AIBU to feel 'threatened' by my DH's female friend?

[CowboyJunkie]

NC'd for this but regular - yoni massage, T-rex arms, supersoaker etc.

DH and I have been married for 9 years with one DC (10). DS was the result of what was meant to be a ONS but when I found out I was pregnant and told DH we decided to make a go of it. Bearing in mind the circumstances, things have worked out well. He’s a great husband and father.

There is only one thing that nags at me. He has a female friend that he’s known the whole time we’ve been together. He met her about a year before he met me. I found out from one of his other friends, his best man actually, that they (DH and female friend) really fancied each other but at the time they met she was with someone else. Between our 'ONS' and me finding out I was pregnant they were apparently on the verge of getting together as she’d split up with her previous BF but when I told DH I was pregnant he ‘did the right thing’ as his best man put it.

She met and moved in with someone else a few years ago. DH has stayed in touch with her throughout our marriage. They don’t see each other very often as we don’t live close to her and tbh the contact is just emails every couple of months or so. I confess I’ve snooped but mostly been reassured as the emails seemed to be just general chatty catch-ups. Very occasionally DH paid her a compliment but there was nothing to suggest anything untoward. Even so I can never shake off the nagging thought that she’s different to his other friends or more special to DH in some way.

Sometime before Christmas the emails became a bit more frequent and personal as her relationship was obviously in trouble. She seemed to be pouring her heart out about it to DH and he was very supportive and used very warm complimentary language towards her. He rarely talks about her to me so ‘officially’ I didn’t know anything about this IYSWIM.

DH told me earlier, in a ‘hey you’ll never guess’ casual conversation, that she is moving to the city where we live in a few weeks as she has changed jobs or is being relocated or something like that. I asked about her DP and he said they’d recently split up. We live in a small city, it’s not like London where there could still be 30/40 miles between us. He is already talking about helping her to find somewhere to live so she doesn’t end up in a ‘dodgy’ area and I’m half-expecting him to find her a house round the corner or something.

I'm ashamed to admit that after he told me I looked at his emails again. There was one from early March where she mentions the possibility of a job here but then nothing more. There is nothing confirming that she is definitely moving so for him to know this he must have either spoken to her, or deleted the email (why delete that one and leave the older one?) or has switched to another email address I don't know about.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? I feel like there’s unfinished business between them, that the recent emails have brought them closer together and rightly or wrongly I hate the idea of her being on the doorstep and them being able to have a much closer friendship IRL. I felt ‘safer’ when she was 150 miles away IYSWIM. Now I'm also worried that he's having even more secret contact with her. :(

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Oh dear OP. I can see why you're worried.

How much of this is about your own insecurity though? You say your marriage is just ok, you've just been staying at home... is that a fair way of looking at it or are you being too hard on yourself?

And again, if you think marriage or life in general could be better, more interesting, then what's stopping you?

You can't change the past, you can't force your DH to think a certain way, but you can try to bring as much happiness into your life as you can. It's a good antidote to jealousy/envy.

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You're welcome. I really do think your feelings are reasonable and you should be able to talk to him about it.

See, if my DH came to me with this, the last thing I would be worried about would be him checking my emails.

I would want to reassure him and ask him why he hadn't spoken to me about it before. I don't know if that is because he could easily access
any of my info he wanted to.

Sorry cowboy - but I do think you need to talk to him. So what if he finds out you snooped , we all make mistakes. It will give you a chance to ask him why the hell is saying thins like 'your so gorgeous ' to her. Even if nothing dodgey is goin on, I think his behaviour is unacceptable. Far more so than you snooping through his emails because of his silly best man

I think this is probably more about the way OP thinks about herself than her DH and his female friend.

OP, you could look at it another way- your DH chose to be with you. He could have decided not to try and make a go of it with you, and get together with this woman- he decided not to. He chose to get a steady job to provide for you and his DS, rather than follow his dreams. He has chosen to stay with you for 10 years. In short he has chosen to be with you.

BTW dreams change. Has he given you indication he is unhappy with his life? Bear in mind, we all have regrets in life- doesn't mean we'd change what we have to go down that path though.

You are wise to be worried; trust your instincts because I think your 'one night stand', 'oh goodness me I'm pregnant, how did that happen?' was a little less disingenuous than you made out and the Best Man was aware of this. The previous girlfriend is making a definite move, something you have half expected; why else would you be checking his emails? Your husband probably knows and is communicating secretly, but at the moment it's all to play for; your marriage seems stale but sound; the girlfriend has sensed this; don't let her, and your husband, spoil it.

Oh to the sanctimonious not checking email.

