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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Today I did something truly terrible

268 replies

Holyshit58 · 12/04/2014 14:25

And I am totally horrified at my actions.

DH & I have been having marriage problems for the last year. I love him very much but I find him very controlling.
He's very critical of me & I feel like I can't do anything right.
For example, I couldn't order the curry last night, I had to wait for him to get in from work. Obviously I'm unable to use the phone- I'll only do it wrong.

Fast forward to today, we were going out together, I was supposed to drive, prearranged. I could see how difficult it was for him, noone ever does anything as well as he does.
DH proceeded to tell me slow- fast- watch your speed etc. this was continual he then told me where I should get off so we could enjoy a cup of coffee. When I dutifully pulled of he then directed me where to park Hmm

I expressed how unhappy I was with the constant commands & he apologised but got cross with me, he then told me to shut up as he'd apologised.

Once we got inside I went to find a table after 5 min DH hadn't joined me. I went looking for him and he was sat elsewhere eating & enjoying his coffee. The silent protest of a manchild.

That's when I did it.

I went.

I left him 60km from home at a service station.

Holy shit.

OP posts:
HexBramble · 12/04/2014 20:35

Definitely don't show him this thread or even this website.

It'll cut off a vital support system for you OP.

You deserve happy times.
Your DC deserve to see you at your best.

Good luck.

ouryve · 12/04/2014 20:55

This thread needs to stay for your benefit, not his.

You're being amazingly strong. Seek legal advice. If there are any Women's Aid type organisations in the country you're in, contact them for advice. Tell your family. Going home for a few days to garner support, where you need it isn't such a bad idea, even if you end up staying in the country where your kids are at school, in the long term.

Your H has picked the wrong victim for his messed up little world.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/04/2014 20:59

Stay strong.

The only way you'd be happy with him is if he changed his entire personality to be someone else.

He won't.

Sending you strength.

LindyHemming · 12/04/2014 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappySunflower · 12/04/2014 21:28

As funny as this is, can I be serious for just a moment?

Please make sure that you delete your browsing/posting history and don't leave yourself logged into mumsnet.
Does he know you post here?
If so, maybe get this moved to a OTBT.

Can you find and take copies of any bank statements, investment, pension info, etc. since you expect him to be tricky, this might help should you decide to flee in a hurry.

springydaffs · 12/04/2014 22:25

So you LTB then. You marvellous woman, you Flowers

I'm upstairs in the bedroom considering smoking out of the window

I did that in the dying stages of my marriage. Until I realised:

  1. He isn't my dad so I didn't need to smoke out of the window. I could've smoked right there in front of him.

and 2. it got me hooked big time on smoking and took me years and years to stop. I'm now vaping. DON'T GO BACK. To him or smoking. (Sorry about the lecture)

Play the long game - get all your ducks in a row and slip away. Are you protected where you are (or does the man get everything Angry )? Can you divorce him in a british court?

Because divorce him you must, of course. You know what he is (a cunt) and what he'll never be (a decent non-abusive human being).

DollyTwat · 13/04/2014 00:12

Well done op, leaving the selfish arse there was the best thing you could have done. Now you need to plan your escape

I did a very similar thing to my exh, which I'd forgotten until your thread. I'd planned a night away at a spa hotel, my mum was looking after ds1 at our house. I was driving, as bed been banned for drink driving and he started his usual nit picking crap in the way to the hotel. I just stopped the car and ordered him out. Then drive to the spa hotel and had a peaceful night by myself. Was very empowering [hrin]

DollyTwat · 13/04/2014 00:13

*stupid iPhone spelling

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 13/04/2014 07:35

Wishing you all the strength you need to plan your escape. Dig deep and keep your eyes on the prize. When you feel down just imagine the feeling when you left him at the services, like a dot getting smaller and smaller...

tillyann2013 · 13/04/2014 09:52

Awesome op. Would love to know how long he sat there before he realised you'd gone.

lucidlady · 13/04/2014 09:59

He called you a "deaf bitch"? That is low, but don't let him get to you.

You are my new hero Thanks

Hope you are ok.

tigermoth · 13/04/2014 10:18

I think today you did something rather wonderful - not terrible.

It seems to have helped you see things clearly. Hpefully your dh will see this too when he has put some distance between the event.

Hope it works out for you both, but if not it sounds like you have the strength to go it alone.

tiredandsadmum · 13/04/2014 10:32

Sorry I am not prepared to read 10 pages, but good for you :) What a total twat.

ohfourfoxache · 13/04/2014 10:42

Wow. Just wow.

You're brilliant. He completely deserved to be left at the service station, what an arsehole.

He is not going to change, and, deep down, you know this.

Life is too short to be unhappy - you don't have to live like this. Please do not back down.

Groovee · 13/04/2014 10:46

Thanks well done OP. He's not going to change because he enjoys bullying you. Leaving him behind was a brave step and the first step for you. Definitely try women's aid as they will help you. You've said you work, get your own bank account and put your wages into there.

Good luck OP, your humour will get you through, and please consider taking the cat!

SJC2014 · 13/04/2014 10:48

Amazing!

beckslovestimmy · 13/04/2014 11:05

.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 13/04/2014 11:06

Today was you eureka moment wasn't it? Smile

Quinteszilla · 13/04/2014 11:16

Poor you, this sounds very difficult.

Do you have access to your own passport? Money for ticket?
Can you join your children?

Original poster
Holyshit58 · 13/04/2014 12:02

A little more right fighting this morning and a little more name calling - apparently I'm lazy because I didn't take our dd to the dr for a sore knee Hmm

DH went out to cycle & returned with a bunch of flowers.

I was SOO relieved and grateful at his sincerity that I accepted his apology... And all is right with the world again Grin

OP posts:
TheNewSchmoo · 13/04/2014 12:11

It isn't though. He had behaved appallingly, got away with it and shoes no signs of amending his ways in the future

Sending you strength as I think you may well need it in the future.

TheNewSchmoo · 13/04/2014 12:12

Shows fat fingers

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 13/04/2014 12:12

Really?

RedRoom · 13/04/2014 12:13

I'm confused about why you are joking about the flowers after he called you lazy.

He has to stop with these very personal insults. Has no one taught him how to express his feelings without resorting to nasty comments? Why tell you that you are lazy? Why not say that he is concerned about the knee and felt it should have been a priority for you?

Unless you pull him up on this, it's not going to stop- why would it? He'll think it's a perfectly acceptable way for him to express his thoughts. Only you can put a foot down here. At the moment, you are endorsing his belief that he can say what he wants so long as he says sorry afterwards. He needs to think before speaking, not afterwards.

Original poster
Holyshit58 · 13/04/2014 12:14

Am only joking! I told him in no uncertain terms that a platitude or sticking plaster is not going to work.

The flowers are currently residing in the bin where my sad DH placed them ....mehhhhhh

OP posts:
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