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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Today I did something truly terrible

268 replies

Holyshit58 · 12/04/2014 14:25

And I am totally horrified at my actions.

DH & I have been having marriage problems for the last year. I love him very much but I find him very controlling.
He's very critical of me & I feel like I can't do anything right.
For example, I couldn't order the curry last night, I had to wait for him to get in from work. Obviously I'm unable to use the phone- I'll only do it wrong.

Fast forward to today, we were going out together, I was supposed to drive, prearranged. I could see how difficult it was for him, noone ever does anything as well as he does.
DH proceeded to tell me slow- fast- watch your speed etc. this was continual he then told me where I should get off so we could enjoy a cup of coffee. When I dutifully pulled of he then directed me where to park Hmm

I expressed how unhappy I was with the constant commands & he apologised but got cross with me, he then told me to shut up as he'd apologised.

Once we got inside I went to find a table after 5 min DH hadn't joined me. I went looking for him and he was sat elsewhere eating & enjoying his coffee. The silent protest of a manchild.

That's when I did it.

I went.

I left him 60km from home at a service station.

Holy shit.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 12/04/2014 16:02

so he's not going to be worried about you?

Roshbegosh · 12/04/2014 16:02

You must think of somewhere you can go in case he turns nasty, I mean physically, he already is nasty. Will you be ok?

Either you keep on standing up for yourself or you let him destroy you. Things have to change for you OP.

Botanicbaby · 12/04/2014 16:02

OP I feel for you I know what it's like to constantly criticised & living with someone who finds fault, constantly nit-picking. It's very wearing and you were understandably at the end of your tether. You haven't done a bad thing, this is the catalyst for change for the better.

I agree with others, please don't spend the rest of the day in knots, worrying about when he gets home. Just pack an overnight bag,leave a note or text saying you're ok. Book a room somewhere for the night. Watch films, read books anything you fancy, sleep on it. Today will be over and when you wake up tomorrow you can tackle the fall-out.

Your DH should be apologising, not staying out late to worry you further. Arse.

Meerka · 12/04/2014 16:08

sounds like it's been grim a long time, holyshit

GOOD ON YA for snapping! :) You wouldn't have done this if you weren't at the end of your tether!

He won't be thinking about how desperate I am at the moment to do such a thing. He'll be more angry for himself and desperate to teach me a lesson....which is why he will drag it out for as long as possible

I think that your relationship as a -partnership- working together is long, long over sorry to say :(

KiaOraOAotearoa · 12/04/2014 16:09

OP, I think this is the end of your marriage, don't you? It was the straw that broke the camel's back, wasn't it.
Start planning an exit, I would.

IDismyname · 12/04/2014 16:11

Holy Moley! Good on you OP for what you did. He soooooo had it coming.

Take Care of yourself, though - as you say, you'll probably pay for what you did.

Just remember - don't apologise.

Lweji · 12/04/2014 16:12

If I lock him out he'll cause a huge scene

And...?

If he doesn't show up before you go to bed, how are you to know he'll even go home?

WitchWay · 12/04/2014 16:14

You say you've been having problems for the last year - were things better/different before that, or was that when you saw the light & began trying to resist his control?

It would be worth looking into your rights - as an ex-pat if you've been here a while you may have more rights than you think. Citizens' Advice Bureau website would be a possible starting point.

daisychain01 · 12/04/2014 16:17

Holyshit I think you have a lot of admiring people, including me, thinking you did well to be so strong!

Just wondering....if he is down the pub, do you think he may come back drunk? If so, Im just wondering if it may be worth you letting a trusted person in your RL know about the situation, as a precaution.

I hope to goodness you say that you are confident he wouldn't do anything stupid, but it sounds from what you are saying that he's an arsey man-child, and that, together with wounded pride, may not be a good combination.

I would suggest calming things down at least until he's sober (if he has gone down the pub, that is). Take the heat out of the situation, then when you have both got a clear head, that is the time to tackle the "bigger picture".

Sorry if I've misjudged your situation, but I have just read a thread about DV aggression due to alcohol and it is bad what drink does to some people.

Original poster
Holyshit58 · 12/04/2014 16:23

Well he's home.
And he doesn't want to talk to me ....shocker Sad

Apart from some banging and general arsiness, I'm just going to keep out of his way.

Lots of food for thought from everyone, I really have to change something.

It is very exhausting being so unhappy all the time.

OP posts:
tribpot · 12/04/2014 16:23

You seriously need a night away in a hotel, where you can just have some peace and quiet, without waiting for him to come back and cause a scene.

Why on earth did you have to drive this morning? I suspect it was for no other reason than so he could enjoy criticising you all the way there - 60km of that shit is 60km too many.

The fact that you don't even feel confident to order a takeaway shows how badly you have been undermined. I don't think there's much left to say to this man, is there?

Selks · 12/04/2014 16:26

"It is very exhausting being so unhappy all the time."

Indeed. Is this how you want to lead your life? Is this what you want for yourself?

Lweji · 12/04/2014 16:27

Do you want to talk to him?

Weliveinabeautifulworld · 12/04/2014 16:28

"It is very exhausting being so unhappy all the time."

:( I hope you find happiness soon!

BumWad · 12/04/2014 16:28

You are amazing OP, woulda done the same!

WipsGlitter · 12/04/2014 16:28

To be fair, if someone had done this to me I wouldn't want to talk to them either!

Lweji · 12/04/2014 16:29

Be careful, though, if he loses his grip on you in other ways, he may well turn violent.
Have your phone charged and with you at all times. And some money or a card.

Do you have an individual savings or current account?

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 12/04/2014 16:29

Can't you find some money from somewhere and jump on a plane and come home? Credit card? Anything?

TheOrchardKeeper · 12/04/2014 16:29

You need to change nothing!

If he's resistant to any slight suggestion of change then there is nothing you can do op besides leave of course

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/04/2014 16:30

This will either change him, or you. I'd start your exit strategy if I were you.

Well done, I am in awe of you.

smorticus · 12/04/2014 16:33

Good for you! He deserved it!!

I see you mentioned you are an expat. Is it through the forces? If so there will be support for you to escape the unhappiness if you want too.
If not, is there any family / friends back home who could help you?
Where are the dc staying? Would it be possible to join them?

As others have said, everyone has there limits. You have reached yours. You are a strong woman to put up with his shit for so long.

dippydaisy1 · 12/04/2014 16:34

I have done the same thing for the same reason. He walked 40 km home. Then i left him for good. Wasnt at all sorry!

Hissy · 12/04/2014 16:34

He's probably in shock.

He's working out how to handle this. This is now a game of chicken.

Just front it out. Be indignant about any arsiness. Draw the line in the sand that you need.

This is your turning point.

You rock btw!

PeanutPatty · 12/04/2014 16:34

Holy I would have done the same. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. The sitting at a separate table with his coffee would have been the straw that broke the camel's back for me too. Only difference being that I would have dumped all his clothes/belongings on the front lawn with a little note. A two word little note. Last word "off".

What country are you in? What nationality are the DC? Do you want out or want to stay and try counselling?

Lweji · 12/04/2014 16:40

Stop doing things for him.
He chose to do things without you, when he went to sit by himself at the cafe.

Meanwhile, do something you enjoy.

Is the car in your name or his?

And get legal advice on Monday.

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