Lucky you guys then for feeling so secure.

Op of course you shouldn't really but I bet all the ones on here saying they wouldn't bloody well would if they felt the need.

My dh could check mine anytime and it would t bother me if he did, not one flying fuck.

the body

My DP could check my emails if he wanted to and as I have nothing to hide it wouldn't be a problem from that point of view. The fact he felt he needed to would be a sign of real problems though, wouldn't it?

If I found he was surreptitiously checking up on me, I'd be upset. I'd be upset that he didn't trust me in the first place, upset that he went behind my back and upset that he didn't feel he could talk to me.

I don't know if I would check my DPs email behind his back- if I did, I think I'd have to expect he'd be unhappy about it and take it on the chin.

Yes that's exactly why I said not to tell him she looked but come in if you were in her position wouldn't you?

I think dreaming has it spot on.

The body- I'm not sure if I would or not, I like to think I wouldn't but perhaps I would. I do know how I'd feel if it was done to me.

I'm not sure I'd have jumped to the conclusions that OP has based on what the best man said (which may or may not be accurate) alone. I'd be treading carefully, that's for sure. The OP must see that she could be stirring up a hornets nest here- she definitely needs to discuss how she feels with her DH, but I think it is a little hypocritical to demand complete openness and honesty from her DH while being less than honest herself.

And I wouldn't be checking the emails again- if she get's caught it will only make matters worse.

I totally understand why it's bugging you, and think if you stay silent you'll just feel worse and worse.
The way I might deal with it is to admit your own vulnerability, rather than making it about him and getting into their past friendship.

How about something along the lines of;
"Ever since you mentioned XXX moving to town it's been really bothering me, I know this sounds over the top, but I've always felt you two were more than friends, and years ago BestMan told me you would have got together if it weren't for me. It just makes me feel very insecure, even tho I know you wouldn't do anything to worry me, I wanted to tell you how I felt before she comes back into our lives".
That way he knows you feel unsure of their friedship, but you're not accusing him of any wrongdoing.

I have a couple of male friends that things never quite happened with and understand how that 'history' can give concern - however I've lost touch with them since I got married. If I was still in contact and DH told me that the friendship bothered him, I would definitely put him first and I certainly wouldn't ever write anything or say anything I wouldn't be happy for DH to see/hear.

FWIW, lots of blokes give out standard ego-boosting compliments like your DH has done to a woman they know is feeling down - it is just as likely to be a platitude as personal. "You're gorgeous, any man would want you" is not the same at all as "I think you're gorgeous, I still want you".

Hope you can talk to him soon OP, don't let it eat you up in silence.

iams yes that's a fair post and I agree with you.

longTailedTit yes agree with your post too.

I'm a bit upset at the suggestion that finding out I was pregnant was anything other than a massive shock. I told my DH because I thought he had a right to know once I decided not to have a termination. I told him I didn't expect anything and it was his choice to get together properly. I get on fine with the best man and we see quite a bit of him and his wife.

Thank you to everyone else for your advice. I agree that the problem might be with me rather than him. He has other female friends, this woman is the only one that bothers me in this way.

I wouldn't mention reading the emails. I would talk to dh in the basis that him mentioning his friend moving back has brought back memories of a conversation you had with his best man. Tell him what was said and be honest, tell him it makes you feel insecure and see how he reacts. He sounds caring and responsible, so just be honest about your fears.

OP I don't think you should feel that your DH "settled" for you. We aren't in the 1950s and most men wouldn't marry a woman just because she is pregnant with their child. He wouldn't have married you if he preferred the other woman.

I have a male friend of many years. We dated on and off for a while but it never worked out. We met just after university and now we are both pushing 40.

He is one of my closest, dearest friends. I could never envisage a sexual relationship with him now, although we did a few times back in the day. My exH always felt a bit weirded out by our friendship, which I tried to respect. I really missed my friend during this time.

I'm now single, as is my friend. We are still not together, and never will be. We lean on each other for support when we need it and he is often my plus one when I need a partner.

I'm telling you all this because it is entirely possible that your husband and his friend are in a similar place to me and my friend. It isn't true that once you've had sex you can never be friends.

The next time dh mentions her moving to your city, them take the bull by the horn, and mention that you must ALL go out for a drink together. Ie. include yourself in any plans that are made. Prevent the contact being just him and her. By doing that, you are giving the clear impression that he and you are a couple, and also keeping yourself in the loop regarding plans etc.

Longtailtit - good advice

YANBU and I agree with LongTailedTit's suggestion.

OP you poor thing this sort of thing happened to me (a bit different but I get it!)

