Perfect Man with past?

[Hairytoekerr01]

Greetings,

Long time lurker and first time poster here, but I really don't know where else to turn to advice.

I live in a cosy wee flat with only DD and myself and am quite happy.

About 6 months ago a new man joined the small company where I worked and he seemed so different to the other "football, beer and horses" type blokes who work there and we immediately hit it off.

We began to grow closer although it concerned me that it seemed that he was pushing me away and didn't like to talk about his past.

Last week he took me out and said that he had real feelings for me but thought I should know the truth so I could decide if I wanted to go any further or not.

He told me 3 years ago he was working in a european country (I don't want to say which one for reasons I'll explain later) and was attacked in a bar after accidentally picking up the wrong drink. He said he defended himself by punching the person three times on the face until he fell then left the bar. He swears he did not start the situation but admits he was probably too drunk to read the warning signs.

Nearly a year later he was arrested by police and dragged back to the country on a European Arrest Warrant and after being kept on remand for 18 months, he was sentenced to a further 6 months then deported back to the UK.

He said he could have asked to be transferred back to the uk but chose not to due to not wanting to have a criminal record here.

I hate violence and would normally consider this a huge red flag but the person I have grown to know shows no signs of anger or threatening behaviour at all. During a Staff Xmas night out he calmed a drunken arguement down before a few people were likely to lose their jobs as a result of their behaviour. He rarely drinks, has spoken to me how much he hates drugs and seems highly educated, or at the very least very intelligent .

He told me he lost a high flying job, a fiancé who couldn't bare the shame and the respect of most of his family who wouldn't listen to the facts.

I feel terrible for him and really am starting to have feelings for him and I don't know if I'm being neurotic but i do have some concerns.

He is very articulate but sometimes shakes, struggles to speak without stammering and I wonder if that is a sign of underlying trauma?

I shamefully facebook stalked his ex and she looks like she has an airbrush fairy above her, I'm worried that he would always see me as second best?

Although my instincts tell me he's telling the truth I have no way to verify it as I can't google reports in the country due to not knowing where to look or speaking the language etc.. and every time I read about European Arrest Warrants it tends to involve Gangsters, People Traffickers or Terrorists. Would they really bother for someone getting a broken nose in a bar fight?

If I was on my own I wouldn't think twice but have DD to think about, but the logical part of my brain tells me that he was decent enough to tell me this before anything happened between us (tbh around 5 mins before as I was just about to physically drag him to bed) and at the risk of sounding like a teenager I really don't think I've connected with anyone like this before.

Sorry for the long post but please help?

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

www.yourrights.org.uk/yourrights/privacy/spent-convictions-and-the-rehabilitation-of-offenders/going-abroad-and-convictions-by-foreign-courts.shtml

Last paragraph. He has a criminal record here.

[Tinks42]

My father killed a man many years ago whilst in the navy, he hit the deck and banged his head and died.

My father was a wonderful, kind loving man to me and others around him.

[Itsfab]

Why do you think him being intelligent is relevant?

And no man is perfect. I would be running a mile from this one.

[Tinks42]

sorry, meant to say whilst in some sort of fight......

[Onesleeptillwembley]

Pretty telling that none of the people that knew him well and presumably loved him stood by him.

[Twinklestein]

I'm aware of the 'violent acts' bit but it's at the discretion of the police to disclose specifically if they think the woman may be at risk from dv.

Perhaps any conviction for any type of violence will count. But we don't know yet how the police will implement as it's only on trial at the moment in selected areas.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Looking at what disgrace posted this doesn't seem right at all.

Strangely some disordered folks will make up stories like this to test your boundrys. They also tell you these stories to sort of demonstrate they can be dangerous.

I'm in two minds , but I can't see why there isn't a public record. When I've googled it there's plenty of articles naming names.

[noddyholder]

If someone headbutted him why wasn't that person arrested first?

[Hissy]

Clare's law was on trial, afaik it's been released to all UK now.

noddy probably because that person was really hurt by the multiple punches. The other thing is that Brits abroad do have a bad reputation, so it isn't beyond the realms of possibility that because he's British, he may have been dealt with more harshly, to make an example.

[maleview70]

Why take any risk when you have a 6 yr old daughter.

Millions of men, why choose one with a violent past and criminal record.

I think sense goes out of the window sometimes when the love bug Strikes

[Hairytoekerr01]

Thanks for all your advice girls, think I'll speak to him tomorrow and just say I've been thinking about what he told me and would like to know more.

If he is genuine then he'll be able to set my mind at ease through proving his story and if he's not then we won't go any further!

While I appreciate all the concern I really don't believe that a man who defended himself in a pub is an automatic risk of being a domestic abuser etc..

