Perfect Man with past?

[Hairytoekerr01]

Greetings,

Long time lurker and first time poster here, but I really don't know where else to turn to advice.

I live in a cosy wee flat with only DD and myself and am quite happy.

About 6 months ago a new man joined the small company where I worked and he seemed so different to the other "football, beer and horses" type blokes who work there and we immediately hit it off.

We began to grow closer although it concerned me that it seemed that he was pushing me away and didn't like to talk about his past.

Last week he took me out and said that he had real feelings for me but thought I should know the truth so I could decide if I wanted to go any further or not.

He told me 3 years ago he was working in a european country (I don't want to say which one for reasons I'll explain later) and was attacked in a bar after accidentally picking up the wrong drink. He said he defended himself by punching the person three times on the face until he fell then left the bar. He swears he did not start the situation but admits he was probably too drunk to read the warning signs.

Nearly a year later he was arrested by police and dragged back to the country on a European Arrest Warrant and after being kept on remand for 18 months, he was sentenced to a further 6 months then deported back to the UK.

He said he could have asked to be transferred back to the uk but chose not to due to not wanting to have a criminal record here.

I hate violence and would normally consider this a huge red flag but the person I have grown to know shows no signs of anger or threatening behaviour at all. During a Staff Xmas night out he calmed a drunken arguement down before a few people were likely to lose their jobs as a result of their behaviour. He rarely drinks, has spoken to me how much he hates drugs and seems highly educated, or at the very least very intelligent .

He told me he lost a high flying job, a fiancé who couldn't bare the shame and the respect of most of his family who wouldn't listen to the facts.

I feel terrible for him and really am starting to have feelings for him and I don't know if I'm being neurotic but i do have some concerns.

He is very articulate but sometimes shakes, struggles to speak without stammering and I wonder if that is a sign of underlying trauma?

I shamefully facebook stalked his ex and she looks like she has an airbrush fairy above her, I'm worried that he would always see me as second best?

Although my instincts tell me he's telling the truth I have no way to verify it as I can't google reports in the country due to not knowing where to look or speaking the language etc.. and every time I read about European Arrest Warrants it tends to involve Gangsters, People Traffickers or Terrorists. Would they really bother for someone getting a broken nose in a bar fight?

If I was on my own I wouldn't think twice but have DD to think about, but the logical part of my brain tells me that he was decent enough to tell me this before anything happened between us (tbh around 5 mins before as I was just about to physically drag him to bed) and at the risk of sounding like a teenager I really don't think I've connected with anyone like this before.

Sorry for the long post but please help?

[MariaJenny]

Clearly you really like him and want it to be okay. For me it would be unacceptable. I met one man (once) who told me he had served time (for trading whilst insolvent). He now could not even get a bank account (was bankrupt too). That was just too different from what I need or want (and he wasn't attractive). Anyone who has a criminal record I will not go near.

However other people do. It's up to you.

I thought he would have a criminal record here and yet he is saying he does not. Someone above links to the indication he does (even though it was a foreign conviction).

Ask him for more details. If he used to have a high flying job who with? May be there will be details of his appointment on line if there were a press release when he was appointed so you can check it out.
Also most families stand by a son in such a situation. His didn't - weird. is it because his story to you isn't true and his family know what he is really like? If my son got into a bar fight like that out of character no way would I not stand by him and stay in touch. I always avoid men who have no friends and no family and no ties and no sort of evidence of stability and place in the community. If they don't have all that they are probably risky.

[Hairytoekerr01]

Ballsballsballs

You're right I don't know the situation so neither you nor I can say if three punches is a lot or not.

If it was a 5ft 2 drunken guy who made a half-hearted headbutt and couldn't stand up then yes 3 punches is excessive.

However if it was a sober Hulk Hogan lookalike who headbutted him and the first two punches didn't stop the threat then suddenly the third punch is reasonable.

It all comes back to the fact I need to more about the situation.

[wheretheairisrarefied]

As you've already found the ex on fb I'd be tempted to contact her on fb, tell her you have a child and are considering a relationship with this man and see what her response is.

Not giving that as advice, btw, as it's probably not that wise. But I'd probably do it. I'd need to hear about it from someone other than him.

[wheretheairisrarefied]

We don't know why he told her though, maryz. Maybe someone has threatened to tell her if he doesn't?

[wheretheairisrarefied]

I agree with what you're saying, marz - and I work with people who have backgrounds like you mention because I firmly believe in second chances.

But for me my DC would come first. Always.

[thisyearwillbeawesome]

Private investigator if other avenues fail? Or even just employ a translator to look into it for you - translators do a fair amount of sleuthing in their day to day working lives any way so they have the necessary skills...

[Egghead68]

Why bother investing money and time in a private investigator?

Just walk away.

Plenty more (non-violent) fish in the sea.

[Itsfab]

I think there is no need to be with someone who has been violent. He might be perfect from now on in but in my mind it is too big a risk.

[Partridge]

Firstly, I am amazed you think it was ok for your ex to throw the first punch. That is an aggressive move that would presumably escalate the situation. And just not acceptable - my Glaswegian dh would never do this. And we aren't sheltered.

More concerning is your tone in this thread. You are already too deeply emotionally invested in this man. You are humouring us by saying that you will take it slowly - I can hear that you are actually minimising, justifying and there a shades of "soul mate" fantasy around him already. You are interpreting signs of trauma in him and sound like you want to fix him. I have been there with a very abusive ex-p - everything he did I could attribute to his difficult past, poor lamb. He ended up being a nasty bastard.

My dh has not had an easy life. He is the most gentle, solid, wonderful man ever (10 years in I can say this with authority). I never want to deal with drama again, and I shouldn't have to. For the sake of your dd I really, really hope you can step back from this elated chemical high of meeting this man. I really do hope things work out - whatever you do, but please be careful.

