AIBU to feel 'threatened' by my DH's female friend?

[CowboyJunkie]

NC'd for this but regular - yoni massage, T-rex arms, supersoaker etc.

DH and I have been married for 9 years with one DC (10). DS was the result of what was meant to be a ONS but when I found out I was pregnant and told DH we decided to make a go of it. Bearing in mind the circumstances, things have worked out well. He’s a great husband and father.

There is only one thing that nags at me. He has a female friend that he’s known the whole time we’ve been together. He met her about a year before he met me. I found out from one of his other friends, his best man actually, that they (DH and female friend) really fancied each other but at the time they met she was with someone else. Between our 'ONS' and me finding out I was pregnant they were apparently on the verge of getting together as she’d split up with her previous BF but when I told DH I was pregnant he ‘did the right thing’ as his best man put it.

She met and moved in with someone else a few years ago. DH has stayed in touch with her throughout our marriage. They don’t see each other very often as we don’t live close to her and tbh the contact is just emails every couple of months or so. I confess I’ve snooped but mostly been reassured as the emails seemed to be just general chatty catch-ups. Very occasionally DH paid her a compliment but there was nothing to suggest anything untoward. Even so I can never shake off the nagging thought that she’s different to his other friends or more special to DH in some way.

Sometime before Christmas the emails became a bit more frequent and personal as her relationship was obviously in trouble. She seemed to be pouring her heart out about it to DH and he was very supportive and used very warm complimentary language towards her. He rarely talks about her to me so ‘officially’ I didn’t know anything about this IYSWIM.

DH told me earlier, in a ‘hey you’ll never guess’ casual conversation, that she is moving to the city where we live in a few weeks as she has changed jobs or is being relocated or something like that. I asked about her DP and he said they’d recently split up. We live in a small city, it’s not like London where there could still be 30/40 miles between us. He is already talking about helping her to find somewhere to live so she doesn’t end up in a ‘dodgy’ area and I’m half-expecting him to find her a house round the corner or something.

I'm ashamed to admit that after he told me I looked at his emails again. There was one from early March where she mentions the possibility of a job here but then nothing more. There is nothing confirming that she is definitely moving so for him to know this he must have either spoken to her, or deleted the email (why delete that one and leave the older one?) or has switched to another email address I don't know about.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? I feel like there’s unfinished business between them, that the recent emails have brought them closer together and rightly or wrongly I hate the idea of her being on the doorstep and them being able to have a much closer friendship IRL. I felt ‘safer’ when she was 150 miles away IYSWIM. Now I'm also worried that he's having even more secret contact with her. :(

I think if OP wants total honesty and openess that has to start with her.

I can't see an issue with a wife discussing something she has heard (hearsay or not) about her dh with her dh. No need to be accusatory - just matter of fact.

Also don't see why her dh would want a relationship with this woman that excludes his dw. No evidence that's what would happen but no problem flagging up that she would like her to be a family friend rather than just his friend. Again, can't see why that wouldn't be the default setting.

complex I don't think she should tell him she read his emails

What I mean is -- right now it's possible (not certain) that he may be thinking of spending some time with his friend, emotionally reconnecting, maybe seeing if something could happen.... all in a very vague way...

If his wife has this conversation with him, letting him know she's aware of previous history, that might be a cold dash of water on the whole thing. He'll know she'll have her eyes open, at the very least, and also in having the conversation have to really confront what could happen, and the impact of his choices.

Why does it need to be family Blair his friend.

Are all your friends "family friends"? What very sad lives you must lead if you cannot have your own friends

No wonder couples stop inviting their single friends to things. a) a man and woman can't be friends (b) single women will try and steal your fella or at least fuck him........apparently.

If she was a man or a lesbian OP wouldn't give a shit. It's like when they stick two gay guys in big brother because they are definitely going to fuck....,apparently. Because all gay people will fuck like all men and women in a friendship will. Its bizarre.

The problem is they aren't just friends. They are friends who used to fancy each other and nearly got together.

I'm not sure what you would say to him to be honest- and I'm not sure you have any evidence that he's done something wrong.

