DH got girl pregnant on one night stand

[hahasaidtheclown]

DH works for multinational company, works away a lot. I always thought he was the perfect husband/father/son/friend, kind, considerate, always helped with DCs despite working long hours, always ready to help out friends and family, always made me feel special. He has now dropped a bombshell. 4 months ago, whilst in hong kong, had a drunken one night stand (he never drinks!!!!!!, or so I thought), he has now found out the girl is pregnant. I am completely shell shocked, in anger I told him to leave, he has gone to a friends. But now, what do I do, I love him, he says he loves me, swears he has never done this before, but I am in turmoil. Also, what does Hong Kong law say about parent support, do they have the equivalent of the CSA, is this going to have massive financial implications for us, is the child actually his. All these things are rushing through my mind, really don't know what to do right now

Sparkly I'm not sure of the difference between other posters saying what they did or would do and you saying what you regret not doing.

I am explaining my own situation and what I felt in hindsight. I'm not making big sweeping statements of what needs to be done now, when the OP can probably barely lift her head up. It's not all the posters, many are sharing valuable thoughts and sympathy but I do find these threads do fill up quickly with excitable "this is what I would do!!" from posters who don't actually know what they'd do because it's never happened to them. I think scottishmummy summed it up very well in previous posts.

Then there's the ripping apart of anyone who tries to advise her to tread carefully until she knows what she wants or feels strong enough to do it, the discussion about whether or not it was a ONS and what everyone thought about that. It's all "leave, leave now! Throw him out, clear the bank accounts, I wouldn't stand for it!" The OP (as on most threads of this ilk) needs gentle handholding.

In short some posters seem to enjoy these threads and imagining and describing in detail how strong and dignified they'd Be in such a situation. How does that really help the OP except to make her feel even worse than she already does because she's not there yet.

I guarantee that most of you would be snotty, snivelling messes who wouldn't know what day it was if this happened to them.

Why would people not being telling op to leave him? Would any of you actually want to stay with a man who does this?!
He needs to pay for his child and should want to be in their life, if I doesn't personally I'd had even less respect for him.
Get STD checked.

There's a perfect example, thanks better.

I just don't recognise the vitriol you ascribe to other posters Sparkly, apart from perhaps scottishmummy(!)

Hmmm, where have I used the word vitriol? I haven't.

I just think some posters get a little bit excitable over other peoples woes surrounding affairs, as I said probably exploring their own fears around it.

It happens a lot on these threads. And any advice whatsoever to get her head together first and feel stronger is met with shouting that poster down, as though they are recommending that she stays. Exactly as better just did.

Anyway I don't want to keep discussing this tbh, brings back nasty memories and I have studying to do.

Good luck OP, I am sure you will know what to do for the best when the shock has subsided a bit.

Sparkly I have direct personal experience of finding out my DP of 5½ years had been having a long-term (live-in) relationship with another woman (who knew all about me) while working abroad. No baby though thank god

So I can tell you what I did. I LTB. And booked an STI check up. Adnittedly it was easier as we didn't have kids together but I LTB without a moment's hesitation.

And you are right, I was a snotting undignified mess although only to friends and family fortunately. It nearly finished me off. The scale of the betrayal felt so immense. I can only begin to imagine how the poor OP feels.

I hope she can come back to talk to us

Sparkley yes of course I'd be devastated and probably act stupidly. But that doesn't mean posters shouldn't advise the op to act wisely. To stay in a relationship with a man who respects you so little and treats other women like objects is unwise. People are trying to help the op to be strong.

IT's not "stupid" to react emotionally better. It's natural. Don't make the OP feel any more crap if she's not acting "wisely" as you see it

Loggle,don't drag me into your scrap with someone else.bad form

The OP hasn't posted again - so I suggest that all arguments and disagreements are now kept off this thread.

It is bad enough when someone discovers infidelity - it is worse when it transpires to be a long-standing affair.

How difficult it must be to know that the ONS/affair has produced a pregnancy which will change all future relationships?

• The husband will have to stand by, and have contact with, the affair partner
• The child will be part of the husband's life forever - both financially and emotionally
• The child will be part of the OP's life as she assists her own children to have a relationship with their own half-sibling

What a mess!

OP, please post again so that others can help you with the practicalities of dealing with this situation.

