AIBU to feel 'threatened' by my DH's female friend?

[CowboyJunkie]

NC'd for this but regular - yoni massage, T-rex arms, supersoaker etc.

DH and I have been married for 9 years with one DC (10). DS was the result of what was meant to be a ONS but when I found out I was pregnant and told DH we decided to make a go of it. Bearing in mind the circumstances, things have worked out well. He’s a great husband and father.

There is only one thing that nags at me. He has a female friend that he’s known the whole time we’ve been together. He met her about a year before he met me. I found out from one of his other friends, his best man actually, that they (DH and female friend) really fancied each other but at the time they met she was with someone else. Between our 'ONS' and me finding out I was pregnant they were apparently on the verge of getting together as she’d split up with her previous BF but when I told DH I was pregnant he ‘did the right thing’ as his best man put it.

She met and moved in with someone else a few years ago. DH has stayed in touch with her throughout our marriage. They don’t see each other very often as we don’t live close to her and tbh the contact is just emails every couple of months or so. I confess I’ve snooped but mostly been reassured as the emails seemed to be just general chatty catch-ups. Very occasionally DH paid her a compliment but there was nothing to suggest anything untoward. Even so I can never shake off the nagging thought that she’s different to his other friends or more special to DH in some way.

Sometime before Christmas the emails became a bit more frequent and personal as her relationship was obviously in trouble. She seemed to be pouring her heart out about it to DH and he was very supportive and used very warm complimentary language towards her. He rarely talks about her to me so ‘officially’ I didn’t know anything about this IYSWIM.

DH told me earlier, in a ‘hey you’ll never guess’ casual conversation, that she is moving to the city where we live in a few weeks as she has changed jobs or is being relocated or something like that. I asked about her DP and he said they’d recently split up. We live in a small city, it’s not like London where there could still be 30/40 miles between us. He is already talking about helping her to find somewhere to live so she doesn’t end up in a ‘dodgy’ area and I’m half-expecting him to find her a house round the corner or something.

I'm ashamed to admit that after he told me I looked at his emails again. There was one from early March where she mentions the possibility of a job here but then nothing more. There is nothing confirming that she is definitely moving so for him to know this he must have either spoken to her, or deleted the email (why delete that one and leave the older one?) or has switched to another email address I don't know about.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? I feel like there’s unfinished business between them, that the recent emails have brought them closer together and rightly or wrongly I hate the idea of her being on the doorstep and them being able to have a much closer friendship IRL. I felt ‘safer’ when she was 150 miles away IYSWIM. Now I'm also worried that he's having even more secret contact with her. :(

He got a 'proper job' instead to provide for me and our DS and he's been great at that, he was promoted really quickly and I was able to be a SAHM.

For me, all of the above and other things you said point to 'not good' (the other things are the fact that he was planning to go a different direction when you got pregnant and also the fact that you perceive your relationship is just ok).

I think in a sense you both settled... for the sake of the child, and that's just a very tenuous link. Add to that the fact that he already potentially had something going with this woman before everything happened with you .... I dunno, I just feel there's danger here and the only way to tackle it is to face it head on and tell him how you feel.

The thing is, if you do that you have to be prepared for him being honest with you and telling you how he feels about her.. because no matter what, he clearly has feelings for her.

What about you? Don't you want more than just 'ok'?

OP, obviously I don't know you or your DH but I'd say things sound absolutely fine between you - normal - and the ONS isn't actually that relevant. We all have potential 'unfinished business' people out there, things have gone weird because your DH's is moving to your city. Please don't do so much soul searching into the past that you actual damage to your relationship regardless of what happens with this woman.

You're right to be suspicious of this woman but you can see her off if you play it well now. Be direct with your DH (muster your confidence, fake it if necessary) but don't sound fussed. Make it sound like it's like you're discussing the fact he might fancy someone off the telly - not like you feel genuinely threatened:

'You know [best man] told me you nearly got together with X and I've always wondered if you had a soft spot for her. Don't spend time helping her find somewhere to live as I wouldn't want people to start talking about you. And I'd hate to think of her using you for rebound kicks.'

Just play it concerned (for him) but secure.

