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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH got girl pregnant on one night stand

181 replies

hahasaidtheclown · 01/04/2014 12:14

DH works for multinational company, works away a lot. I always thought he was the perfect husband/father/son/friend, kind, considerate, always helped with DCs despite working long hours, always ready to help out friends and family, always made me feel special. He has now dropped a bombshell. 4 months ago, whilst in hong kong, had a drunken one night stand (he never drinks!!!!!!, or so I thought), he has now found out the girl is pregnant. I am completely shell shocked, in anger I told him to leave, he has gone to a friends. But now, what do I do, I love him, he says he loves me, swears he has never done this before, but I am in turmoil. Also, what does Hong Kong law say about parent support, do they have the equivalent of the CSA, is this going to have massive financial implications for us, is the child actually his. All these things are rushing through my mind, really don't know what to do right now

OP posts:

Phalenopsis · 01/04/2014 14:10

your drip feeding theories are sadly true, it seems, not a ons, but has been going on for a while. She works for same company, and is quite senior, not English, but don't know much more, presumably the drip feeding may continue and more will come to light. Don't think I want to know any more at the moment

Ugh! Sorry to hear this OP. It sounds an absolute mess and although part of me would want every tiny detail, I understand how engulfing all this is and why you don't feel able to hear any more.

I too would be getting down to a solicitor's asap if nothing else but to make me feel safer. Whilst it isn't a particularly 'charitable' opinion to hold, I would be concerned about my own financial situation and that of my children because as others have pointed out, should the husband pay maintenance etc. for this child, then this will impact on the OP and her children.

AtSea1979 · 01/04/2014 14:16

How old is this girl?
Getting someone pregnant is one issue. But a girl? How could you contemplate staying with him.

Teeb · 01/04/2014 14:18

AtSea I think this is an adult woman who is a senior member of staff in a multinational organisation. Girl was simply a choice of word to describe a female who's been shagging her husband.

AdoraBell · 01/04/2014 14:19

Yes, I realise the financial implicaciones, which is why I advize speaking To a solícitor To ensure that if she does end the relationship Due To her husband's adultary she and the DCs are properly protected. The DH's child with the OW isn't OP's responsibilty, but it will Obviously impact on her in ways that she can't control, I think she should minimize that impact in away she can.

scottishmummy · 01/04/2014 14:19

Good advice,I agree see a solicitor

Phalenopsis · 01/04/2014 14:19

The OP has told us that she's quite senior so I don't think the woman concerned is a 'girl'.

Not that it would make any difference for me. The OP has still been shat on.

struggling100 · 01/04/2014 14:24

OP, I am sending you

You sound glacially calm and together, which concerns me. To be honest, you sound like you are in shock. The fact that you've gone straight to finances and practicalities rather than the maelstrom of emotions that someone goes through when betrayed is worrying me a bit. Just wanted to say that we are all here for you, should you want to vent!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 01/04/2014 14:24

I would want to know why he was telling you this now. He has, presumably, known about the OW's pregnancy for at least several weeks. The OW lives in a different country so you are not likely to accidentally find out about her or the baby (unless reading e-mails). Is it because there will be a financial result of your H having another child? Is it because he intends to continue seeing the OW when he is in Hong Kong? Or is it just that he has finally seen how morally wrong he has been in having the affair and is begging your forgiveness?

TBH, that fact that a child has been conceived would not be my biggest problem. My biggest problem would be the knowledge that my H was capable of the deceit of having a full-on affair. It will be VERY hard for you to ever trust him to work away from home again. I don't think I could live with that level of mistrust and insecurity, no matter how much I loved H and wanted to find a way through. You deserve better than always wondering where your H is & who he is with.

MrsAtticus · 01/04/2014 14:34

So sorry to hear about your situation, I don't see how you can really decide anything until you have all the facts in front of you. I think if I was you I would want to sit my DH down and tell him that you would really value the truth at this stage, about his actions and his feelings, however hard he might think it will be for you to hear, it's the only way of moving forward.
He's done something awful, but good people can do awful things. It's only you who can decide where to take things from here.

Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 14:36

^Ok,ignore all the LTB advice,it adds nothing.usual mn sassy yo sista rubbish
You need to establish facts^

Scottish - I can help with the facts - OP's DH knocked up another woman.

It's 'usual mn sassy yo sista rubbish' to suggest that OP deserves better/more than a 'D'H who gets people pregnant after a (supposed) one off ONS. Get real.

RiverTam · 01/04/2014 14:45

how dreadful for you, OP, I am so sorry.

I am also sorry to raise this, I don't think anyone else has - but might I suggest you go to your GP to get yourself checked out? Your H has been having unprotected sex (well, maybe not, but likely) with another woman. So so sorry to mention it.

