Perfect Man with past?

[Hairytoekerr01]

Greetings,

Long time lurker and first time poster here, but I really don't know where else to turn to advice.

I live in a cosy wee flat with only DD and myself and am quite happy.

About 6 months ago a new man joined the small company where I worked and he seemed so different to the other "football, beer and horses" type blokes who work there and we immediately hit it off.

We began to grow closer although it concerned me that it seemed that he was pushing me away and didn't like to talk about his past.

Last week he took me out and said that he had real feelings for me but thought I should know the truth so I could decide if I wanted to go any further or not.

He told me 3 years ago he was working in a european country (I don't want to say which one for reasons I'll explain later) and was attacked in a bar after accidentally picking up the wrong drink. He said he defended himself by punching the person three times on the face until he fell then left the bar. He swears he did not start the situation but admits he was probably too drunk to read the warning signs.

Nearly a year later he was arrested by police and dragged back to the country on a European Arrest Warrant and after being kept on remand for 18 months, he was sentenced to a further 6 months then deported back to the UK.

He said he could have asked to be transferred back to the uk but chose not to due to not wanting to have a criminal record here.

I hate violence and would normally consider this a huge red flag but the person I have grown to know shows no signs of anger or threatening behaviour at all. During a Staff Xmas night out he calmed a drunken arguement down before a few people were likely to lose their jobs as a result of their behaviour. He rarely drinks, has spoken to me how much he hates drugs and seems highly educated, or at the very least very intelligent .

He told me he lost a high flying job, a fiancé who couldn't bare the shame and the respect of most of his family who wouldn't listen to the facts.

I feel terrible for him and really am starting to have feelings for him and I don't know if I'm being neurotic but i do have some concerns.

He is very articulate but sometimes shakes, struggles to speak without stammering and I wonder if that is a sign of underlying trauma?

I shamefully facebook stalked his ex and she looks like she has an airbrush fairy above her, I'm worried that he would always see me as second best?

Although my instincts tell me he's telling the truth I have no way to verify it as I can't google reports in the country due to not knowing where to look or speaking the language etc.. and every time I read about European Arrest Warrants it tends to involve Gangsters, People Traffickers or Terrorists. Would they really bother for someone getting a broken nose in a bar fight?

If I was on my own I wouldn't think twice but have DD to think about, but the logical part of my brain tells me that he was decent enough to tell me this before anything happened between us (tbh around 5 mins before as I was just about to physically drag him to bed) and at the risk of sounding like a teenager I really don't think I've connected with anyone like this before.

Sorry for the long post but please help?

I think his family is a huge red flag Even the work and fiance I could understand but if it was out of character his family would have stood by him

Apologies to the OP here. But I reserve the right to defend myself wherever I may be.

Good luck! and let me know how it's all going.

WOW

What a judgemental lot you are.

How you draw the conclusion from someone ever being involved in violence to them being a wife beater is bizarre.

Everyone is different. OP's potential love interest could be a homicidal maniac or he could be a normal guy who found himself in a difficult situation. No one knows. It sounds like OP is smitten and wants to find out.

My advice would be to tread carefully. Do some research, even Wikipedia, ask lots of question's, voice your reservations. If he has nothing to hide he should be happy to discuss in detail. He should have all the answers and there should be real clarity in his responses. If he gets stroppy or evasive then there is probably something to hide.

Only one way to find out.

I think whatever we say, you'll give this man a chance. And another. And another. Let's hope it doesn't come back to bite you (and more importantly your DD) on the arse.

I grew up in a fighty area, men having fights per se doesn't make me bat an eyelid. But none of those men have ever seriously injured another person, nor been seriously injured themselves, none have ever been charged let alone convicted and done time.

You're so utterly taken in by this guy, I suspect he could tell you pretty much anything and you'd believe it. His story sounds fishy to me. I think the truth is that the offence was more serious (gbh/wounding with intent or similar), and he was quite possibly in prison for longer than he claimed. It may not even have been abroad, you only have his word for that (and the name he now uses may not be his own - which could explain the 'family' turning their back on him, quite likely they haven't entirely, but just know the truth, not what he's telling you).