The best man sounds like an idiot- I have no idea why he needed to tell you all that. In my opinion that knowledge has coloured you're views- quite possibly without any real grounds. Has your DH given any other cause for concern?

From where I'm standing, it sounds like he could have got together with this woman but he chose to be with you instead. And he's stayed for at least 10 years. You say you have a decent relationship- he's a good husband and father. You've snooped through his emails, and haven't found anything incriminating. What exactly are you basing your concerns on?

I imagine he has spoken to her, rather than deleting an email (he doesn't know you've read his emails) or having an email account that you don't know about. It doesn't mean he's been phoning her "in secret"- unless he has told her he doesn't speak to her? I'm genuinely confused on this point.

I'd also be wary of accusing him of anything without more than a hunch. It may cause problems in your relationship, where there aren't many now. That said- there is a problem in your relationship- you don't trust him. And I'm not convinced it's necessarily as a result of your DH's behaviour.

If my DP confronted me on a similar basis, I'd be incredibly hurt and seriously angry.

If he wanted banned me from seeing/speaking to a friend without being present on the basis of events from 10 years ago (which may or may not have been accurately reported to you), I'd be pretty annoyed. And probably refuse.

Be careful about how you raise this with your DH.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to mention to your husband that you have always felt a bit threatened by this woman based on what his best man told you - you don't have to accuse him or indicate any concerns about his behaviour, but acknowledge how you feel and ask him to be considerate of that. His reaction may reassure you, or you may still feel awkward, but it's unfair to analyse his every move and conversation without giving him the chance to modify any behaviour which may make you feel insecure.

I have my own friends but dh knows them all to varying degrees and I his (except some colleagues). Sometimes I go out just with friends and sometimes partners come - all or some. It's not generally an issue.

In this situation I would want to get to know her. Not saying dh couldn't meet up with her on his own but I would want to meet her and possibly be friends with her too (as I generally think dh has good taste in friends!).

Problems fester when things are hidden. Having an honest conversation about what the best man said and how he feels about the situation just brings things into the open.

If I were the dh in this situation I wouldn't have a problem with a conversation along those lines. Not sure why it would create more problems.

Some people are really pathetic! Heresay is not reason to question and funnily enough men and women cam be friends without sex being involved

I think that it depends on who provides the "heresay" I would assume that OP's DH's best friend had no reason to lie so what he said was probably true.

In some ways she is a red herring

The best man clearly made op think that her dh settled with her and this is a nagging worry. I would have the conversation with him so that he can reassure you that this seed of doubt the best man planted

... Is bullshit. Not sure what happened there.

Sorry I don't think I explained the best man thing very well. It wasn't a recent conversation. It happened years ago but I've never forgotten it. I don't know if the BM would even remember it. He was quite drunk and he said something in a way that made it obvious he thought I already knew more than I did. I played along to find out as much as I could IYSWIM. I never said anything to my DH at the time and it was such a long time ago I feel like the time to raise it has passed.

Like I said my DH doesn't really talk about her. When he said it today it was in a 'oh, do you remember me telling you about X, well she's moving here soon' casual way. I think it would seem a bit strange to him if I suddenly told him I felt threatened by her since as far as he is concerned I don't ever hear about her or know anything about her. I can't see how I can raise it without confessing about reading the emails.

My dp's best mate said some awful things to me and to dp when we first got together as he was frightened of losing his friend as dp's exw refused to allow him to have friends - so yes he may have a reason to lie!

You raid it by saying mentioning her has reminded you of the best mn conversation and take it from there. It doesn't really matter how long ago that conversation was

I agree Everybody - as long as it was just along the lines of "best man told me x, y,z and this has made me feel uncomfortable", rather than sitting down and accusing him of anything.

I would also point out that if OP wants honesty and trust, she'd better stop snooping on him via emai- sooner or later he's likely to find out. And it's also a tad hypocritical to expect honesty and openness from him while snooping on him behind his back.

I have friends that are independent of DP- he would know them to speak to and is able to happily socialise with them as part of a group, but they aren't friends. They wouldn't meet up independently. I wouldn't necessarily object to them becoming friends, but I would find it a bit odd if DP demanded to be their friend because they were mine. What if this woman and the OP have little in common- how can they become friends? What if this woman is happy enough to be "friendly" with OP but doesn't want to be bosom buddies? Should the OP then assume that this lady is intending to "steal" the OPs DH?