I previously mentioned when living in Glasgow that my ex had to defend me. I was outside a chip shop when two older drunken men started throwing chips at me and abusing me for no reason apart from speaking with a different accent. I was terrified, then my ex came and after an arguement where they became more threatening and followed us he punched one of them.

I was glad he did, not because I like violence (in fact I was horrified) but because he was able to protect both of us and we came to no harm.

Now people who have had a sheltered life can easily jump to the view that anyone who has the potential to hit another human should be avoided.

But I want those people to answer honestly, if you and your DH were in that situation in Glasgow where you were being abused, had chips thrown at you and were being followed, clearly going to be attacked. What would you expect your DH to do?

And if they did punch one of them, would that make them unsuitable to be your partner anymore?

Life is not always fair, and tbh after being headbutted in a foreign country I don't think throwing a few punches whether they hurt the other person or not is an unreasonable reaction. What if they didn't fall to the ground and attacked him with a weapon when he tried to leave after one punch?

My priority is DD and always will be and I understand because of that I need to find out more (and i will). But really statistics say 1 in 3 British males have a criminal record, many more don't get caught. Most bar fights don't get reported to the police, so how many woman out there who are so judgemental have Dh's who have been in a stupid fight in the last 10 years? I don't have any evidence to back this up but I would bet the vast majority of them don't go home and beat their wives.

[Amytheflag]

What if what if what if?

What if this was just the first time he was caught?
What if his family disowned him for a reason?
What if men aren't the only people he hits?
What if it's you next time he's angry?
What if it's your daughter?

Anyone can play the what if game.

[Itsfab]

I would expect my dh to behave like a grown up and walk away.


And you are very patronising with your "sheltered life" comment.

[Hairytoekerr01]

Thanks Amy,

I understand what you mean, it can be frustrating being on an Internet forum and only being able to answer hypothetical questions.

The point I was making though is that of the millions of woman out there who met there DH's after the age of 30, if they all did a Criminal Records Check there would be many many surprises. It still wouldn't change the people they are!

Everyone makes mistakes, some people suffer injustices and some people are just Bad B*tads!

[Hairytoekerr01]

Itsfab,

I'm sorry you perceive me to be patronising, the sheltered life comment was to highlight that some people think that you can always walk away, where clearly there's situations where you can't.

I'm fairly sure my ex could have ran away and escaped that night, but I couldn't, and where would that leave me? What sort of a man would that make him?

[mummyOF4darlings]

Hi, sorry not read all replies but i think i would just go with my instincts on this. Your still in early stages of the relationship and i personally think its good hes told you. I would obviously be a little bit cautious but I wouldnt let it stop you enjoying dating if your having fun.

If you start to feel uncomfortable or get the feeling something isnt right at any stage then follow your instinct and end things x

[Hairytoekerr01]

Thank mummyof4, sensible advice and much appreciated!

[BelleateSebastian]

I don't think for 1 minute he would have served 2yrs for punching someone 3 times, therefore imo he us not telling you the truth.

[ballsballsballs]

Now people who have had a sheltered life can easily jump to the view that anyone who has the potential to hit another human should be avoided.

I have lived a very, very unsheltered life and would run like fuck away from this man. You do not know that the situation with your ex and the one with this man are the same. You seem to me to be downplaying and minimising the violence. Three punches is a lot.

[mummyOF4darlings]

Your welcome, hope things work out for you.

[Meerka]

people do make mistakes. Yes, Brits abroad have a bad reputation in some places.

He's been honest so far and he could presumably have gotten away without telling you anything about it?

I think it makes sense to check up. Do you know anyone who's known him a looong time, well? do you know any of his family and can ask their perspectives, bearing in mind that not everyone's family is nice or fair?

In your shoes I would consider carefully if all other signs are good, or if there are more red flags. From what you say, I might be tempted to carry on with the relationship.

But I would be very careful to make sure that you keep separate finances and that your name is on all important documentation, either solely or jointly. Should the worst ever happen and he turns out to be unsafe, you need your own resources in order to look after yoruself and your daughter. It's not being untrusting, it's being sensible and pragmatic.

[wheretheairisrarefied]

"He told me he lost a high flying job, a fiancé who couldn't bare the shame and the respect of most of his family who wouldn't listen to the facts"

Would concern me massively.

What concerns me more, is that you're not even in relationship with this man. Yet you're desperate for this to not get in the way of you starting one.

Seriously, why? Are you really that desperate?

[wheretheairisrarefied]

And this is just clutching at straws: "But really statistics say 1 in 3 British males have a criminal record, many more don't get caught."

Do you have self esteem issues? You should know that you are worth more than this.