me. I went looking for him and he was sat elsewhere eating & enjoying his coffee. The silent protest of a manchild.

That's when I did it.

I went.

I left him 60km from home at a service station.

Holy shit.

OP posts:
NotJustACigar · 12/04/2014 18:17

Seems like a good chance for you to get away while the kids aren't about. They can perhaps stay where they are until you're settled in somewhere new? But better yet would be to pretend to reconcile but secretly go and see a lawyer to figure out a financial plan. If he's going to try to screw you then your best bet is to start with the element of surprise.

ChishandFips33 · 12/04/2014 18:17

Do you have your own money/access to money you can drain - can you organise for your salary to go into a new account to gain some financial independence?
The start of the rest of your life could just be around the corner Wine Thanks

CarryOnDancing · 12/04/2014 18:22

I know you now have to deal with the fallout from this but your original post filled me with joy!

I'm cheering you on from the sidelines. It might be time to put even more distance between you, 60km can't be enough when he appears not to like you very much. Why give him any more of you?

Original poster
Holyshit58 · 12/04/2014 18:24

I don't have access to anything, he's been very clever with that, mostly because I can't be trusted with anything important.

I'll have to wait until the end of the school year & get my dc into a new school from September.

It's not an option to leave now I'm afraid but I've been riding out this whole year so I suppose I can dig in for a couple of more months.

How does everything get so complicated.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 12/04/2014 18:33

OP your are a LEGEND!

Please consider getting yourself to your family and dc - if they're in the UK then Women's Aid may be able to help; shouting at you and name calling is verbal abuse, and if he does it while the children are in the house then he's abusing them too emotionally.

Thanks
RandomMess · 12/04/2014 18:35

Play it cool, make your plans. presumably if he will be awful if there is any hint of you leaving you can make holiday plans with the dc to visit "home" and then just not go back or will you stay living in the same country?

Original poster
Holyshit58 · 12/04/2014 18:43

I think I know what I have to do.

I was hoping this week could be good for us but if anything it's just made everything that was hidden very transparent.

I think I've finally realised that I can't do anything else and it's futile.

( also DH just stated that " I'm a good person & I won't change for you so you can just fuck off you deaf bitch") I think perhaps the whole street is aware of my position now.

I will just concentrate in trying to eradicate myself from this marriage over the next couple of months with as little damage as possible.

At least I'll always have the memory if him stranded in the services to make me smile Grin

OP posts:
NMFP · 12/04/2014 18:47

Holyshit, I'd let him sleep on it before making any irreversible moves. He's had a shock and no small degree of humiliation. He may need time to process what has happened and what an idiot he has been.

One of my ex-s used to get into these very one-sided rants about politics which always seemed to be directed at me and I wasn't allowed an opinion. On one occasion I was driving while he banged on about it yet again, not letting me reply or have a point of view. I stopped the car, got out and walked home. On that occasion we laughed it off and he never ranted at me like that again, at least not on that topic.

Your situation does sound more serious but it could yet be the wake-up call he needs.

NMFP · 12/04/2014 18:47

sorry - x-posted.

LavenderGreen14 · 12/04/2014 18:51

He is clearly very abusive OP - would you consider calling Women's Aid? I would worry you staying in the same house as him a moment longer. Financial & emotional abuse at least isn't it?

I am sure your children will be happier to be away from such a man.

Finney2 · 12/04/2014 18:53

OP this is one of the best threads I've ever read. Good for you for leaving that useless sack of spuds sitting in the services.

Can you not at least go for a walk on your own? Have a fag (just one) and get away from the atmosphere. Please, though, give him a cheery shout of 'bye darling', before slamming the door as hard as you can.

MexicanSpringtime · 12/04/2014 19:01

Congratulations, OP, best laugh I've had in a while. But it looks like you are going to have to more sly from now on, squirrelling away money and such like to be able to start up elsewhere. You sound like you are well able for that though!

Bogeyface · 12/04/2014 19:01

I know you say you dont want to move the kids until the end of the school year but now would be a good time to get back to the UK if you would want to go back there.

As the kids are already there it makes it so much simpler, once they are in the country with you, he could prevent you moving away.

Could your family pay for your flight? You could be home within 24 hours. I know you have a job etc but this is more important.

ExitPursuedByABear · 12/04/2014 19:01

You rock. Hope you are ok.

Meerka · 12/04/2014 19:04

Suspect that once you're away you'll be so relieved not to have to put up with the endless control. Hard to leave home and suchlike but the freedom will be immense ...

Bogey's point is really good that if your children are in the UK, now is a good time to join them.

Rupertandfifi · 12/04/2014 19:13

giving off his twat aura to the cat
Brilliant.
Stay safe op

Flux700 · 12/04/2014 19:16

He's a bully 100%

I once left my DH at his works which was about an hour away from home by motorway. I'm quite an independent soul but after an hour and 15 on my own surrounded by cleeky friendship groups, I drove home. Initially I tried to find DH but then I left. I was the cross one and he was apologetic the day after. It was quite empowering

atomicyoghurt · 12/04/2014 19:25

OP have you called your family? Might be a good idea to let them know the situation. Kids are very resilient and moving in the school year is not going to damage them really.

I hate being all judgy but this is mumsnet... So phone in sick, and get yourself to your family.

hamptoncourt · 12/04/2014 19:33

Seriously OP. Just go home and join your DC.
This could be the only opportunity you get to do this and get yourself and the DC away from him.

Owllady · 12/04/2014 19:36

SOunds impossible :( no wonder you did what you did

TheGashlycrumbTinies · 12/04/2014 19:37

Good for you.

Lweji · 12/04/2014 19:59

Whatever you do, get legal advice first, particularly regarding the children. Taking off with them to another country right now could be considered parental abduction.

On the other hand, get in touch with local organisations who deal with domestic abuse.
He is controlling, emotionally abusive and financially abusive.

If you don't leave right now, do put some money away and try to find out as much as possible about the finances. He may have paperwork at home.

Offred · 12/04/2014 20:19

Excellent! Bf really laughed as well!

Itsfab · 12/04/2014 20:23

Do not show him this thread, or this site! Really bad idea and it will achieve nothing other than to cut off your source of support.

PeanutPatty · 12/04/2014 20:31

Again I agree with Llewji. If he gets wind of this it could become very nasty. His language and tone is certainly threatening. Please be careful.