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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DCs went on holiday (abroad) with soon to be ex H, supposed to be back y'day - no sign.

439 replies

januarycat · 11/04/2014 20:37

early stages of divorce.

The 3yo hasn't ever spent a night away from me. they were supposed to be back y'day. h phoned today to say it will be sunday. he said he'd told me when they left - he didn't, in fact he said they would travel thursday, be back following thursday.

he is playing games & was being very 'oh, dear, did you forget I told you it would be sunday?'

he has made threats in the past to take them away.

I have phoned the police (101) to log it. they said phone back on sunday if no sign & think about getting a court order.

he thinks it's funny & was being patronising & sarcastic on the phone, he finished the call by saying how lovely it was to talk to me. he is doing what he knows will hurt me the most.

Did I do the right thing calling the police. h is emotionally abusive & i often doubt how I feel/think/react.

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
Aussiemum78 · 11/04/2014 23:06

Op can you get a friend to come over and make some calls for you? You sound a bit overwhelmed.

There are several agencies that I would be notifying, firstly to try and locate them, and then to do a welfare check via the local police.

He might just turn up Sunday, but I would act now anyway. You need a strong friend to help you.

beachyhead · 11/04/2014 23:08

How does your cousin know they are still in France?

Aussiemum78 · 11/04/2014 23:09

Can you call the local French police? Did his cousin indicate where they were staying? Do you Know the general area?

Police will locate and check on their safety. You DO have concerns, xh isn't answering phone and hasn't come home on time.

Suttonmum1 · 11/04/2014 23:14

if you get through on phone or send a text can you check how much that costs. Can then tell if his phone is still in the EU.

Walkacrossthesand · 11/04/2014 23:21

Not only does he have Australian citizenship, but OP mentioned in a February posting that he had recently got Australian citizenship for the DCs.., JC, is it possible that he's told you he's keeping them till Sunday to give him a couple of days longer before you raise the alarm when he doesn't return?

hippo123 · 11/04/2014 23:44

Hopefully he's just trying to scare you / wind you up op. But just incase he's not I think I would be doing everything I could to find out 100% exactly where they are.

Tell the police you are concerned for there welfare. You don't know where they are or when they will be back.

Whilst I'm not trying to blame you here at all, I even leave contact details of flights / hotels etc with family members when myself and dh take dc away. You have every right to know such information. If he's not mature enough to answer his phone so you and dc can talk, he's not mature enough to be taking them away. Please don't let him do this to you or your dc again.

Lweji · 11/04/2014 23:48

I'd push it with the police. You agreed to them being away until today, not sunday.

You might also try the British Consulate/Embassy and even Australian, to link with the local authorities.

MrsC1969HJ · 11/04/2014 23:53

I totally agree, ring the Embassy, ring the Consulate. Ring bloody everybody. Ex will freak out when he realises that this has become a much bigger issue than his emotional blackmail/mind games. You DON'T do something like this with children, will they be happy with Dad, will they be asking after you? What a total arsehole he is, am fuming. I really am. Please update asap OP! x

lalah7 · 12/04/2014 00:11

I've no real practical advice to add from what's already been said.
This is every parent's worst nightmare.
Hoping that he's (just Confused) fucking with you and the children will come home to you none the wiser on Sunday.
What an idiot he is!!
Make sure EVERYTHING he's said to you is noted. You need to put some kind of protection order in place to stop him using your children as a weapon like this ever again.
Really feel for you January hope you're ok

Atbeckandcall · 12/04/2014 00:20

Just wanted you to know that you did the right thing by contacting the police. Speak to reunite, I've heard great things about them.

MexicanSpringtime · 12/04/2014 00:48

Oh OP, thinking of you, this is horrible

I am one of the least overprotective parents I know but I wouldn't let my daughter's father take her to the beach because I didn't trust him to keep a proper eye on her.

And must get the doctor to adjust you ADs, they should be wiping you out like that.

Original poster
januarycat · 12/04/2014 02:51

Im going to use this thread as a log.

In the conversation with H - he said the plan all along was to come back on sunday. Yet when I spoke to DS, he said they had only just decided to stay longer.
A last minute decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
januarycat · 12/04/2014 03:02

I know which town they were staying in.
According to DCs cousin they are supppsed to be on route on way back - driving, then ferry. So no clue as to where they are now.

H knew I wouldn't be able to do anything with phoning back as late as he did & with it being the weekend.

OP posts:
imblet · 12/04/2014 04:47

Oh January, hugs to you. I have nothing further to add, you have had so much wise advice in the last few hours, I just wanted to add my support. Have you managed to get any sleep?

Original poster
januarycat · 12/04/2014 04:52

I don't think I will sleep until they are home.

I've been looking at the reunite website.

Can't get through to Women's Aid.

OP posts:
Allice · 12/04/2014 05:00

You poor love, hope you babies are home soon x

imblet · 12/04/2014 06:06

What are your plans today January? Try and focus your thoughts, I know that can be hard with ADs.
I hope you can also get some rest.

RudolphLovesoftplay · 12/04/2014 06:42

This is a really frightening thread and I feel for you. What a terrifying position to be in. I agree with the other posters about not sitting back doing nothing, especially if he has threatened to abduct your children in the past.

Offred · 12/04/2014 07:20

Keep trying lovely, I'm really glad you are ringing. I believe they will be home, probably on Sunday and he may mess you around keeping them with him for a few hours/days after that 'because they are tired' or some shit and then he'll look at how ragged you are or have a visit from the police and he'll call you crazy - which was his aim all along.

Keeping this thread as a log is an excellent idea. X

MatureUniStudent · 12/04/2014 07:26

January. Whilst now isn't the time, to help you feel less controlled by him, had you thought of contacting the CSA? MyEXH earns a lot as yours does and each month the sting of having to formally pay for the DC through the CSA makes me feel powerful and in control. It took me four years to finally contact the CSA and yes he manipulates the CSA (bank accounts in offshore tax havens) but they get money from him.

It's utterly loathsome what he has done.

FlynnRyder · 12/04/2014 07:46

Do you have a confident, capable friend who could help you with the phone calls etc? It sounds like you really need some RL support.

Original poster
januarycat · 12/04/2014 07:58

Thank you for posting advice, it has been a help just to 'talk' . Now i need to act. The ADs have made me numb emotionally.

OP posts:
Objection · 12/04/2014 08:09

Lost of great advice on here, January. I hope everything is ok. keep us updated when you can and look after yourself Flowers

Discomama · 12/04/2014 08:19

What a horrible situation to find yourself in, hope the DCs return safe and sound on Sunday - don't let them go again x

Lweji · 12/04/2014 08:36

Assuming the children are returned on Sunday, and he's "just" likely to be messing up with you, you should start following some basic rules of contact.

  1. communication by email and text only. Or record ALL calls
  2. supervised contact only, at least for a while
  3. get legal advise and draw up a written agreement regarding contact.

For now do kick up a fuss. He may call you mad, but it will be on record and he'll know next time that you'll go down like a ton of bricks. Consulates is France, the French police, uk police again and so on.

Finally, get the child maintenance from CSA.