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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DCs went on holiday (abroad) with soon to be ex H, supposed to be back y'day - no sign.

439 replies

januarycat · 11/04/2014 20:37

early stages of divorce.

The 3yo hasn't ever spent a night away from me. they were supposed to be back y'day. h phoned today to say it will be sunday. he said he'd told me when they left - he didn't, in fact he said they would travel thursday, be back following thursday.

he is playing games & was being very 'oh, dear, did you forget I told you it would be sunday?'

he has made threats in the past to take them away.

I have phoned the police (101) to log it. they said phone back on sunday if no sign & think about getting a court order.

he thinks it's funny & was being patronising & sarcastic on the phone, he finished the call by saying how lovely it was to talk to me. he is doing what he knows will hurt me the most.

Did I do the right thing calling the police. h is emotionally abusive & i often doubt how I feel/think/react.

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
SquidgyMummy · 12/04/2014 08:43

Hi OP,
hope you have managed to get some rest.

It was mentioned up thread, but does your mother's toxicity predate your marriage or was it something that developed since?

Reason i ask is that emotional abusers classically isolate their victims from friends and family, especially those who get the measure of them.

You need someone to support you and it sounds like your mum may be a good person if you think your STBXH has made you think the relationship is toxic.

NomDeClavier · 12/04/2014 09:22

If you need any help with French please let me know :(

Assuming they are in France do you know what ferry line they were traveling with? Could you contact them and say you're worried they missed their ferry because they aren't home? That might give you an idea of whether they were booked and it got changed, booked Sunday all along or never booked.

You need to get legal advice to stop this happening again.

Lweji · 12/04/2014 09:30

Here's a link to advice by UK Justice website.

Sadly, international parental child abduction is a civil matter. WTAF? Shock

and this is why I don't allow unsupervised contact with exH

Original poster
januarycat · 12/04/2014 10:07

DMs toxins existed before I met H.

I've been out for a run & decided not to ask DM for a loan, (my future sanity would be compromised). I will now have to avoid her phone calls asking if DCs are back yet.

Backs of sofas & chairs have produced £1.57 - I was surprised, but it's not enough for a court order.
Bills are due over the next couple of weeks, if i don't pay them I think I will have enough for legal fees.

reunite advice line is Mon - fri, but the website is very useful. I have to be doing something. I'm still trying WA. My internet connection is a bit on & off at the moment.

I really fucked up y'day on the phone by getting distressed when talking to H. I should have spent more time talking to DS, I was just so desperate, not knowing where they were & not having any contact for so long.

OP posts:
Offred · 12/04/2014 10:23

Yes, thought it probably would have done. I'm really hoping they're back tomorrow. Keep trying WA. Have you applied for tax credits, mortgage interest etc?

babybarrister · 12/04/2014 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalamityKate · 12/04/2014 10:34

Personally I'd borrow money from Satan himself in your situation. My future sanity would be a far smaller consideration than my sanity NOW with my kids away from me.

Original poster
januarycat · 12/04/2014 10:37

I texted to ask them to phone me.
they phoned back!!!!I have talked to them!!!They said they were on their way back. 3yo was crying Sad when he was talking to me (he doesn't usually talk on the phone). he wants me to make a choc cake.
I am going to go out for a very long walk, it helps me think.

OP posts:
fideline · 12/04/2014 10:40

That's very good news january.

NellysKnickers · 12/04/2014 10:45

Sounds hopeful. Stay strong. We are all here for you.

MrsC1969HJ · 12/04/2014 10:48

That's brilliant news, the relief must be immense. Poor 3 yo, what a total shit doing that to his own kids. Now is the time to get help, restrictions in place..etc. I would now insist on contact being supervised at a centre. He has lost any trust you might have had in him and his behaviour is emotionally abusive. Fingers crossed there is no more mucking about and they're back with you very shortly. Stay strong xx

Offred · 12/04/2014 11:04

That is good news. I have everything crossed for you.

I hope you get through to women's aid and want to reiterate that you absolutely do need and deserve their support. There's no shame for you in being so much under his spell, it happens to many of us, it isn't a sign of weakness it is a feature of his horrible abuse if you. You can change it and break free but you will massively benefit from the deprogramming women's aid can offer you.

AnyFucker · 12/04/2014 11:16

JC,, you are going to have to take control in future

Let professionals help you to do that

I am concerned that in the "fog" of your passivity (for whatever reason that may be) something like this will happen again and it is very damaging to your kids

Your thread was terrifying to read, as are your others. You are sleepwalking through your life letting this man yank you whichever direction he likes

Get some help to stop him in his tracks

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 12/04/2014 11:24

That's brilliant news. Let us know when they're home. Smile

Itsfab · 12/04/2014 11:26

I really hope your children are returned on Sunday but I feel you are not in a position to protect your children as you are allowing your ex to dictate everything.

He doesn't want to pay maintenance so he doesn't.

He gas lighted you about when the children were coming back.

He doesn't answer his phone if he chooses not too.

He is bullying you and enjoying the power he has over you.

You weren't forceful enough with the police as you ARE concerned for their welfare otherwise you wouldn't have posted this thread.

MrsC1969HJ · 12/04/2014 11:32

I agree with all recent posts, you simply can't carry on like this. It is time to be proactive. Why isn't this man paying maintenance, why is he allowed to just stomp all over you...and your kids for that matter. The damage will be immense. He has clearly browbeaten you for such a long time you are struggling to stand up to him. Please please seek the help you need to get out of his strangling, emotionally abusive situation, I realise easier said that done, I really do, but you owe it to yourself and your children to remove this prick from your lives as much as you reasonably can! Keep posting and do let everybody know when your kids are back. I have never been so stressed reading a thread as I was last night. How you must been feeling is beyond comprehension xx

LetUsPrey · 12/04/2014 12:50

JC I'm hoping your children are back with you very soon.

On a practical note, speak to the staff at your family court, particularly re the court fee. Ask them if you'd be eligible for fee exemption so that's one less worry re money.

fideline · 12/04/2014 12:53

OP, I posted the link to the freedom project upthread. It is really good and will help you understand the ways in which your ex exercises control and the psychology of your responses.

You desperately need that insight to help you grow stronger and avoid more of these scary shenanigans.

Offred · 12/04/2014 13:20

Yes do FP online but don't treat it as a substitute for RL support from women's aid.

ihatethecold · 12/04/2014 14:10

hopefully the OP is getting some much needed sleep

MarthasHarbour · 12/04/2014 15:44

OP you have a tense few hours ahead of you but it does sound positive.

Stay calm, and when your DCs are home please start reading the excellent advice on this thread (and the other threads that you have posted). And take the advice.

I dont know you but i have felt so anxious reading this since last night and i couldnt just read and run.

Flowers
lavenderhoney · 12/04/2014 16:22

Good news op, but still call reunite on Monday for advice, and your solicitor and ss due to him distressing the dc.

And see your doctor, for the record. And call csa.

Don't let it go. He knows how to fuck you up. You must stop it.

Allice · 12/04/2014 16:36

So glad that you've spoken to them, really hope that they're back soon enjoying your chocolate cake.

forevermore · 12/04/2014 16:56

That's abduction. I would deal with it as if a stranger had taken my child

hotcrosshunny · 12/04/2014 19:52

He has too much power over you.

Take the loan from your DM and get the legal advice. I wouldn't hand the DC over to him ever again.