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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to feel 'threatened' by my DH's female friend?

257 replies

CowboyJunkie · 07/04/2014 17:13

NC'd for this but regular - yoni massage, T-rex arms, supersoaker etc.

DH and I have been married for 9 years with one DC (10). DS was the result of what was meant to be a ONS but when I found out I was pregnant and told DH we decided to make a go of it. Bearing in mind the circumstances, things have worked out well. He’s a great husband and father.

There is only one thing that nags at me. He has a female friend that he’s known the whole time we’ve been together. He met her about a year before he met me. I found out from one of his other friends, his best man actually, that they (DH and female friend) really fancied each other but at the time they met she was with someone else. Between our 'ONS' and me finding out I was pregnant they were apparently on the verge of getting together as she’d split up with her previous BF but when I told DH I was pregnant he ‘did the right thing’ as his best man put it.

She met and moved in with someone else a few years ago. DH has stayed in touch with her throughout our marriage. They don’t see each other very often as we don’t live close to her and tbh the contact is just emails every couple of months or so. I confess I’ve snooped Blush but mostly been reassured as the emails seemed to be just general chatty catch-ups. Very occasionally DH paid her a compliment but there was nothing to suggest anything untoward. Even so I can never shake off the nagging thought that she’s different to his other friends or more special to DH in some way.

Sometime before Christmas the emails became a bit more frequent and personal as her relationship was obviously in trouble. She seemed to be pouring her heart out about it to DH and he was very supportive and used very warm complimentary language towards her. He rarely talks about her to me so ‘officially’ I didn’t know anything about this IYSWIM.

DH told me earlier, in a ‘hey you’ll never guess’ casual conversation, that she is moving to the city where we live in a few weeks as she has changed jobs or is being relocated or something like that. I asked about her DP and he said they’d recently split up. We live in a small city, it’s not like London where there could still be 30/40 miles between us. He is already talking about helping her to find somewhere to live so she doesn’t end up in a ‘dodgy’ area and I’m half-expecting him to find her a house round the corner or something.

I'm ashamed to admit that after he told me I looked at his emails again. There was one from early March where she mentions the possibility of a job here but then nothing more. There is nothing confirming that she is definitely moving so for him to know this he must have either spoken to her, or deleted the email (why delete that one and leave the older one?) or has switched to another email address I don't know about.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? I feel like there’s unfinished business between them, that the recent emails have brought them closer together and rightly or wrongly I hate the idea of her being on the doorstep and them being able to have a much closer friendship IRL. I felt ‘safer’ when she was 150 miles away IYSWIM. Now I'm also worried that he's having even more secret contact with her. :(

OP posts:
CowboyJunkie · 09/04/2014 14:04

Sorry I meant to say thank you to everyone for your supportive posts, even though I might not have agreed with everything everyone said it was a big comfort to get so much advice and support.

OP posts:
struggling100 · 09/04/2014 14:09

DH and I read each other's email all the time, except around birthdays/Christmas etc when it might spoil a surprise. I honestly think it helps us a lot. Firstly, nothing is hidden so there is not even the fear of mistrust. Secondly, if we thought about writing something or interacting in a way that the other person thought was inappropriate, then that would be a 'red flag to self' moment that he interaction wasn't appropriate and should be discontinued.

Trust isn't just blind faith, it's a matter of behaviour: you don't act in a way that gives the other person any cause for concern, and you share everything as much as you can and make decisions together. OP, I don't think you should feel bad.

DoJo · 09/04/2014 14:39

CowboyJunkie - Glad everything seems to be getting back on an even keel, and hopefully you will be able to move past this soon and with a new-found appreciation of one another.

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 09/04/2014 14:54

Maybe in your discussion tonight you could talk about re-setting some boundaries. For example, you may be fine with his friendship with the woman to continue but you would like him to think about how randomly complementing her affects you and to understand she is in a vulnerable place and may develop feelings for him etc etc. Most people dont set out to have affairs so i think he needs to think about how their relationship has changed since she has had a brake up and try to avoid crossing any lines.

QuiteSo · 09/04/2014 15:27

Is it possible he's been having an affair with her for several years? His defensiveness about the emails is suspicious.

Good on you for reading his email. I uncovered my husband's affair by reading his texts to the OW. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner and save myself six months of being played for an absolute fool.

AnyFucker · 09/04/2014 15:35

OP, I also think that you and he will be ok

I hope for your sake though that you don't accept whipped dog status

It would be a shit place to be to feel you can never question anything he does, wouldn't it ?

SlimJiminy · 09/04/2014 16:06

Most people don't set out to have affairs so i think he needs to think about how their relationship has changed since she has had a brake up and try to avoid crossing any lines

This - really pleased to hear that you haven't "blown it" as you suspected op - but I'd also make sure that he can see YOUR perspective and HER perspective in all this.

sykadelic · 09/04/2014 19:00

I'm sorry but I agree with others who said he's got away scot free about the house list.

Yes you've been reading his emails, but I think he reaction is a total OVER reaction... he'd be ticked but not as furious as he was. My response would have been "Why? Did you see that I've not done anything wrong?" because, there wouldn't be anything to be worried about. My husband can spy all he likes, I have nothing to hide and he'd notice that himself. I feel like your DH's reaction is because he had to stop and think about what he'd been hiding.

