Perfect Man with past?

[Hairytoekerr01]

Greetings,

Long time lurker and first time poster here, but I really don't know where else to turn to advice.

I live in a cosy wee flat with only DD and myself and am quite happy.

About 6 months ago a new man joined the small company where I worked and he seemed so different to the other "football, beer and horses" type blokes who work there and we immediately hit it off.

We began to grow closer although it concerned me that it seemed that he was pushing me away and didn't like to talk about his past.

Last week he took me out and said that he had real feelings for me but thought I should know the truth so I could decide if I wanted to go any further or not.

He told me 3 years ago he was working in a european country (I don't want to say which one for reasons I'll explain later) and was attacked in a bar after accidentally picking up the wrong drink. He said he defended himself by punching the person three times on the face until he fell then left the bar. He swears he did not start the situation but admits he was probably too drunk to read the warning signs.

Nearly a year later he was arrested by police and dragged back to the country on a European Arrest Warrant and after being kept on remand for 18 months, he was sentenced to a further 6 months then deported back to the UK.

He said he could have asked to be transferred back to the uk but chose not to due to not wanting to have a criminal record here.

I hate violence and would normally consider this a huge red flag but the person I have grown to know shows no signs of anger or threatening behaviour at all. During a Staff Xmas night out he calmed a drunken arguement down before a few people were likely to lose their jobs as a result of their behaviour. He rarely drinks, has spoken to me how much he hates drugs and seems highly educated, or at the very least very intelligent .

He told me he lost a high flying job, a fiancé who couldn't bare the shame and the respect of most of his family who wouldn't listen to the facts.

I feel terrible for him and really am starting to have feelings for him and I don't know if I'm being neurotic but i do have some concerns.

He is very articulate but sometimes shakes, struggles to speak without stammering and I wonder if that is a sign of underlying trauma?

I shamefully facebook stalked his ex and she looks like she has an airbrush fairy above her, I'm worried that he would always see me as second best?

Although my instincts tell me he's telling the truth I have no way to verify it as I can't google reports in the country due to not knowing where to look or speaking the language etc.. and every time I read about European Arrest Warrants it tends to involve Gangsters, People Traffickers or Terrorists. Would they really bother for someone getting a broken nose in a bar fight?

If I was on my own I wouldn't think twice but have DD to think about, but the logical part of my brain tells me that he was decent enough to tell me this before anything happened between us (tbh around 5 mins before as I was just about to physically drag him to bed) and at the risk of sounding like a teenager I really don't think I've connected with anyone like this before.

Sorry for the long post but please help?

If he was a genuinely decent person why do you think his fiance and his own family abandoned him when it was "only" self defence? Of all people wouldn't they be the onss you would expect to understand the situation and forgive him if it was a genuine one-off?

Either he's a fantasist and it's a total bullshit story or it's true and he had a history of (unprosecuted) violence/alcoholism and this was a last straw for his loved ones. Either way, not good.

Oh dear. It's such a major red flag that you are so desperate to ignore. He's telling you now so you hear his version of the story first. This is what they all do. He's grooming you too. Saying exactly what you want to hear so you think you have this amazing connection, so amazing that you ignore the fact he was shipped off abroad for assaulting someone. You're so desperate to excuse his behaviour in exchange for a man. Your dd should come first and that means not starting a relationship with a man whose natural response is violence. Just another cock before kid scenario unfortunately :(

I think that by posting on here you have had a chance to really think things through and it sounds like you are going to give him the benefit of the doubt and take a chance on him. That is obviously your choice but go in with your eyes wide open. Quite often there is no smoke without fire and he could be telling you a rather slanted version of events. I guess all of us have to go by our instincts and have trust in a person we are starting a relationship with. Hopefully this was a one off and he has learnt from it. I wish you every happiness and truly hope that your trust in him was not naive. Good luck.

I agree with cailin if he was worth sticking by, the woman with the ring on her finger and his own family would have stuck by him somehow.

You don't know this guy, not in any way shape or form, only the person he's potentially inventing to draw you in.

Back off a bit and see what he's like from a Distance.

You have a child to consider. That's all that matters. You are trying way too hard to make this man into the man you want him to be.

You could very well be being groomed. People who do this don't actually tell you they're grooming you, you know this, right?

On one hand, having checked European Arrest Warrants, from Wikipedia "It can only be issued for offences carrying a maximum penalty of 12 months or more in prison. Where sentence has already been passed an EAW can only be issued if the prison term to be enforced is at least four months long.", so it can be for lots of types of crimes. Even white collar.

On the other hand, I was worried when you mentioned the three punches. One punch is self defence. Three, unless there are further attacks, is overdoing it. I don't think it's reasonable force.
If he punched the person till they fell, it wouldn't have been a broken nose. The person would probably have lost conscience and could easily have died or have brain damage. He could have hit his head. In all likelihood, he was convicted because he punched repeatedly when the other person was already in a defensive position after the first punch.

