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Original poster

DH got girl pregnant on one night stand

181 replies

hahasaidtheclown · 01/04/2014 12:14

DH works for multinational company, works away a lot. I always thought he was the perfect husband/father/son/friend, kind, considerate, always helped with DCs despite working long hours, always ready to help out friends and family, always made me feel special. He has now dropped a bombshell. 4 months ago, whilst in hong kong, had a drunken one night stand (he never drinks!!!!!!, or so I thought), he has now found out the girl is pregnant. I am completely shell shocked, in anger I told him to leave, he has gone to a friends. But now, what do I do, I love him, he says he loves me, swears he has never done this before, but I am in turmoil. Also, what does Hong Kong law say about parent support, do they have the equivalent of the CSA, is this going to have massive financial implications for us, is the child actually his. All these things are rushing through my mind, really don't know what to do right now

OP posts:
Phalenopsis · 01/04/2014 12:47

The fact that as far as you (OP) know he doesn't drink but somehow has managed to have a drunken ONS is ringing alarm bells for me.

Be aware OP that there might be more info to come about all of this. Often in these situations there is drip feeding. I'd be wanting facts. Honest facts before I'd let him anywhere near me. Leave him at his mate's to stew for a while and concentrate on yourself.

WipsGlitter · 01/04/2014 12:53

Just to point out that DP has worked in HK and China and says the pressure to drink loads is enormous, so it could be that he didn't drink but was put under a lot of pressure. I'm not excusing what he has done, but it is a very big drinking culture there.

I agree there will be more to come out.

SolomanDaisy · 01/04/2014 12:56

It doesn't seem very likely that the only one night stand he has ever had has resulted in pregnancy, does it? That would be terribly bad luck. Much more likely that it has happened after a string of not getting caught. I'd say you need to deal with the two things separately - do you believe him? Do you want your marriage to continue? Then deal with the implications of the pregnancy separately - she may not want to go ahead with the pregnancy, she may not want to raise the child herself. She may want full financial and parenting support from your husband. You can't help him to wriggle out of this.

SpringBreak · 01/04/2014 12:57

what sort of company is it? make sure he checks his employment contract / handbook to check he's not committed any kind of breach of company policies (if she's a colleague) because the last thing you need is him getting the sack as well at this stage.

As well as no confirmation that any child is actually his, I have to say that it would be pretty easy for a girl he potentially barely knows on the other side of the world to claim a pregnancy that doesn't actually exist. Doesn't alter the fact he's been unfaithful, but the consequences may not be as substantial.

Jan45 · 01/04/2014 12:59

Cannot believe someone saying pay the girl off to go and disappear with HIS child, yeah, do that OP, encourage his nastiness even more so.

I get what folk are saying about paternity but would he had told the OP about this at all if he wasn't sure she was indeed pregnant?

Dahlen · 01/04/2014 13:04

Unless you have a bonafide allergy or intolerance to alcohol, all it does is lower your inhibitions, not change your personality. Very few people have a genuine reaction to alcohol where it genuinely alters their behaviour, though lots of people claim that is the case.

Alcohol simply lowers the threshold at which your civilised veneer slips and your true attitudes are displayed. I have a long relationship with alcohol, and while I have often cringed at the rubbish I have talked about and the silly (but harmless) things I have done, I have somehow managed all these years never to hit someone, commit criminal damage, or be unfaithful - because I believe those things are wrong even when I looking at life through an alcoholic haze.

Being drunk is not an excuse for a ONS.

I think you need to consider that first and foremost OP. I'm sorry, because that's going to hurt. Sad

The fact that he's excusing his behaviour with drink is really, really worrying, because he's trying to put the blame on factors other than himself. Until he accepts full responsibility, you can't realistically have any faith in him that this won't happen again.

The fact that he knows the woman is pregnant suggests that it either wasn't a ONS at all, or that it is a colleague. This could affect the rest of your life. If you plan a future with your H, I think your future needs to include the presence of this child, and a financial obligation toward him/her. Can you live with that as a feature of your marriage?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 01/04/2014 13:07

A couple thoughts... you said this occurred 4 months ago. So she's not just 5-6 wks pregnant, she's 4+ months pregnant. If he has gone straight to "it's my baby" from a ONS, then you have to ask yourself how he is so certain of this. Perhaps a longer term relationship?