[nkf]

OP, you want it to be okay, don't you? But you are posting on here because, deep down, you are uncomfortable with it? Possibly even a little frightened? Posters on here can only tell you what they think and what they would do in your circumstances. You don't need to defind him or your decisions which is what you are trying to do. You just need to be happy and confident with your decisions.

[CailinDana]

Like I said, the conviction is one thing but the fact that his fiancee and family abandoned him is very worrying. Does it not bother you?

[MariaJenny]

Just keep digging. Contact his ex girl friend to ask her for the back story. Ask him what his previous job was and see if that checks out. You might even find the witness statements abroad for his trial are public (they are public documents in the UK although not on line) so you might be able to read them.

[ll31]

So when you're living together and he gets annoyed with your dd how will he react? And if its violent, how will you explain to her that despite knowing of his assault conviction you brought him into her home?

I think its beyond belief that you are not putting your daughter first. That may be unfair to both you and him but so what? You're her parent.

Maybe your dds father will request full custody because you're bringing a man with conviction for violence into her house.

Maryz example is different because the man involved was known to his family. All you know is what hes told you.

[TheKnightsThatSayNee]

I agree you need information from a different source. I think everything you have said is reasonable and everything everyone else has said is reasonable too. He could be a violent abusive twat he could be a normal guy. The massive red flag is the reaction of his fiancee and family. If dp or a male relative was convicted of the same thing as this man describes I would stand by him 100%.

[TheKnightsThatSayNee]

Maybe ask him if he minds you FBing his ex?

[yegodsandlittlefishes]

Lots of very good advice here. OP, you need him to point you to other sources of information about the trial and conviction. Print off the legal records and have them translated.

If he has learned from the whole experience and has changed, would he do the same again? Has he? Would he/has he hit a woman or child? I'd want to meet his family and hear their side of it. He has served his time but if he thinks he was justified to hurt someone that badly, and walk away, he isn't someone you want to get close to.

[nkf]

Seriously, is the man shortage so acute that checking up, using translators and private detectives are reasonable suggestions? OP, you don't have enough choice. This man started at your place of work and he was different to the others. That doesn't make him perfect. That makes him different to the others.

[nkf]

FBing his ex about his criminal past? For God's sake. If you even have to think about doing something like that, drop it.

[Lweji]

I used to believe in second chances. Until they bit me.

As others have pointed out, there are a few red flags here, the three punches, that he was deserted by family.

If he is really open, he'd tell you ALL about it, so that you could check for yourself.

He doesn't sound particularly contrite. And it was only 3 years ago. He must have returned to the uk 6 to 12 months ago. So, hardly a life long staying out of trouble.

[Twinklestein]

I have to agree that I don't think what your ex did in Glasgow was ok.
In the circumstances you describe, it would have been wiser to walk off. It's not sensible or street-wise to get into an argument with drunk, abusive men. It's certainly not ok to take the first punch. If one of those guys had had a knife, it could have ended very differently.

Some people think a bit of violence and/ or a criminal conviction is ok. It may be partly a cultural thing. I don't know any man who has ever got into a fight or been in prison. For me, prison is totally unacceptable and a dealbreaker. In your position, that alone would be end of this.

However, given that this is not the case for you, I would take the following precautions:

1. If Hissy is right, and I'm sure she is, that the trial of Sarah's Law is over and it's now available nationwide, then use it to check his conviction. It's important to know whether the facts of the case fit with his narrative.
   
   
2. Contact his ex and get her side. Some people would tell you not to do this but personally I am a believer in women sharing information on questionable men in order to avoid abuse. Of course she may choose not to talk to you and you'd have to respect that.
   
   As regards second chances, sure everyone deserves one. I might give a ex con a job, but I wouldn't get personally involved particularly if I had a daughter to consider. And if I gave one a job you an bet I would call in all the information available so as to know exactly what I was getting myself into.

[nkf]

Of course everyone should have a second chance. But we are women, not second chances. It doesn't mean that everyone should have a good chance with us. We are entitled to be careful and wary because the wrong man means a lot can go wrong.

[tigermoth]

Definitely agree you should check his conviction. As you gradually get to know him better, you can at the same time talk to him more about this incident.

If his story is straight he should be ok about proving this to you - there must, for instance, be some paperwork he has to back up what he says. I think you will soon know if he is being cagey. He should expect you to want to check things out a bit - you have a dd to consider and you don't know anyone from his past.

I wonder if you could get some advice from your local police about what to ask him and how to prove he has told you the full story?

[Hairytoekerr01]

Again I really thank you all for the advice so far. I've decided to meet him later and talk through everything with him and see how I feel then.

It's funny though when I spoke to my own friends about this over a few glasses of wine, most of them were telling stories of when their boyfriends/husbands came home from the pub/football/rugby with a black eye or burst lip etc.. and the story was always the same. That a 'big boy' started it and they had to defend themselves.

Yet on here only two people have admitted that even people they knew have ever been involved in any kind of violence.

I know my friends well and none if them suffer from DV and their partners (bar one who is more in live with his xbox) are great people and fantastic dads.

To the people who keep insisting that my ex done the wrong thing in Glasgow by not walking away. I really can't make it any clearer, the men were about to attack us, actually telling us that in no uncertain terms. If he walked away or ran away god only knows what would have happened to me. I lived Glasgow, still have a fantastic relationship with ex -in laws and will always consider it my second home, but practically every weekend you seen some sort of serious trouble in the streets our outside pubs, then read about kids getting stabbed to death or scarred for life in the papers every day. If my ex ran away I could have ended up like that because being a woman doesn't give you some sort if protection from men who are intent in violence!

I'll let you all know how this progresses and thanks again

Hairytoe