I wanted to just say never mind the 'he chose me' bollocks - men can be swayed even if they have better at home (they only realise this when it's too late in my experience!)

I personally would go apeshit and probably forbid all private contact with 'friends he used to fancy' but maybe that's because of what's happened to me! Before that I would have been 'oh it will be fine!' - sigh!

I would not feel at all guilty about looking at his emails, lets face it we all would in this situation and he's being inconsistent, I would now go completely livid complete with ultimatums and let him know you got some fire in your belly, because, by god you will kick yourself if he drifts away because he just 'could'.

He may even be flattered deep down?

I've got to say instinct is there for a reason. I paid for ignoring mine and telling myself it couldn't be, I was over imagining things etc. Your inner little voice is reacting to something you have picked up on albeit subconsciously. Don't necessarily go wading in and accusing him of an affair but guard against this friendship becoming one too.

Jesus Christ, OP read his emails, so what? He probably knows that she reads them. They're just emails.

And yes, surprise pregnancies can and do happen, even to the best of us ; )

My situation is very similar to yours OP so I totally get the insecurity.i struggled with that for a good while. My other half is fairly thick when it comes to recognising, or shall we say, anticipating things that like so I learned to be really blunt about my emotional needs -
"I need to feel secure. I don't like feeling insecure. Can you reassure me please?" - like, seriously upfront about it.

It's not about the emails. It's about you. You're looking for reassurance. This issue would have cropped up without the revelation of the emails. Just later.

It's not even really about the other woman, it's about you worrying that he feels hard done by that he 'settled'. God that must feel awful. But he sounds like a really good man, and I'm sure he's deeply in love with you, for your bravery and sense of adventure, for trusting him when you decided to make a go of it, and for being the mother of his child.

Ask him if he's happy. Ask him you (as a couple) are ok. That's always a good start. Communicate. Be sure to ask directly and frankly about the other woman to settle your mind on this matter, but that's not the biggest issue here.

Maybe you need to reconnect a little, if things have been stressful lately or if you've not being having much sex. Maybe you need a holiday.

You're not being unreasonable, it's perfectly reasonable to ask your partner for reassurance when you're feeling insecure. It's unreasonable to depend on it all the time, but it's certainly reasonable to ask every now and then.

I'm sure that you'll feel heaps better after you talk to him.

Really Proclean?

I have no idea what happened in your situation, but not every situation will be the same. Sounds like you had a horrible experience though.

Despite that, I disagree with your suggested course of action. I think acting as you suggest is more likely to cause long-term problems in their relationship than fix them- even if her DH did agree to all her ultimatums as a short-term fix.

The fact is he did chose the OP- he didn't have to. Ok, that may mean nothing and he may be having an affair. Or he may very well not be. However, surely you don't think all men will be "swayed" easily into having an affair?

It is absolutely possible that the OPs DH has done nothing more than support an old friend. Men and women can, believe it or not, be friends without jumping into bed together. I have a very good friend, who I fancied and (briefly) dated when I was about 17- I definitely don't fancy him now, but I do value his friendship.

OP certainly needs to discuss what the best man told her and how she feels about the situation with her DH. This needs to come out into the open, or it will just fester and cause more problems.

However, rushing in with accusations and "ultimatums" etc without any real evidence he's having an affair could very well backfire if he hasn't done anything wrong. What is she going to be livid about? The fact he has stayed in contact with a female friend who he's quite close to? It's not like he's kept her existence a secret. From what OP's said, she hasn't really got any evidence that he's done anything which would justify such an extreme response.

If my DP wrongly accused me of having an affair on the basis of what someone else had been told him about my feelings were for someone over a decade ago, plus some emails he'd read (behind my back), I'm afraid I'd be the one going ballistic. I think I would have to seriously reconsider my relationship with him under those circumstances, as I don't think I could forgive being treated like that. Trust is a two way street.

Threatening your partner into giving up friendships- or only allowing "supervised" contact (although I think treating your partner like an irresponsible child who needs you to police their friendships is ridiculous)- without a very good reason- is a unhealthy and destructive thing to do. Having unfounded suspicions, which you've not bothered to have an adult conversation about, do not count as a "good reason" in my opinion. Even if the partner does agree to the "ultimatums" it is likely to cause resentment in the longer-term.

I simply wouldn't agree to such ultimatums if I hadn't done anything wrong- not because I care for my friend more than my partner- but because what my partner is saying by issuing such an ultimatum is that he doesn't think I can be trusted not to betray him and he doesn't respect me. What foundation for a relationship is that? A relationship which lacks mutual trust and respect is in dire trouble.