I have a single male friend who is not at all interested in me (I know that because I had crush on him some years ago and he wasn't interested - we ended up being good friends). Whenever I pour my heart to him about failed relationships he always says to me "you are gorgeous, beautiful, smart, you are catch for any man". It doesn't mean he is interested in me, believe me! He truly believes I am great but just not for him. He recently got into relationship with a girl and we still are good friends and I still share with him and he occasionally says to me smth along the same lines.
Don't worry about these words!

Leave BM out of it.

"DH when is X coming? DH, should I worry about her? Or about our little family?"

Said in soft way it will achieve all.

I agree with previous posters that the comment from the best man is the way in. Depending on the dynamics of your relationship, you could tell your H that her being in such close proximity when there's so much close history makes you worried that she wants more than friendship.

Alternatively, you could maybe put it in a more jokey way — how BestMan warned you about this, lucky DH is too smart to risk everything for a reminiscence shag.

Hmmm - well yes I admit I am scarred from my experience, it wasn't even an affair just a young girl got a weird 'thing' for my husband and she was going out with one of his family members.

It caused SO much trouble and a family rift - not least because I wasn't told about her weird messages, I found out when the shit hit the fan so to speak. This made me have doubts about DH that I had never had before and I became unhappy with him and very depressed.

Fortunately, when this came out, the girl lied so much (including that DH attacked her!!) that DH was able to prove his side of the story with some facts but some of the other side of the family were not speaking to him and didn't ever find out he could prove his innocence, they don't speak to him and he hates them now for not listening to him and taking her side! I was shocked, bewildered and wondering what to believe until the truth filtered through!

Family members that DID find out the truth have reported other behaviours of this girl that are very scary too!

It was a real mess at the time and I just don't like anything 'kept secret' now. I can only have things out in the open and sorted out there and then but then I freely admit that this has really affected me and how I feel about secrets so possibly other posters would have more sensible advice.

I think my gut instinct to worry is right. :(

Last night DH started using the laptop. It's a 'family' one but DH and I both have ipads so we rarely use it, it’s mostly for DS’s homework. I asked him what he was doing and he said he had some notes to make and it was easier to type on the laptop than on his ipad. He was still using it when I came to bed. I assumed he was using it to send her an email so this morning after DH has gone to work and DS gone out for the morning with his friend and friend’s mum, I’ve just had a look (I know, I know, please don’t judge me. )

There was no email to her but there is one from DH’s home email sending himself an attachment to his work address. I had a look and it is a list of about 20 links. Each one is a link to a house here from Rightmove, Primelocation, Zoopla etc. For each one DH has made a list of ‘pros’ and ‘cons’. Most of them are factual so the ‘pros’ are things like ‘decent-sized garden’, ‘lots of storage’, ‘potential to add value’. The ‘cons’ say things like ‘no outside space’, ‘over budget’ etc. The bit that’s worrying me is that for every one he has added the distance from our house as a ‘pro’ or a ‘con’, so there is one that has ‘only five minutes away’ as a ‘pro’ and one on the other side of the city is ‘bit far away’ under the ‘cons’.

Worst of all, under one of the houses he has written, just as a comment not as a ‘pro’ or a ‘con’ IYSWIM ‘if you ask them nicely they might leave the four-poster bed!’ : (

I feel so sick and shaky. He lied to me last night when I asked him what he was doing, there’s so many houses and so much thought gone into the notes he must have been doing this for hours, the whole time he was on the laptop. He wants her nearby, he’s thinking about her bed. And he must be emailing her from work now, otherwise he would have just sent the list straight to her from home, surely?

Sorry this is so long, I haven’t really got anyone IRL to talk to about this.

Now's the time to call him up on this and ask him why he lied to you. He is not behaving as he should here at all.

Where was he using the laptop? Was he hidden away?

To be fair, I don't think the content of the email/attachment is particularly problematic. I quite like looking for houses and have previously spent time (entirely unprompted) looking for potential properties for friends. I also wouldn't read too much into the distances nor the four poster bed comment - anyone might have said the same.

The problem here is the secretiveness about an issue (helping a friend house hunt) that is easily justifiable as innocent and motivated by the desire to help a friend out. He could have just said: Oh, I'm having a look at houses for X, here, look at this one, what do you reckon?

So why the secrecy? Well, what do you think he thinks your view of her is? Does he know that you may know about some kind of history? Is it possible that he is trying to be sensitive but is actually digging a hole?

All you're doing now is letting your imagination run wild, time to take a deep breath & ask him about her-I agree the way in is the best man comments.

This could be looked at in two ways.

