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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH got girl pregnant on one night stand

181 replies

hahasaidtheclown · 01/04/2014 12:14

DH works for multinational company, works away a lot. I always thought he was the perfect husband/father/son/friend, kind, considerate, always helped with DCs despite working long hours, always ready to help out friends and family, always made me feel special. He has now dropped a bombshell. 4 months ago, whilst in hong kong, had a drunken one night stand (he never drinks!!!!!!, or so I thought), he has now found out the girl is pregnant. I am completely shell shocked, in anger I told him to leave, he has gone to a friends. But now, what do I do, I love him, he says he loves me, swears he has never done this before, but I am in turmoil. Also, what does Hong Kong law say about parent support, do they have the equivalent of the CSA, is this going to have massive financial implications for us, is the child actually his. All these things are rushing through my mind, really don't know what to do right now

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 01/04/2014 16:15

So sorry that you are finding yourself in this situation.

Please seek legal/financial and medical advice for yourself in RL.

I know MN can be a wonderful source of support and advice in these kind of circumstances (I gather it was finding out about the affair that brought you to MN?), but in your and your DCs interest you need RL advice.

Best of luck Thanks

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 01/04/2014 16:17

I hate how predicatable these situations always are. I feel for you OP. I know it seems easy to forgive but this will not be the first or the last. Is that the life you want for yourself and your family?
you need to be strong and keep telling your self 'it wont hurt this much forever'.
If you do decide to leave take the control back. Get smart and go see someone legal about moving money etc before you talk to him about it and get your health looked at just in case.

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 01/04/2014 16:18

That should say easiest. Not easy nothing will be easy.

Sparklysilversequins · 01/04/2014 16:24

"even the most reckless of people would not have a one night stand in HK without using protection"

I am sad to say that you could not be more wrong about that.

Logg1e · 01/04/2014 16:32

FFS Maggie! When you're on a hole, stop digging.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/04/2014 16:58

Oh no Sad what an awful shit situation you poor thing

In my (direct) experience of a OH shagging around abroad, no, it seems that the uppermost thought in the mind is not contraception, but getting his end away. Sad, predictable and utterly pathetic but there you go

OP get yourself legalled up, get some RL support, get your health checked out, and kick his sorry arse out of your sight!

nothingtosee · 01/04/2014 17:04

Why on earth would anyone suggest that they can't believe your H has made someone pregnant after a ONS.
It is entirely medicaly possible. Fact.
I'm very surprised that some of you don't even know basic female biology!

LTB, stock answer eh. Not always helpful advice without actually knowing the couple!

I'd be interested to hear back from OP as there have been some very important question raised.

Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 17:11

Confused Nothing are you serious? ONS are alright then are they? Shit, I didn't realise... I've been doing all wrong Hmm

A lot of the 'LTB' choir HAVE actually been in this (or a similar) position. So it never ceases to amuse me that the people who have/would stay seem to think it's not helpful to suggest women (and men) deserve better than being betrayed. FFS.

Yes maybe it's a ONS. More likely (COME ON!!!!!!) that it's NOT a ONS.

Yes it's possible that the pregnancy was from a ONS (we're not stupid, ta) but it'd be pretty bloody unlikely and unlucky that this one supposed one-off resulted in a pregnancy. As many people have said, quite rightly, this bloke would never have confessed if it wasn't for the pregnancy.

And Maggie I've reported your disgusting 'buy her off' suggestion. Just people you lived in HK (good for you!) doesn't make it OK to say this OP's DH should just pay for a kid to disappear.

magoria · 01/04/2014 17:13

So she is at least 4 months pregnant if that was the last time he visited and when she go pregnant. He has known about this for weeks if not months. She is keeping the child it would appear so he has had to confess.

This is a massive shock and you are in no place to make decisions right now.

What you need to do is deal with hard details.

