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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to feel 'threatened' by my DH's female friend?

257 replies

CowboyJunkie · 07/04/2014 17:13

NC'd for this but regular - yoni massage, T-rex arms, supersoaker etc.

DH and I have been married for 9 years with one DC (10). DS was the result of what was meant to be a ONS but when I found out I was pregnant and told DH we decided to make a go of it. Bearing in mind the circumstances, things have worked out well. He’s a great husband and father.

There is only one thing that nags at me. He has a female friend that he’s known the whole time we’ve been together. He met her about a year before he met me. I found out from one of his other friends, his best man actually, that they (DH and female friend) really fancied each other but at the time they met she was with someone else. Between our 'ONS' and me finding out I was pregnant they were apparently on the verge of getting together as she’d split up with her previous BF but when I told DH I was pregnant he ‘did the right thing’ as his best man put it.

She met and moved in with someone else a few years ago. DH has stayed in touch with her throughout our marriage. They don’t see each other very often as we don’t live close to her and tbh the contact is just emails every couple of months or so. I confess I’ve snooped Blush but mostly been reassured as the emails seemed to be just general chatty catch-ups. Very occasionally DH paid her a compliment but there was nothing to suggest anything untoward. Even so I can never shake off the nagging thought that she’s different to his other friends or more special to DH in some way.

Sometime before Christmas the emails became a bit more frequent and personal as her relationship was obviously in trouble. She seemed to be pouring her heart out about it to DH and he was very supportive and used very warm complimentary language towards her. He rarely talks about her to me so ‘officially’ I didn’t know anything about this IYSWIM.

DH told me earlier, in a ‘hey you’ll never guess’ casual conversation, that she is moving to the city where we live in a few weeks as she has changed jobs or is being relocated or something like that. I asked about her DP and he said they’d recently split up. We live in a small city, it’s not like London where there could still be 30/40 miles between us. He is already talking about helping her to find somewhere to live so she doesn’t end up in a ‘dodgy’ area and I’m half-expecting him to find her a house round the corner or something.

I'm ashamed to admit that after he told me I looked at his emails again. There was one from early March where she mentions the possibility of a job here but then nothing more. There is nothing confirming that she is definitely moving so for him to know this he must have either spoken to her, or deleted the email (why delete that one and leave the older one?) or has switched to another email address I don't know about.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? I feel like there’s unfinished business between them, that the recent emails have brought them closer together and rightly or wrongly I hate the idea of her being on the doorstep and them being able to have a much closer friendship IRL. I felt ‘safer’ when she was 150 miles away IYSWIM. Now I'm also worried that he's having even more secret contact with her. :(

OP posts:
rabbitlady · 07/04/2014 17:18

you are not unreasonable. you've been reasonable all along, and now your instinct tells you that something has changed, so you aren't comfortable.

what do you think you might do about it?

SoldAtAuction · 07/04/2014 17:22

If you take her out of the scene, how are things between you and your DH?

StackALee · 07/04/2014 17:22

Do you trust your DH?

Surely if there's no threat of him straying then it will all be ok.

CowboyJunkie · 07/04/2014 17:27

I don't know what to do :( Part of me thinks I should confront him but that would mean telling him I've been reading their emails. Part of me thinks there isn't any evidence of anything really and I should try to trust him. I'm scared that if I say anything I'm going to come over as the jealous wife stopping him from having a normal friendship.

I suppose I felt like it wasn't really anything to worry about when they were so far apart. Even if he'd wanted to do anything he didn't have the opportunity IYSWIM. But now he would have the opportunity, if he wanted to.

OP posts:
CowboyJunkie · 07/04/2014 17:29

Sorry, x-posts. I'm not very fast typing on my phone.

Things are 'ok' between me and him, I think. Just normal really. He works long hours, I run a little pin money business from home, we do things with our DS together and separately. It's not exciting but it's ok IYSWIM.

OP posts:
EverybodysStressyEyed · 07/04/2014 17:31

You don't have to say you checked the emails

Does he know what the best man told you? I would start with that and say that you've always felt uncomfortable with her because of it and his excitement at her moving to the area has made you uneasy.

Personally, it's the kind of thing I would aske dh outright - do you regret not having a relationship with her before settling down and does he foresee a problem. If he says he just want to be friends then explain why you would be uncomfortable for him to have a friendship with her that didn't include you.