He STILL needs to explain this list and why the 4 poster bed comment was appropriate, and why living far from him is a "con". He has to understand why that would make you uncomfortable. It doesn't matter that you found the list by snooping, what matters is that thinking you wouldn't see it, he wrote inappropriate things for a married man to write.

Maybe you're insecure, and the BM didn't help that at all and neither did your feelings that he only stayed with you because of the baby... you probably wouldn't have believed him that early into the relationship anyway. That's not about lack of trust (well it is) but also because of the situation and your own self-esteem issues.

You must realise you're not 100% at fault here. Your faults do not absolve him of that list, at the very least, nor calling her gorgeous... It does not feed your insecurities well.

sykadelic · 09/04/2014 19:04

Also, why did he never mention FB to you? He said he sent you a friend request (which you saw) but never thought to mention he'd signed up?? Never thought to say "How come you haven't added me?"

He most definitely shares a portion of the blame in the miscommunication here.

Pukkapik · 09/04/2014 20:50

OP, I would be encouraged by your DH and what he has said today.
I truly hope you have a very reassuring conversation with him this evening which puts a lot of worries to rest.
I hope this whole episode brings you so much closer together.
Lots of love.

silverlight · 09/04/2014 23:23

Just checked on today's post and was saddened and not a little annoyed at VenusDeWillendorf s comment that "men can't have women friends".
Honestly Venus that's a really silly thing to say, why would you think that?

MexicanSpringtime · 10/04/2014 04:07

It sounds, Cowboy, that you just lack self-confidence. It is understandable the way your marriage started, especially with the horrible comments of the BM. I think you need to apologise to your DH and explain that it was due to your feelings of insecurity, not because you think he is the unfaithful type.
He sounds nice.

NotNewButNameChanged · 10/04/2014 09:08

Silver - as a man with many female friends, including a female best friend, none of whom have ever been more than and in some cases we date back half our lives (now 40), I also find comments like Venus's really annoying and borderline offensive, actually. It basically denigrates both sexes. as being unable to control themselves.

CowboyJunkie · 10/04/2014 10:00

Ok, last update from me.

We had a really great talk last night. Grin We were both really honest with each other. DH acknowledged that there is a fine line between 'private' and 'secretive' and that he needs to be more careful not to cross it. He was really keen to understand why I feel so insecure. There are lots of reasons, not all or even mostly to do with him but he did say that he is guilty of assuming I know he thinks I'm great so he needs to make sure he says and shows it more. I think I'm going to explore solo counselling about it as well. He is encouraging me to take some advanced sugarcraft courses so I can expand the range of cakes I do (I'm mostly self-taught and tend to stick to cartoony types for children) as I'd love to do wedding cakes but have always thought the elegant style would be beyond me. He's doing his best to convince me I can do anything I want to.

We talked about his friend as well. DH said that obviously he'd prefer to stay in touch with her as they've been friends for so long but that my peace of mind is most important. I felt really stupid when he explained about the 'pro' and 'con' distance thing. We live in a mostly residential area so I assumed she'd be working in the centre of town, but she is moving to take over the running of a centre/complex (don't want to say too much as don't want to out her or us) which is on the edge of our estate, so the distances weren't from our house as I'd assumed but from where she will be working. Blush He emailed it to himself at work because 4 or 5 of the houses on the other side of the city are all on or very near the same estate where one of his colleagues lives, and he wanted to ask them what it was like so he could either take them off the list or leave them before sending the list on to her. Because a lot of her work will take place in the evenings and she'll have some mornings free, DH suggested that I introduce her to some of my SAHM/PT friends so that she isn't so dependent on him/us for friendships or social life.

He also said that he hasn't changed his passwords as he wants to be able to trust me to trust him and because he's got nothing to hide. That's going to be my biggest challenge as it's become almost a compulsion. I think that's one of the first things I need to talk about with a counsellor.

We ended up cuddled up on the sofa with a glass of wine looking at houses together on his ipad, he showed me some of the ones he'd listed for his friend and we ended up playing the 'if we won the lottery we'd buy this house and this house and this house' game (it would be an achievement because we don't play the lottery but never mind. Grin ) Oh and the 4-poster comment was because it was so OTT especially as the house was a bog-standard 2-bed terrace, he showed me the photo and it was a bit much for the room! (think mega pink and flouncey!)

So all in all I think we both feel much happier. I know I do. Thank you all again, so much, for letting me ramble on here and helping me get it sorted. Thanks

OP posts:
BedmonsterSlayer · 10/04/2014 10:14

Glad it's all ok, and I'm pleased for my gender that all was above board, showing that us men can sometimes be trusted , unlike much of mumsnet seems to believe !

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 10/04/2014 11:09

That sounds really good Cowboy! I'm pleased for you.

Pukkapik · 10/04/2014 12:28

You have a very lovely DH!

AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 12:39

That sounds much better, op

croquet · 10/04/2014 12:48

hurray!

coppertop · 10/04/2014 13:03

Well done, CowboyJunkie. :)

Bitofkipper · 10/04/2014 13:13

What a rare and lovely thing, a happy outcome on Mumsnet.

Cheered me up. Very happy for you OP.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 10/04/2014 13:31

A great outcome op, hurray

ViviPru · 10/04/2014 13:43

Glad to hear it. Now be off with you and do a sugarcraft course will you.

MexicanSpringtime · 10/04/2014 15:08

Brilliant news, cowboy. I'm so happy for you both.

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 10/04/2014 15:14

Thank god for that. Maybe there is a lesson in this for all of us.9