First stop as others have said is an STI clinic. He has clearly had unprotected sex with one woman during your relationship. Who knows if this is the only one or the tip of the ice berg? He sure as hell is not going to tell you is he! Sad

Get all paperwork safe/copied incase he ups and leaves to be with her or you decide you don't want to be with him. Mortgage, salaries, savings, kids passports (just incase) etc

Get yourself to a solicitor. You don't have to divorce/do anything with the information but knowledge is power and security. If you know what you will have to live on and what your rights are he cannot use threats to keep you in line.

Longer term is she actually from Hong Kong? Does she live there? Or is she in fact from the UK and was travelling with your H/on a work placement? Either way if he is a decent person (that is a bit of an oxymoron considering what has happened) he is going to be shelling out £££ cold hard cash for the next 18+ years to support this child. Is it actually his child.

If you decide to stay with him you need to know this for sure. Not some cheap online DNA test but a proper legitimate one.

This child has a right to see him how are you going to deal with that? What about siblings etc.

I am sorry you are in such a horrible place. Take care of yourself and your DC. Sod your H right now.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 01/04/2014 17:13

The op said she now knows it was not a ons. Ok?

Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 17:16

No, ONS aren't OK.
Neither are affairs.

I despair reading some of the bollocks advice, I really do.

Angry
LIZS · 01/04/2014 17:18

op has said not a ONS but ongoing affair. So he had unprotected sex with a colleague, more than once. Definitely you need STI tests , sorry , let alone the breech of trust and potential financial and emotional impact of him having a child with ow, possibly abroad.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 01/04/2014 17:19

I despair that people post on sensitive threads without reading the threads.

Sorry op.

hickorychicken · 01/04/2014 17:21

I dont think nothing meant that ONS's are ok I think she meant LTB is the solution for some couples but not all and without knowing the couple personally its hard to know.
Im really surprised grown women don't know people can get pregnant after one time.....

Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 17:22

I did read it, it was the biology lesson from 'Nothing' and yet another pop at the LTB 'mob' that I despair at... but hey-ho.

Good luck OP.

Hope YOU manage to get some answers and some peace as soon as possible x

BitOutOfPractice · 01/04/2014 17:22

Ivehearditall do you honestly think the OP wouldn't already be thinking about LingTB? Having found out the staggering scale of his betrayal of her?

Of course she is. It didn't take anyone here saying it to make her think it

I wonder what, for you, he would have to do to make you think she might LTB. What worse than this can he do? Or is everything forgiveable eventually? I'm curious

Jan45 · 01/04/2014 17:23

Nothing: thanks so much for enlightening us all on pregnancy and ONS.....Confused

Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 17:25

LOL! Excuse me. I'm still reeling from Maggie the racist (oh by the way, MN won't remove her post FYI) saying that LTB comments are 'yo sista' - whatever the fuck that even means!

I'm sure OP is thinking to LTB. If some wally with 'WELCOME' on their forehead doesn't talk her out of it first.

Jan45 · 01/04/2014 17:26

NOBODY IS THINKING YOU CANNOT GET PREGNANT FROM A ONE NIGHT STAND - IT'S HIGHLY UNLIKELY, BUT YES, POSSIBLE!- returns fog horn to its place.

Oh and nothing, we are entitled to express our opinions on here or do we need to pass them by you first???

Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 17:27

Cake for Jan.

hickorychicken · 01/04/2014 17:30

Admittedly unlikely but it can happen, I think maybe clutching at straws for OP that it was a one off (not that thats much better but maybe easier to swallow) until I read more.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/04/2014 17:33

Shall we just establish a few facts and move on to actually advising the OP please

  • yes you can get pg on a ONS - but that is immaterial given that the OP now knows it wasn't a ONS
  • yes Maggie's posts are rather vile. But really, arguing with her is merely derailing the thread

So, OP. Hope you're OK. Are you still talking to him?

Preciousbane · 01/04/2014 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 17:37

Bit you are so bossy. You telling people off is derailing as well...
But then that goes for me as well Blush

OP - are you out there? Hope you're alright.

Lighthousekeeping · 01/04/2014 17:39

She's already said IT WAS NOT A ONE OFF. I wished people would read threads before they post instead of confusing the issue.