Beastofburden · 01/04/2014 14:47

Poor you. I guess, in order:

(a) establish what it means for your relationship together that he has had an affair.
(b) separately, establish if this is definitely his baby (I expect it is; we have no reason to assume this colleague is completely promiscuous) and what both parents plan to do next.
(c) assuming the mother of the baby wishes to continue with her pregnancy, establish what your DH's responsibility is going to be towards the child, who has after all done nothing wrong.

You may well feel that it stops at (a) and all you want to do is establish how much he owes you on divorce.

Quitelikely · 01/04/2014 14:49

It looks like she must be planning on keeping the baby otherwise why would your husband confess? I suspect he would of hoped the problem would go away.

I guess you need to work out if she keeps the baby if you can handle the fact it will be a part of your future and a half sibling to your children.

So sorry for you

Hissy · 01/04/2014 14:57

The affair would upset me greatly, the conception of a child as a product of that affair more so, but the LIES that this guy has spewed forth are the killers here.

He could have told you honestly what had happened, but he chose to lie instead. I'm willing to bet too that he's only telling you now because she's keeping it and has known about it for a long time.

That and perhaps this woman is threatening to tell you herself.

I think your decision to ask him to go is right. it shows him consequences and that you are angry and needing space to process it all. What happens next is down to how he behaves next, if he ends the affair, if he takes full responsibility for the affair and consequential fall out, and if he is fully invested in putting things right.

I'm sorry, this is really awful. You will get through it though and you will be OK, no matter what happens.

Keep posting, the support here will really help.

Linguini · 01/04/2014 15:23

Such a terrible situation to be in.

Not sure you could assume it's a relationship rather than a 1 nighter though just because she fell pg...

I fell pg after a one night stand (hadn't had any sex for months before or after) and the horrendous thing is that he didn't even come inside me! So I am on the believing side that is can happen, and Withdrawal is NEVER a form of contraception. (yes I should have known that before...) Anyway... still probably best to LTB sorry...

Linguini · 01/04/2014 15:24

sorry didn't read the second bit ignore me...

Ivehearditallnow · 01/04/2014 15:40

Cerisier · 01/04/2014 15:55

I would be distraught too. What an awful scenario. Presumably she is keeping the baby, so your DC will have a half sibling in their lives.

I am wondering what the work implications for DH are. Will this become common knowledge and will he or the OW lose their jobs?

You and DH need to discuss all the ramifications of the situation and find out what you both want to do. You do need to protect your assets quickly though in case he decides to leave for HK and empties the accounts.

arsenaltilidie · 01/04/2014 16:00

Even the most reckless of people wouldn't have a one night stand in HK with no protection.
So either he had/having a full blown affair
Or he has put your health at risk.

Neither of those are any good at all!

hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2014 16:02

As someone who has been in a very similar situation, I can only agree with others that you get some legal advice and fast.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It really is just awful. At least I knew about the affair before I got the 2nd shock of the pregnancy. I'd already ended it. But this is just awful.

You will certainly be in shock right now and you have done the right thing in getting him out of your house to get some head space.

Right now, you and your DC are your priority.
Look after yourself and your DC.
You will go through all sorts of emotions over the next few days, weeks, months.
Do what is right for YOU!

Sending you (((HUGS))) and

maggiemight · 01/04/2014 16:07

Have lived in China and girls in bars are desperate for another life - and the possibility of one that funds them to go home (to wherever in China they are from) to live with Mum and bring up their child would be bliss to most.

Those horrified by my suggestion prob haven't lived in HK recently.

A friend there recently said the 'battle' in bars for a western man has to be seen to be believed.

Whereas bringing the girl to wherever the OP lives so that the father can actually father the child would be prob impossible with the present immigration laws unless he divorces OP and marries the girl. Plus she could easily be lonely and homesick.

Lets face it would all the Asian brides marry the westerners that they marry if there was a choice?

KathrynJaneway · 01/04/2014 16:09

The affair would upset me greatly, the conception of a child as a product of that affair more so, but the LIES that this guy has spewed forth are the killers here.

Totally.

Lots of hugs, I feel for you :(

HazleNutt · 01/04/2014 16:10

the woman in question is apparently quite senior working for the same company, not a random desperate bar girl.

maggiemight · 01/04/2014 16:10

The above applies to bar girls not someone employed by a foreign company.

mummytime · 01/04/2014 16:11

The two things unfortunately that you need to do ASAP are: get some legal/financial protection for you and your DC; go to a GUM clinic and get checked out.

Try to get these in motion now before it really hits you and floors you.

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