Is she a colleague? This seems most likely, as how else would she be able to contact him to tell him this. Or they've been in a relationship for a number of months and he's just finally come to terms that she is keeping the baby?

So many different spins on this. You're going to need more information, but sadly I don't think he's going to give it to you willingly. Sounds like he's drip feeding tbh.

Logg1e · 01/04/2014 13:09

OP would it be helpful to write out the questions you have, and group them as their answers being Urgent, Essential and Desirable?

I would get some RL support too, you can't protect him from this and you need the help.

BuzzardBird · 01/04/2014 13:10

As you are asking the law about HK csa I guess she is from there? In which case how the hell did she get hold of someone who she had a ONS with? I smell bullshit.

BeforeAndAfter · 01/04/2014 13:12

I'm not convinced this is a genuine poster.

Logg1e · 01/04/2014 13:13

(Also, I love the idea of maggie crossing her fingers that the mother is a vulnerable and young woman).

iggy155 · 01/04/2014 13:16

I am normally a bit dismayed at the LTB posts, but on this occasion I think you have to seriously consider this. DH has only told you about the 'one night stand' because the OW is pg. I guess if she hadn't got pg then he would never have told you. I don't think I could trust my DH after something like this. Even if paternity testing showed he isn't the father, he has still cheated and didn't tell you. What a mess Sad

somedizzywhore1804 · 01/04/2014 13:23

I agree that I often roll my eyes at those who immediately jump to LTB but on this occasion I think you really have to leave him. For all you know this is the tip of the iceberg. And as others have said he's only told you because she's pregnant.

I feel terrible for you but surely your marriage is a husk now- at best?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 01/04/2014 13:26

Thanks What a horrible shock you must be going though.

Original poster
hahasaidtheclown · 01/04/2014 13:27

your drip feeding theories are sadly true, it seems, not a ons, but has been going on for a while. She works for same company, and is quite senior, not English, but don't know much more, presumably the drip feeding may continue and more will come to light. Don't think I want to know any more at the moment.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 01/04/2014 13:29

I'm so sorry OP. Flowers

NigellasDealer · 01/04/2014 13:29

i do not imagine it was a one night stand, unless the other woman was incredibly fertile. also why are they in touch?

scottishmummy · 01/04/2014 13:30

Ok,ignore all the LTB advice,it adds nothing.usual mn sassy yo sista rubbish
You need to establish facts
Paternity
Does the lady Plan to keep baby
Financial responsibilities
What will he do
Will it impact on his employment

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 01/04/2014 13:36

So sorry OP. I think for the moment you need to focus on what YOU want. If you are ending the relationship, then anything to do with his financial support of the baby and such are irrelevant to you.

Think about what you want, then go from there.

hickorychicken · 01/04/2014 13:43

This is awful OP Thanks

AdoraBell · 01/04/2014 13:43

Speak To a solícitor now, yes he has a responsibilty To a child of his, but that includes the children he already has. Protect their home and stability. The OW and the baby she's carrying are DH's responsibilty, not your's or your DC's.

Hopefully he won't Get away with simply paying her off or ignoring the sitúation.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, look after yourself and your DC's interests. Thanks

Jan45 · 01/04/2014 14:02

It's all very well saying the baby is not the OPs responsibility, it will be if she chooses to stay with her OH, it will be her money too that is going to the upkeep of the child.

The fact he has lied straight out saying it was a ONS is awful, can't he even be honest about how he got a woman pregnant.

So, in reality, it's been an affair for god knows how long.

scottishmummy · 01/04/2014 14:05

Of course baby impacts upon op.financially,emotionally,impact on her own kids

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 01/04/2014 14:07

Hence saying she needs to think about what she wants. Her concerns if she is ending the relationship with her husband will be somewhat different than if she stays with him.

scottishmummy · 01/04/2014 14:10

The impact of him potentially being financially responsible fir a baby impacts on op
Whether or not they stay together,he has finite salary and it will potentially include new baby
Op is affected financially by this