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Original poster

DH got girl pregnant on one night stand

181 replies

hahasaidtheclown · 01/04/2014 12:14

DH works for multinational company, works away a lot. I always thought he was the perfect husband/father/son/friend, kind, considerate, always helped with DCs despite working long hours, always ready to help out friends and family, always made me feel special. He has now dropped a bombshell. 4 months ago, whilst in hong kong, had a drunken one night stand (he never drinks!!!!!!, or so I thought), he has now found out the girl is pregnant. I am completely shell shocked, in anger I told him to leave, he has gone to a friends. But now, what do I do, I love him, he says he loves me, swears he has never done this before, but I am in turmoil. Also, what does Hong Kong law say about parent support, do they have the equivalent of the CSA, is this going to have massive financial implications for us, is the child actually his. All these things are rushing through my mind, really don't know what to do right now

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 08/04/2014 03:38

He certainly wasn't thinking about your 16 idyllic happy years while he was regularly having unprotected sex with a colleague

Sorry but I agree with this. He may well be heartbroken, but this is his doing. He chose to sleep with her. Would you have even found out if she wasn't pregnant? What exactly is he heartbroken over? Make sure you get checked for sti's.

FabULouse · 08/04/2014 05:19

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Hissy · 08/04/2014 07:48

The word 'heartbroken' really jars HaHa, it's such a misplaced word for something HE CHOSE to do.

To your marriage, to your family, to you.

He's devastated at having had to confess, to admit what he's done. He feels he's lost control over the destiny of his family, something he literally took for granted and didn't hold in any high regard.

I worry that if the baby proves not to be his, that you'll bury and minimise the lot. Perhaps because it's all so unreal, so far away. If there's no child, you may kid yourself that it was all a figment of your imagination and won't safely and properly process the hurt/pain/damage he's wrought upon you.

You asked him to go away for a while. Is he still gone? He needs to be out of your home while you try and make sense of this.

This situation is NOT about him, it's all about you now. You decide what you accept or don't accept.

He is responsible for breaking it, he needs to do whatever it takes to fix it. Sever all (non child related) contact, be open and transparent and prepared to take your fury whenever it boils over. For as long as it takes.

If he's still feeling sorry for himself, then he's nowhere near fixing this, as he's only thinking of himself. Again.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/04/2014 08:10

In all probability the child is his. In all probability, the woman planned to get pregnant. I can't guess what he was thinking.

I couldn't stand it, OP. Financial monogamy(?) is important to me and there is no way I could begin to stomach our family money going on ...this. And him disappearing every few weeks to see his baby. Is this how you want your future to look? With a man who leads two lives and has two families?

KathrynJaneway · 08/04/2014 08:24

I would think the same as John farley.

I'm afraid that the idyllic happy years are over, sorry if that sounds harsh but I can't see how you could ever get that back, even if by some miracle the baby isn't his, the affair still happened and all the hoopla that went with it.
My ex cheated on me, I stayed with him for two years after (my self esteem was very low at the time) I was never able to move past it, it was always there in the background so I finally got up the courage and ended it. I just think when that trust is gone, it can't ever be gained again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/04/2014 08:25

Both the OPs H and this woman made a choice to sleep together and likely on more than one occasion to boot. They embarked on a relationship with each other for their own selfish reasons (to get their unmet needs met).

OP - you decide what you do or do not accept. Minimising this at all will only harm you in the long run.

diddl · 08/04/2014 09:04

"but it is a question of wether I want to turn my back on 16 very idyllic happy years."

Whilst you ponder that, bear in mind that he has done it.

And would probably continue to do so if he hadn't been caught out and forced to own up.

LIZS · 08/04/2014 09:12

Think you have to assume the child is his until he can prove otherwise. He trusted the ow enough to have unprotected sex with her and therefore took the chance, so why deny it now. If he or you deny the possibility and it turns out she is right it could damage any chances of a parent/child or even your relationship in future and lead to more than financial implications. Does ow live in HK or is she a local colleague ?

diddl · 08/04/2014 09:20

I suppose if the child is his then there is a constant reminder/tie to the OW.

Surely he must have a good idea that the baby is his or he would still be keeping quiet?

Unless he was hoping for some sympathy?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 08/04/2014 10:01

I just can't get over that he's the one that's heartbroken. Oh boo-bloody-hoo! He has no right to be heartbroken. The only one who has any right to feel this way is the OP. He made this mess.

