Perfect Man with past?

[Hairytoekerr01]

Greetings,

Long time lurker and first time poster here, but I really don't know where else to turn to advice.

I live in a cosy wee flat with only DD and myself and am quite happy.

About 6 months ago a new man joined the small company where I worked and he seemed so different to the other "football, beer and horses" type blokes who work there and we immediately hit it off.

We began to grow closer although it concerned me that it seemed that he was pushing me away and didn't like to talk about his past.

Last week he took me out and said that he had real feelings for me but thought I should know the truth so I could decide if I wanted to go any further or not.

He told me 3 years ago he was working in a european country (I don't want to say which one for reasons I'll explain later) and was attacked in a bar after accidentally picking up the wrong drink. He said he defended himself by punching the person three times on the face until he fell then left the bar. He swears he did not start the situation but admits he was probably too drunk to read the warning signs.

Nearly a year later he was arrested by police and dragged back to the country on a European Arrest Warrant and after being kept on remand for 18 months, he was sentenced to a further 6 months then deported back to the UK.

He said he could have asked to be transferred back to the uk but chose not to due to not wanting to have a criminal record here.

I hate violence and would normally consider this a huge red flag but the person I have grown to know shows no signs of anger or threatening behaviour at all. During a Staff Xmas night out he calmed a drunken arguement down before a few people were likely to lose their jobs as a result of their behaviour. He rarely drinks, has spoken to me how much he hates drugs and seems highly educated, or at the very least very intelligent .

He told me he lost a high flying job, a fiancé who couldn't bare the shame and the respect of most of his family who wouldn't listen to the facts.

I feel terrible for him and really am starting to have feelings for him and I don't know if I'm being neurotic but i do have some concerns.

He is very articulate but sometimes shakes, struggles to speak without stammering and I wonder if that is a sign of underlying trauma?

I shamefully facebook stalked his ex and she looks like she has an airbrush fairy above her, I'm worried that he would always see me as second best?

Although my instincts tell me he's telling the truth I have no way to verify it as I can't google reports in the country due to not knowing where to look or speaking the language etc.. and every time I read about European Arrest Warrants it tends to involve Gangsters, People Traffickers or Terrorists. Would they really bother for someone getting a broken nose in a bar fight?

If I was on my own I wouldn't think twice but have DD to think about, but the logical part of my brain tells me that he was decent enough to tell me this before anything happened between us (tbh around 5 mins before as I was just about to physically drag him to bed) and at the risk of sounding like a teenager I really don't think I've connected with anyone like this before.

Sorry for the long post but please help?

Please could all the posters re read this post. The man has probably never had so much as a speeding ticket. He is living in cloud cuckoo land. Secret service, MI6, Russian jail? What a load od bollox. Fantasists come from all backgrounds; a lot are very successful in their career but they get a thrill from telling the most extraordinary porkies. I'm telling you OP, nothing good will come of knowing him. His Mom and sister will vouch for him being a compulsive liar.
The man I very briefly dated didn't show up one night we had planned a date.On a previous date with friends, one of our party took me to one side and said" I don't think you should believe he is who he say's he is; he's a bit touched" Grasping at straws I phoned his Ex wife. She asked me over for a drink. She greeted me by asking; " So which of the services is he in now?; the army, navy RAF?" I laughed, the penny dropped. We became friends for a while. Turned out he kept a starting pistol, just in case " Russian Spies" where on the look out for him.
I might add that he wore the most gorgeous clothes, the country squire type, all purchased from charity shops, but oh boy was he very convincing.

I read the first paragraph and I thought, "hang on, if he was in the M16, he would have immunity, and not ended up in prison".

At least that is what my friends in the M16 tell me about their jobs.

M16?
Is that a branch even more secret than MI6? One that literally nobody knows about?

Typo, He's a bull shitter, probably had nothing more than a slapped wrist for nicking the pick 'n mix in Woolworth's.

It is super secret!

If your still reading OP then it sounds to me like it could have been a wrong time wrong place situation.

It sounds like he's been honest with the dates matching the newpaper reports but you do right taking things slowly.

Unfortunately that won't be good enough for a lot of other posters who won't give him a chance just because its a man being talked about.

upupup the OP was joking when she mentioned MI6. If you read her post, she does make that very clear.

