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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DCs went on holiday (abroad) with soon to be ex H, supposed to be back y'day - no sign.

439 replies

januarycat · 11/04/2014 20:37

early stages of divorce.

The 3yo hasn't ever spent a night away from me. they were supposed to be back y'day. h phoned today to say it will be sunday. he said he'd told me when they left - he didn't, in fact he said they would travel thursday, be back following thursday.

he is playing games & was being very 'oh, dear, did you forget I told you it would be sunday?'

he has made threats in the past to take them away.

I have phoned the police (101) to log it. they said phone back on sunday if no sign & think about getting a court order.

he thinks it's funny & was being patronising & sarcastic on the phone, he finished the call by saying how lovely it was to talk to me. he is doing what he knows will hurt me the most.

Did I do the right thing calling the police. h is emotionally abusive & i often doubt how I feel/think/react.

Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
januarycat · 12/04/2014 20:22

yes, he does have too much power over me.

WHEN they get back tomorrow I will have a battle to get him to leave.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 12/04/2014 20:33

not if you phone the police you wont....

Lweji · 12/04/2014 20:51

Will you let him enter the house?

Lweji · 12/04/2014 20:51

Can you make sure you have someone with you? A neighbour, even?

Original poster
januarycat · 12/04/2014 21:03

we own the house jointly, but he lives in a house he owns (with a male friend).

As soon as the DCs are back I will ask him to leave. He loves an argument but I don't have anything to say to him.

OP posts:
StampyIsMyBoyfriend · 12/04/2014 21:08

Hope they're home tomorrow :(

My 'dad' did this when I was small, makes me feel sick now I'm a parent myself.

Original poster
januarycat · 12/04/2014 21:11

I will have a friend with me tomorrow.

I don't want h any where near the DCs for a while. Ideally I would take them to stay with family. But they will be tired & want to be at home. That will be ok as long as H stays away.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 12/04/2014 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsC1969HJ · 12/04/2014 21:18

Januarycat...as long as he stays away?! I would be seeking an injunction, restrictions, contact centre contact only..nowhere near DC "for a while"...???!?!?! Come on my lovely, you really need to man up with this...he is walking all over you. If he turns up, call the bloody police! You don't have to put up with this shit, you are their resident parent and carer...PLEASE take the advice you have been given because next time might be completely different. You really really need to seek help with this and fast...this is surely the last straw?!

Original poster
januarycat · 12/04/2014 22:29

Of course, monday I will be making lots of phonecalls. I have a list. I have details of a specialist sol (about 20 miles away)from the reunite website.

OP posts:
Original poster
januarycat · 12/04/2014 22:32

Yes, it was the last straw. I am hanging on in there until they are back & I can just hold them.

OP posts:
Original poster
januarycat · 12/04/2014 22:36

Maybe I did over react. I don't know.

OP posts:
BosieDufflecoat · 12/04/2014 22:46

Well, I do know, and you didn't overreact. You did the right thing. You were brilliant.

I'm very very glad to hear you'll have a friend there tomorrow. Make that list of phone calls on Monday. Get straight on with that list of calls first thing without question, and enjoy ticking them off the list, and post here to let us know you've done them.

Don't let him take them again. Keep their passports hidden. This is the most hair-raising thread I've seen on here.

You did the right thing. Keep doing it. x

Hissy · 12/04/2014 22:47

Darling, don't doubt yourself, you did not overreact!

MrsC1969HJ · 12/04/2014 22:48

NO NO NO NO NO, you didn't overreact at all...please put this out of your mind...PLEASE! He has taken your kids, lied about bringing them back, controlled and manipulated you. MAKE those phone calls, stop this in its' tracks...you have so much help at your disposal, please please take it. I totally understand the need to hang on and hold your kids...hold them as if you would never let them go BUT, don't EVER let anything like this happen again. This man is TOTALLY controlling you and now you think you are overreacting?! Please stop, please stop this. You don't have to put up with all this shit and they are YOUR kids...this must never happen again. He cannot be trusted and you cannot trust him. Please take advice given here, please keep posting...you can do this!!! x

springydaffs · 12/04/2014 22:50

No you DID NOT overreact! He's messing with your head using the kids. I wouldn't facilitate a relationship between him and kids in the future.