Jan45 · 08/04/2014 10:20

16 idyllic years, really? Doesn't sound like it and I would doubt it's the first time he has had extra marital affairs during his absence from home - he's heartbroken, yeah, really, must be horrible now he can't have his cake and all..............OP, sorry but you can't spare any pity for him, keep that for yourself and make sure you have your family and friends to support you and confide in, there is men out there who don't betray their partners you know and actually value fidelity. What makes this even worse is he risked your sexual health and the OW's and now there's a poor baby dragged into the mess, seriously has this guy got any redeemable features whatsoever.

middleeasternpromise · 08/04/2014 10:24

I wish anyone dabbling with an affair could understand the sort of carnage they can cause when something like this happen. The idea that a bit of NSA sex which no one need know about is possible? think again. Your marriage risked, the partner you apparently really love broken hearted, your children facing a life long half sibling out there and another child who starts life with this deception as the back drop - there is no such thing as 'no one gets hurt' affairs. OP just sit tight and let the reality come together, you did nothing wrong but you are not in a position to make big decisions right now because you have a lot of information to catch up on, do not be pressured into making any choices right now - OH owes you that space at least.

Beastofburden · 08/04/2014 10:28

What middleeastsaid. Exactly that.

hamptoncourt · 08/04/2014 10:37

I think OP that our collective concern for you is that you might be thinking that if the baby is not his then it will be easier to just sweep it all under the carpet and forget about it.

He is "heartbroken?" How fucking dare he? As PP have said he is just heartbroken he got caught and terrified that his cushty deception might come to and end and his easy life of doing whatever and whomever he wants is crashing down around his ears.

Beastofburden · 08/04/2014 10:44

I could see he might be heartbroken when his fantasy world comes crashing into his real life, and he suddenly sees what he has risked losing forever. People can be genuinely heartbroken when they see what a stupid thing they have done.

As long as he doesn't expect any sympathy or priority, I can understand it.

If, however, it turns into emotional blackmail- don't leave me, you will break my heart- then he gets a good slapping from me. You deserve to be heartbroken, sunshine. It does not mean you get to decide what the OP does.

Missesbumble · 08/04/2014 13:26

Seriously OP, your h is 'heartbroken' because it's all come out, not because of what he did. Do you honestly think you would have even found out about the affair had the OW not got pregnant?

Does it really matter if the child is your h's or not? Is the fact that he's been dipping his unprotected wick elsewhere and putting you at risk not enough aside from the utter disrespect he's shown to you and his family
:-(

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/04/2014 13:37

I can see how he would be heart broken now and for me, yes it would make a massive difference if he will be a father to another child. An affair might be forgivable, people get over it, they move on.

Him having a family with someone else is going to be a terrible burden for you op. if as you say he is a good man then he will have to stand up and be a father of some kind. I feel for you Thanks

Logg1e · 08/04/2014 13:43

The fatherhood situation is no-win. He is either a good father, supporting the baby and sharing in her upbringing (including at his home and at family events) OR he doesn't and is a shit father. I don't know how I could deal with either.

Rupertandfifi · 08/04/2014 13:49

I've only read the op's posts so not sure if I'm duplicating. Apologies if so.
Whatever happens op your relationship will change. He will be responsible (emotionally and financially) for another human being for at least the next 18 years. YOU need to chose if you are going to join in that responsibility. Only you know the impacts it will have on your relationship. Do you have children dh?

glammanana · 08/04/2014 15:05

My heart goes out to you OPs you must be devastated at the deceipt by your OH,I would certainly insist on STD screening asap and make him go as well, you say this OW had a long term relationship for many years has she taken this opportunity to have this innocent child because it may be her last chance ? do you think 100% your OH would have confessed to ONS if a pregnancy was not on the cards,I doubt very much he would have told you and think behaviour like this has gone on before sorry to say.

MichaelaS · 08/04/2014 15:22

Hi OP sorry you are going through this, what a shock.

Whilst I can completely see the LTB angle, I just wanted to add that you don't have to if you don't want to. It's OK to take time to decide, and it's OK to decide to stay together.

I have friends in a v similar situation, don't want to post the exact details on a public forum but 2 years on they are rebuilding their marriage slowly and with a lot of counselling. They are both involved in the child's life but the OW is resident parent. It has obviously been v hard and painful, but for them better than separating. It can be done - IF you want to and IF your DH is willing to put the work in, make full disclosure and be totally honest.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Gurnie · 08/04/2014 15:32

I really, really feel for you. This must be such a vile shock to you. I understand completely your wish that the child isn't his (even if some don't), because if you do choose to forgive and try to stay together he can, realistically break all ties with the other woman whereas that is impossible if the baby is his.

Of course the deceit is the same either way and I suppose one part that would affect me the most would be that if this woman wasn't pregnant he may never have told you and the affair may have continued.

We are all different. I don't think I could forgive this. I was cheated on several times by my ex partner and much as we are good friends 10 years on I could NEVER have rekindled our relationship because the trust was destroyed. People do make mistakes, I know they do, for me a one night stand would be bad enough but this? When you thought everything was going really well?

Thinking of you op, it's a really hard time for you and your kids.

Gurnie · 08/04/2014 15:35

Btw I would not judge another person in a million years if they did decide to stay with their partner in these circumstances, it is up to you, of course.

hamptoncourt · 08/04/2014 16:32

OW is a work colleague I believe. Has he offered to give up/change his job OP?

Chunderella · 09/04/2014 07:40

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