1. Not good - ie. he wants her to be nearby and hence is helping her to house hunt.

2. good - he is helping her out as a friend, and maybe lost track of time when looking at rightmove etc. It's easy to get carried away when looking at these sites - I've virtually house hunted before in areas I've got no intention of moving to, and before you know it, an hour as gone. Maybe he's picked up your sensitivity to this woman, so wanted to do it discreetly, to avoid any confrontation, and wants to keep everyone happy.

You could say that he wants houses near you as a good thing. I'd worry if the houses were away from your house as then he would keep her more secret. If she is near to your house, then there is more chance of you being involved in this friendship.

I'm hoping for your sake that it's all platonic, and he is just helping an old mate out.

He was in the chair in the living room, until I went to bed I was on the sofa watching TV. I didn't ask to look at the screen or anything. The chair is in a corner next to some shelves with it's back to the window so unless I went over to him and sort of leant over, it's not possible to see the screen. So he was in the same room as me but still quite private IYSWIM?

I don't know what to think. Half of me is trying to tell myself I'm overreacting, the other half just wants to burst into tears or throw up or something.

Yes, your gut instinct to worry is definitely right, or to put it another way, I think you'd be wrong to just assume that it's all innocent and do absolutely nothing.

I agree that the only way you can tackle this really is to have as normal and calm and detached a conversation as possible about it. That's literally all you can do at this point. The calmer you are, the more likely he'll be truthful.

Also though, in the process of that, you more or less have to say that you've been tracking his emails etc. There will be people who'll castigate you about that... I'm not one of them because I don't think you would've done it unless you'd had major suspicions.
Don't though allow a situation where he can come back at you with that as the major focus rather than him/her as the major focus, if you see what I mean.

Personally keep your guard up as yes he may just be being a good friend but from everything you have said the situation could also lead to an affair.

Ask him casually if the friend has decided what she is going to do yet about moving. Then see if he mentions he's been doing house hunting..Also you can mention your concerns about her that have still lingered since the best man's conversation from years ago. See what he says then.
(Personally, I do not criticise you for checking up on him like this. If you had been reassured earlier, you wouldn't be doing it.)

I don't think yabu. You're worried that essentially she's the one that got away. If you hadn't had got pregnant would they have ended up together.

You have to talk to him else it will eat you up inside. Just start by telling him what you know from the best man. See how he reacts. Then lead on to asking him how much he knows about her moving and house buying. The thing is, if he's honest and just tells you, you've got nothing to worry about. If he's hiding information or telling you he's not in that much contact with her, I would worry.

Oh, and do it casually. Don't make a song and dance over it. Just have a chat.

You really need to have that conversation. Could you talk to him about it tonight?

It is still possible he just has friendly intentions, and isn't being open because he doesn't want you to worry when he has no intentions of doing anything. Or maybe he does have something on his mind.

Either way you need to stop reading his emails and start talking to him directly.

You poor thing. This would make me very anxious.

His behavior is well over the top. He sounds besotted.

YABU - for being so insecure and snooping like that. If I found my DP had been reading my emails that would seriously out our relationship in jeopardy.
The upshot is that your relationship should be strong enough to survive a friendship like this, so what if they fancied each other a million moons ago.
She's moving to your town, not much you can do there. They're friends, not much you can do about that either. Your going to have to trust your Dp.

I know I should talk to him. I'm just scared he tells me something I don't want to hear. :(

I'm sorry cowboy. I do think it's best you come out with your fears.

I would also make clear some consequences - you know stuff like 'if you have a secret relationship with her this is going to be very damaging to us...' etc.

I don't think his house buying email was in the 'normal' range of friendship at all. Plus the secrecy and outright lying to you...

You both need marriage guidance counselling together.

Immediately.

Sort it out between yourselves, and then it doesn't matter who blows in from where.

Or, maybe he will tell you something you do want to hear.. Maybe you will tell him something he needs to know about you - that you were rattled by the conversation with the best man years ago and it is now surfacing again.
You have been married a long time, you have a son, a stable set up. It's not a rocky marriage, it's not likely to crumble on the basis of a casual conversation. But I do think if you say nothing, and his behaviour continues down this path, you may not be able to pull him back from the brink in months to come just as easily.
I think Bohemian's suggested conversational opener a bit earlier on the thread is a good one.
Also, don't assume she is actually chasing him.