Hope you get sorted with WA and also get on the Freedom Programme so the scales fall from your eyes and you see this turd for what he is. There is always a back story with relationships like this and your toxic mother is the back story. Amazing how we go straight on into an abusive marriage after an abusive childhood Sad

In future bar all foreign travel with him and the dc's. I kept this up until my youngest was 15 (ex came from a non-Hague Convention country and I caught him applying for passports from his country. I would never have got them back). I put an alert at Border Control which is updated annually - they contact you to ask if you want to renew it.

Get on this lovely. He is capable of the worst so don't be thinking you're overreacting. HOpe they come back safe and well tomorrow. Try not to let him see you upset - he gets off on it (as he got off on his violent ex ) xx

Jollyphonics · 12/04/2014 22:57

OP I don't know you but am I missing something here? Your ex takes your kids on a foreign holiday and brings them back several days late, and you don't know where they are? Is this for real? And you're saying you don't want him near them for a while? I would say that he NEVER sees them again except in a social services contact centre! There's no way I'd let someone take my kids like that and get away with it.

springydaffs · 12/04/2014 23:05

Yes let's hope he's shot himself in the foot with his little stunt ie no contact except in a contact centre (which won't last because he won't be able to use it to control you). Really OP, kids are better off without a 'father' like this.

IAmNotAMindReader · 12/04/2014 23:46

He will try to convince you you have blown this out of all proportion. You haven't, he will be trying to get you to smooth things over so that the next time he pulls a bigger stunt. Protect your relationship with them now. He is not physically hurting them but he is emotionally, he can't be overly concerned with their welfare to even consider playing this game and any assurances you have seen from him to the contrary are more lies while he thinks up the next way he can use them against you. Its all about point scoring against you to him not their welfare, he doesn't really care, he just wants to labour the point and beat you down over it so he can feel he's won. This is why he holds on to it so hard and why it looks like he cares.

People grow apart and separate, they aren't all dicks about holding their kids to ransom with their mother to win a battle that's only going on in his head and whatever else he does.

Blu · 13/04/2014 00:11

You did not over react, that line if thinking is from the emotionally abused part of you. Whatever he says, do not go there .

If anything you under reacted from the start. A non controlled or abused woman would not have let her children go off without knowing exactly where they would be, full address and regular contact . A non abused woman would not have allowed a co sleeping 3 year old unused to being away from his Mum be taken abroad for a week. I am not blaming you, OP, the exact opposite. I am hoping to emphasize the extent to which your ex has a hold of your mind and self esteem.

Don't get caught up in arguing, stay calm and play the slightly longer game of strengthening your rights. And get help . The Freedom Training Programme will help ensure that you never have to go through anything like this again. Good luck!

Blu · 13/04/2014 00:16

OP , his other house : did you post before about him owning the house with a friend but having it in the friend's name to keep the assets from you, or something? Maybe I am thinking of someone else.

Anyway, so pleased you know the kids are on their way.

wigglylines · 13/04/2014 01:31

Women's Aid can be hard to get through to, but if you leave a message they will call you back.

Original poster
januarycat · 13/04/2014 07:41

Plan is to phone police if not here by midday.
Trying to contact them now. I wont let H know about police, it could backfire & I dont want an angry man driving my DCs. Thank you for being supportive.

The 'switching off' emotionally is a coping mechanism. Its not that I dont care.

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 13/04/2014 07:49

Hope they are home soon OP x

tribpot · 13/04/2014 07:51

I'm really hoping they'll be back soon, januarycat.

Get them in the house and then shut the door on him. You can deal with everything else later.

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