I'd back right off. You just don't know him. And it's simply too big a risk to take, with a story that can't be proved or disproved and frankly sounds made up.

Out of interest, do your employers CRB check new employees (I predict not).

This suggestion that you are cynical of you hear that a man HASN'T ever been in a fight shows that you have a totally warped view of violence. Of course there are probably circumstances where it can't be avoided. But in mist circumstances, it can. My dh has certainly never been in a fight. I'm sure he could throw a punch if it was vital to save our dd, as could I. But the idea that all men have experienced violence and been violent and if they haven't, they're lying is just bizarre.

I hope it works out for you OP. I just wanted to make the point that there are plenty of people in the world who have never punched anyone repeatedly in the face.

No men I know have been involved with fights and I don't date men with a criminal record but that's just my preference and the type of world I move and date in. I think she really likes this man and she should just ask him for more information, copies of the charge sheets, witness statements abroad etc etc more information on why his family cut him out, check out where he lives (if he owns somewhere check he does own it at the Land Registry) check electoral roll etc

Then don't rush. Don't let him stay over. Don't introduce him to the child for at least a year. Take it slowly. Check he does what he says he will do and try to build up a picture of whether he can be trusted and how honest he is.

I dont condone any violence but at end of the day its OPs choice to give him a chance like i said yesterday she needs to apply caution but there is no reason to suggest hes going to turn out to be a woman beater or anything sinister.

All of you putting her down tbh is just very judgemental we all live in different areas and have had different up bringings, im no way into violence but where ive lived all my life its the norm to witness pub brawls and fights in town in the taxi que, it is an horrible world we live in and sometimes the best of people do end up in the centre of it. I know people closely (not just men) who are the most lovely people but have been started on on a night out and its ended badly.

No amount of soft-voiced waffling will persuade me that a man who's been extradited for GBH (unless it was murder?) is a really good boyfriend candidate. Countries don't put themselves to that much trouble for a minor misdemeanour. Only 2,495 people were taken out of the UK to face charges on a European Arrest Warrant last year (2012/13), of which 275 were for GBH. In previous years there were fewer.

Somebody who will behave so violently that they're singled out for this procedure is capable of extreme aggression. And, evidently, of playing it down in order to attract a woman. It's a red flag complete with flashing lights and sirens.

FYI, mummyOF4, living around commonplace violence tends to normalise it. It leads to mistaken beliefs that everybody's violent when they've had a few (or most men are) and it's no big deal. It is; it's a big deal.

GarlicAprilShowers I never said violence isnt a big deal i dont agree with it and i deffinately dont condone it but i just want to make the point that i have a family member who have been caught up in fights and ended up in trouble not always their fault but are now labelled violent and has a criminal record. It was self deffence and of course everyone will use that card but my cousin is a lovely girl and a doting mother she has a nice job etc because on paper she is violent doesnt mean she is this violent thug

Fine, but unless the police forces of two countries sought government authorisation to ship your cousin abroad to face charges, she's not all that relevant to the thread really, is she?

Im making a point!! None of us know what has really gone on its just a load of assumptions.

Well, we know he was one of very few men extradited for violent offences. Found guilty and served 2 years, counting remand, which indicated his sentence was at least 3. That's some serious violence.

Mummy, I see what you are trying to say, but even serial killers do love their mothers.
Your cousin IS clearly someone who spends her life on the periphery of trouble.

A 'doting mother' would stay out of trouble for fear of her kids growing up either like her, or ashamed of her. Perhaps she's got more than one persona. The one you see, and the one that gets her arrested.

This is clearly not a misdemeanour. It was bad enough for someone to get on a plane and bring him to justice. I dare say that more than one court sat and considered it.

As a result he lost everything, including the fiancée, and the respect of his family.

There's back story there alright, and this girl doesn't know the half of it.

If she were on her own, it's her lookout, but she has a small child, and a burning desire to prove them all wrong about her 'perfect man'

Perfection doesn't exist.