Just wanted to be a dissenting voice here. I think it depends on how the OP feels about the deceit and unfaithfulness, because otherwise she writes about her husband in glowing terms.

It's not an easy thing to get over, but people do get over these things and I wouldn't automatically say she should LTB.

I honestly don't believe people get over these things... I think they pretend to because they're scared of the alternative (potentially being alone). It's a matter of opinion, that we're all entitled to, but I'd be alone than stuck with someone I can't trust.

Anyway - I suspect OP is still here, reading and thinking. Just because people are discussing their different views doesn't mean she has 'scarpered' either. Yes, it would be nicer and more pleasant reading if we were all saying 'poor you' and offering but this is an emotive issue so I don't think calling people getting fired up over an issue which is a lot of people's worse nightmare - and many have lived through - unhelpful is really helpful. In fact, it's a bit naive. Some people stay, some go, and some never know what they will do until they're in that situation.

Hope you're alright OP x

yes, I am still here, reading the posts, and thinking. Thank you for replies, and I have followed a lot of the advice. What I cant get my head round is how 2 highly educated professional people can have unprotected sex, surely they must have heard of sti's and pregnancy!!! It seems there was no commitment, only sex, which makes it all the more unexplainable. When I said "girl" in the title, it was a manner of speaking, the OW is a professional colleague, who had just come out of a very long term relationship. He said neither of them slept around. A lot of posters seem to jump to the conclusion that just because this happened, he was sleeping around with all and sundry, he promises me that this is not the case. I desperately want to believe him, he has always been a good man, I think I do believe him. He is heartbroken over all of this. I haven't yet deceided our future, and obviously, I need to know if the child is his, tho the OW states she has not slept with anyone els. In the last 15 years she said she has only slept with her ex, and DH. I really don't know what our future holds yet, I think I am still in shock and anger

Glad that you updated OP. What Real Life support have you got, if any?

OP why do you need to know if the child is his? He has still cheated. They have both cheated so you know they are both untrustworthy. Why believe a word either says?

Hampton...yes, I know he has cheated, and it hurts unbelievably, but it is a question of wether I want to turn my back on 16 very idyllic happy years. I keep asking myself can trust ever be regained, that I dont know. Which is why I don't know what the future holds. But I really need to know if the child is his, I don't know why, but it really matters that I know. I have plenty of support in real life, my friends are not pushing either way, they are not making judgements, they are letting me make my own decisions, and are helping in practical ways, doing my cooking/washing/ironing/childcare/shopping.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation op. You must be in total shock.
Right now I'm not sure the key thing is whether or not the child is his, (cannot be determined until after the birth usually) it could be his and that's the important thing. Whether or not the baby is his changes nothing about how he has behaved I'm so sorry but this wasn't a one off mistake, this was calculated cheating. Only you can eventually decide if that is in anyway forgivable.
You need space to think and process don't rush yourself.
What does he say he will do assuming the baby is his? I think this will tell you a lot about the sort of man he is, and the future you could have, is he owning up to his responsibilities, talking about support/contact etc? I can only imagine how incredibly painful any of that sort of thinking must be to you but how could you respect him at all otherwise? There is potentially a innocent baby here.
Do you have any real life support?

Time to get an STI check OP, don't rely on anything either of them are saying. Your DH will tell you only the minimum. Of course he is heartbroken over this. He got caught, he thought he had away with it and now there will be a permanent reminder of his cheating forever in his life-and in yours. He has not always been a good man- a good man doesn't shag about being drunk is no excuse for sticking his Dick into the willing OW-once is once too many
How will you explain this sibling to your DC's??

What a horsenugget. Not very helpful, I know.

What an awful thing to go through. Sorry to read it all.

Don't qualify what he has done with "but we've been together for years" etc etc. that didn't stop him!!!! Hold your head high, have some dignity, and walk away xx

I'll bet he is heartbroken to have his deceit so publicly and irrevocably come to light. He certainly wasn't thinking about your 16 idyllic happy years while he was regularly having unprotected sex with a colleague. Whatever you decide, please get some legal advice as soon as possible. Don't rely on information given to you by your DH, he has, sadly, outed himself rather spectacularly as a liar.

What's strange here is the hope the child is not his.

When you get back to ground you will see it won't matter OP.