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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to feel 'threatened' by my DH's female friend?

257 replies

CowboyJunkie · 07/04/2014 17:13

NC'd for this but regular - yoni massage, T-rex arms, supersoaker etc.

DH and I have been married for 9 years with one DC (10). DS was the result of what was meant to be a ONS but when I found out I was pregnant and told DH we decided to make a go of it. Bearing in mind the circumstances, things have worked out well. He’s a great husband and father.

There is only one thing that nags at me. He has a female friend that he’s known the whole time we’ve been together. He met her about a year before he met me. I found out from one of his other friends, his best man actually, that they (DH and female friend) really fancied each other but at the time they met she was with someone else. Between our 'ONS' and me finding out I was pregnant they were apparently on the verge of getting together as she’d split up with her previous BF but when I told DH I was pregnant he ‘did the right thing’ as his best man put it.

She met and moved in with someone else a few years ago. DH has stayed in touch with her throughout our marriage. They don’t see each other very often as we don’t live close to her and tbh the contact is just emails every couple of months or so. I confess I’ve snooped Blush but mostly been reassured as the emails seemed to be just general chatty catch-ups. Very occasionally DH paid her a compliment but there was nothing to suggest anything untoward. Even so I can never shake off the nagging thought that she’s different to his other friends or more special to DH in some way.

Sometime before Christmas the emails became a bit more frequent and personal as her relationship was obviously in trouble. She seemed to be pouring her heart out about it to DH and he was very supportive and used very warm complimentary language towards her. He rarely talks about her to me so ‘officially’ I didn’t know anything about this IYSWIM.

DH told me earlier, in a ‘hey you’ll never guess’ casual conversation, that she is moving to the city where we live in a few weeks as she has changed jobs or is being relocated or something like that. I asked about her DP and he said they’d recently split up. We live in a small city, it’s not like London where there could still be 30/40 miles between us. He is already talking about helping her to find somewhere to live so she doesn’t end up in a ‘dodgy’ area and I’m half-expecting him to find her a house round the corner or something.

I'm ashamed to admit that after he told me I looked at his emails again. There was one from early March where she mentions the possibility of a job here but then nothing more. There is nothing confirming that she is definitely moving so for him to know this he must have either spoken to her, or deleted the email (why delete that one and leave the older one?) or has switched to another email address I don't know about.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? I feel like there’s unfinished business between them, that the recent emails have brought them closer together and rightly or wrongly I hate the idea of her being on the doorstep and them being able to have a much closer friendship IRL. I felt ‘safer’ when she was 150 miles away IYSWIM. Now I'm also worried that he's having even more secret contact with her. :(

OP posts:
SlimJiminy · 08/04/2014 16:06

You definitely need to have that conversation with him sooner rather than later - you're getting yourself all worked up based on some shit stirring something his Best Man said 10 years ago. None of this says "definite affair" to me, but I'd also want to be honest with my DH about my insecurities so he could reassure me. I wouldn't mention the emails or the Facebook stalking - just what his Best Man said and linking that to her move. Let him do the talking from there.

Oh, and GET OFF FACEBOOK!!! It won't do you any good to go stalking her and/or him. Get talking - that'll be so much more productive than snooping around online. Good luck Thanks

croquet · 08/04/2014 16:17

When I was younger I was the female friend to a couple of fellas like this.

I would have sworn it was just platonic but really it was a long, deep friendship based on a high level of compatibility which we both knew it would be possible to convert into love. I've had male friends I've emailed like that (i.e. like this woman is) when my ex-relationships have been on the rocks... again at the time I would have sworn it was just friendship. I'm very modern, independent etc. And these guys wouldn't have been my rebounds.

I've since knocked that on the head as I have met my perfect DH and realised these things were not problems but obstacles to full commitment. I've thought about it a lot since actually, as trimming back these attachments did mean effectively losing very close friends. With a bit of distance I've realised they were attachments that might have seriously turned into love, marriage etc. in other circumstances. They are choices I didn't make at the time but which I hadn't wanted to completely close down... To be truthful with myself now I always felt I had something special with these friends that would outlast and be stronger than any relationship, which certainly isn't right.

I believe it's called keeping someone on the backburner. I didn't even know I was consciously doing it.

Bit digressive sorry. If I were you I would, despite the fact that it will make you seem unreasonable and illiberal, try to shut down this friendship in the most dignified way possible. It is not like a flirty girl at work but more like someone with whom, if he adjusted his lenses a little in one direction, your DH might seriously be able to see himself with or fall in love with.

croquet · 08/04/2014 16:19

ps I wouldn't mention the emails! Just say emphatically that you know they are still in touch.

