anyone else in a poly relationship?

[cakeymccakington]

new to it all and fancied a chat with people who have btdt!

[AnyFucker]

I haven't asked you to justify anything. That is your perception. If my questions are difficult ones, I assume you have asked them of yourself already, fully discussed them with your partner and come to mutual solutions that suit you (not just him)

At least, that is what I thought you were saying.

[Viviennemary]

If it is working for you then fine. You don't need a forum load of people in the same situation to justify your choice.

[cakeymccakington]

your questions aren't difficult at all AF.

everything I've said on here, and more, has been discussed in depth between me and dp yes.
in fact when I showed him the thread I think my exact words were "it's just turned into a repeat of everyhting we've already talked about"

[cakeymccakington]

no, i don't and won't justify myself, nor do i feel i need to.

basically i just wondered if anyone else was in a similar situation and wanted to chat about common issues that arise and how it works when you have children and stuff like that.

obviously i expected that there would be a certain amount of question asking and people saying "omg why would you DO that"... i just didn't expect it to be quite this much

[cakeymccakington]

[cakeymccakington]

lol

[Hullygully]

I am

I have nine partners and my main partner, P1 has five but is angling for six. Which may cause probs as his P3 is currently pursuing my P4.

Awks or what?

[cakeymccakington]

right, off to my mundane life now

plus the site keeps going down and it's incredibly annoying

[cakeymccakington]

do you have a spreadsheet Hully? that might help

or some sort of venn diagram?

[DollyTwat]

I'm glad it's working for you op.

In my experience of couples that have an 'open' relationship it has t worked ling term. One set of friends started and it was apparently her idea. She was actually scared he'd leave her, as their relationship had started as an affair

So, as long as they both agreed, they could sleep with whoever they wanted. All fine, until they had a child. Then she wasn't so keen on it. He'd never had to be faithful before so didn't see anything wrong with it

I'm not suggesting this is your scenario at all, I just think it's hard to shut that stable door once you've opened it if you want to

[cakeymccakington]

yeah i have heard that story a lot dolly. I think the difference is that in our case it isn't just permission to sleep with anyone. it's very much a joint decision and if everyone in the relationship is not happy with it then it doesn't happen.

but really, i am going now!

[DollyTwat]

I am one of Hully's partners
And I quite fancy P4

[DollyTwat]

Only you know op, but my friend was secretly heartbroken and whilst there was a time she could deal with it, as the years went by she couldnt

[lavenderhoney]

Just out of interest, as that kind of thing wouldn't work for me, what would happen if you said you weren't happy with his other sexual partner?

What happens when he is getting all ready for a big night with someone else and you want him to stay home? Does he cancel and cuddle you instead? For a few months if that's what you want?

Doesn't he worry his other partner will be out shagging elsewhere? Does he care?

And what happens if she cancels? Do you think he is then having sex with you when he would prefer to be with her?

I don't know, I think it all sounds very modern:) but i have a feeling there are an awful lot if bitten nails about. Maybe not, maybe you don't mind him popping out for a shag because you've just had a baby and aren't up for it.

I'm not being antsy, its just interesting as I just don't understand the thinking behind it. It sounds like FWB gone mad:)

[TheVictorian]

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

[DollyTwat]

waves at Lavender

[LEMmingaround]

if you are looking for people in the same situation you are probably looking on the wrong site, because its quite a specialised area and only a small percentage of folk on this site would be in that sort of relationship.

I think if you are truly ok with it, then its all good, its not for me, but that doesn't make it wrong. I just hope that you are, truly ok with it.

What sort of advice were you hoping for?

[126sticks]

You sound very jolly hockeysticks about it.

[lavenderhoney]

Hello Dolly:) ( waves excitedly and knocks over wine:)

[Selks]

Anyfucker the OP wanted to discuss polyamory, maybe the subject, not have her own relationships put under scrutiny to the point that she has to defend them?

[Botanicbaby]

"Not everyone equates a meaningful relationship with sexual ownership of the other person. So while for some, it is unthinkable and a dealbreaker to imagine them with another lover, for others it simply isn't"

I'm well aware of that eyeliner queen and I understand that what is a dealbreaker to some isn't for others. I didn't realise my post came across as anything else.

"Monogamy doesn't work. I think it's admirable and sensible that some people face up to that fact and figure out their own ethical framework for relationships."

I find your estimation of monogamy as misguided a statement as saying that polyamory doesn't work. Like you say, we are all different. I can think of a few people I know who are happily monogamous. Similarly, I am sure there are people out there who are happily polyamorous.

I agree with some PP who say the OPs relationship here hasn't come across as polyamory in the true sense, more like that of having an approved mistress.

[independentfriend]

Definitions of poly vary lots; it's not Doing Poly Wrong to be doing it differently to the way someone else is doing it. About the only defining thing of polyamorous relationships is that they don't involve people breaking existing relationship agreements ie. no one is cheating on anyone else.

Some people go for closed groups (triads/quads), other relationships look more like 'V's ie. one person has two partners who aren't sexually/romantically involved with each other. Other people again have a hub and spoke model it. one person involved with five or six people in varying degrees of closeness. Some people live together, some people don't.

UK poly resources: bi.org/uk-poly/polyuk.html

[Meerka]

lavender about your questions: I am aware that polyamory takes a lot of -work- actually. a lot of communication and at times, self-sacrifice to make sure the primary partner(s) are reasonably happy - exactly the same as a monogamous relationship in fact. Don't think either monogamy nor polyamory is that easy, and neither is polygamy or polyandry! not that you get much polyandry around, oddly enough.

I suspect it tends to be (tends, not a solid rule) a bit less stable than monogamous relationships, but then the divorce stats arent very reassuring ... and there's plenty of marriages where one person or the other has slept with someone else but divorce hasnt happened. I dont really know