Perfect Man with past?

[Hairytoekerr01]

Greetings,

Long time lurker and first time poster here, but I really don't know where else to turn to advice.

I live in a cosy wee flat with only DD and myself and am quite happy.

About 6 months ago a new man joined the small company where I worked and he seemed so different to the other "football, beer and horses" type blokes who work there and we immediately hit it off.

We began to grow closer although it concerned me that it seemed that he was pushing me away and didn't like to talk about his past.

Last week he took me out and said that he had real feelings for me but thought I should know the truth so I could decide if I wanted to go any further or not.

He told me 3 years ago he was working in a european country (I don't want to say which one for reasons I'll explain later) and was attacked in a bar after accidentally picking up the wrong drink. He said he defended himself by punching the person three times on the face until he fell then left the bar. He swears he did not start the situation but admits he was probably too drunk to read the warning signs.

Nearly a year later he was arrested by police and dragged back to the country on a European Arrest Warrant and after being kept on remand for 18 months, he was sentenced to a further 6 months then deported back to the UK.

He said he could have asked to be transferred back to the uk but chose not to due to not wanting to have a criminal record here.

I hate violence and would normally consider this a huge red flag but the person I have grown to know shows no signs of anger or threatening behaviour at all. During a Staff Xmas night out he calmed a drunken arguement down before a few people were likely to lose their jobs as a result of their behaviour. He rarely drinks, has spoken to me how much he hates drugs and seems highly educated, or at the very least very intelligent .

He told me he lost a high flying job, a fiancé who couldn't bare the shame and the respect of most of his family who wouldn't listen to the facts.

I feel terrible for him and really am starting to have feelings for him and I don't know if I'm being neurotic but i do have some concerns.

He is very articulate but sometimes shakes, struggles to speak without stammering and I wonder if that is a sign of underlying trauma?

I shamefully facebook stalked his ex and she looks like she has an airbrush fairy above her, I'm worried that he would always see me as second best?

Although my instincts tell me he's telling the truth I have no way to verify it as I can't google reports in the country due to not knowing where to look or speaking the language etc.. and every time I read about European Arrest Warrants it tends to involve Gangsters, People Traffickers or Terrorists. Would they really bother for someone getting a broken nose in a bar fight?

If I was on my own I wouldn't think twice but have DD to think about, but the logical part of my brain tells me that he was decent enough to tell me this before anything happened between us (tbh around 5 mins before as I was just about to physically drag him to bed) and at the risk of sounding like a teenager I really don't think I've connected with anyone like this before.

Sorry for the long post but please help?

[Lweji]

I know my friends well and none of them suffer from DV

Actually, you don't know that.

In any case, none of these husbands and friends were convicted, were they?

Get the whole truth first, yes.

[Legologgo]

Agree that lots of men have convictions wives know nothing of. I know this through my work

[GarlicAprilShowers]

Hairy, you seem to have left your thread having determined to 'give him a chance'. You also seem to have glorified violence somewhat, which might be part of your efforts to make this odd confession acceptable within your preferred opinion of this bloke.

There are 15.7 million single man in the UK.
7 men have been extradited on assault charges.

You policeman friend told you the man would not have been charged in the UK. If he's right, then his crime would not meet the double criminality test for extradition - caveat: I'm getting this from Wikipedia - and assault is not on the list of crimes for which a European Arrest Warrant overrides the clause. Grievous injury is, however: exactly how hard did he punch his victim, I wonder?

You've convinced yourself only 2 of your respondents have experience of violence - which is odd, considering several have said they've experienced DV. Does being punched not count as experience, then? For the record, I grew up with violence and have used it occasionally myself. I would not date this man.

7 men is less than one in two million - and that's if they were all single! You've found yourself a rare fish, all right ...

[Tinks42]

In your situation I'd do the same. I don't get that so many people on here have to hammer home their advice to the point of Wikipedia etc. I don't condone violence but at the same time don't judge a person for using violence in certain situations.

[GarlicAprilShowers]

Not even when they've been so violent they were hunted across borders and sent to prison, Tinks?

[Lweji]

"To the point of Wikipedia."

Yes, what are people doing checking information on Wikipedia? That's only for very serious subjects, like, I don't know, European Arrest Warrants due to accusations/convictions of serious assault, possibly?

[Tinks42]

My honest answer is still no. If however, he used a weapon when the other person didn't it would be another matter. As stated up thread, my father killed a guy in a fight many years ago and he was the most gentle, kind, loving man I have ever met.

[Tinks42]

I hope a certain person isn't out to get me on here (hard stare)

[Tinks42]

If however the OP decides to give this guy a chance and it becomes apparent that he enjoys inciting violence then of course she should stop all contact.

[kalidanger]

I was just busy typing up my story of a man with an admitted capacity for violence which he then demonstrated to me but I can't be arsed.

OP, just promise you'll come back and update. Cheers!

[Tinks42]

We all pull on our own experiences when posting on these forums, one persons experience can be as different as day and night to anothers and often is. Shooting others down for their point of view is never a good thing (of course this is only "my" opinion).

[Lweji]

Not sure what "inciting violence" has to do with this man.
He is capable of violence, and apparently, serious violence. Not only inciting it.

Sadly, it's hard to know what people are capable of until it's often too late.
That's why we should take heed of red flags early on.

This man admitted that he is perfectly capable of punching someone (the OP?) three times or more to the ground if she dares confront him, or slaps him, and he's drunk. He's done it before. And that's not likely to be the whole story.

[Tinks42]

where was it stated that the man would do that to her????????

[Lweji]

Oh, do read.

[Tinks42]

Most people are capable of violence.

[Lweji]

Yes, not many actually do it. Not to the point of making someone fall to the ground.

[Tinks42]

why are you getting so angry and becoming rude when another poster has a different point of view?

[Lweji]

Angry and rude? Where?

I do have a problem with people minimising violence and all the other red flags that go with this man, particularly when a child is involved.

In that respect, I, and others, have the right to say our opinion without being called angry or rude.

[Tinks42]

You don't even know you're doing it then

I'm a second chance person and give the benefit of the doubt and very glad I am.

[Lweji]

Nice try. :)
Projecting much?

I hope you don't get disappointed by giving second chances when there are many red flags around.

I've been around enough not to risk it in this case.

[Twinklestein]

OP I don't think your mate's partners' coming home with a black eye is in the same league as this man's conviction. I can see you take that as reassuring but I really don't think it is.

And insinuating that somehow posters are not being honest about violence or convictions is bizarre.

In my world you cannot turn up to work on Monday with a black eye or a split lip. What would you think if you had an appointment with your doctor or lawyer or your daughter's teacher and they looked like that? You simply cannot achieve your full potential in the professional workplace with a criminal conviction or a tendency to get into fights.

I think you are still trying to normalise and minimise something that is fundamentally abnormal. But hey, you were warned, there's nothing more we can do.

[DustBunnyFarmer]

i Has he changed his name? I would be really shocked if his UK local newspaper didn't report a deportation like this.

Is he living under an assumed name or has he changed his name by deed poll since returning to the UK? I might ask to see his original birth certificate, as all the googling in the world and police checks under Clare's law are for naught if you have the wrong name.

[Tinks42]

Me projecting? im not "trying" anything. Just stop referring to me then. I gave my own point of view is all.

[DustBunnyFarmer]

Is there somewhere else you two can take this, instead of derailing the thread?