Some of my friends are heterosexual males (one is even single). I'm genuinely a bit at all the comments suggesting men and women can't be friends without them jumping into bed/have a torrid affair. Even if they fancied each other 10 years ago- you know these things can change. I find it a bit much, really.

I do think you should tell your DH about your insecurities regarding this woman, but I totally disagree with the people saying that he shouldn't have her as a friend.

I am sixty and have an Ex-boyfriend whom I love deeply as a friend but cannot visit because his wife is jealous. I find that incredible as after we separated we had years when we could have got back together if we had ever wanted to.

Your husband and this lady may have felt an attraction twelve years ago but they never acted on it, supposedly because she was in a relationship and then because he was in a relationship. What has changed?

My dp's best mate said some awful things to me and to dp when we first got together as he was frightened of losing his friend as dp's exw refused to allow him to have friends - so yes he may have a reason to lie!

The OP hasn't said that she had any other problems with the best men though. Anyway, I said that it was probably true not that it was definitely true.

I think you are being out of order. Snooping in someone's personal correspondance for years and years without any reason for suspicion is despicable and unworthy of a fully grown adult IMHO. The only thing you have discovered through invading your life partner's privacy again and again is that if you keep digging for long enough you will find something to be paranoid about.

We all have people who we had or nearly had history with. We all have the right to mixed-sex friendships, and to our own space for friendship, even within marriage. How can you know exactly what tone an email cheering a close friend up after a breakup was meant in? He has been a good husband and a father for nearly 10 years. What more does he have to do to earn your trust?

How about:

Something's been bothering me since the other day, when you told me X was moving here. I never told you this before, but your idiot best man told me a long time ago that you nearly got together with X right before deciding to make a go of it with me. The way he said it, kind of made me feel like you just settled for me. I've tried to forget about it all these years but with X moving here, I'm afraid it's come back to bother me a bit. I trust you and I know you haven't done anything wrong, but could we talk about what happened between you two?

Whoever said it makes me feel like my DH has 'settled' for me (sorry, can't see on phone) is spot on. I do sometimes feel like i wouldn't blame him for thinking I trapped him into marriage even though the pregnancy was a massive shock to me. He was a really creative type when we met, a talented musician and he was hoping to make a go of that. He got a 'proper job' instead to provide for me and our DS and he's been great at that, he was promoted really quickly and I was able to be a SAHM. His friend is a really glamorous creative type too and she has sort of lived the lifestyle he wanted. She's not a musician but she works with all sorts of interesting people (from what I gather from her emails) and has done loads of cool stuff while I've just sat at home looking after DS and playing around making cakes.

The other thing, sorry if it seems like drip feeding but my OP was so long to start with, is when she was confiding in him when her relationship was going down the tubes, he replied saying things like 'you're so gorgeous, any man would want you'. :(

You sit down with him and sat that when he mentioned X it reminded you of something BM told you years ago. Then tell him what was said.
You say it bothered you at the time but decided to put it down to BM being drunk and decided to forget about it. But as she's moving to the area it's brought it up got you again and suddenly you're feeling worried.

Then don't say another word, just see what he says. Don't put words in his mouth, don't say "you're probably being silly" just wait for him to start talking then take it from there.

The questions you do want to ask though (but only he's started talking) are

• have you always stayed in touch?
• will you be meeting up with her often?
• do you think she's the one who got away?(at which point if he says yes, maybe or something like that, you say so do you think it's going to be good for our marriage for you to get close to her again?)

I totally agree btw that men and women can be friends, that people can have their own friends without them having to be 'family friends', etc.

I think the issue here is what the best man said, whether or not it's true, and how it made you feel. You can't get answers to that on your own. You need to talk to him.

dreamingbohemian that sounds like a good way to start, thank you.

OP, you snooped on his e-mails. You do not have any moral high-ground, (though you haven't claimed otherwise)

You will squirm with uncertainty until you either admit to what you have done and hope he has the decency to be honest about the situation, or keep quiet and accept that he is already being honest.

(or snoop even more)