That is the case by sounds of it but still we wasnt there when the incident happened. For all we know this is a one of incident only the guy in question can answer that, wether he is been truthful to OP or not remains to be seen

... oh, and he lied about his reason for going abroad to be tried. He said it was so he wouldn't get a UK criminal record but it turns out the record still stands here. This would have been explained to him. So it's more likely he went to a country which is more lenient and/or has better prisons - Scandinavia, perhaps? I bet he didn't spend his 2 years in a Romanian shithole.

Normally the OP would have his family corroborating his story and telling her it was a complete one off. That he's the best of people and so on.

I know i agree it looks bad but i also think in most cases there are 2 sides to every story, at end of the day its upto OP how she wants to play this just felt bit sorry for her reading everyones replies.

I have just been to see my cousin. She was in a bit of a state because a friend of hers have a new boyfriend.

A couple of years ago the following story was all over the news, a obstetric consultant at the local hospital had been arrested in Turkey for beating up his girlfriend. Her 4 year old daughter was asleep in her bed, and woke up to see her mother dragged across the floor after her hair. He served 2 years prison sentence for this abuse. She has lost her hearing in one ear.

His ex wife had a similar story to tell.

All my cousins friend see is a highly educated man, a man with interest in opera, the theater, and his good salary, and handsome looks. She is head over heals in love. My cousin had told her that this man had a bit of a reputation, and had abused his wife before his girlfriend. The friend had just curtly said "I have heard, but I believe everybody deserves a second chance, and I am sure it wont happen to me. Our love is different".

I really despair at some women. Why even take the chance? Fair enough if you want to play Russian roulette with your own life and health, but why not for the sake of your child take the safe option and look elsewhere?

Personally, I am glad I got all the "wrong uns" out of my system when I was still in my 18-20s. Boyfriends with scars and bullet wounds, and prison sentences sort of lost their appeal as I matured.

What I would worry about is what he tells you NEXT?! What else is there? If you accept that this is ok, what other things will he tell you, because I imagine this is possibly just the beginning. It is a nice way for him to set you up for your future. He can always say "why are you surprised, I told you what sort of man I am".

His family and fiancee DISOWNED him.... The fact that the very people who presumably loved him/knew him well no longer wanted to maintain contact with him is a HUGE red flag. You sound like you ARE defending him on the basis of very few actual facts - just his version of events. I wouldn't make any judgement on what/why/how it all happened, I just wouldn't take the risk for you/DD. Sorry...

It is actually quite simple.

Walk away.

There are thousands (yes thousands) of perfectly nice men in the UK.

Without a huge effort you will meet many of them. No problems, no lies, no 'past', no living in a fantasy world, no bullshit.

Do not take any further action with this man. You do not need the unnecessary risks and problems that he presents.

I guarantee given time and effort you will find someone thoroughly honest, nice, normal and undamaged.

Please, turn your back and walk away...

Did he not get headbutted? It wasn't an argument as I understood it, he was attacked.

I firmly believe in second chances - where they are deserved. But in this case you can't find the man or details of the conviction (btw overseas reports won't translate his name so google would still throw "joe brown" or whatever his name is up in english even if you google for that country. so has he changed his name?) And secondly his family disowned him, and he served 2 years so assume the sentence was longer - this indicates something significantly bigger than a pub brawl over a drink.

So here's the thing for me - he is minimising it - actually if he was completely honest he would acknowledge how bad and awful whatever it was that he had done... and for that I would give him a second chance. But someone who minimises something like this -- hmm that rings alarm bells.

All very good points, deXavier, I agree.

One of my colleagues got into a bar fight when he was eighteen, he went to prison for it. It very nearly ruined his life and career options but my boss gave him a chance based on the pleas of a friend of his who had worked there for years.

He is now in his mid twenties and is the nicest guy, he works hard in a professional job, has a lovely girlfriend and is likely to be the guy breaking up fights in pubs.

The telling difference is that all his friends and family are right behind him, he is universally liked and anyone will tell you it was a drunken mistake that was out of character.

The fact th a this guy lost everything including family is what troubles me. I would steer clear.