Remember that he will have told you what he thought he could get away with it. Why don't you ask for the details, so that you can search it yourself. You can use Google translate to get a gist of what happened.
Then, I got worried when you said he lost the "respect of most of his family who wouldn't listen to the facts". The facts presented by him? Families tend to stick to their relatives. You have to ask yourself why they lost respect for him.

Finally, my exH seemed like a good giant. A shy, timid, good natured person. I left him because of DV. He had had occasions of losing it and threatening other men. Rarely, but they did happen.

I can only judge the man in front of me now, and I think both he, and I, deserve a chance.

If you go with this, make sure you never, ever, become dependent on this man. And walk out at the first sign of anger or abusive behaviour. For yourself and for your DD.

I wouldn't take a chance. It was probably worse.

A European Arrest Warrant can only be issued for crimes that carry a sentence of at least 12 months in prison. He did 18 months on remand and 6 months after that. So he served 2 years. I don't know in what country he committed that offence, but it sounds to me as though it was a charge of GBH rather than ABH.

He really hurt somebody.

He punched someone three times in the face until that person fell to the floor.

Just imagine doing that yourself.

• First smack someone hard in the face.
• Then again while they're reeling, and probably bleeding.
• Then again until they finally fall down.

That's what he's capable of.

His family and fiancée leaving him is a huge red flag. They know him better than you, they are more emotionally connected to him than you, and yet they didn't stick around and support him. Don't you think that is very odd in a case of self-defence in a pub? My guess is that you are not getting anything near the whole story.

Why don't you ask him for a copy of the police report/media converage, or ask him where you could find it? If his story is correct he'll have nothing to hide.

Has he changed his name? I would be really shocked if his UK local newspaper didn't report a deportation like this. When I've seen them covered in the local press they have always been accompanied by family campaigns to stop the deportation. Does nothing like that come up on google?

Isn't there a law that allows women to 'check out' a new partner with the police? or is that just for paedophiles?

OP you know this is unwise, and I don't believe you fully believe his version. Surely you're more sensible than that?

There's no such thing as a 'perfect man', particularly with a conviction for violence, and family who's disowned him.

If it sounds unlikely it probably is.

I've mixed feelings on this. Unlikely Amazonian is a long time poster with a similar background to my own and a lot of what she says is worth listening to. People aren't always what they seem. Wolves in sheep's clothing and all that. Sadly this has also been my experience and one I've paid dearly for. The matching ideals and attitudes also concerns me as often they will mirror you. If it seems too good to be true it usually is.

On the other hand I have been the victim of a unprovoked violent attack by two people , in a very public place. I defended myself and was arrested and charged. One of the two people suffered injuries and needed hospital treatment. I appeared in court where I was found not guilty via self defensive.

I've had to explain this at work , it's damaged my reputation and often people don't believe me. My family didn't believe me , and a relative who's a solicited didn't believe me either which was devastating.

I think you need to somehow clarify what he's saying . It can and does happen. I would consider contacting the ex .

Yes but a custodial period served of 2 years is WAY shorter than the sentence given! A penal year equates to about 9m of a year on the outside, or possibly less..

OP, the comment that really worries me is your last comment where you lump him andd you together.

You don't know this guy, you know he did something serious, repeatedly hitting, punching, smashing someone in the face.

You need the FULL details, you need to find out every last detail about what happened, without him spoonfeeding you what he'd like you to believe.

THEN and only then can you decide if this man is safe to have in your life, and ultimately your dd's.

Clare's Law! That's a possibility, surely?

www.gov.uk/government/news/clares-law-rolled-out-nationally-on-international-womens-day

Not sure if that worked but google 'Clare's law'

Cross posted with Hissy!!

It was your post that prompted me Belle! Couldd be a good call.

After all, if it was a simple case of people all being wrong about him, it'd be interesting what came back.

Hairy, for the sake of your dd, check this guy out. Please. Don't take his word for it.

Clare's law is for dv convictions, no?

And I don't know if he'd have a criminal record here? Surely that was the point of him serving his sentence abroad?

I thought convictions in Europe now show on UK police national computer?

Since 2007 I think.

I would hope so, I've no idea.

"Yes but a custodial period served of 2 years is WAY shorter than the sentence given! A penal year equates to about 9m of a year on the outside, or possibly less.."

I don't know who you're addressing with that remark, hissy, but if it's me, yes I know!

It says DV or Violent Acts, not specifically against women/partners

Suspect Hairy's long gone though. :(

Just commenting generally on what was being said really wheretheair, no idea of the specifics, but thought it was the case that the penal day is shorter than the day 'outside'.