AIBU to feel 'threatened' by my DH's female friend?

[CowboyJunkie]

NC'd for this but regular - yoni massage, T-rex arms, supersoaker etc.

DH and I have been married for 9 years with one DC (10). DS was the result of what was meant to be a ONS but when I found out I was pregnant and told DH we decided to make a go of it. Bearing in mind the circumstances, things have worked out well. He’s a great husband and father.

There is only one thing that nags at me. He has a female friend that he’s known the whole time we’ve been together. He met her about a year before he met me. I found out from one of his other friends, his best man actually, that they (DH and female friend) really fancied each other but at the time they met she was with someone else. Between our 'ONS' and me finding out I was pregnant they were apparently on the verge of getting together as she’d split up with her previous BF but when I told DH I was pregnant he ‘did the right thing’ as his best man put it.

She met and moved in with someone else a few years ago. DH has stayed in touch with her throughout our marriage. They don’t see each other very often as we don’t live close to her and tbh the contact is just emails every couple of months or so. I confess I’ve snooped but mostly been reassured as the emails seemed to be just general chatty catch-ups. Very occasionally DH paid her a compliment but there was nothing to suggest anything untoward. Even so I can never shake off the nagging thought that she’s different to his other friends or more special to DH in some way.

Sometime before Christmas the emails became a bit more frequent and personal as her relationship was obviously in trouble. She seemed to be pouring her heart out about it to DH and he was very supportive and used very warm complimentary language towards her. He rarely talks about her to me so ‘officially’ I didn’t know anything about this IYSWIM.

DH told me earlier, in a ‘hey you’ll never guess’ casual conversation, that she is moving to the city where we live in a few weeks as she has changed jobs or is being relocated or something like that. I asked about her DP and he said they’d recently split up. We live in a small city, it’s not like London where there could still be 30/40 miles between us. He is already talking about helping her to find somewhere to live so she doesn’t end up in a ‘dodgy’ area and I’m half-expecting him to find her a house round the corner or something.

I'm ashamed to admit that after he told me I looked at his emails again. There was one from early March where she mentions the possibility of a job here but then nothing more. There is nothing confirming that she is definitely moving so for him to know this he must have either spoken to her, or deleted the email (why delete that one and leave the older one?) or has switched to another email address I don't know about.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? I feel like there’s unfinished business between them, that the recent emails have brought them closer together and rightly or wrongly I hate the idea of her being on the doorstep and them being able to have a much closer friendship IRL. I felt ‘safer’ when she was 150 miles away IYSWIM. Now I'm also worried that he's having even more secret contact with her. :(

I'm just scared he tells me something I don't want to hear

You don't need telling that one of the alternatives - there being something to hear but you not being told/finding out for months or years - is far far worse.

And let's not ignore another option - there actually isn't anything to hear.

Oh God. I wish I'd never started snooping. :(

I looked her up on Facebook. After a couple of false starts I've found her. I can't see everything but I can see photos and her recent status updates. There is a photo of her from a few days ago all dressed up at some work event. The reason I know it's definitely her is because there is a comment from my DH saying 'wow, gorgeous!' :( :(

That's bad enough but I didn't think my DH used Facebook. I joined a couple of years ago to set up a page for my cake 'business' and he said at the time that with his employer's social network policy it was easier for him just to not use it rather than have to think about what he was or wasn't saying all the time.

I clicked on his name where it appeared in her comments but it just takes me to a page with his name on but no photo or anything visible. It just says 'to see posts on X's timeline, send him a friend request'. But it must be him. What are the chances of her knowing two men with the same name? It's not like he's called Smith or Jones.

So he's got a secret Facebook account with maximum privacy settings where he's friends with her but he hasn't told me about it or sent me a friend request. That's bad, isn't it? :( :(

I know I have to talk to him about it tonight but I'm dreading it. Every time I think of it, not that I can think of anyhthing else, I start shaking and want to cry.

I would feel threatened too. After your OP, it seemed like a piece of the story was missing- that there was really no reason for you to distrust him. But with your latest update, it seems that he is behaving in a way which justifies your feelings. You know you shouldn't have snooped though- what made you do that in the first place? It's more than the best man comment- you knew they were in contact more than he was letting on?
Even the fact that their friendship is quite secret is odd to me. My dh has a couple of close female friends- he recounts their emails to me, if he meets them he invites me etc.
If he was a man you trusted, it wouldn't matter than she is moving nearby or that they are close.

You have to talk to him. I think it is probably time to lay your cards on the table. Maybe admit that you snooped last night because you were feeling insecure. You are sorry for that but he now needs to explain the exact nature of their friendship and his feelings towards her.

X-post. Yes I'm afraid I would say that's bad. Whether or not there is actually anything going on, there is a lot of secrecy. I'm so sorry OP.

Someone else will hopefully be asking soon with some concrete advice about how to approach it but he's likely to follow a script.

Is it worth asking for this thread to be moved to Relationships? Lots of great advice there.

She's everything I'm not. She's tall and slim and glamorous. All her photos and statuses have loads of comments so she must be really popular.

I know I should stop looking at her page but it's like a compulsion.

I'm so unhappy. :( :(

How do I do that? Do I Just ask MN to move it? I've been on here for ages but I don't post much and rarely start threads.