If she is moving to the area there is no reason why it has to be a one on one friendship. Tell him you want to et to know her better!

whatever5 · 07/04/2014 17:40

YANBU to feel uncomfortable about this. Don't mention reading his e mails but let him know that you are uncomfortable about the fact that she is moving to your city because of what the best man told you. This will give you a good reason for insisting that he only sees her when he is with you.

She may be totally innocent but if not it will be important to let her know that he is happily married.

MaidOfStars · 07/04/2014 17:50

Why the fuck would his best man mate ever feel the need to share that with you?

This is your way into the conversation.

itsmeitscathy · 07/04/2014 17:51

YANBU to feel uncomfortable but YABU to read his emails.

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/04/2014 17:56

Yes, what on earth was the best man playing at?

patienceisvirtuous · 07/04/2014 17:58

YANBU. And his best man sounds a right shit

I second the advice to be open re your feelings and ask that he doesn't spend alone time with her.

dreamingbohemian · 07/04/2014 18:03

I agree, you should tell your DH what the best man told you, and have an honest conversation about it.

Worst case scenario, if he was having thoughts along those lines, this might snap him back into reality from fantasy.

I'd also suggest taking this anxiety and worry you're pouring into this friend, and see if you can help make your relationship a bit more than 'ok' (recognising it takes two, of course). If you guys have a really happy marriage and he still cheats, then it was never meant to be anyway.

wheresthelight · 07/04/2014 18:06

Yabu he chose to be with you but that doesn't mean that he has to give up his friends.

You have no real evidence if anything yo be concerned about and are actually massively in the wrong for reading his private emails.

I strongly suggest you either grow up or consider whether you actually want to stay with him as you clearly have no idea of personal boundaries!

MaidOfStars · 07/04/2014 18:07

You have no real evidence if anything yo be concerned about

I found out from one of his other friends, his best man actually, that they (DH and female friend) really fancied each other but at the time they met she was with someone else. Between our 'ONS' and me finding out I was pregnant they were apparently on the verge of getting together as she’d split up with her previous BF but when I told DH I was pregnant he ‘did the right thing’ as his best man put it.

wheresthelight · 07/04/2014 18:10

Heresay is not evidence

whatever5 · 07/04/2014 18:11

wheresthelight- you're a bit naive if you think OP has no reason to be concerned.

wheresthelight · 07/04/2014 18:12

Why does she?? Because she says some friend of her husband has made a few comments

JasonOgg · 07/04/2014 18:13

I would go with your gut reaction. No good can come of her moving closer. My exH had a friend I met once a few months before we married. I can't tell you what it was, she was charm herself, but I knew she was trouble. Roll on 6 years and he walked out on me and our 2yoDD for her. He had an emotional relationship with him that predated ours and was obviously, in hindsight, stronger.
I agree telling him what you have been told. His reaction will speak volumes. Is he more worried about her or your feelings...

formerbabe · 07/04/2014 18:15

I would be very concerned.

For everyone who responds with the old 'don't you trust your husband?' line...stop being so naive and smug.

whatever5 · 07/04/2014 18:17

Why does she?? Because she says some friend of her husband has made a few comments

She has reason to be concerned because she has been that her DH fancies this woman (a lot) and that he fancies her. Now this woman has decided to move to their city. I would definitely watch out if I was in OP's position. It would be naive not to.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/04/2014 18:20

I'd be unsettled and I am 'grown up'.

I'd do what pp suggested and try and talk to him about her and his feelings...

thebody · 07/04/2014 18:21

Oh op I really feel for you and I think most of us will understand exactly your feelings and worries.

I wouldn't tell him you read his emails if only so you can keep doing it ( sorry but I would)

Can you as suggested above obviously not confront him but over a glass or two tell him that you feel a but threatened by her and that you really just need some reassurance if she's moving closer.

The best man sounds a trouble maker by the way.

Keep your chin up, may be nothing in it at all and he's just a good friend but if I were you I would keep a good eye on things.

complexnumber · 07/04/2014 18:21

Worst case scenario, if he was having thoughts along those lines, this might snap him back into reality from fantasy. dreamingbohemian

I completely disagree; the worst case scenario is that you approach/challenge him over the matter and he gets disgusted that you had the audacity to check his e-mails behind his back and decides he no longer wants a relationship with someone who does not trust him and is willing to snoop.

MaidOfStars · 07/04/2014 18:23

Which is why the OP does not mention reading the emails (absolutely not something I would sanction anyway).

wheresthelight · 07/04/2014 18:31

Some people are really pathetic! Heresay is not reason to question and funnily enough men and women cam be friends without sex being involved

People like you are the reason I left my husband because he like you lot decided friend meant lover

Get a grip