Hmmmmm 2 years for punching someone? sounds very excessive to me. there has to be more to it.

I dunno, GBH with self-defence would get that kind of sentence in the UK, I think, depending on circumstances and the weather. He says he didn't think he should have thrown the third punch and it sounds very much as if he shouldn't. In Hairy's shoes, I wouldn't be taking the risk on somebody with an odd story like this ... but I have in the past (unwisely!) To give her her due, she has fact-checked the background and says she's proceeding with caution.

Do come & post again if he starts showing a short fuse, OP! Or, better, dump him and tell us why you did :)

spence82 Unfortunately that won't be good enough for a lot of other posters who won't give him a chance just because its a man being talked about

Its not about other people "giving him a chance". Its about someone possibly duping another because the spin they are putting on facts may not be entirely true. As I said, its entirely up to the OP if she chooses to date a convicted criminal. What concerns me is the downplaying of the severity of the offence and the lack of responsibility for it.

Supposed honesty about revealing it isn't necessarily a green light - he probably knows it will come up in the most rudimentary of checks.

I'm still surprised that this did not affect him in taking up his current post.

Some people seem to make a habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and being unlucky.

I'm also surprised that he didn't go voluntarily into the police station to make a statement the day after the assault but had to be "arrested and dragged back" to the country where it happened.

I suspect that his actions following this, plus the fact it was 3 punches, very much had a lot to do with his lengthy sentence.

I find it concerning that he is somehow convincing the OP that not only is he just a normal guy, but some kind of super saintly man, untainted by the supposed habits of other men and such an innocent in the midst of these things happening to him. His response concerns me more than his crime.

Excellent post, MelonadeAgain.

Hairytoe, you have a well demonstrated talent for Justification. This is a behavior of yours (rather than talking about "Perfect Man" behavior) that you may want to think about. For example, if something needs quite so much Justification, that in itself is a clue to watch out...without needing to know the whole index of details, iyswim.

You have said you have lurked on this board for a while (hope I'm not confusing with another thread). Do you know what your boundaries are regarding emotionally healthy interaction? Will you be able to recognize the truth when this Perfect Man facade begins to crumble? Will you tolerate little white lies; if so then will you tolerate bigger lies since you let the minor ones be Justified (see, it is harder to draw the line once the ball is rolling)? Please know your boundaries and respect them before you respect anyone else.

OP, considering you have a 6 year old daughter I think you are being a bit too smug here about your sudden proof that apparently shows everything is OK.

I am also surprised that your tone since the start has been incredibly defensive of this bloke about whom you know almost nothing.

As a lawyer I find his story a little bit, hmmm, puzzling. He wandered back to the country voluntarily to help out (why exactly did he go back?!) then got banged up for two years. Something smells a very fishy to me. Showing you a bunch of clippings about what the other bloke did is irrelevant. If indeed events went simply as you have explained I am at a loss to know why this doesn't seem to have been reported anywhere in the British press - for something as minor as a pub fight European countries are not normally in the habit of slamming people in prison for two years who have come back of their own volition.

Op if you didnt have dd id just think you were infatuated and hoped it ended well. But youve a child so why is this man app the one and only for you despite his history. Yes it might be all as he said but to my mind youre possibly putting your own child at risk for a man you barely know. If this was about your dd and grand dd would you be happy? What will you tell your ex- would you be happy if his new partner had been convicted and served time for assault?

saoirse31
...so why is this man app the one and only for you despite his history.

Imho, she has been thoroughly seduced.

Hairy, I don't think anyone is expecting you to check into a convent because you have a child. But because you do have a child depending on you 100%, imho, you need to exert a higher level of care in the choice of company you keep...and that applies whether or not your dd will ever meet him/her/them.

Something doesn't add up. Let's hope he's just a fantasist; but it could be something even more sinister than belting some bloke in a bar. Give him a very wide birth OP. Whoever/whatever he is; he sounds like a complete arsehole.

So hard to say, I worked with a lovely man years ago. I wasn't attracted to him but I liked him very much and was shocked to find he had been in court for attempted murder, and worse that he had got off with it but told me he had done it!

I would never have guessed it but then he is now happily married with kids and is a very jolly, sweet guy.

Bonkers. Are people that desperate that they will believe anything they are told? All of that lovely reassuring info has come from the man himself. Insane.