Sorry to go back to a previous question: if I asked him, what would he say your knowledge of her is? Someone he used to know that happens to be moving nearby?

Just click on "report" and put a message on it saying "can you please move this to relationships".. that should do it.

Busy FB doesn't equate to popularity. Often those with the most populated FB pages are the saddest and loneliest people in real life.

Stop focusing on her now and focus on you. What do you want? What do you need to say to him? What do you need him to say to you? He is the one in the difficult position here because he could potentially lose you. Not her- YOU. HE is the one that needs to explain exactly what is going on and try and win you back. You have the power here.

Sorry, just seen that you included it in a previous reply.

Have just read the entire thread. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Without wanting to make you more anxious, I'd feel the same as you.

That's not to say there's definitely something to be concerned about, just that I'd feel worried enough to want to find out more.

She's everything I'm not

There are positives in that - she hasn't been married to him for nine years and she isn't the mother of his child. You don't describe a terrible relationship with him. Don't let a facebook picture knock your confidence - no one puts their worst photos up.

Gosh OP I feel for you, I really do. I'm not surprised you're unhappy. You need the truth out in the open, hard though that may be, because this web of secrets will destroy you.

I think it's reasonable for you to ask him for some reassurance. I think the looking for a house thing is a bit over involved.

But I'd actually be really unhappy if it turned out a partner had a serious insecurity about the relationship (as you have from the best man's comment) and kept quiet about it for years and years as you have. Because that's quite a big thing to keep secret. It's unfair on one's partner to keep secret worries that could potentially undermine the relationship.

I am normally among the first to call 'emotional affair' but here I think a certain amount of this is about you and your insecurity - what the best man said, you comparing yourself to this woman's facebook page. Those things have nothing to do with your DH.

Oh OP, I think you're right to feel deeply unsettled about the secrecy about the house search. As you said, it's not like a quick "oh such-and-such is a nice safe area", it's considered and involved. I don't necessarily think that automatically means he has any agenda with the location/nature of her home, but the fact he is communicating with her in this very invested way yet deliberately being secretive about is is the key. It seems to me there isn't necessarily something going on between them, but there definitely has the potential to be.

He's also not covering his tracks particularly well, which suggests to me he's convincing himself at the time there's nothing really untoward going on, and yet when confronted ("what were you doing?") he is lying. I would wait a couple of days so it doesn't seem like an obvious knee-jerk reaction freshly after his sending these emails, and take the I've been thinking since you mentioned X is moving here... reminded me of what best man said... need some reassurance approach suggested by Dreaming and others.

I also agree with Dreaming that this feels as though it could be that crucial nip-it-in-the-bud moment, the cold water WTF am I doing wake-up call....

I know it will be a hugely difficult conversation to have, but there's no way around it -- only through it. There is no way to avoid it so you just have to be brave and plunge in.

Don't assume you will hear the worst. Your DH might reassure you. Or even if there was something dodgy brewing, this might be the shock that gets both of you to open up about anything you're unhappy about and start fixing things.

I know you must be scared but you can do this. We're here for you.

Sorry to hear this, OP . I was going to post pretty much the same thing that ViviPru has just said, although I'll add that the existence of a super-private and secret social networking account would really upset me if it turns out to be the case.

I think you need some support before you speak to your DH - your confidence sounds rock bottom. And I also think you need to give your DH some pointers as to where this could all lead, and show him it will not be good.

Could you:
Speak to a mate about it. She will tell you you are fab and that all men have a weak spot (their ego) and this woman is playing to your DH's.

Then, speak to your DH. Tell him you were suspicious as he wasn't acting like himself last night, you checked his email, you spoke to your friend and you really need him to come clean - it isn't normal to be so involved with a friends house move and to try to cover it up from your wife.

The reason your friend is so important is it gives DH a chance to wonder how other people really could see this. Awful as it sounds, he might be ready to convince you there's not a problem, but he might find it harder to influence people further away. Self-preservation and embarrassment might jolt him in to seeing he's being a fool.

Hmm, any of those things separately can be explained away but put them together and a picture is starting to form.. sorry OP. I think your gut is right. His reaction when you mention her will be very telling. Good luck.

You, and mostly him, need to read "Not ust Friends" by Shiley Glass. It explains everything that is going on here, will enable to articulate your concerns and pretty much predict what will happen if someone doesn't put the brakes on here before it is too late.

Just

He's quite secretive OP, especially now you've found the fb account. I'd be concerned as to why.

At least now you have the FB account you can mention that as finding it accidentally (unlike the emails) ie you were curious about this woman due to what the friend told you, and the fact she's moving closer, you found her, then found his account.

Look for his reactions and don't do too much talking. Let him fill the empty spaces.

I'd be a bit sad if my partner had an FB account and hadn't said to me to join as well (though I'm aware probably lots of people here wouldn't be bothered!).

The more I read the more I think if I were you I would be getting quite angry now. You need to speak to him about this and nip this in the bud as soon as you can.

Good luck tonight, make sure you take a few deep breaths and rehearse exactly what you're going to say to him - otherwise it'll all come out as a confused, possibly tearful, rant which won't help things.