TheVictorian · 08/04/2014 16:21

Op could you could have an open relationship so it keeps your marriage together and so that your both happy ?.

croquet · 08/04/2014 16:27

Ok, just read whole thread, and my advice still stands x100. Nip it in the bud. Tell him you and he have a real relationship and that you love him, very passionately (that does come across here). You love your child and the family you have together. Tell him you understand that when he was young he had lots of attention from women and lots of friends - after all he caught your attention. But the time to have dodgy, flirty friendships is over. Tell him you feel this woman is unattached and a threat to your relationship, and that you strongly prefer he minimises contact with her. You don't have to say how (people get too hung up on evidence) - but just say you KNOW she's too close and you need him to separate from her. Call it female intuition - which really it is. You did get a sense of this.

You're perfectly within your rights. In fact it's called protecting your marriage.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2014 16:34

I doubt very much that the solution for OP is to suggest they have an open relationship Hmm

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 08/04/2014 16:35

Op could you could have an open relationship so it keeps your marriage together and so that your both happy

Am I the only one thinking 'wtf?' to this? How on earth is that a solution to keeping the OP happy?

croquet · 08/04/2014 16:37

Yes that is the worst nonsense. What he is doing at the moment, which is wrong, is treating it as an emotionally open relationship.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 08/04/2014 16:46

If anything it's the OP's DH that needs to be open, about what he's saying to this friend and any feelings he may or may not have.

CowboyJunkie · 08/04/2014 16:52

I don't want an open relationship, but thank you for taking the time to comment.

Thanks for your support everyone. I'm going to try and find the courage to have a conversation with DH about it tonight.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 08/04/2014 16:54

Rooting for you OP.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2014 16:54

OP, think of it this way

If you talk about it with him now (instead of burying your head and hoping it will go away) you are trying your best to give him a chance to realise where this might be going and to knock it on the head

If all goes wrong further down the line, at least you will know you tried to do that

dreamingbohemian · 08/04/2014 16:55

Good luck OP

We're here if you need us

Be brave, you can do this!!

croquet · 08/04/2014 16:56

Good luck. My sense is that he will be initially furious and accuse you of jealousy and being conservative (of course it's ok to be friends with girls etc!). Keep your powder dry - don't be led into a row. Let him go off and think. Say your clear demand for him to lessen their bond. I wouldn't even ask him how he feels about her - I would just say you know he is probably flattered etc. finds the shared history makes them close.

He will go away and think and I reckon he will come round. Your aim should be to make it obvious that yours is the real relationship and what they have is silly and dangerous.

NatashaBee · 08/04/2014 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/04/2014 16:59

I hope it goes well op.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 08/04/2014 17:00

How much "sense" does it make for her to be moving to your city, given she's all showbiz and it's a comparatively small place. Any idea why she's doing this?

Interesting stuff croquet, it's making me think about a couple of friendships I have. One married friend often comes to me about his relationship problems and honestly I wish he wouldn't, it's bringing a level of intimacy in which doesn't need to be there.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 08/04/2014 17:03

Try and rehearse what you're going to say first so it doesn't come out in a rushed jumble. Try and keep calm, just talk, don't shout or scream. Listen to what he says and watch his reaction. Don't accuse, just tell him what you've been told and state fact.

I really hope it goes well. Please update us.

croquet · 08/04/2014 17:05

Yes Elephants that sounds exactly the thing.

My sense is that this old friend is of an age to settle down and (perhaps subconsciously) fancies OP's fella for the job.

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 08/04/2014 17:16

Sorry op but you need to confront him. Maybe you shouldnt have snooped but you had a feeling he was up to something didn't you. Remember its likely nothing has happend yet so I'd go in with an ultimatum 'it's me or her'. I wouldn't allow this 'friendship' to continue.

TheVictorian · 08/04/2014 17:23

I suggested the open relationship as an option, as my thinking is if the op says to her dh its me or her and he chooses her then having an open relationship would prevent her losing him altogether.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2014 17:26

It's not likely OP would think him such a prize, tbh

Unless she had a lobotomy in the last 24 hours, that is

Sometimes one's pro male stance has the side effect of obscuring one's common sense. It's a common problem, I have found.

NatashaBee · 08/04/2014 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaidOfStars · 08/04/2014 17:29

If he chooses her (either completely or in the context of an open relationship), the OP has already lost him.

Open relationships are not offered in final bids to keep a marriage, they are mutually-consenting arrangements between two people who agree to extracurricular sex with clear boundaries and no power imbalance. In my opinion anyway.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/04/2014 17:31

And op, remember long term its not actually about him choosing anything- it's whether you want to be in a relationship with a sly dick who opens a secret Facebook account so he can 'gorgeous' another woman.